One week from today I will be at a Packers-Chiefs game ringing in the beginning of my 38th year. Three years away from the BIG 40! Yikes! It seems crazy to think about how quickly life has flown by. I will be celebrating my 20th year out of high school next June! WHAT?
I used to think people were crazy when they said that they didn't feel old. Now I completely understand. Despite the occasional achy joint, I don't feel like I am about to turn 40.
I have thought a lot in the past few weeks about life, and what I want the next half of my life to look like. I mean I would like to live till I'm 80, but the chances of that happening are pretty slim. Just due to genetics, quality of life, and the fact that I put myself in crazy situations quite often! Ha!
The truth is that I have learned so much in the past 37 years, I have experienced so much, and I don't regret any of it! I wish that things could be different in some ways, but I I'm also thankful for the experiences that have made me stronger....
I love lists and so I am creating two lists in honor of my 38th birthday....
My 37 most life changing events, and 37 things that I have been learning....
37 Life Changing Events/Memories (in random order)
#1 My birth (ha!)
#2 The day I decided to follow Jesus
#3 Playing in our stock tank pool in our backyard in Mexico, MO
#4 Growing up with my two sisters, there are so many memories, I can't even describe them all
#5 The day I was baptized
#6 Deciding to take the job at Rawhide Ranch
#7 Stepping off the plane and onto California soil for the first time
#8 My first crush
#9 The first time a boy told me he liked me and meant it (if only I had known then, what I know now!)
#10 My first kiss
#11 The first time I got rejected because I wasn't pretty enough
#12 Moving into Pulliam dorm at HLG (now HLGU)
#13 Summers at the pool in our neighborhood
#14 Spending time with cousins at Grandpa and Grandma's
#15 Driving to/from Michigan
#16 Deer Season (I still claim it was a holiday for our family, ha!)
#17 Hearing a missionary speak at camp for the first time
#18 Swimming in a pond for the first time
#19 Summers at Rawhide
#20 Getting my Master's degree
#21 My first roadtrip to Colorado
#22 Moving to Egypt
#23 The first time I felt threatened because of the color of my hair and skin
#24 Riding a camel up "Mt. Sinai."
#25 Snorkeling in the Red Sea
#26 Seeing the Pyramids, and going inside them
#27 Seeing an Elephant walk down the street only 30 minutes after landing in Bangkok
#28 Teaching in Bangkok
#29 Visiting the Civil Rights Museum
#30 Going to The Crossing
#31 Learning Thai
#32 Living in Kuwait
#33 Seeing 12 year olds being used to earn money for their family through prostiution
#34 Moving back to the states
#35 Teaching at a private school
#37 Touring Anne Frank's House
37 Things I've Been Learning (random order)
#1 Not everyone is going to like me (I keep re-learning this over and over!)
#2 God is bigger than my greatest fear.
#3 God's design for me is to love and show that love to the world.
#4 People don't always make us feel loved
#5 We are all just trying to make a difference in this world
#6 Friends aren't always there for our whole lives, some of them just need to be around for seasons
#7 It is okay to say no
#8 It is okay to cancel plans
#9 It is okay to not be perfect
#10 Loving people is the best way to give my life worth
#11 It's okay to have a sensitive empathetic heart
#12 Sometimes it isn't about being right or wrong, it is about listening
#13 Life is made up of small moments, that make a huge impact
#14 Sometimes you have to keep giving, even though you are getting nothing back in return
#15 People need handmade cards with quotes on them, it helps them feel encouraged
#16 Prayer works
#17 Perfection is not something that will ever be easily attained
#18 Hiking is sometimes the only way that I can have a quiet place to talk to God
#19 I will never be what everyone wants me to be
#20 Sometimes it is okay to just do what I want, even if that means doing it alone
#21 My worth is not determined by the number of FB likes I get
#22 Solitude is worth a lot, taking time away in quiet needs to happen more
#23 God doesn't put people in my life by accident
#24 Some people are just meant to teach us something
#25 I need to put more time and effort into memories and people, not things
#26 Toxic people don't have to be a part of my life
#27 Boundaries are meant to help us grow and protect us
#28 It's okay to let someone go
#29 Time spent hearing other's stories is never a waste of time
#30 The more we understand about each other, the more we are going to be able to accomplish
#31 Not every Republican is racist, and not every Democrat agrees with abortion
#32 It is okay to sometimes say nothing at all
#33 Just because I have never been married and don't have kids, doesn't mean I am a failure at life
#34 There is evil in this world
#36 I was made for adventure
#37 My life is only lived well because I let love overflow out of me
I can't believe I am going to be 37!!!!
Thursday, August 23, 2018
My Year of Less
A couple months ago a friend told me about the book by Cait Flanders, The Year of Less.
I read it and was amazed. I was amazed by this woman's ability to take a year and not spend. Because for me spending is really a way of coping with things that I can't deal with. I am an impulse buyer. I buy things when I want to feel better. I often buy things that I already have 5 of, and don't really need. Moving twice in the past year has made me realize that I have way too much stuff. I fill my walls with things instead of memories sometimes. I put worth in the things that I have. I allow those things to be what comforts me, what gives me worth. I spend way too much money on things that are essentially meaningless.
So... I have decided that starting September 1st, I am going to take a year off of impulse buying. There are going to be ground rules for myself, and I am going to think through those as I read through the book again this week.
It is going to be a tough year. It is going to take a lot of discipline on my part, a lot of self-restraint. I know that I might fail in some moments, but no matter what I know that this year is going to change me.
Some of the things I am planning on in the next year.
Making a list of things that I am allowed to buy such as toothpaste, TP, other such products.
Make a list of things that I am not going to be purchasing at all. Such as craft supplies, books, etc.
Make a list of things that I will purchase if I throw out the old one that I have. For example t-shirts, shoes, make-up.
I am not sure what this will evolve into, and if anyone reading this blog has done this... let me know how it went! I would love to hear about it!
Check back for updates throughout the year!
I read it and was amazed. I was amazed by this woman's ability to take a year and not spend. Because for me spending is really a way of coping with things that I can't deal with. I am an impulse buyer. I buy things when I want to feel better. I often buy things that I already have 5 of, and don't really need. Moving twice in the past year has made me realize that I have way too much stuff. I fill my walls with things instead of memories sometimes. I put worth in the things that I have. I allow those things to be what comforts me, what gives me worth. I spend way too much money on things that are essentially meaningless.
So... I have decided that starting September 1st, I am going to take a year off of impulse buying. There are going to be ground rules for myself, and I am going to think through those as I read through the book again this week.
It is going to be a tough year. It is going to take a lot of discipline on my part, a lot of self-restraint. I know that I might fail in some moments, but no matter what I know that this year is going to change me.
Some of the things I am planning on in the next year.
Making a list of things that I am allowed to buy such as toothpaste, TP, other such products.
Make a list of things that I am not going to be purchasing at all. Such as craft supplies, books, etc.
Make a list of things that I will purchase if I throw out the old one that I have. For example t-shirts, shoes, make-up.
I am not sure what this will evolve into, and if anyone reading this blog has done this... let me know how it went! I would love to hear about it!
Check back for updates throughout the year!
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Dating is stupid and other fun facts....
I hate dating right now. Actually I don't know that I ever enjoyed it, but it seems especially stupid right now. Here's the thing....I refuse to go on a date with someone just because they asked me to go. First of all, I am done with guys that claim to be the good guys. You know the type. They are nice, kind, offer to pay for dinner, and then they try to stick their tongues down your throat. What? Seriously.... I am not in the need of that kind of guy.
Here's the thing.... last year I was ready to just take anyone. I had pretty much determined that I wasn't worth someone being faithful, and choosing me. I didn't think I was good enough to be wanted by a decent man. A man that actually loved God and wanted to follow Him with their whole heart. So I gave in, quite a bit actually. I allowed myself to be used, and I didn't view myself the way I should have. The truth is that I didn't think good "Christian" guys would ever treat me that way. But they did. One right after the other. I'm sick of it. I am sick and tired of men on dating sights claiming to be men of integrity when they are only after one thing.
I'm done.
I refused to allow them to use me. I refuse to be someone that just gives in. So... yes I am going to hold any man that asks me on a date to a high standard. If you don't like that, then you know what.... you don't have to date me. Because here's the thing....I want a family one day, but not at the expense of my beliefs. I wont cease to believe the things I do, just to acquire a date.
I haven't always felt like this. Even last year at this time, I felt like I just had to take what I could get, but you know what? I'm done with that! There is a man that loves Jesus, and will pursue me out there somewhere. I have to believe that. A man who won't be scared by my wall, my independence, or my sarcasm. A man that will make me laugh. A man that will be able to see through my sarcasm and understand that behind the wall I have put up is someone that just wants to be loved. The right man will be able to break through all of those insecurities, because he will know exactly how to love with a love that doesn't come from him alone.
I look forward to that day, and pray that I don't have to spend more more time in this stupid world of dating! Ugh.
Here's the thing.... last year I was ready to just take anyone. I had pretty much determined that I wasn't worth someone being faithful, and choosing me. I didn't think I was good enough to be wanted by a decent man. A man that actually loved God and wanted to follow Him with their whole heart. So I gave in, quite a bit actually. I allowed myself to be used, and I didn't view myself the way I should have. The truth is that I didn't think good "Christian" guys would ever treat me that way. But they did. One right after the other. I'm sick of it. I am sick and tired of men on dating sights claiming to be men of integrity when they are only after one thing.
I'm done.
I refused to allow them to use me. I refuse to be someone that just gives in. So... yes I am going to hold any man that asks me on a date to a high standard. If you don't like that, then you know what.... you don't have to date me. Because here's the thing....I want a family one day, but not at the expense of my beliefs. I wont cease to believe the things I do, just to acquire a date.
I haven't always felt like this. Even last year at this time, I felt like I just had to take what I could get, but you know what? I'm done with that! There is a man that loves Jesus, and will pursue me out there somewhere. I have to believe that. A man who won't be scared by my wall, my independence, or my sarcasm. A man that will make me laugh. A man that will be able to see through my sarcasm and understand that behind the wall I have put up is someone that just wants to be loved. The right man will be able to break through all of those insecurities, because he will know exactly how to love with a love that doesn't come from him alone.
I look forward to that day, and pray that I don't have to spend more more time in this stupid world of dating! Ugh.
40 Before 40.... Update before my 37th birthday!
40 before 40 update....
I know you all have been dying to see this list again! Ha! But I have some things to add to it! :) I know, I know..... you can't wait! My latest updates are in Yellow!
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival Completed last Fall! :) Hope to get to another one soon!
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop! Could 2019 be the year? Hmmm...... Anyone want to go????
#3 Pay School Loans down Blah... I hate this one!
#4 Go Skydiving 2019.....
#5 Get a tattoo I have TWO tattoos now! Yippeee!!!! Love my elephant and owl! I really want another one!!!!!! I already have the next ones picked out! Ha! :) I really want another tattoo!
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California Maybe next summer (2019)
#7 See a show at the Fox. This needs to happen!
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting This is happening after I get my new apartment! Yippeee!
#9 Hike some of the PCT This is going to be the trip for my 40th birthday! Get ready!
#10 Get in the best shape of my life Blah... I'm sucking that this!
#11 Go skinnydipping I have high hopes for this one happening by next summer! ha!
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year (Yikes, I need to get on this one for this year!) Ummm.... I really need to start doing this...
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto I need to get on this!
#16 Go to a race track that has cars, not horses! I'm working on this one!
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities (I did well with this!!!) I am going to change this one.... Be open to new dating opportunities, but don't just take any of them, because some of them are CRAZY! I completed this... checking it off the list! I HATE dating!!!!!!
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip Not solo.... I need a friend or two....
#20 Read every book by C.S. Lewis Still at work!
#21 Learn to Knit (Still working on this, but I am a great loom knitter) Work in progress
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation (Ugh, not so great with this) Hmmm.....
#23 Read 100 books (Need to make my list) I have read a lot oFallf books, but I need to be writing them somewhere.
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes Fall Goal!
#26 Do one kind deed everyday of my life.
#27 Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year Happening! Love my Bible App!
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon Changing this #28 Drink MORE tea!!!!! Kombucha for the win!
#29 Run the Bolder Boulder 2019?????
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100 Yikes, I need a film buddy!
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended (Getting better with this) Rats, I suck at this!
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon 2019 for sure!
#33 Write a short story I have an outline of one!
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year (I didn't do this at all) I'm stinking at this!
#35 Pray everyday (More work needed with this)
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away (I will do this)
#39 Make something crafty and sell it (Yay! I did this! )
#40 Step out of my comfort zone at least once a day.
When People Aren't Who You Want Them To Be....
People really don't meet my expectations quite a bit, and yet I still haven't learned to not have expectations. It is one of those things that I think I will just always expect people to be better than they are. But the extent at which people are letting me down has been higher in the past couple months than I care to admit.
Here's the thing. I do not expect you to be everyone's best friend. In my opinion you are not even going to like everyone, but you if you claim to be who He is... then you must love them. Not just love with words. Like you say you love everyone, but then the next thing you are posting on FB is some meme about how all liberals are this or how all conservatives do this. No, I mean really love ALL people. No matter where they come from, what they have done, and what they might do in the future.
LOVE....
There are 2 specific people that I can think of right now that I am really having a hard time understanding. One of them is someone that is stepping away from her entire family because some members of her family aren't doing what she thinks is the "right" thing to do. Now... let me just say this.... I love this person, but I will probably not engage in conversation with her again unless I see with my own eyes that her heart is in a different place. Because here's the thing. We aren't called to judge those around us, and not associate with them because we think they are making the "wrong choice." We are called to be there for EVERYONE! No matter what kind of choices they make, no matter what they are doing with their lives. I seem to recall a certain teacher loving those that were the most hypocritical out of all of them. Those people that think they are better than the rest of us.... I have news for you.... you aren't. No one is.... and if you even took 5 minutes to examine yourself instead of putting yourself on a pedestal you would realize it too!
The other person that I am having a hard time with is someone that has completely stopped talking to her family, for reasons that even she probably doesn't know anymore. People have reached out to her, and she continues to ignore them. You know why? Because she holds grudges about things that happened in her childhood. What? Childhood people! Come on! Let it go! Also, guess what??? The people that want to be in her life had nothing to do with her childhood. It saddens me that this person is missing out on relationships with her family because she is too stubborn to let things go.
So... this is what I say. Nothing is worth kicking your family out of your life. Family is there through it all. They know your good parts, and your bad parts. They know how to push your buttons. But they also are going to be the only ones there when no one else is! Be thankful for your family.
Know that no one is going to be exactly who you need them to be. We all have things in our lives that happen that we wish wouldn't have happened, but we learn from it, grow from it, and move forward.
I hope that I can see people the way God does, without my human expectations!
Here's the thing. I do not expect you to be everyone's best friend. In my opinion you are not even going to like everyone, but you if you claim to be who He is... then you must love them. Not just love with words. Like you say you love everyone, but then the next thing you are posting on FB is some meme about how all liberals are this or how all conservatives do this. No, I mean really love ALL people. No matter where they come from, what they have done, and what they might do in the future.
LOVE....
There are 2 specific people that I can think of right now that I am really having a hard time understanding. One of them is someone that is stepping away from her entire family because some members of her family aren't doing what she thinks is the "right" thing to do. Now... let me just say this.... I love this person, but I will probably not engage in conversation with her again unless I see with my own eyes that her heart is in a different place. Because here's the thing. We aren't called to judge those around us, and not associate with them because we think they are making the "wrong choice." We are called to be there for EVERYONE! No matter what kind of choices they make, no matter what they are doing with their lives. I seem to recall a certain teacher loving those that were the most hypocritical out of all of them. Those people that think they are better than the rest of us.... I have news for you.... you aren't. No one is.... and if you even took 5 minutes to examine yourself instead of putting yourself on a pedestal you would realize it too!
The other person that I am having a hard time with is someone that has completely stopped talking to her family, for reasons that even she probably doesn't know anymore. People have reached out to her, and she continues to ignore them. You know why? Because she holds grudges about things that happened in her childhood. What? Childhood people! Come on! Let it go! Also, guess what??? The people that want to be in her life had nothing to do with her childhood. It saddens me that this person is missing out on relationships with her family because she is too stubborn to let things go.
So... this is what I say. Nothing is worth kicking your family out of your life. Family is there through it all. They know your good parts, and your bad parts. They know how to push your buttons. But they also are going to be the only ones there when no one else is! Be thankful for your family.
Know that no one is going to be exactly who you need them to be. We all have things in our lives that happen that we wish wouldn't have happened, but we learn from it, grow from it, and move forward.
I hope that I can see people the way God does, without my human expectations!
Where I am at... My Summer in a nutshell... kind of...
So, it has been over a month since I have written a blog post! AGGHHH! I don't know the last time I went this long without writing something. But it has been a crazy month. I moved to JC. I started a new job, took 2 trips out of the state, and my uncle passed away. Not to mention that with the start of anything new whether it is a job or a new apartment there are so many things you have to adjust to.
So here I am trying to adjust.
Here's the first thing I know. I love where I am at. I have been able to go to the pool SO much this summer, and it has been my little stress-free zone. It has brought me so much comfort, but also I realized how much a pool brings people together. It is a socializing place. I have gotten to know some of my neighbors because of the pool, and I am so thankful for that. I have been able to meet some pretty epic people, and I am super thankful for this summer.
I also have the best roommate. It is someone that I can be open and honest with. She even listened to me the other night when I was at the end of what I could handle. I wasn't doing well, and she was there. It was a nice change for sure. I feel safe in my apartment. I feel like I can be who I am, and that's important.
We need to feel safe, we need to feel like we have a home to go to.
Starting a new job is always tough. You don't know the culture, you can't trust anyone, and you wonder if you made the right decision.
Especially this past week I have been feeling this. I am constantly second guessing myself. Wondering what I am doing, I know I am doing a good job, but I just constantly am feeling like I am having to prove myself, and I hate that.
I am also trying to find a new church.....
it hasn't been fun. Mostly because I love The Crossing, even if I have been hurt by people that go there it is the one place that I felt like I was "home."
I went to Memphis! I got to go to the Civil Rights Museum. I got to see the wreath hanging outside on the balcony where a life was taken in hatred. And I wept. I wept so much. My heart breaks even now writing this, thinking of the things people have had to go through because of the color of their skin. The injustice that they have had to endure. It breaks me every single time.
Last weekend I went to Michigan to be with my aunt and cousins. 2 weeks ago today, my Uncle passed away. It is the hardest death I have ever had to deal with. I think most of it is because I don't understand it, but also because I just saw him, and I grew up seeing him regularly. All of my memories of my Dad's side involve him or my cousins. It is one of those moments in my life that I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I heard of his passing. I know he's in a better place, but it doesn't hurt any less. He was the best hunter (sorry Dad) that I knew. He gave generously, never really knowing a stranger (same as my Dad). My Uncle will be missed by so many, but especially by his family... my cousins and aunt. My heart breaks for them, and although I don't wish that to define my summer, in some ways it has.
So... that's kind of where I am at...
There will be a few more posts about some of this....
So here I am trying to adjust.
Here's the first thing I know. I love where I am at. I have been able to go to the pool SO much this summer, and it has been my little stress-free zone. It has brought me so much comfort, but also I realized how much a pool brings people together. It is a socializing place. I have gotten to know some of my neighbors because of the pool, and I am so thankful for that. I have been able to meet some pretty epic people, and I am super thankful for this summer.
I also have the best roommate. It is someone that I can be open and honest with. She even listened to me the other night when I was at the end of what I could handle. I wasn't doing well, and she was there. It was a nice change for sure. I feel safe in my apartment. I feel like I can be who I am, and that's important.
We need to feel safe, we need to feel like we have a home to go to.
Starting a new job is always tough. You don't know the culture, you can't trust anyone, and you wonder if you made the right decision.
Especially this past week I have been feeling this. I am constantly second guessing myself. Wondering what I am doing, I know I am doing a good job, but I just constantly am feeling like I am having to prove myself, and I hate that.
I am also trying to find a new church.....
it hasn't been fun. Mostly because I love The Crossing, even if I have been hurt by people that go there it is the one place that I felt like I was "home."
I went to Memphis! I got to go to the Civil Rights Museum. I got to see the wreath hanging outside on the balcony where a life was taken in hatred. And I wept. I wept so much. My heart breaks even now writing this, thinking of the things people have had to go through because of the color of their skin. The injustice that they have had to endure. It breaks me every single time.
Last weekend I went to Michigan to be with my aunt and cousins. 2 weeks ago today, my Uncle passed away. It is the hardest death I have ever had to deal with. I think most of it is because I don't understand it, but also because I just saw him, and I grew up seeing him regularly. All of my memories of my Dad's side involve him or my cousins. It is one of those moments in my life that I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I heard of his passing. I know he's in a better place, but it doesn't hurt any less. He was the best hunter (sorry Dad) that I knew. He gave generously, never really knowing a stranger (same as my Dad). My Uncle will be missed by so many, but especially by his family... my cousins and aunt. My heart breaks for them, and although I don't wish that to define my summer, in some ways it has.
So... that's kind of where I am at...
There will be a few more posts about some of this....
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