2019 will be here in less than two days. I LOVE this time of year! Although I have always said that I feel like the New Year should actually start in August, but it doesn't so here we go.
This next year I want to focus on doing the things that are going to make me a healthy, happier person. I noticed that I start a lot of things and don't finish them. Or I get to February and just give up. So this year is going to be focused. I am going to work out, I am going to eat right, I am going to journal and pray, I am going to read more. These are the things that I know will help me to be healthier and happier. I am not going to make excuses anymore of why I can't do this or that. So if I say no to a social activity, or don't seem as present on social media, it is just because I am over here living my life to the fullest!
I'm thankful that I am finally in a place of healing. The past 5 years had a lot of brokenness. Brokenness as a teacher, as a friends, and as a human being. I found myself struggling with how to even function. This past year I spent a lot of time healing and searching for who I wanted to be and the truths that I knew to be true about myself. I am so thankful to have let go of the things and people that broke me.
Here's to 2019. May I stay focused on what's important, finish the tasks set before me, and let go of those things that don't belong! May it be the BEST YET!
Sunday, December 30, 2018
A Year in Review 2018 in a nutshell
This was the year.... the year that I found my voice, found my drive, found my self-esteem. This was the year that I decided I wasn't going to take crap and stay in toxic places. This was MY Year. Not everything that happened was fantastic. In fact I started the year in a VERY toxic place in a VERY toxic state of mind. But I am ending it in a totally new and different place. I am happy with where my life is. I am not running from crush to crush wondering who might be there to walk with me for life. I have put value in my singleness. I look forward to going to work everyday. I have sacrificed time and energy to spend time with people this year. I find myself focusing more on being a better, kinder and more loving person. I have patched up some broken relationships and let go of some toxic ones. I have decided that I don't have to be liked by everyone, I just need a few good people in my life that love me and want to cheer me on. I have walked through some tough moments where I doubted my self-worth. I have forgiven those for past hurts, and I have said hello again to some old friends. I have realized that in life we have to say we are sorry. We have to give up control, and we have to let other people know how we feel.
I spent most of January and February volunteering for Room At the Inn. An experience that showed me a different side to the homeless population. An experience that opened my eyes to see just how caring and loving our CoMo community is. I'm thankful that's how my year started. I am thankful that I was able to experience those long cold nights, and meet people that I later would pass on the street. They have names, they have stories, and they need to know they are valuable.
The end of February brought True/False into my life again. So thankful for that film festival and what it means to this community. Thankful for the people I have met because of it. Thankful for how it has changed me, and how it continues to change me every year. The films are amazing, and I know that they change me.
March and April were confusing months for me. Do you ever feel betrayed by someone that you thought was a long-time friend? They lead you on, and then all of a sudden they are not in your life anymore in the way that you hoped they would be? Well that happened, and it made me so sad. The loss hurt, it was a very big disappointment, but I moved on.
My sister and brother-in-law also got their foster daughter! We were able to meet her, and I am so glad that she joined our family even if it is temporary.
In June I was able to get together with my sisters, and cousins for a fun trip to Michigan. It was a lovely weekend full of great conversation, good food, and a great last visit with my uncle. We didn't know at the time, but he would pass away in August.
July was moving month! Yay! No longer in a place where I didn't feel welcome. I left behind so much anxiety that I didn't even know I had. I also started a new job. The new job would prove to be one of those jobs that you just don't know are going to be super awful until you are in the midst of them.
August brought the death of my uncle. It was a very tough loss. I still have moments of just crying out to God of why it had to happen now. I ended up going to Michigan for a quick trip to be with my aunt and cousins. I will never regret that trip. I'm thankful that I am at a place in life where I can just go.
September brought Roots N Blues. So many great artists this year. A Blues Cat once again. I'm so thankful for a music festival in our city. We also had the celebration of life for my uncle. So many memories with him and my cousins. So many good stories. So thankful for his life, and what he taught so many people.
October brought a new job search. My old job was proving to be more toxic than I even realized. Gossip, and backstabbing right and left. Also, I realized that I was not working in a place that I believed in. So, a new job it was! Got hired, and recruitment for GS is the right place for me at this time!
November was Thanksgiving. A time spent with family and reflecting on all that I have. I'm thankful for my family. We may not be perfect, but we are there for each other, and we enjoy each other's company. For that I will always be blessed.
December was by far the greatest month of 2018. Mostly because I was able to spend so much time with friends and family. I was able to travel to Michigan again, then Pennsylvania, a quick stop in Ohio, and then on to Kentucky. So thankful for that road trip. Thankful for 2 whole weeks off of work for the first time in a very long time. I don't have a lot of money, but I sure do enjoy traveling, and being loved by people. Another highlight of December was time spend with family. Sisters, nephews, mom, dad, step-mom, brother-inlaws. So thankful for each and every one of them!
Lessons learned this year:
*Time with friends and family is worth the sacrifice
*People are greater than things
*You don't have to stay in toxic places
*Life is hard but count your blessings
*Serve till it hurts, because what you get in return is worth it!
I spent most of January and February volunteering for Room At the Inn. An experience that showed me a different side to the homeless population. An experience that opened my eyes to see just how caring and loving our CoMo community is. I'm thankful that's how my year started. I am thankful that I was able to experience those long cold nights, and meet people that I later would pass on the street. They have names, they have stories, and they need to know they are valuable.
The end of February brought True/False into my life again. So thankful for that film festival and what it means to this community. Thankful for the people I have met because of it. Thankful for how it has changed me, and how it continues to change me every year. The films are amazing, and I know that they change me.
March and April were confusing months for me. Do you ever feel betrayed by someone that you thought was a long-time friend? They lead you on, and then all of a sudden they are not in your life anymore in the way that you hoped they would be? Well that happened, and it made me so sad. The loss hurt, it was a very big disappointment, but I moved on.
My sister and brother-in-law also got their foster daughter! We were able to meet her, and I am so glad that she joined our family even if it is temporary.
In June I was able to get together with my sisters, and cousins for a fun trip to Michigan. It was a lovely weekend full of great conversation, good food, and a great last visit with my uncle. We didn't know at the time, but he would pass away in August.
July was moving month! Yay! No longer in a place where I didn't feel welcome. I left behind so much anxiety that I didn't even know I had. I also started a new job. The new job would prove to be one of those jobs that you just don't know are going to be super awful until you are in the midst of them.
August brought the death of my uncle. It was a very tough loss. I still have moments of just crying out to God of why it had to happen now. I ended up going to Michigan for a quick trip to be with my aunt and cousins. I will never regret that trip. I'm thankful that I am at a place in life where I can just go.
September brought Roots N Blues. So many great artists this year. A Blues Cat once again. I'm so thankful for a music festival in our city. We also had the celebration of life for my uncle. So many memories with him and my cousins. So many good stories. So thankful for his life, and what he taught so many people.
October brought a new job search. My old job was proving to be more toxic than I even realized. Gossip, and backstabbing right and left. Also, I realized that I was not working in a place that I believed in. So, a new job it was! Got hired, and recruitment for GS is the right place for me at this time!
November was Thanksgiving. A time spent with family and reflecting on all that I have. I'm thankful for my family. We may not be perfect, but we are there for each other, and we enjoy each other's company. For that I will always be blessed.
December was by far the greatest month of 2018. Mostly because I was able to spend so much time with friends and family. I was able to travel to Michigan again, then Pennsylvania, a quick stop in Ohio, and then on to Kentucky. So thankful for that road trip. Thankful for 2 whole weeks off of work for the first time in a very long time. I don't have a lot of money, but I sure do enjoy traveling, and being loved by people. Another highlight of December was time spend with family. Sisters, nephews, mom, dad, step-mom, brother-inlaws. So thankful for each and every one of them!
Lessons learned this year:
*Time with friends and family is worth the sacrifice
*People are greater than things
*You don't have to stay in toxic places
*Life is hard but count your blessings
*Serve till it hurts, because what you get in return is worth it!
Disappointment and Focus
Typically I deal with disappointment pretty well. I dwell on it for couple of days, and then I move on. Only thinking about it every now and then after that. When things don't happen that we really want to happen. When something that someone was going to do for us falls through. When that person that we thought had interest doesn't pursue, when we have a job interview and don't get the job. Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. The thing is that I know that there are going to be disappointments in life. One happened for me yesterday. But I want to get better at dealing with them.
People aren't going to meet my expectations. Things are going to fall through.
I feel quite disappointed that I don't have a family of my own, but then I realize just how lucky I am to have family and friends that surround me when I need them to. My life might look very different at the age of 37 than I thought it was going to, but I am super thankful for it. I'm thankful that I can do things that I want to do, and I don't have to worry about how it will impact others. I choose to spend time with people. I choose to be the one to text first to set up dinner dates, or other social engagements, but I don't want to be bitter about that.
There are a couple of people in my life that are really bitter that more people don't reach out to them to see how they are doing. I have discovered, that some people are just the reachers. They are the ones that seek out those experiences. They are the ones that try to engage people in social interaction. Some people are only ever the accepters. They happily accept social engagements, but they do not think to the be initiator of such engagements.
We have to understand that everyone has a life of their own. That we can't control everything. Sometimes we have to give in and let someone even if it is a child have some of the control. They need to be able to be free to have some control. I get disappointed when people don't act the way I want them to. I want to force people to make the right decisions and choices, but in the end I truly am only responsible for the things I do and say.
So, I focus on what I can control. I focus on my reaction when things happen that disappointment, and I realize that the thing that didn't go my way is actually a blessing in disguise.
For instance my singleness. I think about the men that I have considered to be worthy of my love and affection. I realize that I am SO glad that nothing ever worked out with any of them. Because in all reality none of them would have fit into my life. None of them were or even are currently in a place where they are putting Jesus as number one. If I am hones with myself that is truly what I want. I don't want someone who is ritualistic religious, I want someone who is spiritual. Someone who is going to see the positive in everyday life, who is going to help me to see it as well. Someone that is strong when I need him to be. Not someone who I have to help see their worth every two seconds. Honestly that's just plain exhausting.
So I look at those disappointments and I see that I am far better off exactly where I am then with someone that would have only been bringing me down, and turning me into a negative creature of darkness.
Focus on the good. Focus on what you can change. Focus on what you have instead of what you don't, and those disappointments will quickly become the silver linings on that dark cloud.
So today I am thankful for the disappointments, for the things that didn't work on. I have hopes that 2019 will be a year full of things that do work out, but we never really know do we? For now I am thankful for all that has been, and excited for all that will be.
People aren't going to meet my expectations. Things are going to fall through.
I feel quite disappointed that I don't have a family of my own, but then I realize just how lucky I am to have family and friends that surround me when I need them to. My life might look very different at the age of 37 than I thought it was going to, but I am super thankful for it. I'm thankful that I can do things that I want to do, and I don't have to worry about how it will impact others. I choose to spend time with people. I choose to be the one to text first to set up dinner dates, or other social engagements, but I don't want to be bitter about that.
There are a couple of people in my life that are really bitter that more people don't reach out to them to see how they are doing. I have discovered, that some people are just the reachers. They are the ones that seek out those experiences. They are the ones that try to engage people in social interaction. Some people are only ever the accepters. They happily accept social engagements, but they do not think to the be initiator of such engagements.
We have to understand that everyone has a life of their own. That we can't control everything. Sometimes we have to give in and let someone even if it is a child have some of the control. They need to be able to be free to have some control. I get disappointed when people don't act the way I want them to. I want to force people to make the right decisions and choices, but in the end I truly am only responsible for the things I do and say.
So, I focus on what I can control. I focus on my reaction when things happen that disappointment, and I realize that the thing that didn't go my way is actually a blessing in disguise.
For instance my singleness. I think about the men that I have considered to be worthy of my love and affection. I realize that I am SO glad that nothing ever worked out with any of them. Because in all reality none of them would have fit into my life. None of them were or even are currently in a place where they are putting Jesus as number one. If I am hones with myself that is truly what I want. I don't want someone who is ritualistic religious, I want someone who is spiritual. Someone who is going to see the positive in everyday life, who is going to help me to see it as well. Someone that is strong when I need him to be. Not someone who I have to help see their worth every two seconds. Honestly that's just plain exhausting.
So I look at those disappointments and I see that I am far better off exactly where I am then with someone that would have only been bringing me down, and turning me into a negative creature of darkness.
Focus on the good. Focus on what you can change. Focus on what you have instead of what you don't, and those disappointments will quickly become the silver linings on that dark cloud.
So today I am thankful for the disappointments, for the things that didn't work on. I have hopes that 2019 will be a year full of things that do work out, but we never really know do we? For now I am thankful for all that has been, and excited for all that will be.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Updated 40 before 40...
I had to do a new list. It's a process. Here it is....
1. Renaissance Festival (completed Fall 2017)
2. New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3. Pay Down Student Loans
4. Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5. See a show at the Fox
6. Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7. Hike some of the PCT and AT
8. Get in the best shape of my life.
9. Go to 5 famous art museums
a. Metropolitan Museum of Art
b. Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
c. National Gallery of Art (Wash DC)
d. Cleveland Museum of Art
e. Art Institute of Chicago
10. Visit Napa Valley
11. Go on a cruise
12. Learn how to cook risotto
13. Go to a racetrack
14. Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15. Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16. Learn to Quilt
17. Read 100 Books
18. Have a Spa Day
19. Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20. See the Northern Lights
21. Go to all 50 states
22. Complete 5, 5K's
23. Complete 5, 10K's
24. Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26. Watch every film on AFI top 100
27. Write and publish a book
28. Take 4 solitude retreats
29. Have a signature dish
30. Go for High Tea
31. Sleep in a Haunted House
32. Practice Yoga and Meditation
33. Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34. Blog More Often
35. Send 10 handmade cards a year
36. Simplify my life
37. Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38. Take an Art Class
39. Be all in for my business
40. Start a mini-garden
It looks like I have a lot still to do! :) But how fun it is going to be to plan these!
1. Renaissance Festival (completed Fall 2017)
2. New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3. Pay Down Student Loans
4. Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5. See a show at the Fox
6. Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7. Hike some of the PCT and AT
8. Get in the best shape of my life.
9. Go to 5 famous art museums
a. Metropolitan Museum of Art
b. Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
c. National Gallery of Art (Wash DC)
d. Cleveland Museum of Art
e. Art Institute of Chicago
10. Visit Napa Valley
11. Go on a cruise
12. Learn how to cook risotto
13. Go to a racetrack
14. Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15. Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16. Learn to Quilt
17. Read 100 Books
18. Have a Spa Day
19. Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20. See the Northern Lights
21. Go to all 50 states
22. Complete 5, 5K's
23. Complete 5, 10K's
24. Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26. Watch every film on AFI top 100
27. Write and publish a book
28. Take 4 solitude retreats
29. Have a signature dish
30. Go for High Tea
31. Sleep in a Haunted House
32. Practice Yoga and Meditation
33. Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34. Blog More Often
35. Send 10 handmade cards a year
36. Simplify my life
37. Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38. Take an Art Class
39. Be all in for my business
40. Start a mini-garden
It looks like I have a lot still to do! :) But how fun it is going to be to plan these!
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Advent - Day 19
I'm skipping a few days, but I decided to get myself back on track this way, and then I will do some more blogging of the days I have missed once I get time.
Thinking about joy. Oftentimes I find myself in a joyless state. I usually am thinking about everything that is going wrong instead of how much I have. I think that my life is awful, but then I remember just how much I have. Practicing gratitude sure does help me to know how much I have. Sometimes I forget until I sit down and start listing all the good things that are in my life. My friends, my family, the roof over my head. These are all things that I take for granted. So, today I am thankful for the things I have. I want to live in a joyful state. Joyfulness comes with gratitude.
Thinking about joy. Oftentimes I find myself in a joyless state. I usually am thinking about everything that is going wrong instead of how much I have. I think that my life is awful, but then I remember just how much I have. Practicing gratitude sure does help me to know how much I have. Sometimes I forget until I sit down and start listing all the good things that are in my life. My friends, my family, the roof over my head. These are all things that I take for granted. So, today I am thankful for the things I have. I want to live in a joyful state. Joyfulness comes with gratitude.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Advent- Day 11
Dreams. We all have them. Some of them I believe are ordained by God, and some of them are our ways that we just use the control that we feel like we should have to bring sin into our lives. I have seen some dreams so vividly that I honestly thought they were from God, only later to discover they definitely were not. I think today there are a few dreams that I have seen clearly. But I feel like God is telling me to wait. How do I wait and still have dreams? It is not putting them on the back burner necessarily, but just pausing them. Realizing that the best dreams are fulfilled with God's timing.
Advent- Day 10
Delight in the Lord. What does that look like? I think for me that means to find the joy in what He has given me. So often I find myself complaining too much. During this season of Advent why am I not focusing on the joy of the season? I want to intensely pursue worshiping Him.
Advent- Day 9
Today's theme is peace. Stepping away from all of the noise, and things that want to crowd out the peace that is Jesus. We get so busy that we live in chaos instead of peace.
I even mentioned this week to my cousin, how did it become this. How did Christmas become this time when you feel the need to buy a gift for everyone. Yes it is nice to feel loved by getting a gift, but I think we also should be at a place where if we don't have the money, we don't get the gift. Right? No one should be going into debt because they feel like they have to buy gifts for everyone.
So, I am going to take time today to step back away from the noise. To stop all the chaos, and breathe in the peace.
I even mentioned this week to my cousin, how did it become this. How did Christmas become this time when you feel the need to buy a gift for everyone. Yes it is nice to feel loved by getting a gift, but I think we also should be at a place where if we don't have the money, we don't get the gift. Right? No one should be going into debt because they feel like they have to buy gifts for everyone.
So, I am going to take time today to step back away from the noise. To stop all the chaos, and breathe in the peace.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Advent- Day 8
I'm finally caught up on my Days of Advent. I want to get to a place where I have time for everything that I need. Right now I feel like my time is so rushed, and there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. Mostly I want to have more time to just be. To just be with people. To love them, to help them, and to understand them. When I think about Jesus, He isn't a Jesus that walked around throwing tables over all the time, or kicking out refugees. He is a Jesus that was there for people. God with us- Immanuel. He was a Jesus that would wait and listen until you had everything off your chest that you needed to say. I want to get to a place where I can be that kind of person. The kind that listens even though I have a billion other things to do, and have already heard the story you are telling me 20 times. The kind of person that doesn't judge other's life choices. The kind of person that is able to understand where people are coming from, and tries my best to see Jesus in every person that I meet. On this day of advent, my focus is to be with others. Intentionally with them, loving them right where they are. Just like He did for me.
Advent- Day 7
Sin. There is so much of it in this world. By nature we choose to do things everyday that are not good. We are selfish beings. Some people believe in a God that sent His son to die to save people from the awful things that they do. I choose to believe. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I don't doubt, or ask why. I often find myself wondering why I put so much of my time and energy into a world that is being destroyed on a daily basis by our sin, by my own sin. I let it run my life. I don't look up most of the time. Instead I wallow in the awfulness that happens to me, and those that I love. I take refuge in the world, instead of the One I believe to have come to redeem His people. As I go through my day, may my focus and refuge be up, instead of out.
Advent- Day 6
Focusing on Him being my hope. Not a lot to write today. Just trying to focus more on who He is, and what I believe to be true.
Advent- Day 5
Today's devotion stated this, "The people we despise in society can hold a significant place in God's overall plan." I find myself today thinking of those that are despised especially by the so called "Christians" out there. It makes me sad to think that we have written people off. There are people that we see as unreachable, or not good enough or whatever it may be. On this day of Advent I remind myself that I am just one of the regular people that does things wrong all the time that Jesus chooses to use. There is nothing special about me in comparison to anyone else. Yet, my life does matter. We have to stop ranking people. It isn't good for us. It isn't good for our world. It especially isn't what we are called to. So, today I think about my judgment on others, and how I put myself more highly than I ought most of the time. I remember that my life is just as valuable as the refugee's trying to get to another country by any means they can.
Advent- Day 4
Anticipation of the Messiah's birth. Do I anticipate Him? Sometimes I feel like I am so wrapped up in checking off my list of things to do, or going from this place to that. I forget to anticipate a the time when there will be no more fear. I forget to anticipate the justice, peace, and righteousness that will be Jesus' reign. Hoping in that even though I don't see it yet with patience. Knowing that He is faithful. I think that is the hardest part sometimes. Releasing control, and allowing Him to just have it. Resting in the fact that He knows all, and He is on top of things. So today, on Day 4 of advent, I try to anticipate the day when He will reign.
Monday, December 3, 2018
Advent- Day 3
One of my devotionals in the You Version is all about Hope this week. I really think that I need this reminder because I feel like there are a lot of things I have lost hope in. For instance getting married and being a mom. I really do think that my hope is gone in that every happening for me. It will be a mourning process, and then I will move on. But I just don't know that I believe at this point that it can really happen.
Does that mean that I have lost hope in God? No, it doesn't. But it just means that I think that His plans might not be my plans. It is sad for me, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I just think that's the way it is.
I do still have Hope though. I have hope that one day Jesus will come back and reconcile this world. Broken relationships, are the number one thing that I can't wait for him to redeem. I hate when things get so messed up. Misunderstandings happen, and most of the time when communication happens and two or more people are willing to see things from the other person's point of view... they can be fixed. But there are the sometimes when the relationships are just broken and there is nothing that can be done to repair them. So, my hope is in the coming of Jesus. In the restoration of those relationships. In the coming of the Prince of Peace.
While I am waiting I am going to do everything that I can to understand others, and communicate love. I know that I am going to fail, a lot. But I am going to try my best. Putting my Hope in the one that knows brokenness is the best way to start. At least that's what I think!
Does that mean that I have lost hope in God? No, it doesn't. But it just means that I think that His plans might not be my plans. It is sad for me, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I just think that's the way it is.
I do still have Hope though. I have hope that one day Jesus will come back and reconcile this world. Broken relationships, are the number one thing that I can't wait for him to redeem. I hate when things get so messed up. Misunderstandings happen, and most of the time when communication happens and two or more people are willing to see things from the other person's point of view... they can be fixed. But there are the sometimes when the relationships are just broken and there is nothing that can be done to repair them. So, my hope is in the coming of Jesus. In the restoration of those relationships. In the coming of the Prince of Peace.
While I am waiting I am going to do everything that I can to understand others, and communicate love. I know that I am going to fail, a lot. But I am going to try my best. Putting my Hope in the one that knows brokenness is the best way to start. At least that's what I think!
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Advent- Day 2
Darkness and light. We know that it exists. You can't turn on the news, or walk around outside without coming across something or someone that seems void of light. Our world is a dark place, sometimes it seems too much. Especially when I think about those that claim to be walking in the light, yet show no love or grace to those that are unlike them, or not following what they deem as correct. It is hard for me to see the light in them, and to understand it.
When I am in a dark place, what do I tend to do? I tend to look inward, or I look toward the world to solve my problems. Sometimes I hang out with people that I think will help to bring me out of the light. Sometimes they do put me in a better mood, but the truth is that no person can be our light. We can't get stuck in thinking that our circumstances, are going to be the light for us. Right now I have a good job, a good place to live, pretty good health not counting the past couple of days. But if I put my hope and joy in that, then when those things change I am going to be in despair.
On this second day of Advent, I realize that my hope is sometimes in people and circumstances. My hope and joy sometimes comes from where I am at in the world.
But it can't come from there. I can't depend on people to bring me hope. Because every person is struggling with darkness. Yes, the light has overcome the darkness, right? But everyone struggles with living outside of that darkness. We do or say things that we shouldn't. We don't live up to other's expectations. Those are all part of being human. So for me to put my hope, my joy in people, well I will find myself disappointed and depressed every single time. People can't satisfy my longing for hope. Jesus, He is the only one that can satisfy that hope. The hope of a Kingdom of service and sacrificial love. Right now on earth I only see a small fraction of what that Kingdom is going to look like. I only get a glimpse of it every now and then in those that I surround myself with.
So on this second day I look toward Him. I surrender to Him. Every single day, I surrender. I know that my thoughts get jumbled. I know that my focus will get side-tracked sometimes. So I continue to look up. I continue to see the times, when I am expecting others to be my hope. When I am allowing the darkness to control how I see my circumstances whether good or bad. I let go of what I think life should be like, and cling to the only One that knows and will make it what it should be.
When I am in a dark place, what do I tend to do? I tend to look inward, or I look toward the world to solve my problems. Sometimes I hang out with people that I think will help to bring me out of the light. Sometimes they do put me in a better mood, but the truth is that no person can be our light. We can't get stuck in thinking that our circumstances, are going to be the light for us. Right now I have a good job, a good place to live, pretty good health not counting the past couple of days. But if I put my hope and joy in that, then when those things change I am going to be in despair.
On this second day of Advent, I realize that my hope is sometimes in people and circumstances. My hope and joy sometimes comes from where I am at in the world.
But it can't come from there. I can't depend on people to bring me hope. Because every person is struggling with darkness. Yes, the light has overcome the darkness, right? But everyone struggles with living outside of that darkness. We do or say things that we shouldn't. We don't live up to other's expectations. Those are all part of being human. So for me to put my hope, my joy in people, well I will find myself disappointed and depressed every single time. People can't satisfy my longing for hope. Jesus, He is the only one that can satisfy that hope. The hope of a Kingdom of service and sacrificial love. Right now on earth I only see a small fraction of what that Kingdom is going to look like. I only get a glimpse of it every now and then in those that I surround myself with.
So on this second day I look toward Him. I surrender to Him. Every single day, I surrender. I know that my thoughts get jumbled. I know that my focus will get side-tracked sometimes. So I continue to look up. I continue to see the times, when I am expecting others to be my hope. When I am allowing the darkness to control how I see my circumstances whether good or bad. I let go of what I think life should be like, and cling to the only One that knows and will make it what it should be.
Advent Day 1
Yesterday was the first Day of the Advent Season. I was sick in bed, and did not make it to the computer to write my first blog. So here I am....
Advent is a time to think about Jesus' His coming to earth, and His return.
Not all of my friends believe in this, and I am okay with that. In fact I would rather have a variety of friends that believe many different things, than to have all of the people believe the same thing. That would make for a very boring life!
But for me Advent is a season of hope, love, joy and promise. I am looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. I am looking forward to contemplating His story and what it means in my life.
Every day of Advent I am going to write a real letter to someone, and actually send it!
I think that this month is going to be about connection. Connection to Jesus, and connection to others.
So, here's to the first day of Advent, may my focus be on restoration and the hope of what is to come!
Advent is a time to think about Jesus' His coming to earth, and His return.
Not all of my friends believe in this, and I am okay with that. In fact I would rather have a variety of friends that believe many different things, than to have all of the people believe the same thing. That would make for a very boring life!
But for me Advent is a season of hope, love, joy and promise. I am looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. I am looking forward to contemplating His story and what it means in my life.
Every day of Advent I am going to write a real letter to someone, and actually send it!
I think that this month is going to be about connection. Connection to Jesus, and connection to others.
So, here's to the first day of Advent, may my focus be on restoration and the hope of what is to come!
My thoughts for the past monthish
Wow! The last blog post is from October! I guess I have been busy or something! Ha! I am going to try not to ramble in this one, but I have some definite thoughts that have been going through my mind throughout this past month.
I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me. For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick. There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think. So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year.
Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well. Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day. You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping. I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong. Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener. I don't mind listening, in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking. But sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen. Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is.
I am not a dweller. I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on. Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry. So, I choose to keep going forward.
I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt. But those things don't define me. They could easily define me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child. I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them. Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things. I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying.
The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world. It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place. I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have. Last year I was feeling quite lonely. So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town. It was late nights, and sometimes I didn't feel like going. You know what? It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose. I wasn't so lonely.
This year I am in a much better place. I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends. I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them. But they don't always reach out to me! In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it. But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part. So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did.
I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people. But I also want to be focused on what is important. Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others. I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right? He brings me back to himself over and over again.
So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that. My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me.
I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season....
Days 1 and 2 coming soon!
I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me. For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick. There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think. So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year.
Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well. Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day. You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping. I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong. Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener. I don't mind listening, in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking. But sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen. Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is.
I am not a dweller. I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on. Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry. So, I choose to keep going forward.
I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt. But those things don't define me. They could easily define me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child. I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them. Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things. I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying.
The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world. It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place. I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have. Last year I was feeling quite lonely. So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town. It was late nights, and sometimes I didn't feel like going. You know what? It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose. I wasn't so lonely.
This year I am in a much better place. I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends. I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them. But they don't always reach out to me! In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it. But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part. So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did.
I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people. But I also want to be focused on what is important. Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others. I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right? He brings me back to himself over and over again.
So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that. My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me.
I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season....
Days 1 and 2 coming soon!
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Why the Church isn't for Singles over 30
I have been a part of church for my whole life. I can't remember a time when I didn't go to church. I always felt a part of church. When I was in junior high and high school that was where I felt the most accepted. I didn't start feeling like I didn't belong until the age of 30. You see at 30 I was still single. I didn't quite feel single in the way that you do when you are surrounded by all married people. But it was at age 30 that I started noticing my singleness more.
Young Adult groups at church were not quite the right fit, but it felt like after 30 there wasn't room for singles. Either everyone was trying to set you up, or you were supposed to just take care of everyone else's kids. I don't think it really actually started to be real to me until 33 or 34, because that is when a lot of my really close friends went from being single to being married, and started having kids. It is easy to not feel left out when you are surrounded by people that are the same as you. When you have single friends to do things with it makes community feel more accessible and closer.
My 35th year is when I really started feeling the weight of singleness, especially in the church. I felt like people looked at me and thought, why doesn't she find someone? It's simple, just go on a dating site and find someone. The thing that people don't realize is that dating has changed dramatically because of social media. Especially dating over 30. Especially Christian dating over 30. More importantly what the Church doesn't realize is that everything in church is about families. Singleness makes people uncomfortable. Especially people that have never known singleness. I'm sorry but if you got married at the age of 25 or younger, you are not going to be be able to relate to someone that is in their 30's and still single. So, please stop yourself from saying that you understand, because you don't. No, it isn't the same if your husband goes away to serve in the military and leaves you behind for months at a time. Because you still have a HUSBAND or WIFE whatever the case may be.
I am not here to have a pity party for all the singles in the church that are being ignored. I am here to advocate for the fact that there ARE singles in the church being ignored. You probably don't think you are ignoring them. You probably think you are including them. I mean why wouldn't they want to be around married couples? They need to know what marriage is going to be like for the one day when they do find someone and get married, right? When their life can actually start, right? I'm going to tell you this very clearly..... NOT EVERYONE GETS MARRIED!
I'm not trying to be harsh at all. I am just trying to help you understand that not everyone gets married, not everyone gets to be a mom or dad. This is a fact of life. Something that I struggle with almost on a daily basis to understand. The best that I have had it explained to me was during a BSF discussion towards the end of last year when I was really struggling. Someone explained it to me like this > "we were all meant to have someone, that is how we were created, but because of sin, the world is broken, thus there are going to be people that aren't able to find that person." I don't like this answer at all. In fact I hate it, but I understand it. It also helps me understand my singleness in a different way. I don't feel like I am single because there is something wrong with me, that is worse than anyone else. I don't feel like I am single because I am not pretty enough to get married. My singleness is a result of this broken world. Broken love. It is a result of us seeing sex as the end all be all, and not understanding that true relationship is a two-way street.
Does the church see it this way? Or does the church see it as a problem that needs to be fixed? We just need to plug all the single people in to small groups with married people so they know what marriage is like, and can then one day get married. Right? Then we have fixed the problem. We put a happily married couple that has been married since they were both in their early 20's in charge of the singles group, and expect that to fix the problem. The problem being singles over the age of 30 in the church. I think that the first step is to understand that singles aren't a problem to be fixed.
It isn't talked about. We all know it, because when we think about our kids we don't want them to be single. I know it, and you know it. When you plan the future for your kids, you want them to grow up, get married and have babies. I've had people say that. Actually I have even been at a conference where that was spouted out by a very well known Christian leader that I love. Her exact words were, "when my kids grow up and give me grandbabies." That is the future that our culture has created as the norm. So, when it doesn't happen for people we lump them in a category, and we kind of just forget about them. We try to include them by creating singles "groups." But when those don't work out, we just chop it up to their being something wrong with "them." We say there just weren't enough people "invested." If a marriage conference doesn't have as many couples register as we think there should be, do you stop having marriage conferences? Or do you figure out how to attract more couples? If kids aren't coming to your children's ministry, do you get rid of the ministry? Or do you figure out ways that you can connect with kids to get them involved?
The answer is that you figure out how to attract more couples or kids. But you see that is the "norm." That is what we are used to. When you step into churches that is what the majority of the people are, happily (or not so happily) married with kids. It is right for the church to minister to that group of people. I might even add that they are the easiest to minister to. Why? Because most pastors are or have been married themselves. Most pastors are parents. They know what it is like to raise a family. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to still be single at 35. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to feel like an outsider when they step inside a church building. Most pastors have never known judgement of being a single parent. I don't look down on them for that. But I am going to say this.... in order to minister to people it is best if you have gone through what they are going through. Or at least care enough to take the time to actually listen to them.
I wish that I wasn't still single at 37. I wish that I could be a mom, but that is not where I am at. So, I am doing the best that I can. I am living life, I am trying to help others, and I am reaching out to change what I can of this crazy, mixed-up world.
If you are an important member of your church, or even if you are just a member of a church (that means you are important!) Step back, and take an honest assessment of how many single people over the age of 30 you have in your church. You don't think you have any? Then that probably means that they aren't coming to church, because I guarantee they are out there. I guarantee there are a lot more single people over the age of 30 than what you or I think. But the thing is we have gotten used to hiding. We hide from the married couples because we are tired of being babysitters, or stepping into a conversation only for it to be about how your husband is leaving you alone for a week, and you just can't deal with the "single life." We are tired of hearing how you just can't seem to find time for yourself and "you are so lucky you are single, because you must have so much free time."
Guess what? I fill my schedule up, so that the loneliness of not having someone to share life with doesn't overwhelm me. I also need the money! Really though, can we stop making single people feel like they aren't good enough, or like they are being punished by God? Can we stop lumping singles over the age of 30 in the same category as college students, and young professionals. Can we start ministering to people where they are, in all walks of life? Can we start teaching our kids that if they don't get married and become parents they are still worthy? Can we change that conversation?
Churches are pushing single people away. Worth and value isn't determined by marriage or parenting. Those roles aren't in everyone's stories. Let's move towards communities that value people no matter what role they fill. Let's move towards communities that minister to everyone where they are, and lead them into relationships with Jesus that transform them. Let's move towards having pastors that have a heart for singles over 30, and have experienced it themselves. Leaders that have been there, and know what it is like. We don't have single, never-married people leading divorce-care do we? Then why would you have married, never single leading a singles ministry. I have seen it over and over again. Or there is no ministry at all, or there was one, but it fizzled out because no one was willing to step up, or maybe we didn't let people step up when they wanted to.
If I was a wife and a mom this issue wouldn't mean as much to me as it does right now. I know that, and I understand that some of you are going to read this and not understand what the big deal is because you maybe were never single. Or you have forgotten what it was like when you were single longing for marriage/kids. Because I'm in it, I'm living it, it means a whole heck of a lot to me. I want to be heard, seen, and needed. I want to mean just as much to my church as someone that is married with 3 kids. I want people to value me as a person, value my opinion, and value my service. I don't just want to be an extra.
I want that for my single friends too. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that has ever been told that they should just find a husband/wife. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that steps into church Sunday after Sunday and goes straight to the Kids' area because that is the only place they ever feel like they belong. I want that for every person that goes to church and sits by themselves Sunday after Sunday without anyone ever saying a word to them. I want that, for the church, because there is a place for everyone. No matter what your marital status, or parenting status. There is a place, because we are all a part of the community. Let's change this culture. Let's start seeing singles as more than a babysitting service for our kids, let's start making them part of our conversations. Let's stop asking people after not seeing them for awhile if they are dating someone, like that is the end all be all. Let's start figuring out how we can connect, how we can value singleness, just as much as we value marriage and parenting. I'm afraid if we don't there's going to be a whole generation of people lost.
Young Adult groups at church were not quite the right fit, but it felt like after 30 there wasn't room for singles. Either everyone was trying to set you up, or you were supposed to just take care of everyone else's kids. I don't think it really actually started to be real to me until 33 or 34, because that is when a lot of my really close friends went from being single to being married, and started having kids. It is easy to not feel left out when you are surrounded by people that are the same as you. When you have single friends to do things with it makes community feel more accessible and closer.
My 35th year is when I really started feeling the weight of singleness, especially in the church. I felt like people looked at me and thought, why doesn't she find someone? It's simple, just go on a dating site and find someone. The thing that people don't realize is that dating has changed dramatically because of social media. Especially dating over 30. Especially Christian dating over 30. More importantly what the Church doesn't realize is that everything in church is about families. Singleness makes people uncomfortable. Especially people that have never known singleness. I'm sorry but if you got married at the age of 25 or younger, you are not going to be be able to relate to someone that is in their 30's and still single. So, please stop yourself from saying that you understand, because you don't. No, it isn't the same if your husband goes away to serve in the military and leaves you behind for months at a time. Because you still have a HUSBAND or WIFE whatever the case may be.
I am not here to have a pity party for all the singles in the church that are being ignored. I am here to advocate for the fact that there ARE singles in the church being ignored. You probably don't think you are ignoring them. You probably think you are including them. I mean why wouldn't they want to be around married couples? They need to know what marriage is going to be like for the one day when they do find someone and get married, right? When their life can actually start, right? I'm going to tell you this very clearly..... NOT EVERYONE GETS MARRIED!
I'm not trying to be harsh at all. I am just trying to help you understand that not everyone gets married, not everyone gets to be a mom or dad. This is a fact of life. Something that I struggle with almost on a daily basis to understand. The best that I have had it explained to me was during a BSF discussion towards the end of last year when I was really struggling. Someone explained it to me like this > "we were all meant to have someone, that is how we were created, but because of sin, the world is broken, thus there are going to be people that aren't able to find that person." I don't like this answer at all. In fact I hate it, but I understand it. It also helps me understand my singleness in a different way. I don't feel like I am single because there is something wrong with me, that is worse than anyone else. I don't feel like I am single because I am not pretty enough to get married. My singleness is a result of this broken world. Broken love. It is a result of us seeing sex as the end all be all, and not understanding that true relationship is a two-way street.
Does the church see it this way? Or does the church see it as a problem that needs to be fixed? We just need to plug all the single people in to small groups with married people so they know what marriage is like, and can then one day get married. Right? Then we have fixed the problem. We put a happily married couple that has been married since they were both in their early 20's in charge of the singles group, and expect that to fix the problem. The problem being singles over the age of 30 in the church. I think that the first step is to understand that singles aren't a problem to be fixed.
It isn't talked about. We all know it, because when we think about our kids we don't want them to be single. I know it, and you know it. When you plan the future for your kids, you want them to grow up, get married and have babies. I've had people say that. Actually I have even been at a conference where that was spouted out by a very well known Christian leader that I love. Her exact words were, "when my kids grow up and give me grandbabies." That is the future that our culture has created as the norm. So, when it doesn't happen for people we lump them in a category, and we kind of just forget about them. We try to include them by creating singles "groups." But when those don't work out, we just chop it up to their being something wrong with "them." We say there just weren't enough people "invested." If a marriage conference doesn't have as many couples register as we think there should be, do you stop having marriage conferences? Or do you figure out how to attract more couples? If kids aren't coming to your children's ministry, do you get rid of the ministry? Or do you figure out ways that you can connect with kids to get them involved?
The answer is that you figure out how to attract more couples or kids. But you see that is the "norm." That is what we are used to. When you step into churches that is what the majority of the people are, happily (or not so happily) married with kids. It is right for the church to minister to that group of people. I might even add that they are the easiest to minister to. Why? Because most pastors are or have been married themselves. Most pastors are parents. They know what it is like to raise a family. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to still be single at 35. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to feel like an outsider when they step inside a church building. Most pastors have never known judgement of being a single parent. I don't look down on them for that. But I am going to say this.... in order to minister to people it is best if you have gone through what they are going through. Or at least care enough to take the time to actually listen to them.
I wish that I wasn't still single at 37. I wish that I could be a mom, but that is not where I am at. So, I am doing the best that I can. I am living life, I am trying to help others, and I am reaching out to change what I can of this crazy, mixed-up world.
If you are an important member of your church, or even if you are just a member of a church (that means you are important!) Step back, and take an honest assessment of how many single people over the age of 30 you have in your church. You don't think you have any? Then that probably means that they aren't coming to church, because I guarantee they are out there. I guarantee there are a lot more single people over the age of 30 than what you or I think. But the thing is we have gotten used to hiding. We hide from the married couples because we are tired of being babysitters, or stepping into a conversation only for it to be about how your husband is leaving you alone for a week, and you just can't deal with the "single life." We are tired of hearing how you just can't seem to find time for yourself and "you are so lucky you are single, because you must have so much free time."
Guess what? I fill my schedule up, so that the loneliness of not having someone to share life with doesn't overwhelm me. I also need the money! Really though, can we stop making single people feel like they aren't good enough, or like they are being punished by God? Can we stop lumping singles over the age of 30 in the same category as college students, and young professionals. Can we start ministering to people where they are, in all walks of life? Can we start teaching our kids that if they don't get married and become parents they are still worthy? Can we change that conversation?
Churches are pushing single people away. Worth and value isn't determined by marriage or parenting. Those roles aren't in everyone's stories. Let's move towards communities that value people no matter what role they fill. Let's move towards communities that minister to everyone where they are, and lead them into relationships with Jesus that transform them. Let's move towards having pastors that have a heart for singles over 30, and have experienced it themselves. Leaders that have been there, and know what it is like. We don't have single, never-married people leading divorce-care do we? Then why would you have married, never single leading a singles ministry. I have seen it over and over again. Or there is no ministry at all, or there was one, but it fizzled out because no one was willing to step up, or maybe we didn't let people step up when they wanted to.
If I was a wife and a mom this issue wouldn't mean as much to me as it does right now. I know that, and I understand that some of you are going to read this and not understand what the big deal is because you maybe were never single. Or you have forgotten what it was like when you were single longing for marriage/kids. Because I'm in it, I'm living it, it means a whole heck of a lot to me. I want to be heard, seen, and needed. I want to mean just as much to my church as someone that is married with 3 kids. I want people to value me as a person, value my opinion, and value my service. I don't just want to be an extra.
I want that for my single friends too. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that has ever been told that they should just find a husband/wife. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that steps into church Sunday after Sunday and goes straight to the Kids' area because that is the only place they ever feel like they belong. I want that for every person that goes to church and sits by themselves Sunday after Sunday without anyone ever saying a word to them. I want that, for the church, because there is a place for everyone. No matter what your marital status, or parenting status. There is a place, because we are all a part of the community. Let's change this culture. Let's start seeing singles as more than a babysitting service for our kids, let's start making them part of our conversations. Let's stop asking people after not seeing them for awhile if they are dating someone, like that is the end all be all. Let's start figuring out how we can connect, how we can value singleness, just as much as we value marriage and parenting. I'm afraid if we don't there's going to be a whole generation of people lost.
Validation and Healing...
I would say that I have been on a solid journey of healing for about 3 years now. The past 3 years have been filled with a lot of loss. A lot of people that were once really important in my life, have walked away, or I have chosen to walk away from. I don't like loss. It is hard, it hurts, and it makes me feel like I am not enough. But loss has to happen. there are times when we have to say good-bye to people, jobs, even acquaintances that aren't impacting us in a positive way. There has been a lot of that for me.
Two years ago about this time actually I would begin one of the hardest journeys that I have ever taken. It was my last year of teaching. It was a journey that almost broke me. I had things said to me that no teacher or human being should ever have said. I let it change me. I let it impact my view of self, and I let it steer me away from teaching. It is interesting to me how God works and moves even in the midst of hurt and pain. There was a point where I didn't think that my life was worth living. There was a point in that journey where I felt like leaving the church, leaving my faith, and leaving this world. Thankfully I didn't. Thankfully I had good teammates, good friends, and good family that helped me.
It has taken me the past year and a half to see that some of what happened was not because of me. Some of what happened was because of other flawed humans. I am not a perfect teacher, but I am a good one. I love my students, I have high expectations for them, and I am worthy of being respected as that teacher. Last night I was thankful to come full circle in my realization that maybe what happened wasn't necessarily about me. Maybe it was actually not even supposed to happen like that, but because we are so self-focused, we don't always react the way we should. I am not a parent, and I don't know what it is like to see my kid as perfect, but I know plenty of parents that think their kids never do anything wrong. It is a sad world where we can't own up to what people tell us about our kids year after year. But you know what? That has nothing to do with me as a teacher. It has taken me 2 years to realize this, but I finally realize it. Even though it felt like a personal attack on me, the words that were said, and the actions that were taken against me, well they were more about that person than about me. So I sit here thinking about this. I also think about the parents that are the opposite. The ones that see only the things that are wrong with their kids. The ones that don't ever give a compliment, they just nag, nag, nag. For instance my friend told me about her friend that is a parent. Through the entire game that her child was playing, all the friend did was constantly scream at her child everything that she was doing wrong. If we are constantly pointing out the flaws and trying to control the kids in our lives, stopping them from making every wrong decision, is this really teaching them? Or just controlling them? Now, like I said I am not trying to be an expert at parenting. But I am an expert at someone that is hard enough on herself without needing to hear it every two seconds from everyone else. I honestly am a critique of myself without anyone else needing to be. I kind of think we all are. Especially in the social media age we live in. Where we only see the perfect pics. Kids have enough pressure, without us trying to control every decision they make, and aspect of their lives.
Okay, so where am I going with this? The past month has brought a lot of healing in my life. People that I lost touch with, people that I on purpose lost touch with coming back into my life. Things that were said or done to me, that others have apologized for. Through all of it, I realize that these last 3 years have been a journey of healing. I still allow others to sometimes speak into my worth, but not near as much as I did three years ago. I still struggle with singleness, but it is no longer the focus of what defines me. I still struggle with loss, but I understand that sometimes people have to leave in order for healing and growth to happen.
We don't always get to feel validated. Sometimes it never happens. Sometimes it takes a couple of years before we truly understand that the truths that other people see aren't necessarily the ones that God sees. Sometimes in the quiet of going about our days, we realize that we are being transformed. We realize that behind the hurt and pain there has been this beautiful bloom that has taken shape. We realize that God has this amazing way of letting the bad change us for good.
Two years ago about this time actually I would begin one of the hardest journeys that I have ever taken. It was my last year of teaching. It was a journey that almost broke me. I had things said to me that no teacher or human being should ever have said. I let it change me. I let it impact my view of self, and I let it steer me away from teaching. It is interesting to me how God works and moves even in the midst of hurt and pain. There was a point where I didn't think that my life was worth living. There was a point in that journey where I felt like leaving the church, leaving my faith, and leaving this world. Thankfully I didn't. Thankfully I had good teammates, good friends, and good family that helped me.
It has taken me the past year and a half to see that some of what happened was not because of me. Some of what happened was because of other flawed humans. I am not a perfect teacher, but I am a good one. I love my students, I have high expectations for them, and I am worthy of being respected as that teacher. Last night I was thankful to come full circle in my realization that maybe what happened wasn't necessarily about me. Maybe it was actually not even supposed to happen like that, but because we are so self-focused, we don't always react the way we should. I am not a parent, and I don't know what it is like to see my kid as perfect, but I know plenty of parents that think their kids never do anything wrong. It is a sad world where we can't own up to what people tell us about our kids year after year. But you know what? That has nothing to do with me as a teacher. It has taken me 2 years to realize this, but I finally realize it. Even though it felt like a personal attack on me, the words that were said, and the actions that were taken against me, well they were more about that person than about me. So I sit here thinking about this. I also think about the parents that are the opposite. The ones that see only the things that are wrong with their kids. The ones that don't ever give a compliment, they just nag, nag, nag. For instance my friend told me about her friend that is a parent. Through the entire game that her child was playing, all the friend did was constantly scream at her child everything that she was doing wrong. If we are constantly pointing out the flaws and trying to control the kids in our lives, stopping them from making every wrong decision, is this really teaching them? Or just controlling them? Now, like I said I am not trying to be an expert at parenting. But I am an expert at someone that is hard enough on herself without needing to hear it every two seconds from everyone else. I honestly am a critique of myself without anyone else needing to be. I kind of think we all are. Especially in the social media age we live in. Where we only see the perfect pics. Kids have enough pressure, without us trying to control every decision they make, and aspect of their lives.
Okay, so where am I going with this? The past month has brought a lot of healing in my life. People that I lost touch with, people that I on purpose lost touch with coming back into my life. Things that were said or done to me, that others have apologized for. Through all of it, I realize that these last 3 years have been a journey of healing. I still allow others to sometimes speak into my worth, but not near as much as I did three years ago. I still struggle with singleness, but it is no longer the focus of what defines me. I still struggle with loss, but I understand that sometimes people have to leave in order for healing and growth to happen.
We don't always get to feel validated. Sometimes it never happens. Sometimes it takes a couple of years before we truly understand that the truths that other people see aren't necessarily the ones that God sees. Sometimes in the quiet of going about our days, we realize that we are being transformed. We realize that behind the hurt and pain there has been this beautiful bloom that has taken shape. We realize that God has this amazing way of letting the bad change us for good.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
A Broken Heart
My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the hate and mocking
Watching the way that we dismiss each other's stories
The way we put one gender on a pedestal over another
My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the anger and violence
Not understanding why we don't open our eyes
We dismiss so easily the people that we don't agree with
My heart is breaking day by day
As I witness the hate against my fellow men and women
Hate because of differing political views
Hate because of differing skin color, and language
My heart is breaking day by day
As I search to understand how one side can claim Jesus,
yet be so hateful of the other side
I'm searching to understand, to grasp why it is okay to mock and put down
For my Jesus never did that
My Jesus wouldn't have been on that panel,
My Jesus wouldn't have laughed yesterday
My Jesus would have been for truth, real truth
Not one person against the other
My Jesus would be loving through the process
My heart is breaking day by day
I see people that don't want to love
They are satisfied with living their life in hate
I don't want to be a part of a group of people that only want to hate
That's not my belief
That's not who I am
I won't ever be for people that only want to judge, and diminish someone's story
My heart is breaking day by day
The pieces are crying out against all that tears them down
For I long to be a part of a world that is not broken
I long to be able to see a solution of unity, not division
Seeing the hate and mocking
Watching the way that we dismiss each other's stories
The way we put one gender on a pedestal over another
My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the anger and violence
Not understanding why we don't open our eyes
We dismiss so easily the people that we don't agree with
My heart is breaking day by day
As I witness the hate against my fellow men and women
Hate because of differing political views
Hate because of differing skin color, and language
My heart is breaking day by day
As I search to understand how one side can claim Jesus,
yet be so hateful of the other side
I'm searching to understand, to grasp why it is okay to mock and put down
For my Jesus never did that
My Jesus wouldn't have been on that panel,
My Jesus wouldn't have laughed yesterday
My Jesus would have been for truth, real truth
Not one person against the other
My Jesus would be loving through the process
My heart is breaking day by day
I see people that don't want to love
They are satisfied with living their life in hate
I don't want to be a part of a group of people that only want to hate
That's not my belief
That's not who I am
I won't ever be for people that only want to judge, and diminish someone's story
My heart is breaking day by day
The pieces are crying out against all that tears them down
For I long to be a part of a world that is not broken
I long to be able to see a solution of unity, not division
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Two Sides to Every Story... Why I don't really care about your opinion....
A couple months ago I decided to stop posting political stuff because in my head I was like, "It's not really going to do any good." Two months ago Tawnya was right. We post and post, making comments, sometimes just reading the comments for fun... thinking that we are going to change someone's mind. In reality most of the time when someone posts something, well at least in my case... I'm not actually interested in your opinion. I know that is a crazy thing to say in this opinionated social media mixed-up world. Most of the time when I post something, I genuinely believe in what I am posting, knowing full well that most of the people that I am "friends" with aren't going to agree with me.
I'm completely fine when people don't agree with me. In all reality when I stand before Jesus, the only person that I have to answer for is myself. I am not going to answer for the President, or my next door neighbor, or even the person that posted the awful meme to my page that I don't even remotely agree with. I don't account for any of those people. I only account for myself. Therefore you are allowed to think, and believe however you want.
Here's the thing though, the minute you start name calling, degrading, or making fun of people for their opinion is the minute I lose all respect for you. In my experience most of the people that are doing the name calling and degrading of others are the same people that claim to follow a God that loves everyone, and would NEVER stoop so low as to call someone a derogatory name based on their beliefs. It is amazing to me how day after day I come across awful remarks that people have said to each other, and about one specific type of political party. It amazes me how the same people preaching sacrificial love, are the ones spewing hate for that same love.
I'm not here to judge other people's lives, because honestly I have my own stuff that I need to deal with. But I won't be party to people being rude, hateful, or derogatory. Rape is never okay with me. Hate is never okay with me. Making fun of someone that is disabled and using the R word is not okay with me. These things aren't going to ever be okay with me. But I know that not everyone sees these things as evil. In fact a lot of people think that it is perfectly okay to rape someone when you are 17 because you are drunk, and never get held accountable for it. Some people think that rape is just a part of life for women, and that every woman who cries "rape" is a liar. Here's the thing, yes there are some women that have cried rape and it wasn't. But you know what? There are even more women that have been raped, and been too scared to tell anyone because they are afraid no one will believe them. Better yet there are more women that have been raped, tried to tell someone and NO ONE believed them.
But it is easier to just call the woman a liar, right? It is easier to just believe the man, because after all men are the superior being, right? It makes me sick to my stomach to think that there are girls out there being raped, molested, and abused that are too scared to go to their fathers, uncles, pastors because they are seeing what is going on in the news right now and questioning themselves. Maybe they had been drinking, and he had been drinking, but she still said no, and he went ahead anyways and did what he wanted to do. Then she turned on the news today, and saw where someone said that a 17 year old drunk male doesn't really know what he is doing, and therefore shouldn't be held accountable. So, she stays quiet. Because her Dad is on the church board, and has been a Republican his whole life, and she knows he won't understand. She stays quiet because in her youth group last night the only thing people were talking about was what a liar this woman is and every woman for that matter, that rape if the girl is drunk means that she is partly to blame too because she got drunk in the first place. So, she stays quiet, and doesn't say a word. Meanwhile the boy who raped her is sitting across from her in the same youth group. He doesn't feel any remorse. In fact he feels like he has just been given a green light. It's okay what happened, because they were both drunk, and he didn't really know what he was doing. He won't do it again. Well at least not with her, next time it will be another girl, at another party, while his parents think he is at a friend's house studying for his upcoming exam.
There are definitely two sides to every story. The truth is that we hear the story that we want to hear. We make excuses for those that we want to be in the right. We put on blinders to those that we think are in the wrong. In our society we automatically believe the white man first. There is bias, whether you want to believe it or not. We have grown up in such a way that our class and race does matter. For me I want to take the time to understand the other side to the story. Getting the facts, and looking them in the face. When I have been able to see both sides without bias, and can make a decision based on that, then I have the right to voice my opinion against someone else's. Meanwhile I really ought to keep my mouth shut.
I also feel like there is this thing where people only comment when they have a problem with what you are posting. Like oh.... I'm not going to like anything that you ever say, but how dare you post something that I don't agree with and then I am going to tell you that you are wrong. Here's the thing.... get to know me. Engage in conversation with me, and then we can talk about things. But the minute you start just putting me down, and my opinions on something down without engaging in my life... well you aren't going to get very far. You have a right to your opinion, but I also have the right to delete it, and not think about it again. I listen more to people that actually take the time to get to know who I am as a person, not just pop in whenever they want to tell me that my opinion is wrong.
This is why most of the time I am not going to care about your opinion, because most of the time when you are spouting off one insult after another you haven't take the time to actually do any research. Most of the time you are going off whatever little snipet you have just seen on social media that caught your eye. The people I respect and want to engage in actual conversation with, are the ones that have actually taken the time to research and want to engage in a loving, kind way.. not just trying to make waves on FB.
So, if you are still reading this, and you want to have an intelligent conversation about something that we disagree on, let me know... otherwise let's just keep doing what we do.... I won't interfere in your opinion and you don't interfere in mine.
I'm completely fine when people don't agree with me. In all reality when I stand before Jesus, the only person that I have to answer for is myself. I am not going to answer for the President, or my next door neighbor, or even the person that posted the awful meme to my page that I don't even remotely agree with. I don't account for any of those people. I only account for myself. Therefore you are allowed to think, and believe however you want.
Here's the thing though, the minute you start name calling, degrading, or making fun of people for their opinion is the minute I lose all respect for you. In my experience most of the people that are doing the name calling and degrading of others are the same people that claim to follow a God that loves everyone, and would NEVER stoop so low as to call someone a derogatory name based on their beliefs. It is amazing to me how day after day I come across awful remarks that people have said to each other, and about one specific type of political party. It amazes me how the same people preaching sacrificial love, are the ones spewing hate for that same love.
I'm not here to judge other people's lives, because honestly I have my own stuff that I need to deal with. But I won't be party to people being rude, hateful, or derogatory. Rape is never okay with me. Hate is never okay with me. Making fun of someone that is disabled and using the R word is not okay with me. These things aren't going to ever be okay with me. But I know that not everyone sees these things as evil. In fact a lot of people think that it is perfectly okay to rape someone when you are 17 because you are drunk, and never get held accountable for it. Some people think that rape is just a part of life for women, and that every woman who cries "rape" is a liar. Here's the thing, yes there are some women that have cried rape and it wasn't. But you know what? There are even more women that have been raped, and been too scared to tell anyone because they are afraid no one will believe them. Better yet there are more women that have been raped, tried to tell someone and NO ONE believed them.
But it is easier to just call the woman a liar, right? It is easier to just believe the man, because after all men are the superior being, right? It makes me sick to my stomach to think that there are girls out there being raped, molested, and abused that are too scared to go to their fathers, uncles, pastors because they are seeing what is going on in the news right now and questioning themselves. Maybe they had been drinking, and he had been drinking, but she still said no, and he went ahead anyways and did what he wanted to do. Then she turned on the news today, and saw where someone said that a 17 year old drunk male doesn't really know what he is doing, and therefore shouldn't be held accountable. So, she stays quiet. Because her Dad is on the church board, and has been a Republican his whole life, and she knows he won't understand. She stays quiet because in her youth group last night the only thing people were talking about was what a liar this woman is and every woman for that matter, that rape if the girl is drunk means that she is partly to blame too because she got drunk in the first place. So, she stays quiet, and doesn't say a word. Meanwhile the boy who raped her is sitting across from her in the same youth group. He doesn't feel any remorse. In fact he feels like he has just been given a green light. It's okay what happened, because they were both drunk, and he didn't really know what he was doing. He won't do it again. Well at least not with her, next time it will be another girl, at another party, while his parents think he is at a friend's house studying for his upcoming exam.
There are definitely two sides to every story. The truth is that we hear the story that we want to hear. We make excuses for those that we want to be in the right. We put on blinders to those that we think are in the wrong. In our society we automatically believe the white man first. There is bias, whether you want to believe it or not. We have grown up in such a way that our class and race does matter. For me I want to take the time to understand the other side to the story. Getting the facts, and looking them in the face. When I have been able to see both sides without bias, and can make a decision based on that, then I have the right to voice my opinion against someone else's. Meanwhile I really ought to keep my mouth shut.
I also feel like there is this thing where people only comment when they have a problem with what you are posting. Like oh.... I'm not going to like anything that you ever say, but how dare you post something that I don't agree with and then I am going to tell you that you are wrong. Here's the thing.... get to know me. Engage in conversation with me, and then we can talk about things. But the minute you start just putting me down, and my opinions on something down without engaging in my life... well you aren't going to get very far. You have a right to your opinion, but I also have the right to delete it, and not think about it again. I listen more to people that actually take the time to get to know who I am as a person, not just pop in whenever they want to tell me that my opinion is wrong.
This is why most of the time I am not going to care about your opinion, because most of the time when you are spouting off one insult after another you haven't take the time to actually do any research. Most of the time you are going off whatever little snipet you have just seen on social media that caught your eye. The people I respect and want to engage in actual conversation with, are the ones that have actually taken the time to research and want to engage in a loving, kind way.. not just trying to make waves on FB.
So, if you are still reading this, and you want to have an intelligent conversation about something that we disagree on, let me know... otherwise let's just keep doing what we do.... I won't interfere in your opinion and you don't interfere in mine.
My Uncle and some other things....
I actually started this blog last month, and had to take a little break from it. So here it is....
In August my Uncle passed away. It was unexpected, and I still don't even know why it hit me as hard as it did, except for the fact that he was my last blood uncle left. Also, my cousins (his kids) and I were only a year apart, one older than me and one younger than me. Even though they moved to Michigan when we were all just kids, summer breaks, Christmas trips up to Michigan, and then later on Spring Break trips all made the distance not seem so far.
Not every family is close, and probably there were years where I didn't really interact with him much at all or my cousins for that matter. If FB and social media have been good for anything, it has helped in my opinion to bring people closer that live far apart. FB allowed me a relationship with my Uncle that I wouldn't have had without it, I know that for sure. Even though most of our interaction was based purely on politics, and him trying to rile me up by going against everything I agreed with, I am still super thankful for the interaction.
This year my sisters and I along with my 2 cousins decided to have a cousin reunion. The 5 of us make up the younger cousins on my Dad's side of the family. We spent a lot of time together as kids. As adults the time together has been defined by weddings, babies, and funerals. Isn't that the case as we get older? We don't take time out to just be with each other. We only see each other on those special occasions.
I'm so glad that we took the time to have our cousins reunion in Michigan this year. I am even more glad that we took the time to go visit my Aunt and Uncle before our weekend adventure ended. Those memories from that visit will be the ones that I hold deep in my heart. Sitting at what used to be my Grandparent's table talking about various adventures. Eating Little Caesar's pizza, and salad straight from the back deck and my Uncle's garden. The moment when he wanted to start talking politics and my cousin told him we weren't doing that. My only regret from that visit, is not getting a picture. But here's the thing, I have the memory of his hug. I have the memory of how he looked when he said good-bye. Those things can't be caught in a picture. The way his eyes lit up when he saw us, and we talked about old times.
My Uncle was in a hunting accident about 23 years ago. He fell out of a tree and became paralyzed from the waist down. In the past 2 months I have learned a lot more about that accident than I ever knew before. I was only in high school when he had the accident. I didn't go up to Michigan to visit, my sisters and I stayed at home and another older cousin came to stay with us. But I learned that my Uncle was only expected to live at the most another 10 years. Most people that break their back don't live as long as he did. Another thing I learned is that he never stopped helping people. The reason he was loved by so many was because he was always wanting to help others. He didn't know a stranger, and he was always willing to have anyone over at the drop of a hat. He was an avid hunter and fisherman. Probably one of the best. Before my Grandparent's passed away he would come down to Missouri every hunting season. I'm sure it wasn't an easy trip. In fact it was probably pretty awful at times, but he made it anyways. He made it because family and hunting were important to him. He probably also did it, because my Grandma would wait on him hand and foot!
My Uncle Randy could have given up on life. He could have stopped hunting, and fishing. He could have just sat around and let life pass him by. In some ways I am sure he felt like he was doing that. But to those of us looking in from the outside he wasn't at all the kind of man to just give up. He kept going. He did what he had to do to keep doing what he loved. I am sure there were frustrating moments, you try not being able to walk for 20 plus years. But you know what? He never gave up. I am sure as he was getting older it was harder and harder to be confined to a wheelchair. I bet he would have given anything to get up and run around with his grandkids.
We don't have any idea what tomorrow is going to bring. We don't know where we are going to be or how long we have. The best that we can do is make the most out of every second. Our family and friends, don't always do things the way we wish they would. In fact sometimes they do things quite opposite of what is expected. But if I have learned anything at all from my Uncle, I have learned to never stop having adventures and doing the things that light up my life. For me my greatest joys come from my faith, my friends, my family, and new adventures.
In reflecting on the kind of man my Uncle was, I hope that I can take some of his adventure and compassion with me along the way. I long to be a person that sees the good in everyone. Someone that is able to help those around me, even when I have no energy left to be helpful. I long to have faith that no matter what God is in control and has my BEST in mind.
I hope this was a good tribute to him. I know that I miss him like crazy, but I am so glad that I got to have him in my life for 37 years. This world is a better place because of him. Because of what he taught to others, what he gave the Missouri hunting community, and how he loved his family. I'm thankful for an Uncle that showed me God's love and compassion for others. May I always remember him, and what he brought to this world.
In August my Uncle passed away. It was unexpected, and I still don't even know why it hit me as hard as it did, except for the fact that he was my last blood uncle left. Also, my cousins (his kids) and I were only a year apart, one older than me and one younger than me. Even though they moved to Michigan when we were all just kids, summer breaks, Christmas trips up to Michigan, and then later on Spring Break trips all made the distance not seem so far.
Not every family is close, and probably there were years where I didn't really interact with him much at all or my cousins for that matter. If FB and social media have been good for anything, it has helped in my opinion to bring people closer that live far apart. FB allowed me a relationship with my Uncle that I wouldn't have had without it, I know that for sure. Even though most of our interaction was based purely on politics, and him trying to rile me up by going against everything I agreed with, I am still super thankful for the interaction.
This year my sisters and I along with my 2 cousins decided to have a cousin reunion. The 5 of us make up the younger cousins on my Dad's side of the family. We spent a lot of time together as kids. As adults the time together has been defined by weddings, babies, and funerals. Isn't that the case as we get older? We don't take time out to just be with each other. We only see each other on those special occasions.
I'm so glad that we took the time to have our cousins reunion in Michigan this year. I am even more glad that we took the time to go visit my Aunt and Uncle before our weekend adventure ended. Those memories from that visit will be the ones that I hold deep in my heart. Sitting at what used to be my Grandparent's table talking about various adventures. Eating Little Caesar's pizza, and salad straight from the back deck and my Uncle's garden. The moment when he wanted to start talking politics and my cousin told him we weren't doing that. My only regret from that visit, is not getting a picture. But here's the thing, I have the memory of his hug. I have the memory of how he looked when he said good-bye. Those things can't be caught in a picture. The way his eyes lit up when he saw us, and we talked about old times.
My Uncle was in a hunting accident about 23 years ago. He fell out of a tree and became paralyzed from the waist down. In the past 2 months I have learned a lot more about that accident than I ever knew before. I was only in high school when he had the accident. I didn't go up to Michigan to visit, my sisters and I stayed at home and another older cousin came to stay with us. But I learned that my Uncle was only expected to live at the most another 10 years. Most people that break their back don't live as long as he did. Another thing I learned is that he never stopped helping people. The reason he was loved by so many was because he was always wanting to help others. He didn't know a stranger, and he was always willing to have anyone over at the drop of a hat. He was an avid hunter and fisherman. Probably one of the best. Before my Grandparent's passed away he would come down to Missouri every hunting season. I'm sure it wasn't an easy trip. In fact it was probably pretty awful at times, but he made it anyways. He made it because family and hunting were important to him. He probably also did it, because my Grandma would wait on him hand and foot!
My Uncle Randy could have given up on life. He could have stopped hunting, and fishing. He could have just sat around and let life pass him by. In some ways I am sure he felt like he was doing that. But to those of us looking in from the outside he wasn't at all the kind of man to just give up. He kept going. He did what he had to do to keep doing what he loved. I am sure there were frustrating moments, you try not being able to walk for 20 plus years. But you know what? He never gave up. I am sure as he was getting older it was harder and harder to be confined to a wheelchair. I bet he would have given anything to get up and run around with his grandkids.
We don't have any idea what tomorrow is going to bring. We don't know where we are going to be or how long we have. The best that we can do is make the most out of every second. Our family and friends, don't always do things the way we wish they would. In fact sometimes they do things quite opposite of what is expected. But if I have learned anything at all from my Uncle, I have learned to never stop having adventures and doing the things that light up my life. For me my greatest joys come from my faith, my friends, my family, and new adventures.
In reflecting on the kind of man my Uncle was, I hope that I can take some of his adventure and compassion with me along the way. I long to be a person that sees the good in everyone. Someone that is able to help those around me, even when I have no energy left to be helpful. I long to have faith that no matter what God is in control and has my BEST in mind.
I hope this was a good tribute to him. I know that I miss him like crazy, but I am so glad that I got to have him in my life for 37 years. This world is a better place because of him. Because of what he taught to others, what he gave the Missouri hunting community, and how he loved his family. I'm thankful for an Uncle that showed me God's love and compassion for others. May I always remember him, and what he brought to this world.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Loving the Life You Never Expected...
I'm at one of those crossroads that I often have where I am second guessing myself, my worth, and everything I've ever done with my life. A Master's degree and I am working a job that doesn't even require a degree. Sometimes it gets the best of me, the past two weeks have been one of those sometimes. I have been feeling just so down on where I am at. What I'm doing, and who I am impacting.
Here's the thing..... I know that my passion, what gets my heart going is not the work I am in right now. My passion is teaching, kids, and being around them. My passion is helping them to understand who they are, and what they are meant to be. So, that makes me continue to question. It makes me wonder how I got to this point. How did I get so far in to a job that I am just willing to keep doing it because I need "a job."
What does it mean to sacrifice? What does it mean to let go of the toxic and just do what you need to do? I have never not known what the next step was. I have changed jobs a lot, yes. But every time I have decided to switch jobs or careers I have had the next step lined up and knew exactly when and where my next check was coming from. So, here I sit wondering if this time I need to just leap.
It's not what I expected. A few months ago I thought everything was lining up exactly the way I expected it to. Apartment check, job check. But the thing is that things don't always go as planned, right?
I mean, heck I definitely thought by 37 I would be married and have kids. So, do you press on in a place that is toxic and not allowing you to live life the way that you know you need to? Or do you get out.
I don't think that we were meant to be miserable. I think that there is definitely things in our life that allow our heart to connect to those around us. We have gifts and talents that we need to use. Yes, we are called to be His hands and feet, but we aren't called to let others completely destroy us.
So, here I am. I'm leaving tomorrow to go celebrate the life of my Uncle. It has been such a hard month. He isn't commenting on any political posts that I share. Everytime I share one, it breaks my heart a little more. I miss his presence. I miss his strength. But mostly my heart breaks for my cousins and their kids because they lost such a huge piece of their everyday life.
In this time of remembering I realize how lucky I am to even be able to go to a job. I'm lucky that I can walk on two feet and go pretty much anywhere that I want to go. Yet I continue to feel sorry for myself, put myself down, and seek fairness in a world that will never be fair.
I'm going to love this life, no matter what happens next. But I am also not going to just stay in a place that I don't feel wanted. I am not into toxic relationships, or work environments. So, I press on, knowing that this life, even if I don't expect it.... I will love it always!
Here's the thing..... I know that my passion, what gets my heart going is not the work I am in right now. My passion is teaching, kids, and being around them. My passion is helping them to understand who they are, and what they are meant to be. So, that makes me continue to question. It makes me wonder how I got to this point. How did I get so far in to a job that I am just willing to keep doing it because I need "a job."
What does it mean to sacrifice? What does it mean to let go of the toxic and just do what you need to do? I have never not known what the next step was. I have changed jobs a lot, yes. But every time I have decided to switch jobs or careers I have had the next step lined up and knew exactly when and where my next check was coming from. So, here I sit wondering if this time I need to just leap.
It's not what I expected. A few months ago I thought everything was lining up exactly the way I expected it to. Apartment check, job check. But the thing is that things don't always go as planned, right?
I mean, heck I definitely thought by 37 I would be married and have kids. So, do you press on in a place that is toxic and not allowing you to live life the way that you know you need to? Or do you get out.
I don't think that we were meant to be miserable. I think that there is definitely things in our life that allow our heart to connect to those around us. We have gifts and talents that we need to use. Yes, we are called to be His hands and feet, but we aren't called to let others completely destroy us.
So, here I am. I'm leaving tomorrow to go celebrate the life of my Uncle. It has been such a hard month. He isn't commenting on any political posts that I share. Everytime I share one, it breaks my heart a little more. I miss his presence. I miss his strength. But mostly my heart breaks for my cousins and their kids because they lost such a huge piece of their everyday life.
In this time of remembering I realize how lucky I am to even be able to go to a job. I'm lucky that I can walk on two feet and go pretty much anywhere that I want to go. Yet I continue to feel sorry for myself, put myself down, and seek fairness in a world that will never be fair.
I'm going to love this life, no matter what happens next. But I am also not going to just stay in a place that I don't feel wanted. I am not into toxic relationships, or work environments. So, I press on, knowing that this life, even if I don't expect it.... I will love it always!
Thursday, August 23, 2018
A week away from 37....
One week from today I will be at a Packers-Chiefs game ringing in the beginning of my 38th year. Three years away from the BIG 40! Yikes! It seems crazy to think about how quickly life has flown by. I will be celebrating my 20th year out of high school next June! WHAT?
I used to think people were crazy when they said that they didn't feel old. Now I completely understand. Despite the occasional achy joint, I don't feel like I am about to turn 40.
I have thought a lot in the past few weeks about life, and what I want the next half of my life to look like. I mean I would like to live till I'm 80, but the chances of that happening are pretty slim. Just due to genetics, quality of life, and the fact that I put myself in crazy situations quite often! Ha!
The truth is that I have learned so much in the past 37 years, I have experienced so much, and I don't regret any of it! I wish that things could be different in some ways, but I I'm also thankful for the experiences that have made me stronger....
I love lists and so I am creating two lists in honor of my 38th birthday....
My 37 most life changing events, and 37 things that I have been learning....
37 Life Changing Events/Memories (in random order)
#1 My birth (ha!)
#2 The day I decided to follow Jesus
#3 Playing in our stock tank pool in our backyard in Mexico, MO
#4 Growing up with my two sisters, there are so many memories, I can't even describe them all
#5 The day I was baptized
#6 Deciding to take the job at Rawhide Ranch
#7 Stepping off the plane and onto California soil for the first time
#8 My first crush
#9 The first time a boy told me he liked me and meant it (if only I had known then, what I know now!)
#10 My first kiss
#11 The first time I got rejected because I wasn't pretty enough
#12 Moving into Pulliam dorm at HLG (now HLGU)
#13 Summers at the pool in our neighborhood
#14 Spending time with cousins at Grandpa and Grandma's
#15 Driving to/from Michigan
#16 Deer Season (I still claim it was a holiday for our family, ha!)
#17 Hearing a missionary speak at camp for the first time
#18 Swimming in a pond for the first time
#19 Summers at Rawhide
#20 Getting my Master's degree
#21 My first roadtrip to Colorado
#22 Moving to Egypt
#23 The first time I felt threatened because of the color of my hair and skin
#24 Riding a camel up "Mt. Sinai."
#25 Snorkeling in the Red Sea
#26 Seeing the Pyramids, and going inside them
#27 Seeing an Elephant walk down the street only 30 minutes after landing in Bangkok
#28 Teaching in Bangkok
#29 Visiting the Civil Rights Museum
#30 Going to The Crossing
#31 Learning Thai
#32 Living in Kuwait
#33 Seeing 12 year olds being used to earn money for their family through prostiution
#34 Moving back to the states
#35 Teaching at a private school
#37 Touring Anne Frank's House
37 Things I've Been Learning (random order)
#1 Not everyone is going to like me (I keep re-learning this over and over!)
#2 God is bigger than my greatest fear.
#3 God's design for me is to love and show that love to the world.
#4 People don't always make us feel loved
#5 We are all just trying to make a difference in this world
#6 Friends aren't always there for our whole lives, some of them just need to be around for seasons
#7 It is okay to say no
#8 It is okay to cancel plans
#9 It is okay to not be perfect
#10 Loving people is the best way to give my life worth
#11 It's okay to have a sensitive empathetic heart
#12 Sometimes it isn't about being right or wrong, it is about listening
#13 Life is made up of small moments, that make a huge impact
#14 Sometimes you have to keep giving, even though you are getting nothing back in return
#15 People need handmade cards with quotes on them, it helps them feel encouraged
#16 Prayer works
#17 Perfection is not something that will ever be easily attained
#18 Hiking is sometimes the only way that I can have a quiet place to talk to God
#19 I will never be what everyone wants me to be
#20 Sometimes it is okay to just do what I want, even if that means doing it alone
#21 My worth is not determined by the number of FB likes I get
#22 Solitude is worth a lot, taking time away in quiet needs to happen more
#23 God doesn't put people in my life by accident
#24 Some people are just meant to teach us something
#25 I need to put more time and effort into memories and people, not things
#26 Toxic people don't have to be a part of my life
#27 Boundaries are meant to help us grow and protect us
#28 It's okay to let someone go
#29 Time spent hearing other's stories is never a waste of time
#30 The more we understand about each other, the more we are going to be able to accomplish
#31 Not every Republican is racist, and not every Democrat agrees with abortion
#32 It is okay to sometimes say nothing at all
#33 Just because I have never been married and don't have kids, doesn't mean I am a failure at life
#34 There is evil in this world
#36 I was made for adventure
#37 My life is only lived well because I let love overflow out of me
I can't believe I am going to be 37!!!!
I used to think people were crazy when they said that they didn't feel old. Now I completely understand. Despite the occasional achy joint, I don't feel like I am about to turn 40.
I have thought a lot in the past few weeks about life, and what I want the next half of my life to look like. I mean I would like to live till I'm 80, but the chances of that happening are pretty slim. Just due to genetics, quality of life, and the fact that I put myself in crazy situations quite often! Ha!
The truth is that I have learned so much in the past 37 years, I have experienced so much, and I don't regret any of it! I wish that things could be different in some ways, but I I'm also thankful for the experiences that have made me stronger....
I love lists and so I am creating two lists in honor of my 38th birthday....
My 37 most life changing events, and 37 things that I have been learning....
37 Life Changing Events/Memories (in random order)
#1 My birth (ha!)
#2 The day I decided to follow Jesus
#3 Playing in our stock tank pool in our backyard in Mexico, MO
#4 Growing up with my two sisters, there are so many memories, I can't even describe them all
#5 The day I was baptized
#6 Deciding to take the job at Rawhide Ranch
#7 Stepping off the plane and onto California soil for the first time
#8 My first crush
#9 The first time a boy told me he liked me and meant it (if only I had known then, what I know now!)
#10 My first kiss
#11 The first time I got rejected because I wasn't pretty enough
#12 Moving into Pulliam dorm at HLG (now HLGU)
#13 Summers at the pool in our neighborhood
#14 Spending time with cousins at Grandpa and Grandma's
#15 Driving to/from Michigan
#16 Deer Season (I still claim it was a holiday for our family, ha!)
#17 Hearing a missionary speak at camp for the first time
#18 Swimming in a pond for the first time
#19 Summers at Rawhide
#20 Getting my Master's degree
#21 My first roadtrip to Colorado
#22 Moving to Egypt
#23 The first time I felt threatened because of the color of my hair and skin
#24 Riding a camel up "Mt. Sinai."
#25 Snorkeling in the Red Sea
#26 Seeing the Pyramids, and going inside them
#27 Seeing an Elephant walk down the street only 30 minutes after landing in Bangkok
#28 Teaching in Bangkok
#29 Visiting the Civil Rights Museum
#30 Going to The Crossing
#31 Learning Thai
#32 Living in Kuwait
#33 Seeing 12 year olds being used to earn money for their family through prostiution
#34 Moving back to the states
#35 Teaching at a private school
#37 Touring Anne Frank's House
37 Things I've Been Learning (random order)
#1 Not everyone is going to like me (I keep re-learning this over and over!)
#2 God is bigger than my greatest fear.
#3 God's design for me is to love and show that love to the world.
#4 People don't always make us feel loved
#5 We are all just trying to make a difference in this world
#6 Friends aren't always there for our whole lives, some of them just need to be around for seasons
#7 It is okay to say no
#8 It is okay to cancel plans
#9 It is okay to not be perfect
#10 Loving people is the best way to give my life worth
#11 It's okay to have a sensitive empathetic heart
#12 Sometimes it isn't about being right or wrong, it is about listening
#13 Life is made up of small moments, that make a huge impact
#14 Sometimes you have to keep giving, even though you are getting nothing back in return
#15 People need handmade cards with quotes on them, it helps them feel encouraged
#16 Prayer works
#17 Perfection is not something that will ever be easily attained
#18 Hiking is sometimes the only way that I can have a quiet place to talk to God
#19 I will never be what everyone wants me to be
#20 Sometimes it is okay to just do what I want, even if that means doing it alone
#21 My worth is not determined by the number of FB likes I get
#22 Solitude is worth a lot, taking time away in quiet needs to happen more
#23 God doesn't put people in my life by accident
#24 Some people are just meant to teach us something
#25 I need to put more time and effort into memories and people, not things
#26 Toxic people don't have to be a part of my life
#27 Boundaries are meant to help us grow and protect us
#28 It's okay to let someone go
#29 Time spent hearing other's stories is never a waste of time
#30 The more we understand about each other, the more we are going to be able to accomplish
#31 Not every Republican is racist, and not every Democrat agrees with abortion
#32 It is okay to sometimes say nothing at all
#33 Just because I have never been married and don't have kids, doesn't mean I am a failure at life
#34 There is evil in this world
#36 I was made for adventure
#37 My life is only lived well because I let love overflow out of me
I can't believe I am going to be 37!!!!
My Year of Less
A couple months ago a friend told me about the book by Cait Flanders, The Year of Less.
I read it and was amazed. I was amazed by this woman's ability to take a year and not spend. Because for me spending is really a way of coping with things that I can't deal with. I am an impulse buyer. I buy things when I want to feel better. I often buy things that I already have 5 of, and don't really need. Moving twice in the past year has made me realize that I have way too much stuff. I fill my walls with things instead of memories sometimes. I put worth in the things that I have. I allow those things to be what comforts me, what gives me worth. I spend way too much money on things that are essentially meaningless.
So... I have decided that starting September 1st, I am going to take a year off of impulse buying. There are going to be ground rules for myself, and I am going to think through those as I read through the book again this week.
It is going to be a tough year. It is going to take a lot of discipline on my part, a lot of self-restraint. I know that I might fail in some moments, but no matter what I know that this year is going to change me.
Some of the things I am planning on in the next year.
Making a list of things that I am allowed to buy such as toothpaste, TP, other such products.
Make a list of things that I am not going to be purchasing at all. Such as craft supplies, books, etc.
Make a list of things that I will purchase if I throw out the old one that I have. For example t-shirts, shoes, make-up.
I am not sure what this will evolve into, and if anyone reading this blog has done this... let me know how it went! I would love to hear about it!
Check back for updates throughout the year!
I read it and was amazed. I was amazed by this woman's ability to take a year and not spend. Because for me spending is really a way of coping with things that I can't deal with. I am an impulse buyer. I buy things when I want to feel better. I often buy things that I already have 5 of, and don't really need. Moving twice in the past year has made me realize that I have way too much stuff. I fill my walls with things instead of memories sometimes. I put worth in the things that I have. I allow those things to be what comforts me, what gives me worth. I spend way too much money on things that are essentially meaningless.
So... I have decided that starting September 1st, I am going to take a year off of impulse buying. There are going to be ground rules for myself, and I am going to think through those as I read through the book again this week.
It is going to be a tough year. It is going to take a lot of discipline on my part, a lot of self-restraint. I know that I might fail in some moments, but no matter what I know that this year is going to change me.
Some of the things I am planning on in the next year.
Making a list of things that I am allowed to buy such as toothpaste, TP, other such products.
Make a list of things that I am not going to be purchasing at all. Such as craft supplies, books, etc.
Make a list of things that I will purchase if I throw out the old one that I have. For example t-shirts, shoes, make-up.
I am not sure what this will evolve into, and if anyone reading this blog has done this... let me know how it went! I would love to hear about it!
Check back for updates throughout the year!
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Dating is stupid and other fun facts....
I hate dating right now. Actually I don't know that I ever enjoyed it, but it seems especially stupid right now. Here's the thing....I refuse to go on a date with someone just because they asked me to go. First of all, I am done with guys that claim to be the good guys. You know the type. They are nice, kind, offer to pay for dinner, and then they try to stick their tongues down your throat. What? Seriously.... I am not in the need of that kind of guy.
Here's the thing.... last year I was ready to just take anyone. I had pretty much determined that I wasn't worth someone being faithful, and choosing me. I didn't think I was good enough to be wanted by a decent man. A man that actually loved God and wanted to follow Him with their whole heart. So I gave in, quite a bit actually. I allowed myself to be used, and I didn't view myself the way I should have. The truth is that I didn't think good "Christian" guys would ever treat me that way. But they did. One right after the other. I'm sick of it. I am sick and tired of men on dating sights claiming to be men of integrity when they are only after one thing.
I'm done.
I refused to allow them to use me. I refuse to be someone that just gives in. So... yes I am going to hold any man that asks me on a date to a high standard. If you don't like that, then you know what.... you don't have to date me. Because here's the thing....I want a family one day, but not at the expense of my beliefs. I wont cease to believe the things I do, just to acquire a date.
I haven't always felt like this. Even last year at this time, I felt like I just had to take what I could get, but you know what? I'm done with that! There is a man that loves Jesus, and will pursue me out there somewhere. I have to believe that. A man who won't be scared by my wall, my independence, or my sarcasm. A man that will make me laugh. A man that will be able to see through my sarcasm and understand that behind the wall I have put up is someone that just wants to be loved. The right man will be able to break through all of those insecurities, because he will know exactly how to love with a love that doesn't come from him alone.
I look forward to that day, and pray that I don't have to spend more more time in this stupid world of dating! Ugh.
Here's the thing.... last year I was ready to just take anyone. I had pretty much determined that I wasn't worth someone being faithful, and choosing me. I didn't think I was good enough to be wanted by a decent man. A man that actually loved God and wanted to follow Him with their whole heart. So I gave in, quite a bit actually. I allowed myself to be used, and I didn't view myself the way I should have. The truth is that I didn't think good "Christian" guys would ever treat me that way. But they did. One right after the other. I'm sick of it. I am sick and tired of men on dating sights claiming to be men of integrity when they are only after one thing.
I'm done.
I refused to allow them to use me. I refuse to be someone that just gives in. So... yes I am going to hold any man that asks me on a date to a high standard. If you don't like that, then you know what.... you don't have to date me. Because here's the thing....I want a family one day, but not at the expense of my beliefs. I wont cease to believe the things I do, just to acquire a date.
I haven't always felt like this. Even last year at this time, I felt like I just had to take what I could get, but you know what? I'm done with that! There is a man that loves Jesus, and will pursue me out there somewhere. I have to believe that. A man who won't be scared by my wall, my independence, or my sarcasm. A man that will make me laugh. A man that will be able to see through my sarcasm and understand that behind the wall I have put up is someone that just wants to be loved. The right man will be able to break through all of those insecurities, because he will know exactly how to love with a love that doesn't come from him alone.
I look forward to that day, and pray that I don't have to spend more more time in this stupid world of dating! Ugh.
40 Before 40.... Update before my 37th birthday!
40 before 40 update....
I know you all have been dying to see this list again! Ha! But I have some things to add to it! :) I know, I know..... you can't wait! My latest updates are in Yellow!
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival Completed last Fall! :) Hope to get to another one soon!
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop! Could 2019 be the year? Hmmm...... Anyone want to go????
#3 Pay School Loans down Blah... I hate this one!
#4 Go Skydiving 2019.....
#5 Get a tattoo I have TWO tattoos now! Yippeee!!!! Love my elephant and owl! I really want another one!!!!!! I already have the next ones picked out! Ha! :) I really want another tattoo!
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California Maybe next summer (2019)
#7 See a show at the Fox. This needs to happen!
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting This is happening after I get my new apartment! Yippeee!
#9 Hike some of the PCT This is going to be the trip for my 40th birthday! Get ready!
#10 Get in the best shape of my life Blah... I'm sucking that this!
#11 Go skinnydipping I have high hopes for this one happening by next summer! ha!
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year (Yikes, I need to get on this one for this year!) Ummm.... I really need to start doing this...
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto I need to get on this!
#16 Go to a race track that has cars, not horses! I'm working on this one!
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities (I did well with this!!!) I am going to change this one.... Be open to new dating opportunities, but don't just take any of them, because some of them are CRAZY! I completed this... checking it off the list! I HATE dating!!!!!!
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip Not solo.... I need a friend or two....
#20 Read every book by C.S. Lewis Still at work!
#21 Learn to Knit (Still working on this, but I am a great loom knitter) Work in progress
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation (Ugh, not so great with this) Hmmm.....
#23 Read 100 books (Need to make my list) I have read a lot oFallf books, but I need to be writing them somewhere.
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes Fall Goal!
#26 Do one kind deed everyday of my life.
#27 Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year Happening! Love my Bible App!
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon Changing this #28 Drink MORE tea!!!!! Kombucha for the win!
#29 Run the Bolder Boulder 2019?????
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100 Yikes, I need a film buddy!
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended (Getting better with this) Rats, I suck at this!
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon 2019 for sure!
#33 Write a short story I have an outline of one!
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year (I didn't do this at all) I'm stinking at this!
#35 Pray everyday (More work needed with this)
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away (I will do this)
#39 Make something crafty and sell it (Yay! I did this! )
#40 Step out of my comfort zone at least once a day.
When People Aren't Who You Want Them To Be....
People really don't meet my expectations quite a bit, and yet I still haven't learned to not have expectations. It is one of those things that I think I will just always expect people to be better than they are. But the extent at which people are letting me down has been higher in the past couple months than I care to admit.
Here's the thing. I do not expect you to be everyone's best friend. In my opinion you are not even going to like everyone, but you if you claim to be who He is... then you must love them. Not just love with words. Like you say you love everyone, but then the next thing you are posting on FB is some meme about how all liberals are this or how all conservatives do this. No, I mean really love ALL people. No matter where they come from, what they have done, and what they might do in the future.
LOVE....
There are 2 specific people that I can think of right now that I am really having a hard time understanding. One of them is someone that is stepping away from her entire family because some members of her family aren't doing what she thinks is the "right" thing to do. Now... let me just say this.... I love this person, but I will probably not engage in conversation with her again unless I see with my own eyes that her heart is in a different place. Because here's the thing. We aren't called to judge those around us, and not associate with them because we think they are making the "wrong choice." We are called to be there for EVERYONE! No matter what kind of choices they make, no matter what they are doing with their lives. I seem to recall a certain teacher loving those that were the most hypocritical out of all of them. Those people that think they are better than the rest of us.... I have news for you.... you aren't. No one is.... and if you even took 5 minutes to examine yourself instead of putting yourself on a pedestal you would realize it too!
The other person that I am having a hard time with is someone that has completely stopped talking to her family, for reasons that even she probably doesn't know anymore. People have reached out to her, and she continues to ignore them. You know why? Because she holds grudges about things that happened in her childhood. What? Childhood people! Come on! Let it go! Also, guess what??? The people that want to be in her life had nothing to do with her childhood. It saddens me that this person is missing out on relationships with her family because she is too stubborn to let things go.
So... this is what I say. Nothing is worth kicking your family out of your life. Family is there through it all. They know your good parts, and your bad parts. They know how to push your buttons. But they also are going to be the only ones there when no one else is! Be thankful for your family.
Know that no one is going to be exactly who you need them to be. We all have things in our lives that happen that we wish wouldn't have happened, but we learn from it, grow from it, and move forward.
I hope that I can see people the way God does, without my human expectations!
Here's the thing. I do not expect you to be everyone's best friend. In my opinion you are not even going to like everyone, but you if you claim to be who He is... then you must love them. Not just love with words. Like you say you love everyone, but then the next thing you are posting on FB is some meme about how all liberals are this or how all conservatives do this. No, I mean really love ALL people. No matter where they come from, what they have done, and what they might do in the future.
LOVE....
There are 2 specific people that I can think of right now that I am really having a hard time understanding. One of them is someone that is stepping away from her entire family because some members of her family aren't doing what she thinks is the "right" thing to do. Now... let me just say this.... I love this person, but I will probably not engage in conversation with her again unless I see with my own eyes that her heart is in a different place. Because here's the thing. We aren't called to judge those around us, and not associate with them because we think they are making the "wrong choice." We are called to be there for EVERYONE! No matter what kind of choices they make, no matter what they are doing with their lives. I seem to recall a certain teacher loving those that were the most hypocritical out of all of them. Those people that think they are better than the rest of us.... I have news for you.... you aren't. No one is.... and if you even took 5 minutes to examine yourself instead of putting yourself on a pedestal you would realize it too!
The other person that I am having a hard time with is someone that has completely stopped talking to her family, for reasons that even she probably doesn't know anymore. People have reached out to her, and she continues to ignore them. You know why? Because she holds grudges about things that happened in her childhood. What? Childhood people! Come on! Let it go! Also, guess what??? The people that want to be in her life had nothing to do with her childhood. It saddens me that this person is missing out on relationships with her family because she is too stubborn to let things go.
So... this is what I say. Nothing is worth kicking your family out of your life. Family is there through it all. They know your good parts, and your bad parts. They know how to push your buttons. But they also are going to be the only ones there when no one else is! Be thankful for your family.
Know that no one is going to be exactly who you need them to be. We all have things in our lives that happen that we wish wouldn't have happened, but we learn from it, grow from it, and move forward.
I hope that I can see people the way God does, without my human expectations!
Where I am at... My Summer in a nutshell... kind of...
So, it has been over a month since I have written a blog post! AGGHHH! I don't know the last time I went this long without writing something. But it has been a crazy month. I moved to JC. I started a new job, took 2 trips out of the state, and my uncle passed away. Not to mention that with the start of anything new whether it is a job or a new apartment there are so many things you have to adjust to.
So here I am trying to adjust.
Here's the first thing I know. I love where I am at. I have been able to go to the pool SO much this summer, and it has been my little stress-free zone. It has brought me so much comfort, but also I realized how much a pool brings people together. It is a socializing place. I have gotten to know some of my neighbors because of the pool, and I am so thankful for that. I have been able to meet some pretty epic people, and I am super thankful for this summer.
I also have the best roommate. It is someone that I can be open and honest with. She even listened to me the other night when I was at the end of what I could handle. I wasn't doing well, and she was there. It was a nice change for sure. I feel safe in my apartment. I feel like I can be who I am, and that's important.
We need to feel safe, we need to feel like we have a home to go to.
Starting a new job is always tough. You don't know the culture, you can't trust anyone, and you wonder if you made the right decision.
Especially this past week I have been feeling this. I am constantly second guessing myself. Wondering what I am doing, I know I am doing a good job, but I just constantly am feeling like I am having to prove myself, and I hate that.
I am also trying to find a new church.....
it hasn't been fun. Mostly because I love The Crossing, even if I have been hurt by people that go there it is the one place that I felt like I was "home."
I went to Memphis! I got to go to the Civil Rights Museum. I got to see the wreath hanging outside on the balcony where a life was taken in hatred. And I wept. I wept so much. My heart breaks even now writing this, thinking of the things people have had to go through because of the color of their skin. The injustice that they have had to endure. It breaks me every single time.
Last weekend I went to Michigan to be with my aunt and cousins. 2 weeks ago today, my Uncle passed away. It is the hardest death I have ever had to deal with. I think most of it is because I don't understand it, but also because I just saw him, and I grew up seeing him regularly. All of my memories of my Dad's side involve him or my cousins. It is one of those moments in my life that I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I heard of his passing. I know he's in a better place, but it doesn't hurt any less. He was the best hunter (sorry Dad) that I knew. He gave generously, never really knowing a stranger (same as my Dad). My Uncle will be missed by so many, but especially by his family... my cousins and aunt. My heart breaks for them, and although I don't wish that to define my summer, in some ways it has.
So... that's kind of where I am at...
There will be a few more posts about some of this....
So here I am trying to adjust.
Here's the first thing I know. I love where I am at. I have been able to go to the pool SO much this summer, and it has been my little stress-free zone. It has brought me so much comfort, but also I realized how much a pool brings people together. It is a socializing place. I have gotten to know some of my neighbors because of the pool, and I am so thankful for that. I have been able to meet some pretty epic people, and I am super thankful for this summer.
I also have the best roommate. It is someone that I can be open and honest with. She even listened to me the other night when I was at the end of what I could handle. I wasn't doing well, and she was there. It was a nice change for sure. I feel safe in my apartment. I feel like I can be who I am, and that's important.
We need to feel safe, we need to feel like we have a home to go to.
Starting a new job is always tough. You don't know the culture, you can't trust anyone, and you wonder if you made the right decision.
Especially this past week I have been feeling this. I am constantly second guessing myself. Wondering what I am doing, I know I am doing a good job, but I just constantly am feeling like I am having to prove myself, and I hate that.
I am also trying to find a new church.....
it hasn't been fun. Mostly because I love The Crossing, even if I have been hurt by people that go there it is the one place that I felt like I was "home."
I went to Memphis! I got to go to the Civil Rights Museum. I got to see the wreath hanging outside on the balcony where a life was taken in hatred. And I wept. I wept so much. My heart breaks even now writing this, thinking of the things people have had to go through because of the color of their skin. The injustice that they have had to endure. It breaks me every single time.
Last weekend I went to Michigan to be with my aunt and cousins. 2 weeks ago today, my Uncle passed away. It is the hardest death I have ever had to deal with. I think most of it is because I don't understand it, but also because I just saw him, and I grew up seeing him regularly. All of my memories of my Dad's side involve him or my cousins. It is one of those moments in my life that I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I heard of his passing. I know he's in a better place, but it doesn't hurt any less. He was the best hunter (sorry Dad) that I knew. He gave generously, never really knowing a stranger (same as my Dad). My Uncle will be missed by so many, but especially by his family... my cousins and aunt. My heart breaks for them, and although I don't wish that to define my summer, in some ways it has.
So... that's kind of where I am at...
There will be a few more posts about some of this....
Saturday, July 14, 2018
A New Move that makes a Different Outlook...
Sometimes God has this way of completely dropping you in a place that you never even knew you needed. Actually that has happened a lot of times in my life. I've found myself always surrounded by people that I didn't even know I was missing from my life, till I met them. This move is no different. Although it is only 30 minutes from where I grew up, I am finding that it is far enough away that I have to get used to the culture here, but I am still in this place of familiarity.
Let me tell you how God is working. First of all I knew that I was going to need a different place to live. My living situation this past year was challenging due to different personalities that never should have been living in the same apartment, and me really just not feeling comfortable having strangers in and out of my living space all of the time. So, I started thinking and looking for a roommate. That was when my good friend told me about someone that was moving and needed a roommate. I was nervous and was not sure if it was even worth looking into. Then I found out that she found a place in Jeff City.
So..... I said yes, and decided I would just commute to and from CoMo.
Then I found a job to apply for within CC.
And I got it!
So, now I think about how God continues to work and move. I think about how He puts people in my path. I think about the reasons that He might want me in Jeff City.
As I continue on this journey of the single life, I realize that my life moves don't have to revolve on finding "someone." Because in all reality we are made for community, it just looks differently for different people. For me I am done letting my life moves be made based on where I might find someone.
Instead I believe with my whole heart that there are people that I need to meet in JC that I wouldn't have been able to meet if I had stayed in CoMo. Our life is meant to be lived with love.
So... as I journey along..... I realize that this truly is my best life, because it is the life that gives me a chance to love His people.
Let me tell you how God is working. First of all I knew that I was going to need a different place to live. My living situation this past year was challenging due to different personalities that never should have been living in the same apartment, and me really just not feeling comfortable having strangers in and out of my living space all of the time. So, I started thinking and looking for a roommate. That was when my good friend told me about someone that was moving and needed a roommate. I was nervous and was not sure if it was even worth looking into. Then I found out that she found a place in Jeff City.
So..... I said yes, and decided I would just commute to and from CoMo.
Then I found a job to apply for within CC.
And I got it!
So, now I think about how God continues to work and move. I think about how He puts people in my path. I think about the reasons that He might want me in Jeff City.
As I continue on this journey of the single life, I realize that my life moves don't have to revolve on finding "someone." Because in all reality we are made for community, it just looks differently for different people. For me I am done letting my life moves be made based on where I might find someone.
Instead I believe with my whole heart that there are people that I need to meet in JC that I wouldn't have been able to meet if I had stayed in CoMo. Our life is meant to be lived with love.
So... as I journey along..... I realize that this truly is my best life, because it is the life that gives me a chance to love His people.
Thursday, July 5, 2018
Not being offended....
This week I did a study through my Bible App that was about being unoffendable. Wouldn't you know that it seemed like there was something that happened everyday this week that I had the opportunity to get offended or not. I wish I could say that I succeeded most of the week! But I didn't!
I will say that today something happened that I really am having to work through. Do you ever have something happen, or in this case it didn't happen and it makes you question your worth and value to others? It makes you wonder if you even matter at all.
That's where I am at today. I'm in this place of wondering if I even really make a difference to those around me. Even as I type this I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I know that people care about me. But isn't it so easy for us to just dismiss people out of our lives? I feel like I miss people a lot more than they miss me. Maybe that is just my personality. Maybe I just have a sensitive heart, and I am always going to be the one that hurts more when people step out of my life. Or maybe I just express my affection more. I am not sure... but I sure do know that I never want other people to question their worth the way I am questioning mine. I never want to be the person that makes others feel like they don't matter.
So, I am going to take this as a lesson. I am not going to be offended, but I am going to be a little hurt. I can get over the hurt though. I am going to use the hurt to engage in helping others. I am going to continue to go out of my way to make sure that other people know that they are loved, valued, and that they are important in my life. Not just when I see them everyday, but they are important because they impact me. They are important because they are a part of my journey.
Now I know that not everyone is meant to be in your life for all seasons. I get that. I know that sometimes you have to let people go. Some people are only meant to walk with you for a little while. But I think that even if people are only meant to walk with us for a little while, we still have the responsibility to tell them that they are valued by us. We need to be building each other up. Making sure people know what they mean to us. Inviting them in, even if maybe they aren't our best friend. Taking the time to listen to their hearts. Taking the time to ask ourselves how we can be there for others. It doesn't take a lot to lend an ear to someone, or invite them along on an outing.
I am going to try my best in the coming weeks to be less offended by others, and show more love, invite people places more, and include everyone even those that I don't necessarily connect with immediately.
We are all just doing our best, so let's make sure that our best is loving those around us, and letting them know what they mean to us. Because everyday matters in making memories, and knowing you are loved.
I will say that today something happened that I really am having to work through. Do you ever have something happen, or in this case it didn't happen and it makes you question your worth and value to others? It makes you wonder if you even matter at all.
That's where I am at today. I'm in this place of wondering if I even really make a difference to those around me. Even as I type this I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I know that people care about me. But isn't it so easy for us to just dismiss people out of our lives? I feel like I miss people a lot more than they miss me. Maybe that is just my personality. Maybe I just have a sensitive heart, and I am always going to be the one that hurts more when people step out of my life. Or maybe I just express my affection more. I am not sure... but I sure do know that I never want other people to question their worth the way I am questioning mine. I never want to be the person that makes others feel like they don't matter.
So, I am going to take this as a lesson. I am not going to be offended, but I am going to be a little hurt. I can get over the hurt though. I am going to use the hurt to engage in helping others. I am going to continue to go out of my way to make sure that other people know that they are loved, valued, and that they are important in my life. Not just when I see them everyday, but they are important because they impact me. They are important because they are a part of my journey.
Now I know that not everyone is meant to be in your life for all seasons. I get that. I know that sometimes you have to let people go. Some people are only meant to walk with you for a little while. But I think that even if people are only meant to walk with us for a little while, we still have the responsibility to tell them that they are valued by us. We need to be building each other up. Making sure people know what they mean to us. Inviting them in, even if maybe they aren't our best friend. Taking the time to listen to their hearts. Taking the time to ask ourselves how we can be there for others. It doesn't take a lot to lend an ear to someone, or invite them along on an outing.
I am going to try my best in the coming weeks to be less offended by others, and show more love, invite people places more, and include everyone even those that I don't necessarily connect with immediately.
We are all just doing our best, so let's make sure that our best is loving those around us, and letting them know what they mean to us. Because everyday matters in making memories, and knowing you are loved.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
A Year of No Spending.... Life changes take 2
My original post was going to actually be on this topic, then I ended up writing about immigration, and I didn't feel like those two things belonged together.
I am getting ready to move, and I feel like there has been a common theme surrounding this move. The theme is "GET RID OF THE CRAP!"
I could be considered a hoarder in some areas of my life for sure. I am definitely an impulsive buyer. I will spend money on something and then it will sit for days, weeks, months, or even years. In fact some things that I have bought I have just never even used or opened. Or I will buy something like paintbrushes, and then put them somewhere safe, only to need them again and I can't find them. Then I will buy more because they are only $5.00! Ha!
So, about a month or so ago, my friend told me about a book I should read... maybe you have heard of it...
Cait Flanders is the author. I actually have a couple more on my list to read as well before I embark on this journey. But I am going to embark on this journey.
A year of no spending.
I haven't decided on all the rules I am going to abide by, but I have decided I am going to do it. Mostly because I just have too much crap. I had to have a storage unit this past year, with stuff in it, that I didn't even look twice at for a year. Now.... if I haven't used it in a year... do I really need it?
Even the keepsakes, I am just becoming less and less attached to. Like do I really need to keep all the scrapbooks that I made for my junior high/high school/college days? Sure they are fun to get out every once in awhile, but I mean come on.... who is going to want to keep those when I leave this earth? Probably no one!
So...I am getting prepared for this year of no spending. It doesn't mean that I am not going to go out, it doesn't mean that I am not going to spend any money at all. It just means that I am going to say good-bye to the things that I spend money on that I don't actually need. Like craft supplies, and Starbucks. Things that I could make myself for a whole lot cheaper.
I don't want to have to have a storage unit to store my stuff. I want to be able to pack it all up if I need to and go. Why do I need boxes and boxes of stuff? What's the point?
So.... the first step is getting rid of a bunch of stuff. The next step is not buying stuff that I don't need. The third step is investing in travel, paying off bills, and people instead of stuff.
Check back for updates on my journey!
I am excited! I don't have an official launch date, but it is coming!
I am getting ready to move, and I feel like there has been a common theme surrounding this move. The theme is "GET RID OF THE CRAP!"
I could be considered a hoarder in some areas of my life for sure. I am definitely an impulsive buyer. I will spend money on something and then it will sit for days, weeks, months, or even years. In fact some things that I have bought I have just never even used or opened. Or I will buy something like paintbrushes, and then put them somewhere safe, only to need them again and I can't find them. Then I will buy more because they are only $5.00! Ha!
So, about a month or so ago, my friend told me about a book I should read... maybe you have heard of it...
Cait Flanders is the author. I actually have a couple more on my list to read as well before I embark on this journey. But I am going to embark on this journey.
A year of no spending.
I haven't decided on all the rules I am going to abide by, but I have decided I am going to do it. Mostly because I just have too much crap. I had to have a storage unit this past year, with stuff in it, that I didn't even look twice at for a year. Now.... if I haven't used it in a year... do I really need it?
Even the keepsakes, I am just becoming less and less attached to. Like do I really need to keep all the scrapbooks that I made for my junior high/high school/college days? Sure they are fun to get out every once in awhile, but I mean come on.... who is going to want to keep those when I leave this earth? Probably no one!
So...I am getting prepared for this year of no spending. It doesn't mean that I am not going to go out, it doesn't mean that I am not going to spend any money at all. It just means that I am going to say good-bye to the things that I spend money on that I don't actually need. Like craft supplies, and Starbucks. Things that I could make myself for a whole lot cheaper.
I don't want to have to have a storage unit to store my stuff. I want to be able to pack it all up if I need to and go. Why do I need boxes and boxes of stuff? What's the point?
So.... the first step is getting rid of a bunch of stuff. The next step is not buying stuff that I don't need. The third step is investing in travel, paying off bills, and people instead of stuff.
Check back for updates on my journey!
I am excited! I don't have an official launch date, but it is coming!
Life Changes.... where do I stand?
I've tried to be kind of quiet on FB these days, just because I feel like I am constantly bombarded with things that make my skin crawl, and turn my stomach inside out. There are some pretty big changes about to happen in my life this next month. I am switching to the Jeff City location, and moving in to a new apartment in Jeff City. A couple months ago I felt like God was making some big changes in my life, but I didn't know exactly what those were going to be and where it would take me. I was prepared to move across the ocean. I was prepared to step way outside of my comfort zone, but turns out that He wants me here for awhile. I had also been feeling like He was changing my church location. I didn't know where He was going to move me to, but I felt it, and I kept pushing back against it.
Until I had the realization that maybe my journey needs to be somewhere else. It isn't anything against where I am currently attending, volunteering and majorly involved. I think that my heart is just being moved. For me I need to be in a place where people are standing up for kids that are being torn away from their parents. For me I need to be in a place that is going to take a stand against hate. Take a strong stand against injustice. You see I don't need all the information to know that what is happening isn't right. I don't need to know all the laws, and all the ins and outs. I just need to know that kids are being taken from their parents, for seeking asylum. For seeking refuge. I just need to know that love isn't winning in order for me to stand up for what I believe to be right. What I believe to be the way of love, grace, and mercy.
I will never be a typical American. Living overseas for 5 years changed me. It changed my heart, it changed the way that I view the world, and it gave me a new perspective. It changed my loyalty. I became loyal to Christ first, before any country, flag, or anthem. I became loyal to loving people, all people instead of only seeing the needs in my own country. I would never choose the life of an American over someone from another country, just because they are American. It's not how He has created me to be. That character trait alone, will cause some people to hate me, and I am okay with that. It could even put my life in danger, and I am okay with that. Because when I get to where I am going next, I don't want to say.... well I thought that you created Americans better. Nope, I want to say... I loved everyone just as you would have. I treated everyone with the same compassion, love, and grace that you would have. I put my loyalty in you, my faith in you, and trusted that you were where my heart should lean towards.
My comfort zone is not inside the walls of this country. My comfort zone doesn't stop at someone who can only speak English. I don't feel distain for those that are trying to run away from the various hardships that they are faced with on a daily basis. I don't look at myself as better than them, because I was born here and they were born into poverty. I don't want to spew hate towards those that believe differently than I do. Towards those that come from a different culture, a different religion. I would choose anyone of them to be my neighbor, even if it meant that none of my friends or family agreed with me, or chose to visit me.
So, as I ponder where my heart is being led, and what that could mean for my future. I stop and pray everyday that we, no really that I never lose sight of who God has called me to be. My voice isn't really heard very much, but I am going to keep speaking it. I am going to continue to be a voice for those that are being treated with hate and discrimination. I don't think laws should be broken, but you know what? I also don't think people anywhere in the world should be forced to live in conditions that are causing them to die, or get murdered.
I won't walk around blindly, just because someone spews a few Bible verses here are there. Actions speak louder than words, and I for one would prefer that my actions, my words, and my beliefs all match.
So.... I get ready for the next steps in my journey. I get ready to stand up more, speak out more, and love a whole lot more. I get ready to put aside my bias, and try to do what I can to make this world, this country a better place for everyone.
My hope and comfort is that nothing is impossible for Him.... nothing.
Until I had the realization that maybe my journey needs to be somewhere else. It isn't anything against where I am currently attending, volunteering and majorly involved. I think that my heart is just being moved. For me I need to be in a place where people are standing up for kids that are being torn away from their parents. For me I need to be in a place that is going to take a stand against hate. Take a strong stand against injustice. You see I don't need all the information to know that what is happening isn't right. I don't need to know all the laws, and all the ins and outs. I just need to know that kids are being taken from their parents, for seeking asylum. For seeking refuge. I just need to know that love isn't winning in order for me to stand up for what I believe to be right. What I believe to be the way of love, grace, and mercy.
I will never be a typical American. Living overseas for 5 years changed me. It changed my heart, it changed the way that I view the world, and it gave me a new perspective. It changed my loyalty. I became loyal to Christ first, before any country, flag, or anthem. I became loyal to loving people, all people instead of only seeing the needs in my own country. I would never choose the life of an American over someone from another country, just because they are American. It's not how He has created me to be. That character trait alone, will cause some people to hate me, and I am okay with that. It could even put my life in danger, and I am okay with that. Because when I get to where I am going next, I don't want to say.... well I thought that you created Americans better. Nope, I want to say... I loved everyone just as you would have. I treated everyone with the same compassion, love, and grace that you would have. I put my loyalty in you, my faith in you, and trusted that you were where my heart should lean towards.
My comfort zone is not inside the walls of this country. My comfort zone doesn't stop at someone who can only speak English. I don't feel distain for those that are trying to run away from the various hardships that they are faced with on a daily basis. I don't look at myself as better than them, because I was born here and they were born into poverty. I don't want to spew hate towards those that believe differently than I do. Towards those that come from a different culture, a different religion. I would choose anyone of them to be my neighbor, even if it meant that none of my friends or family agreed with me, or chose to visit me.
So, as I ponder where my heart is being led, and what that could mean for my future. I stop and pray everyday that we, no really that I never lose sight of who God has called me to be. My voice isn't really heard very much, but I am going to keep speaking it. I am going to continue to be a voice for those that are being treated with hate and discrimination. I don't think laws should be broken, but you know what? I also don't think people anywhere in the world should be forced to live in conditions that are causing them to die, or get murdered.
I won't walk around blindly, just because someone spews a few Bible verses here are there. Actions speak louder than words, and I for one would prefer that my actions, my words, and my beliefs all match.
So.... I get ready for the next steps in my journey. I get ready to stand up more, speak out more, and love a whole lot more. I get ready to put aside my bias, and try to do what I can to make this world, this country a better place for everyone.
My hope and comfort is that nothing is impossible for Him.... nothing.
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