I would say that I have been on a solid journey of healing for about 3 years now. The past 3 years have been filled with a lot of loss. A lot of people that were once really important in my life, have walked away, or I have chosen to walk away from. I don't like loss. It is hard, it hurts, and it makes me feel like I am not enough. But loss has to happen. there are times when we have to say good-bye to people, jobs, even acquaintances that aren't impacting us in a positive way. There has been a lot of that for me.
Two years ago about this time actually I would begin one of the hardest journeys that I have ever taken. It was my last year of teaching. It was a journey that almost broke me. I had things said to me that no teacher or human being should ever have said. I let it change me. I let it impact my view of self, and I let it steer me away from teaching. It is interesting to me how God works and moves even in the midst of hurt and pain. There was a point where I didn't think that my life was worth living. There was a point in that journey where I felt like leaving the church, leaving my faith, and leaving this world. Thankfully I didn't. Thankfully I had good teammates, good friends, and good family that helped me.
It has taken me the past year and a half to see that some of what happened was not because of me. Some of what happened was because of other flawed humans. I am not a perfect teacher, but I am a good one. I love my students, I have high expectations for them, and I am worthy of being respected as that teacher. Last night I was thankful to come full circle in my realization that maybe what happened wasn't necessarily about me. Maybe it was actually not even supposed to happen like that, but because we are so self-focused, we don't always react the way we should. I am not a parent, and I don't know what it is like to see my kid as perfect, but I know plenty of parents that think their kids never do anything wrong. It is a sad world where we can't own up to what people tell us about our kids year after year. But you know what? That has nothing to do with me as a teacher. It has taken me 2 years to realize this, but I finally realize it. Even though it felt like a personal attack on me, the words that were said, and the actions that were taken against me, well they were more about that person than about me. So I sit here thinking about this. I also think about the parents that are the opposite. The ones that see only the things that are wrong with their kids. The ones that don't ever give a compliment, they just nag, nag, nag. For instance my friend told me about her friend that is a parent. Through the entire game that her child was playing, all the friend did was constantly scream at her child everything that she was doing wrong. If we are constantly pointing out the flaws and trying to control the kids in our lives, stopping them from making every wrong decision, is this really teaching them? Or just controlling them? Now, like I said I am not trying to be an expert at parenting. But I am an expert at someone that is hard enough on herself without needing to hear it every two seconds from everyone else. I honestly am a critique of myself without anyone else needing to be. I kind of think we all are. Especially in the social media age we live in. Where we only see the perfect pics. Kids have enough pressure, without us trying to control every decision they make, and aspect of their lives.
Okay, so where am I going with this? The past month has brought a lot of healing in my life. People that I lost touch with, people that I on purpose lost touch with coming back into my life. Things that were said or done to me, that others have apologized for. Through all of it, I realize that these last 3 years have been a journey of healing. I still allow others to sometimes speak into my worth, but not near as much as I did three years ago. I still struggle with singleness, but it is no longer the focus of what defines me. I still struggle with loss, but I understand that sometimes people have to leave in order for healing and growth to happen.
We don't always get to feel validated. Sometimes it never happens. Sometimes it takes a couple of years before we truly understand that the truths that other people see aren't necessarily the ones that God sees. Sometimes in the quiet of going about our days, we realize that we are being transformed. We realize that behind the hurt and pain there has been this beautiful bloom that has taken shape. We realize that God has this amazing way of letting the bad change us for good.
No comments:
Post a Comment