Sunday, November 24, 2019

Building Each Other Up, so there's no Need for Competition or Jealousy

We all have insecurities.  Even the person amongst us that seems like they are the most confident person in the world.  We all compare ourselves to others.  We all fight to be liked, and to have people make time for us.  We have all lost people from our lives because we didn't mesh.  Or because we pushed them away.  Or maybe our lives were only meant for a season.  Regardless we have lost, and that loss has caused insecurities.  Because instead of looking at what we gained from a friendship/relationship we analyze (or at least I do!) what we did wrong.  We play it over and over again, and  think about if only's.  

The truth is that relationships/friendships take work and effort.  Why do we think that putting people down is the best way to go?  Why do we put ourselves in position where we are comparing.  Where we are thinking that someone else is better than us, and so it is our job then to point out all the weaknesses in that person.  Or maybe it causes problems in our current relationship because we are constantly comparing ourselves to the person that we think is the ultimate threat.  

But what if... instead of comparing ourselves we just loved our differences.  What if instead of getting jealous, we felt confident in the relationships/friendships that we have.  Wouldn't we be able to have better relationships/friendships?  

I read something yesterday from Rick Warren... it said, "Let love help you focus on the other person, and that will drive your fear out of the relationship."  

This to me is everything... because when I think about the friendships/relationships that I have really wanted to keep in my life.  The reason that they didn't work out, or didn't stay was because of my own insecurities.  If I am truly focusing on the other person in love, then my doubts and fears of things not working out, or them leaving me... or me pushing them away will disappear.  It is my job to realize that comparing myself to others only harms my current relationships/friendships.  Love overcomes all.  But not love just from myself.  Love that comes from my faith in a God that is bigger than I am.  

I read an article this week about friendship, and how friendship isn't something that we deserve it is something that we give.  This article was talking about how friendship is a relationship that we form... where we let go of expectations and give a lot of forgiveness.  How true is that?  In order for a friendship/relationship to work... we have to see other people's faults, and love them anyways.  It's a choice.  Instead of expecting someone to act a certain way we give to them anyways.  Stepping out of what makes us comfortable and knowing that there is a chance that they might reject our friendship... or they might just reject us.  

I find this even in the online dating world.  Oh how that world stinks!  It is really the worst.  But the thing is that you have to take a risk.  Right?  You have to know that in connecting with someone else, there is a chance that it is not going to work out.  There is a chance that you might get hurt.  There is a chance that the other person is going to do something at some point that you are going to need to forgive them for.  

So... for me I want to be in friendships that allow me to give of myself.  The kind of friendships that I am confident in.  The ones that I know I will always have those people in my life, because we have committed to loving each other through all the mistakes.  We know that we are there for each other.  It is going to be messy, and I am not always going to say or do the right things.  Emotions could be high at times, and they could be low at others.  But at the end of the day, the risk of fighting for that friendship/relationship will be worth it every single time.  

It is a true genuine love for that other person.  A love that doesn't have room for competition or comparing.  A love that moves me beyond what I see on the outside, and allows me to break down the walls, to get into what holds that person together.  

I am so thankful for the friendships I am cultivating right now.  So very thankful that even though there might be days where I feel like I am not enough... I find that in the messy struggle I am exactly who I need to be for my friends... as they are for me!  

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Marriage and Love... the real talk

I don't think if you would have asked me a couple months ago if I would be back on dating apps I would have said yes.  I was pretty set against them, and I was also pretty resigned to the fact that I would never find anyone that wanted me long-term in their life.  I don't even know that I knew that was the reason for going after men that I would never see myself with long-term... but the past few weeks have made me realize that I have sabotaged quite a few potentially good relationships because I thought I wasn't enough.  Now don't get me wrong... I truly believe that I have been single this long for a reason.  But I am not sure if it because of the person I am waiting on, or if it because of me.  I know I am not perfect, but no one is.  Also, I know that if two people love each other, no matter what obstacles there are... they can make it work.  I just don't know that we should all be going around trying to make things work that we know for sure won't work... does that even make sense?

Also... let me just say this... dating is stupid.  Dating apps are stupid, and they make me want to pull my freaking hair out!  That's why I have been on a hiatus for awhile.  Even now I wish that dating apps were more like find a friend first kind of app.  But unfortunately we are not in that day and age, and also we are a instant society.  We want to make friends instantly, we want to find our "soul mate" instantly, we want to know who we are meant to be with instantly.  We don't want things to take time.
What I have learned in the past few months, is that everything good takes time.  It has taken me awhile to be where I am ready to open up to someone.  It has also taken me a long time to get to where I am okay with who I am, and honestly I still have my moments.  But here's the thing.... I'm a kind, considerate, doing anything for you kind of woman.  I might not be the most gorgeous woman in the room, but I'm not ugly.  I'm working hard to get to where I want to be and honestly if that is what turns someone off, then I probably didn't want them long-term in my life anyways.

Our society idolizes marriage.  We want to be able to just instantly meet that person, and let the magic take over.  Unfortunately love doesn't work like it does in the hallmark movies.  I hope and pray that person enters my life soon!  But I also am okay if that person enters my life as a friend first.  I would rather have a friendship at the base of any romantic relationship than something that can't withstand my worst days!

I want to be married.  But at the end of the day, I want loyal friends more.  I want people in my life that will be there for me, that I can be there for.  I want people that will push me everyday to be better than I was the day before!  I hope one of them will become my husband one day... but for now I am okay with the right people pushing me on to love more.