I always have thought it was cheesy when someone was like, "I married my best friend." I have also never been the romantic type. I won't really be the girl that swoons over someone, and is super clingy. It's just not me, unless maybe I have had a couple of drinks in me, and then you will most likely get clingy, me. I don't think this makes me weird, or on the verge of never finding love. What it does make me is cautious, but in the past I don't think I haven't been cautious enough. Something happened about a week ago that made me realize just what I have almost given up. In my searching and yearning, I was willing to settle for someone who just liked me, not adored me. I was willing to to put up with name calling, being belittled, and taken advantage of in the hopes of an everlasting future. I was willing to just go with whoever because I didn't feel like I was worthy, and it seemed too hard to let someone past the walls.
Then in talking with friends, and praying I just realized that I don't want just anyone. I want someone that tries hard to break down my walls. I want someone that reaches out, and comforts me when I am feeling awful. I want someone that is there for me no matter what kind of mood I am in. I want someone who will call me on my bullshit, and not be afraid to tell me exactly what they think. I want someone to do life with that loves people. Not someone who is just out for themselves, but someone that is deeply rooted in loving others. I want someone that will keep trying to tear down the walls, no matter how many times I build them back up, or what I do to push them away. I want someone that pushes my buttons, and makes me laugh. I want someone who loves Jesus, and doesn't see organized religion as a flaky, awful thing. I want someone that pursues me the way God pursues me, holy and purely focused on His relationship with God first. I want someone that will reassure me a million times that I am enough, even when it might be annoying that I have to keep asking. So in essence I want someone who is my best friend. Maybe I am kind of romantically cheesy after all?
The dating world of 30 and 40 somethings doesn't really give way to finding a best friend. Most of the dating sites, and even dates that I have been on, are ones in which relationships have to start quickly and there isn't time for getting to know each other in group settings, or without all the craziness of just being in a relationship for one thing. We all have baggage, we all have triggers, and I think that I am beginning to realize that the kind of relationship I want and God has called me to doesn't fit inside this nice little box that I once thought it did. It isn't about this instant connection, and hurriedness that I feel like I have put on myself in the past. It isn't about trying to know in a certain time frame if this is the right thing. It is about relying on God, knowing that He's got the best for me, and that in His timing everything will perfectly fall into place.
There are many days when I want to lose hope, because I think that I can't even come close to finding someone that fits all that I want in a best friend. But God as He often does has spent the last few months reminding me that there is nothing outside of His grasp. If my focus is on Him, and my hope doesn't falter, He will give me exactly what I need, when the timing is His not mine. As I continue to allow my walls to be broken, I let go of little pieces of brokenness that have been cemented in those walls for far too long. One day, God is going to provide me with a best friend, and it is going to be someone that has come alongside me, encouraged me, and loved me as Christ does first. It is going to be someone that searches God to find me. I don't doubt this. Even on the toughest days, I know that God's plans are bigger than mine, and if anyone can help others to break down these stupid walls, He can!