I'm at one of those crossroads that I often have where I am second guessing myself, my worth, and everything I've ever done with my life. A Master's degree and I am working a job that doesn't even require a degree. Sometimes it gets the best of me, the past two weeks have been one of those sometimes. I have been feeling just so down on where I am at. What I'm doing, and who I am impacting.
Here's the thing..... I know that my passion, what gets my heart going is not the work I am in right now. My passion is teaching, kids, and being around them. My passion is helping them to understand who they are, and what they are meant to be. So, that makes me continue to question. It makes me wonder how I got to this point. How did I get so far in to a job that I am just willing to keep doing it because I need "a job."
What does it mean to sacrifice? What does it mean to let go of the toxic and just do what you need to do? I have never not known what the next step was. I have changed jobs a lot, yes. But every time I have decided to switch jobs or careers I have had the next step lined up and knew exactly when and where my next check was coming from. So, here I sit wondering if this time I need to just leap.
It's not what I expected. A few months ago I thought everything was lining up exactly the way I expected it to. Apartment check, job check. But the thing is that things don't always go as planned, right?
I mean, heck I definitely thought by 37 I would be married and have kids. So, do you press on in a place that is toxic and not allowing you to live life the way that you know you need to? Or do you get out.
I don't think that we were meant to be miserable. I think that there is definitely things in our life that allow our heart to connect to those around us. We have gifts and talents that we need to use. Yes, we are called to be His hands and feet, but we aren't called to let others completely destroy us.
So, here I am. I'm leaving tomorrow to go celebrate the life of my Uncle. It has been such a hard month. He isn't commenting on any political posts that I share. Everytime I share one, it breaks my heart a little more. I miss his presence. I miss his strength. But mostly my heart breaks for my cousins and their kids because they lost such a huge piece of their everyday life.
In this time of remembering I realize how lucky I am to even be able to go to a job. I'm lucky that I can walk on two feet and go pretty much anywhere that I want to go. Yet I continue to feel sorry for myself, put myself down, and seek fairness in a world that will never be fair.
I'm going to love this life, no matter what happens next. But I am also not going to just stay in a place that I don't feel wanted. I am not into toxic relationships, or work environments. So, I press on, knowing that this life, even if I don't expect it.... I will love it always!
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