Sunday, December 2, 2018

My thoughts for the past monthish

Wow!  The last blog post is from October!  I guess I have been busy or something!  Ha!  I am going to try not to ramble in this one, but I have some definite thoughts that have been going through my mind throughout this past month. 

I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me.  For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick.  There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think.  So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year. 

Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well.  Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day.  You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping.  I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong.  Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener.  I don't mind listening,  in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking.  But sometimes it is too much.  Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen.  Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is. 

I am not a dweller.  I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on.  Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry.  So, I choose to keep going forward. 

I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt.  But those things don't define me.  They could easily define me.  I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me.  I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child.  I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them.  Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things.  I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying. 

The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world.  It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place.  I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have.  Last year I was feeling quite lonely.  So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town.  It was late nights, and  sometimes I didn't feel like going.  You know what?  It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose.  I wasn't so lonely. 

This year I am in a much better place.  I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends.  I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them.  But they don't always reach out to me!  In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it.  But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part.  So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did. 

I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people.  But I also want to be focused on what is important.  Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others.  I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right?  He brings me back to himself over and over again. 

So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that.  My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me. 

I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season.... 

Days 1 and 2 coming soon! 

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