Monday, November 23, 2020

2020... not the worst

 We all know that 2020 hasn't exactly been the year that we imagined  back in December 2019 when we were making all those lists and imagining all that would come out of this year.  But as I sit here and think about all that 2020 hasn't been... I really am pretty thankful for all that 2020 has been.  

I've learned who my real friends are.  I don't have a lot of them, and they are each different in their own way... but I have learned who is there for me.  This year has allowed me to draw closer to my family like never before and rely on them.  I have learned that those that make the effort, aren't always doing it for the best motives.  I have also learned that those that don't make the effort, still might be worth it, but you just have to be careful.  

This year has brought a lot of changes with my job, the biggest being working from home.  Honestly I have enjoyed working from home.  Sure it has its moments, but honestly I'm thankful.  Because of working from home I was able to get a dog, and move.  Two things which have proved to be really great. 

I have had more Saturday's free then I thought I was going to.  I have been able to go camping/hiking a lot more, and that is something that truly does help me feel happier.  

I've been able to become stronger in 2020.  Things that would have broken me a couple years ago, haven't had that affect on me this year.  They have still affected me, and I still have had moments of being sad, and not understanding why people don't love the same way I do.  But I'm thankful that each year that goes by I get better at letting things go that need to be taken on.  

So as I think about 2020.  I don't think it was this awful year.  I think that it was a defining year.  It was the year that I finally let something go that I have been hoping for.  Something that has consumed me, but I know it will never be, and maybe it was never meant to be and I just read everything wrong.  But as I pass into the next year, I'm leaving it behind.  I'm letting it go, as much as it hurts me to.  This year helped me know that I am okay just as I am.  I am someone that people should welcome into their life, and try to keep me.  If they don't then we were just meant to be for a little while, not forever.  

So here's to another month of being defined... and looking to the good.  I hope 2021 brings a few specific things... but if it doesn't.... I'm sure that I will learn something.  And that's what counts!   

Where I am with Dating, and the prospect that I will one day have a husband

 A couple months ago I was connected with a man that I immediately found myself liking.  He was cute, he had a great sense of humor, had faith in God, he was a pursuer, and he liked me as more then a friend or someone just to mess around with (or so I thought).    These five things never seem to all be in one package.  Either I get one, a couple... or none!  But rarely do I ever meet someone that has them all.  

I was immediately impressed, and due to being impressed I think I overlooked red flags that I normally would have seen as a huge sign.  So I let him in.  I talked about my family, I let him get to know me.  I dreamed about things that I haven't let myself dream about for awhile.  And they were things that I actually thought... "Oh this could really happen!" " This might be it!"  

And he pursued me... at least that is what I thought he was doing.  He drove to me (this one is a big shock, very rare!) he genuinely seemed to enjoy my company.  He texted me in the morning when he got up, and in the evening before he went to bed.  He talked about future plans.  

And then.... crickets!  Absolutely he just stopped talking to me, stopped making the effort.  Without any kind of warning or reason behind it at all.  A few years ago this would have wrecked me.  I would have worried over it, fretted about what I did wrong (and don't worry I still had some of those moments).  But a few years ago, I would have went into this deep depression because I wasn't good enough for him to even be honest with me.  

But I didn't  do that.  Instead I let a week go by, and then I messaged him, and told him that he could have at least told me he wasn't interested instead of just ghosting me.  

He sent a very rude GIF back... and that's the end of that.  

But it really isn't, because this is not the first time this has happened.  It's the first time in awhile that is happened with someone that I actually saw myself with longterm.  It's the first time that I let my guard down a little more quickly then I normally do.  It's the first time in a long time that I really had hope that there were still good guys out there.... 

Then BAM!  The door closes and I am standing behind it wondering how the heck I opened it so quickly in the first place.  

I'm okay that it didn't work out, because that is not the guy for me.  I'm okay if there is never a guy for me, although I want there to be.  I want to be married to a man that is my best friend.  That I can be as sarcastic as possible with and he doesn't run away.  I want to be married to a man that sees through all the defenses that I put up, that sees my insecurities and instead of making me more insecure... he makes me less.  I want all of that... and so if this guy wasn't going to be that then I am glad that I didn't waste my time.  

But it frustrates me, makes me angry, and hurts me that this is the dating world.  In his mind he owed me nothing.  And maybe he didn't... maybe I expected too much from this guy that I had only known for a short amount of time.  But I am worth being pursued. I am worth someone taking the time to break down every wall I have built.  I am worth someone wanting me for all that I am... the crazy side, the compassionate side, the side that feels WAY too much, and the side that makes stupid jokes when someone is trying to compliment me.  And so many more sides....  

That's not the case though... because we have made dating something that is just this awful experience.  And no one knows how to make a commitment and stick with it.  Like how to just date one person at a time, and not already have the next person lined up, before you have even made it through the first date with the girl you are with.  I'm guilty of it too, and I don't like it.  

So... I am giving up on dating.  I have said this a billion times, but I'm done.  I don't know how I am going to meet my future husband, or even if I will.  But it's going to have to be without a dating app.  Because I just can't open up to these men that don't really want to get to know me, they just want something else.  I'm done with trying to be this version of who they want me to be... only to discover that I look better on "paper" then I do after they have spent more time with me.  

So... give it up... the idea that this guy is out there that might want to be in my life forever, as more then just a friend...  because maybe it isn't meant to be for me.  Maybe I am meant to just live life on my own.  And that will have to be okay.  

Blogging through 2020

 I haven't posted a blog in awhile.  I was supposed to be blogging once a week since my birthday, which was at the end of August.  But I find myself in a place where I just can't seem to write.  I'm not sure the reason.  Maybe because work has been crazy busy.  Maybe because I can't find myself excited about much right now with the current state of the world, and especially our nation.  Or maybe I just lack motivation.  

I'm going to try to blog once a week  for the rest of 2020.  Because I do enjoy it, even if no one  reads it!  It's also a place for me to put down words that I can look back on later on.  

So....  here's to making a genuine  effort to blog once a week for the rest of 2020!  

Sunday, October 4, 2020

True Friendships....

 Sometimes the people that we think are our real friends, are the ones that are really just using us.  And then those that we thought were just going to be there till they found someone better are the ones that end up being the best ones to keep around.  They end up being the ones that we can be honest with.  The ones we can send chats to after too much wine, and they don't hold it against us.  The ones that can tell us that we are being dramatic, and the ones that push us to be the best version of ourselves.  

I don't have too many real friends.  The kind of friends that still call me on the phone.  The kind of friends that make the effort to make plans or invite me over.  Those are few and far between these days.  But I am thankful for the few that I have.  I am thankful because they show me love that never ends.  They accept me on the days when I have nothing in me but insecurities.  They accept me on the days when I am grumpy and can't seem to get over it.  They accept me on the days when I don't want to help anyone, on the days when I just want to be selfish, and look inside instead of out.  They accept me and love me for just being who I am.  

Someone came back into my life around this time last year.  Someone that I had pretty much written off as ever being my friend again, just because of circumstances, around both of our lives.  This person has shown me friendship.  It's not always how I want it to be, but it is always how I need it to be.  This person continues to love me, even when I mess up.  Even when I call them out on their bullshit.  This person sees the worst of me, and still wants me in  their life.  I will never know why God gave us a second chance at being close friends, but I am ever so thankful that he did.  

Friendships don't always look how we think or want them to.  Some friendships are for the everyday.  But a lot of them breathe in and out again.  They are there for a little while, and then they go silent to rest and strengthen in the silence.  

Sometimes I look at it, like I look at my relationship with God.  I don't always feel like God is close to me.  Sometimes He feels very quiet and very far away.  But He never stops loving me.  He never stops caring for me.  He never stops working, and moving my heart closer to His.  

So maybe your friendships don't look the way you think they should.  Maybe you have lost a lot of people that you thought were going to be the forever kind of friends.  Just know that if you have at least one person who you can count on to tell you truth, and call you every now and then... I think that is enough.  

It may not feel like it sometimes... but it is!  

Garage Sales.... why I love and hate them.

 I was fortunate enough this past weekend to be able to put some stuff in a garage sale at a friend's house.  I made some money, and in the process learned some things.  No matter how low you put the price on your stuff, people always want to pay you less then the actual value of it.  Garage Sales are no fun, and the rain makes it worse.  People will come out in the rain for a good bargain.  

Let's go back to this learning experience about the pricing.  I am a pretty honest person.  I feel like even though I have spent time overseas, and bargaining is the way that you get things in most shops... I have never liked it.  Ever.  Because I don't want to put a value on something that you have.  Right?  It's like just wrong to me.  I don't enjoy going back and forth trying to determine what something is really worth.  People's livelihoods are riding on what we pay sometimes.  I mean I bought groceries with the money I made this weekend.  I was able to buy real food and I am so thankful for that!  

I think that is why garage sales just make me crazy.  Things that I put $2 on, people only want to pay a $1 for.  They automatically assume that I am just trying to get rid of it, and so they can just name a price and I am going to be willing to go with that price.  But I mean shouldn't we be willing to help someone out.  Why is this a part of garage sale culture?  Why?  I hate it.  

I feel like we do this a lot with people.  Someone tells you or shows you that they need to be valued in one way.  That they need to be loved in this one way.  And then you come in and say... oh but can't I just do this... and that should be enough?  

But it's not.  Why is it that we are always trying to get the better of others?  Why is it that we can't just say okay... you want me to show you love in this way?  No problem!  I will do that.  

That's just what I got out of the experience.  I am going to try my best to show love to people how they need me to.  

And I will probably never ask for a different price then what you put on your items if I buy something from you at a garage sale!  Ha!  


 Last weekend I spent the weekend moving my stuff back to CoMo into the house that I will be living in.  When I left to move to JC it really was because I was looking for a way out of the current living situation I had found myself in, and a mutual friend knew that someone was moving back to the area that needed a roommate.  So I moved to JC, with high hopes of finding the community that I longed for.  High hopes of finding a place where I fit in, and could be surrounded by people that wanted the best for me.  

I switched locations for my job, and my job title.  I thought I was walking into a welcoming environment... but what I found was a very toxic one.  So not even 6 months after I moved to JC I was looking for a new job.  And I found one....  well I actually found 2, but I chose the one that would provide me with insurance and sick leave.  So here I am almost 2 years later still at that job, but not in JC.  

I thought this move would be super easy.  I thought that I was ready... but the many drives back and forth from JC to CoMo proved to bring many tears, and cries out to God.  Because even though I am super excited and thankful for this move... I still can't help but mourn for the things that aren't.  

Because I thought by now I would be sharing my life with someone.  I thought by now I would be financially stable enough to afford my own place.  I thought by now I would have some sort of idea of what my life is going to look like in the next 5-10 years.  But none of that is true.  

So...  the joy that I should have felt during those drives was filled with anxiety, and a little sadness.  

Even in the midst of joyful things.... it is okay to mourn the things that aren't what we thought they would be.  

So for me... moving.... I'm so glad that I did it, and I am so happy to be back in CoMo again... but I also know that I am in the process of once again letting go of what I thought life would be like... and embracing what it actually is.  

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Almost 40, a puppy, and a pandemic...

 I turned 39 over a week ago.  It was a great weekend full of hiking, camping, friends/family, my puppy, and LOTS of BUG BITES!  

I hate bug bites.  I hate them with a passion, and my skin looks awful right now.  But you know what bug bites remind me of?  They remind me that there is healing.  That healing doesn't always take just a few quick moments, but can sometimes take longer then expected.  This birthday was the 3rd birthday that I have had since the birthday that pretty much made me wish to never have a birthday again.  

But as I reflect and think upon how quickly life can change.  I am so very thankful for what I have been through.  I've learned that the people worth keeping... well those people see your faults and love you anyways.  They are there for you even if you don't have an ounce of self-worth.  They see the you that is deep inside the walls that you have build and they love you to the core of who you are.  

I have learned that I am sometimes a very poor judge of character.  I believe what people say most of the time.  So when someone tells me that they love me, or that they like me for who I am.  Well.. I tend to believe them.  But I am learning that people don't always tell the truth.  You would think I would have learned that a long time  ago.  But honestly... I really truly want to believe what people say.  Unfortunately this world is full of people that just want to use you when they are lonely, or can get something out of you.  

So in this next year.. I want to do what I can to be the best version of me.  I wish I was celebrating this next year with someone by my side.  But that is not where my story is.  I don't know what the future holds, but I sure am thankful for exactly where I am right now.  

I'm okay going camping and hiking by myself.  I have a new puppy, and he has proven to be one of the best companions I have ever had.  I'm thankful that he's in my life, and is going to help me  welcome my 40's.  

If I'm honest there's someone in my life that I wish it would have turned into something else.  But it hasn't... and you know what?  That is okay.  Because I'm not desperate.  I want someone that wants to be with me because they love all of me... not just because the other person didn't work out for them.  

I turned 39 in the midst of a pandemic.  But you know what?  There is so much on the horizon that I can't help but feel thankful for what is going to happen  in the future.  So..  I'm trying to blog once a week...  here's my first one... we will see how this goes!