So.. here is the official list of books that I read in 2019... I didn't make 52... but I did read 40, which I think is still pretty great! :)
Not ranked at all.. just the order I read them!
I love the variety of books that I was able to read. I tried to do this post last night, but unfortunately the wine intake was greater than I thought... so I am adding a bit more about these books! Ha!
I am also a part of book of the month club, so some of these are those books! I love book of the month club!
#1 Becoming by Michelle Obama
I love her story, so much. She is one of those rare women that I think it is completely fine to open up our hearts to. She just makes me want to be a better person!
#2 White Awake by Daniel Hill Talk about eye opening! Awesome book, this book truly opened my eyes to how I view the world through white eyes.
#3 How Dare the Sun Rise by Sandra Uwiringiyinoria Wow! Amazing story! Seriously an amazing book. A story that needs to be read by everyone.
#4 One Day in December by Josie Silver (book club) This was one of my favorite cute little love stories!
#5 The Finnish Way by Katja Pantear I want to move to Finland! Seriously... The Finnish way is just so amazing. I need to get outside more! One of my 2020 goals!
#6 The Nine of Us by Jean Kennedy Smith Wow! Awesome look into their life! It always intrigues me to learn more about Presidential families.
#7 Daring Greatly by Brene Brown Awesome book! I love Brene Brown... she just gets to my soul. She helps me to find the strength inside to just live. To be who I am supposed to be.
#8 Sisters First by Jenna and Barbara They are the greatest! Another great look into a Presidential Family! So loved this book!
#9 Born Bright by C Nicole Mason One of the best stories. Please read this!
#10 Beloved by Toni Morrison This was my hardest read of the year. It was so good, but it definitely took me on a journey.
#11 A Long Walk to Water by Sue Park I always love stories that give me a perspective of a faraway place. It helps me to realize just how easy my lie is.
#12 The War I Finally Won by Bradley This was good, and it was a Kid's book, but I did love the story for sure.
#13 The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo She changed my life, and the stuff that I have in it. I am still working on tidying things up, but I have a good start in this new year!
#14 Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarity I love this author! Every book I have read of hers is good, and this one was no different.
#15 Unsaid by Neil Abramson This was an interesting read. It is not my usual genre, but it was good. I wouldn't read it again though.
#16 Live from Cairo by Ian Bassinthwaigthe I liked this book because it took me back to Egypt. I loved reading about places that I was familiar with, and it reminded me of my year I spent there.
#17 The Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines *** one of my favorites Can I please have a marriage like Chip and Joanna? They are just so great, and I love their story! #goals
#18 Summer of '69 by Eline Hilderbrand I loved this book and this author is one of my new favorites. I think a lot of the appeal for this is taking place on the east coast. Love those stories!
#19 Before She Knew Him by Peter Swanson This was a good book, one of those great mysteries!
#20 The Age of Light by Whitney Scharer (book club) A historical fiction book that I loved!
#21 Three Women by Lisa Taddeo Fabulous book! I would suggest everyone read it. I loved their stories, even though they were hard.
#22 Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis One of the funniest authors I have ever read. I love how real she is, and just how she touches the hearts of her readers.
#23 Golden Child by Claire Adam Great book- book club book.
#24 Well Met by Jen Deluca One of the funniest and best love stories that I read. It was hilarious!
#25 Beyond the Point by Claire Gibson LOVED this book so much. So often we don't hear about the women at West Point, but this is the story. Definitely worth the read. Plus it helped me know more about West Point and life there.
#26 Mrs. Everything by Jennifer Weiner She's one of the best! Loved this book.
#27 The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander A book that once again made me think and helped me to understand more about the world I am living in, and what role I have to help change it.
#28 The Little Book of Hygge by Meik Wiking I'm in love with Hygge! Goals: bring more of it into my life.
#29 Those Who Knew by Idna Novey Good, not my favorite.
#30 The Little Book of Lykke by Meik Wiking Yes, another great way of life to read about!
#31 Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore Another hilarious book! Love story! Loved it! (book club)
#32 My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsberg She is one of the best! Please read this book about her life..... I wish I could sit down and have coffee with her!
#33 Towelhead by Alicia Erian This was a weird book, but a story that needed to be told.
#34 The Fountains of Silence by Ruta Septeys This book was good, but hard to read.
#35 The Forgotten Girls by Owen Laukkanen Yes, a great book.
#36 Grandma Gatewood's Walk by Ben Montgomery Oh... this book made me want to pack up my stuff and head out to the trail. If only I didn't have bills to pay. One of my favorites of the year!
#37 Wild by Cheryl Strayed Always a favorite! I love her!
#38 An Anonymous Girl by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen Good book, interesting book.
#39 The Glittering Hour by Ionia Grey I loved this one! It was such a good/cute love story. (book club)
#40 Tracks by Robyn Davidson This book was good, but not what I expected. It made me want a camel!
Thankful for how each of these stories impacted me this year!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Sunday, December 29, 2019
2020 Transformation
I'm not sure what the next few days will bring, but I want to go ahead and get this written out while I am in the mood for writing. Also... the Packers are not doing great so I need something to help me not throw things at the TV.
Here we are on the cusp of a new year. I am overwhelmed with how this year is turning out compared to how it started. I am thankful and amazed by how much better I feel about things than I even did a few months ago. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves time to work through things. We just have to realize that prayers works. It may not always end the way we expect it to, but God truly does hear our prayers, and knows our hearts.
So... the year 2020 is going to be a year for Transformation. A year that I stop making excuses for the goals I have, and start putting things into action. I am really good at making plans and goals. I don't always follow through with them. So... here I sit.. knowing that about myself. I know that I would rather put things off, until I can't possibly put them off anymore. I know that. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. This year is going to be that kind of year. Not a completely self focused year, but I am truly going to do what I need to do for myself. I'm not going to conform to what others want me to be. It's amazing how when you surround yourself with people that genuinely like you and want to spend time with you, your perspective about yourself can change. I realize that I am not perfect, but I also realize that I'm a pretty damn good person to have in your life.
Part of this transformation means spending time getting rid of stuff. Not just physical material things, but stuff from the past that wants to continue to hold me down. I am done with that.... So I am going to work really hard this year to be in a good place. Hopefully that also means a relationship will happen, but we shall see about that...
Here's to more transformation in 2020:
*52 hikes in 52 weeks! This may not mean a hike a week, but I want to get 52 hikes in! I am hoping this will be all around the state, at all of the different state parks.
*52 books in 52 weeks! I had this goal this year, but didn't quite make it. My hope is to make it happen this next year!
*Walk at least 30 minutes a day.... this is going to be a lot, but I want to do it!
*Spend time in the morning first thing with God everyday. This means waking up 1/2 hour before my alarm! I am so bad at this... but I want to do it!
*Cut down on the amount of sugar I eat! (trying Whole 30)
*Finish Writing my book
*Start a Singles over 30 ministry/group
*When I'm with people, not being on my phone... unless it is a situation where I am not needing to give one-on-one attention
Whew! This is quite the list... but I'm ready! 2020... I'm waiting for you! #bestyearyet
Here we are on the cusp of a new year. I am overwhelmed with how this year is turning out compared to how it started. I am thankful and amazed by how much better I feel about things than I even did a few months ago. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves time to work through things. We just have to realize that prayers works. It may not always end the way we expect it to, but God truly does hear our prayers, and knows our hearts.
So... the year 2020 is going to be a year for Transformation. A year that I stop making excuses for the goals I have, and start putting things into action. I am really good at making plans and goals. I don't always follow through with them. So... here I sit.. knowing that about myself. I know that I would rather put things off, until I can't possibly put them off anymore. I know that. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. This year is going to be that kind of year. Not a completely self focused year, but I am truly going to do what I need to do for myself. I'm not going to conform to what others want me to be. It's amazing how when you surround yourself with people that genuinely like you and want to spend time with you, your perspective about yourself can change. I realize that I am not perfect, but I also realize that I'm a pretty damn good person to have in your life.
Part of this transformation means spending time getting rid of stuff. Not just physical material things, but stuff from the past that wants to continue to hold me down. I am done with that.... So I am going to work really hard this year to be in a good place. Hopefully that also means a relationship will happen, but we shall see about that...
Here's to more transformation in 2020:
*52 hikes in 52 weeks! This may not mean a hike a week, but I want to get 52 hikes in! I am hoping this will be all around the state, at all of the different state parks.
*52 books in 52 weeks! I had this goal this year, but didn't quite make it. My hope is to make it happen this next year!
*Walk at least 30 minutes a day.... this is going to be a lot, but I want to do it!
*Spend time in the morning first thing with God everyday. This means waking up 1/2 hour before my alarm! I am so bad at this... but I want to do it!
*Cut down on the amount of sugar I eat! (trying Whole 30)
*Finish Writing my book
*Start a Singles over 30 ministry/group
*When I'm with people, not being on my phone... unless it is a situation where I am not needing to give one-on-one attention
Whew! This is quite the list... but I'm ready! 2020... I'm waiting for you! #bestyearyet
Lessons from this Decade! 2010-2020
I started out this decade in Thailand! It's so crazy for me to think about that. So much of my adulthood has been spent overseas. I am now on the verge of having lived more of my post-college life in Missouri than overseas! And... that is a weird feeling. When I think about the Tawnya of 10 years ago versus the Tawnya of today...I can see just how far I have come in this decade. It's amazing to me all that I have experienced and learned. The people that I have met along the way, and what they have taught me. The love I have gained and lost. The way God has worked and moved to show me more and more of who He is.
So... here's a recap of my decade!
In 10 years I was able to go to these countries:
*Thailand
*Vietnam
*Singapore
*Malaysia
*The Philippines
*Kuwait
I learned that it's okay too quit sometimes.
I learned that not every friendship is for a lifetime.
I learned that sometimes a college education really doesn't matter.
I learned that there are friendships that will last a lifetime.
I've been able to see/go to these places, do these things:
*Rode Elephants
*Visited a Crocodile Farm
*Went to a Tiger Temple
*Tried Mangosteen, and it's by far my favorite fruit
*Took lots of road trips: Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kansas, California, Colorado, Kentucky, Tennessee
*Went to a floating market
*Visited Thai Palaces
*Took a mission trip to Northern Thailand with a Thai church
*Went to Koh Samet and saw the prettiest blue water I have ever seen
*Oragnized a middle school 3-day service project
*Went to Krabi/Phuket
*Lots of weddings for friends, and sisters, and cousins
*I was a nanny for the summer
*Serious relationships that obviously didn't last
*Lots of camping trips
*My first backpacking trip
*I was a children's minister
*made lifelong friends
*lost friends that I thought would be lifelong friends
*gained confidence in myself
*learned to have a voice
*Went to the Kentucky Derby- twice
*Been able to go to my first NFL game
*Tailgating for MU games
*Found a good church
*Volunteering with True/False
*Volunteering with Citizen Jane
*Volunteering with Roots N Blues
*Volunteering with Room at the Inn
So many different things happened in my life during this decade. I hope that this next one brings a couple things that didn't happen, as well as tons more adventures!
Here's to the next decade... may it be the best yet!
Lessons from 2019
Thinking about the year 2019....
What a year it was. I feel like it started out in this pretty good place, and then it just completely unraveled. But the thing is that it is ending pretty well. I have learned so much this year. About myself, about other people, and about my purpose in this world. I don't have everything figured out, but I sure do have a better grip on what I want in this life. I don't know what is in store for 2020, but I know that I have more faith in God right now, then I maybe ever have before. But I also know that my faith looks very different than it has in the past. So, here I sit... watching the Packers lose, and thinking about this year. Thinking about the memories that I hold, the great conversations that I have had, and the people that have pushed me and encouraged me along the way.
This year I had moments where I felt the most alone I ever have. It was awful, and I wasn't sure that I would make it out of those moments, but I did. I dusted myself off, got up and realized that sometimes you just have to get up and start going. That is sometimes the only way to move past the darkness. We aren't always going to have people around us. In this year I have learned that there will be a lot of people that leave. There will be a lot of people that just don't need to be there for all the days of my journey. They are only there for a little while.
I have also learned that I am a helper. What makes me happy is helping other people, and being there for them. It is sometimes my greatest weakness, as well as my greatest strength. To love others the way they need to be loved. To see them in their moments of heartache, and be able to step in and be there for them. I don't do it perfectly, but I sure do try. I used to think that there was something wrong with me, but this year has taught me that there isn't. I am exactly who I need to be. Sometimes it is too much for people. They don't agree with my philosophies on life, and they don't want anything to do with me. It might hurt for a little while, but honestly I have to come to realize that I am just not right for those people. We don't have to be friends with everyone, in fact we can't be. So... I have my people in my life, and I am going to choose to invest in them, and hopefully they invest in me. I lost a friend this year, that I would have never imagined losing. She was one of those people that comes across like she actually cares about others, but I have to wonder if it was all just a façade?
So I ponder and think about everything that came about in 2019.... and here is what I learned:
*Friendships are what we make of them. Sometimes we have to let friends go and it's not a reflection of who we are.
*God's timing is perfect, even if the wait is difficult.
*Always be open to people that come back into your life, it just might bring some of the best friendships.
*Everyone feels lonely sometimes, the best we can do is reach out to each other, and not be self-focused.
*My Enneagram is a 2! Loving, helpful, generous, and considerate! There is nothing wrong with being a 2!
*I am not single, because I am not enough.
*Being there for other people is my greatest gift.
*The best is yet to come!
All in all 2019 was a good year! Can't wait to see what 2020 holds!
What a year it was. I feel like it started out in this pretty good place, and then it just completely unraveled. But the thing is that it is ending pretty well. I have learned so much this year. About myself, about other people, and about my purpose in this world. I don't have everything figured out, but I sure do have a better grip on what I want in this life. I don't know what is in store for 2020, but I know that I have more faith in God right now, then I maybe ever have before. But I also know that my faith looks very different than it has in the past. So, here I sit... watching the Packers lose, and thinking about this year. Thinking about the memories that I hold, the great conversations that I have had, and the people that have pushed me and encouraged me along the way.
This year I had moments where I felt the most alone I ever have. It was awful, and I wasn't sure that I would make it out of those moments, but I did. I dusted myself off, got up and realized that sometimes you just have to get up and start going. That is sometimes the only way to move past the darkness. We aren't always going to have people around us. In this year I have learned that there will be a lot of people that leave. There will be a lot of people that just don't need to be there for all the days of my journey. They are only there for a little while.
I have also learned that I am a helper. What makes me happy is helping other people, and being there for them. It is sometimes my greatest weakness, as well as my greatest strength. To love others the way they need to be loved. To see them in their moments of heartache, and be able to step in and be there for them. I don't do it perfectly, but I sure do try. I used to think that there was something wrong with me, but this year has taught me that there isn't. I am exactly who I need to be. Sometimes it is too much for people. They don't agree with my philosophies on life, and they don't want anything to do with me. It might hurt for a little while, but honestly I have to come to realize that I am just not right for those people. We don't have to be friends with everyone, in fact we can't be. So... I have my people in my life, and I am going to choose to invest in them, and hopefully they invest in me. I lost a friend this year, that I would have never imagined losing. She was one of those people that comes across like she actually cares about others, but I have to wonder if it was all just a façade?
So I ponder and think about everything that came about in 2019.... and here is what I learned:
*Friendships are what we make of them. Sometimes we have to let friends go and it's not a reflection of who we are.
*God's timing is perfect, even if the wait is difficult.
*Always be open to people that come back into your life, it just might bring some of the best friendships.
*Everyone feels lonely sometimes, the best we can do is reach out to each other, and not be self-focused.
*My Enneagram is a 2! Loving, helpful, generous, and considerate! There is nothing wrong with being a 2!
*I am not single, because I am not enough.
*Being there for other people is my greatest gift.
*The best is yet to come!
All in all 2019 was a good year! Can't wait to see what 2020 holds!
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Is 2019 over yet?
I've had this thought multiple times in the past few days. It isn't because 2019 was a bad year. It wasn't a bad year at all. It just held a lot of ups and downs. A lot moments of trying to understand my place in this world. Don't get me wrong, I did a lot of fun things, I had a lot of dreams and plans for this year. This was going to be the year, you know? Yet here I am almost nearing the end of it, and I am not sure if I truly accomplished even half of what I set out to accomplish. But I know this. I've learned a lot. I've learned about who I am, who I want to be and who God is. This year was a very long journey. There were quite a few lonely moments. But then there were moments when I realized just how important I am to people, and I am thankful for that.
I tried to fit in to a lot of different places this year. I said good-bye to people and places that I no longer fit into. But I also welcomed some new places some new people that I didn't know I would find a place to belong with. The thing is that what this year has taught me is a lot about who I am, and how I interact with those around me.
We all come with baggage, right? We have had people walk away from us, we have lost people that we thought would be in our lives forever. We have been hurt, and rejected. We have been loved by the wrong person multiple times, or had to reject someone because they did not work out and bring out the best in us. But it depends on what we do with those moments.
This year I let those things almost break me.... but you know what? I've had some pretty epic people come into my life, that make me want to heal from those wounds.
So... 2019... maybe it wasn't a year for a lot of memorable things, but I sure learned a lot and I had a lot of fun moments with friends and family.... Here are some of my highlights, or memorable things....
* I read a lot of books! There will be a post about those later, when I get my final number of books read for 2019!!!
*My word for the year was FOCUS, and I feel like I did a pretty good job of focusing on my goals for the year. I didn't accomplish all of them, but I made progress!
*I got to tutor a lot of Korean students this year, and it was a blast.
*I did a lot of cooking this year, and I love it!
*I started sewing a quilt, something that I need to get back to doing. I love it.
*I learned about hygge, and started trying to make it a part of my life
*I got to be a Queen for True/False! It was amazing!
*I had garden, and it actually grew things that I got to use in my cooking.
*I have plants that are thriving on my patio.
*My city flooded... a lot, as well as a lot of the Katy Trail
*I grew microgreens, and they were delicious
*I went to the Kentucky Derby, and made two of my hats!
*I went camping in 3 different state parks
*I joined a small group in JC
* I stopped leading the three year old class.
* There was a tornado in my city
* I got a new niece
*I spent most of my summer hanging out at the pool, reading
*I had a fun trip to Branson/Kentucky
* I got a different position at my job
*I've had some great epic weekends full of football, beer, and staying out late
*Tailgating at all the home games I could
* Tried a new fun drink... Mt. Dew and apple whiskey
*One of the best homecoming weekends I've been to
*Backpacked overnight in a huge storm, and almost had to climb up a cliff
*Went to Michigan to the northern peninsula and got to taste all the wine
*Work trips to Joplin, Rolla, St. Louis, and Springfield
This year has been a good one, but I am happy to close the door. I truly believe that 2020 holds some things I have been praying and hoping for...…
I tried to fit in to a lot of different places this year. I said good-bye to people and places that I no longer fit into. But I also welcomed some new places some new people that I didn't know I would find a place to belong with. The thing is that what this year has taught me is a lot about who I am, and how I interact with those around me.
We all come with baggage, right? We have had people walk away from us, we have lost people that we thought would be in our lives forever. We have been hurt, and rejected. We have been loved by the wrong person multiple times, or had to reject someone because they did not work out and bring out the best in us. But it depends on what we do with those moments.
This year I let those things almost break me.... but you know what? I've had some pretty epic people come into my life, that make me want to heal from those wounds.
So... 2019... maybe it wasn't a year for a lot of memorable things, but I sure learned a lot and I had a lot of fun moments with friends and family.... Here are some of my highlights, or memorable things....
* I read a lot of books! There will be a post about those later, when I get my final number of books read for 2019!!!
*My word for the year was FOCUS, and I feel like I did a pretty good job of focusing on my goals for the year. I didn't accomplish all of them, but I made progress!
*I got to tutor a lot of Korean students this year, and it was a blast.
*I did a lot of cooking this year, and I love it!
*I started sewing a quilt, something that I need to get back to doing. I love it.
*I learned about hygge, and started trying to make it a part of my life
*I got to be a Queen for True/False! It was amazing!
*I had garden, and it actually grew things that I got to use in my cooking.
*I have plants that are thriving on my patio.
*My city flooded... a lot, as well as a lot of the Katy Trail
*I grew microgreens, and they were delicious
*I went to the Kentucky Derby, and made two of my hats!
*I went camping in 3 different state parks
*I joined a small group in JC
* I stopped leading the three year old class.
* There was a tornado in my city
* I got a new niece
*I spent most of my summer hanging out at the pool, reading
*I had a fun trip to Branson/Kentucky
* I got a different position at my job
*I've had some great epic weekends full of football, beer, and staying out late
*Tailgating at all the home games I could
* Tried a new fun drink... Mt. Dew and apple whiskey
*One of the best homecoming weekends I've been to
*Backpacked overnight in a huge storm, and almost had to climb up a cliff
*Went to Michigan to the northern peninsula and got to taste all the wine
*Work trips to Joplin, Rolla, St. Louis, and Springfield
This year has been a good one, but I am happy to close the door. I truly believe that 2020 holds some things I have been praying and hoping for...…
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Second Chances, and Not just Throwing People Away
I can't even believe that it is already December! How in the world has so much time gone past, and so quickly? It feels like it was just December 2018 last year! I'm not saying that I don't want 2019 to end, because trust me when I say... this year can be over. But it wasn't a bad year. I felt pretty alone a lot of the time, but I grew in ways I didn't even know that I would.
Sometimes we don't even realize what God is preparing us for. Sometimes we get so lost in the way that we look to everyone else we forget to find ourselves. We forget that to the right people we will not be too much. Sure they might get annoyed with us at times, but they will never want to throw us away.
In the past couple of months, but even more in the past week I have been reminded that we can give people second chances. Or third chances, or more. We can do that.... you know why? Because I am continuously given chances over and over again. I do things on a daily basis that should mean that I am no longer in the grasp of God. I have rejected Him, I have chosen to go my own way. I have spent more time scrolling through FB then listening to Him. Yet He chooses me anyways.
I have been pretty hurt by quite a few people over the past couple of years. I am sure some of them have even made it into some of my blog posts! But what I didn't think about was the fact that maybe those people would re-enter my life at a different time, when I was more ready for their friendship. Maybe, sometimes we need a break from someone so that we can be changed in a way where we are ready for them to re-enter our lives. Because as they re-enter we both are in a different place.
I'm so very glad for answered prayers. Prayers about friendship and people. I absolutely hate losing people from my life. It breaks my heart, and makes me wonder what is wrong with me. The thing is that it might not be about me. Not really. It might just be about needing to be a better version of me.
Friendship is based on love. It should be based on the kind of love that sees you through the mistakes, the weaknesses, and the flaws. It should be the kind of love that pushes you to be the best version of yourself. The kind that isn't self-seeking. That's the kind of friendships I want.
I lost my best friend a few years ago. Well at least I thought she was my best friend. As it turns out, maybe we never were as good of friends as I thought. Because I didn't feel secure in her friendship... not really. I never felt like she had my back no matter what. I always felt like I had to prove myself in our friendship. That I was never enough, there was always someone better to spend time with. I think in many ways those feelings were accurate. She might never have actually said that, but her actions spoke volumes. Since losing her as a best friend, and even a friend I have been searching for someone that I can meet on that best friend level.
Sometimes answers to prayers show up in the most unexpected places. I don't even think I realized that it was happening, until the other day... and then I realized that this person that has come back into my life after a little bit of a hiatus.... this person has become my best friend. He understands me, calls me out when I am being ridiculous and is there for me. Our friendship isn't perfect, but I am so very thankful for it. It's a lesson for me though. Sometimes it's okay to give second chances. Sometimes it's okay for friendships to breathe out and then in again. We all have things that we need to go through. Sometimes we can go through them together, but sometimes we have to go through them with some space. I also am not sure that I have ever had a better best friend. It might be unexpected, and really honestly sometimes it feels surreal... but I don't ever doubt my worth in our friendship... and I am truly thankful for that!
There have been about 5 people in the last week, that are now back in my life that for one reason or another have been absent for a little while. I had cast them aside, thinking that I was too much for them. But in this new stage, where I realize that the right people will always stay or find their way back, I can't help but think that this might be the reason I have been here for so long. This might be the reason that I have stayed.
We have to see everyone for who they are. Their flaws, their inability to react the way we want them to, the way that they don't meet our expectations. We have to see them, and then decide if we are going to love them through all of that, or throw them away. I have a couple people in my life that I have had to throw away. I didn't like doing it, and if I'm honest I still FB stalk them every once in awhile, but they were toxic for my life. They weren't meant for me. I don't know that they won't come back in my life one day... and maybe we will both be at a better place. But for now they are not there. I still love them, I still know that they are in fact created for a purpose, but unfortunately that purpose does not have to involve me... and that's okay.
There is no way for me to love, and intentionally know everyone in the world. It would be exhausting, honestly. But the people that are in my life. The people that come back into my life after being gone. Those people I need to intentionally keep. I don't know who is here for a season or a lifetime, but you know what? I am going to enjoy the heck out of the time I get with them. I am going to be there for them, love them.... see all their flaws, and love them some more. We aren't called to love people because they are easy to love. We are called to love them because they were created in His image.... by loving them and all that they are.... we are sharing His love. His love that is greater than anything we could ever imagine. So, tonight I reflect on what I can do to continue to love. I reflect on having prayers answered in regards to friendship. And I am truly thankful!
Maybe if we gave more second chances.... this world might be a more loving place.
Sometimes we don't even realize what God is preparing us for. Sometimes we get so lost in the way that we look to everyone else we forget to find ourselves. We forget that to the right people we will not be too much. Sure they might get annoyed with us at times, but they will never want to throw us away.
In the past couple of months, but even more in the past week I have been reminded that we can give people second chances. Or third chances, or more. We can do that.... you know why? Because I am continuously given chances over and over again. I do things on a daily basis that should mean that I am no longer in the grasp of God. I have rejected Him, I have chosen to go my own way. I have spent more time scrolling through FB then listening to Him. Yet He chooses me anyways.
I have been pretty hurt by quite a few people over the past couple of years. I am sure some of them have even made it into some of my blog posts! But what I didn't think about was the fact that maybe those people would re-enter my life at a different time, when I was more ready for their friendship. Maybe, sometimes we need a break from someone so that we can be changed in a way where we are ready for them to re-enter our lives. Because as they re-enter we both are in a different place.
I'm so very glad for answered prayers. Prayers about friendship and people. I absolutely hate losing people from my life. It breaks my heart, and makes me wonder what is wrong with me. The thing is that it might not be about me. Not really. It might just be about needing to be a better version of me.
Friendship is based on love. It should be based on the kind of love that sees you through the mistakes, the weaknesses, and the flaws. It should be the kind of love that pushes you to be the best version of yourself. The kind that isn't self-seeking. That's the kind of friendships I want.
I lost my best friend a few years ago. Well at least I thought she was my best friend. As it turns out, maybe we never were as good of friends as I thought. Because I didn't feel secure in her friendship... not really. I never felt like she had my back no matter what. I always felt like I had to prove myself in our friendship. That I was never enough, there was always someone better to spend time with. I think in many ways those feelings were accurate. She might never have actually said that, but her actions spoke volumes. Since losing her as a best friend, and even a friend I have been searching for someone that I can meet on that best friend level.
Sometimes answers to prayers show up in the most unexpected places. I don't even think I realized that it was happening, until the other day... and then I realized that this person that has come back into my life after a little bit of a hiatus.... this person has become my best friend. He understands me, calls me out when I am being ridiculous and is there for me. Our friendship isn't perfect, but I am so very thankful for it. It's a lesson for me though. Sometimes it's okay to give second chances. Sometimes it's okay for friendships to breathe out and then in again. We all have things that we need to go through. Sometimes we can go through them together, but sometimes we have to go through them with some space. I also am not sure that I have ever had a better best friend. It might be unexpected, and really honestly sometimes it feels surreal... but I don't ever doubt my worth in our friendship... and I am truly thankful for that!
There have been about 5 people in the last week, that are now back in my life that for one reason or another have been absent for a little while. I had cast them aside, thinking that I was too much for them. But in this new stage, where I realize that the right people will always stay or find their way back, I can't help but think that this might be the reason I have been here for so long. This might be the reason that I have stayed.
We have to see everyone for who they are. Their flaws, their inability to react the way we want them to, the way that they don't meet our expectations. We have to see them, and then decide if we are going to love them through all of that, or throw them away. I have a couple people in my life that I have had to throw away. I didn't like doing it, and if I'm honest I still FB stalk them every once in awhile, but they were toxic for my life. They weren't meant for me. I don't know that they won't come back in my life one day... and maybe we will both be at a better place. But for now they are not there. I still love them, I still know that they are in fact created for a purpose, but unfortunately that purpose does not have to involve me... and that's okay.
There is no way for me to love, and intentionally know everyone in the world. It would be exhausting, honestly. But the people that are in my life. The people that come back into my life after being gone. Those people I need to intentionally keep. I don't know who is here for a season or a lifetime, but you know what? I am going to enjoy the heck out of the time I get with them. I am going to be there for them, love them.... see all their flaws, and love them some more. We aren't called to love people because they are easy to love. We are called to love them because they were created in His image.... by loving them and all that they are.... we are sharing His love. His love that is greater than anything we could ever imagine. So, tonight I reflect on what I can do to continue to love. I reflect on having prayers answered in regards to friendship. And I am truly thankful!
Maybe if we gave more second chances.... this world might be a more loving place.
Sunday, November 24, 2019
Building Each Other Up, so there's no Need for Competition or Jealousy
We all have insecurities. Even the person amongst us that seems like they are the most confident person in the world. We all compare ourselves to others. We all fight to be liked, and to have people make time for us. We have all lost people from our lives because we didn't mesh. Or because we pushed them away. Or maybe our lives were only meant for a season. Regardless we have lost, and that loss has caused insecurities. Because instead of looking at what we gained from a friendship/relationship we analyze (or at least I do!) what we did wrong. We play it over and over again, and think about if only's.
The truth is that relationships/friendships take work and effort. Why do we think that putting people down is the best way to go? Why do we put ourselves in position where we are comparing. Where we are thinking that someone else is better than us, and so it is our job then to point out all the weaknesses in that person. Or maybe it causes problems in our current relationship because we are constantly comparing ourselves to the person that we think is the ultimate threat.
But what if... instead of comparing ourselves we just loved our differences. What if instead of getting jealous, we felt confident in the relationships/friendships that we have. Wouldn't we be able to have better relationships/friendships?
I read something yesterday from Rick Warren... it said, "Let love help you focus on the other person, and that will drive your fear out of the relationship."
This to me is everything... because when I think about the friendships/relationships that I have really wanted to keep in my life. The reason that they didn't work out, or didn't stay was because of my own insecurities. If I am truly focusing on the other person in love, then my doubts and fears of things not working out, or them leaving me... or me pushing them away will disappear. It is my job to realize that comparing myself to others only harms my current relationships/friendships. Love overcomes all. But not love just from myself. Love that comes from my faith in a God that is bigger than I am.
I read an article this week about friendship, and how friendship isn't something that we deserve it is something that we give. This article was talking about how friendship is a relationship that we form... where we let go of expectations and give a lot of forgiveness. How true is that? In order for a friendship/relationship to work... we have to see other people's faults, and love them anyways. It's a choice. Instead of expecting someone to act a certain way we give to them anyways. Stepping out of what makes us comfortable and knowing that there is a chance that they might reject our friendship... or they might just reject us.
I find this even in the online dating world. Oh how that world stinks! It is really the worst. But the thing is that you have to take a risk. Right? You have to know that in connecting with someone else, there is a chance that it is not going to work out. There is a chance that you might get hurt. There is a chance that the other person is going to do something at some point that you are going to need to forgive them for.
So... for me I want to be in friendships that allow me to give of myself. The kind of friendships that I am confident in. The ones that I know I will always have those people in my life, because we have committed to loving each other through all the mistakes. We know that we are there for each other. It is going to be messy, and I am not always going to say or do the right things. Emotions could be high at times, and they could be low at others. But at the end of the day, the risk of fighting for that friendship/relationship will be worth it every single time.
It is a true genuine love for that other person. A love that doesn't have room for competition or comparing. A love that moves me beyond what I see on the outside, and allows me to break down the walls, to get into what holds that person together.
I am so thankful for the friendships I am cultivating right now. So very thankful that even though there might be days where I feel like I am not enough... I find that in the messy struggle I am exactly who I need to be for my friends... as they are for me!
Sunday, November 17, 2019
Marriage and Love... the real talk
I don't think if you would have asked me a couple months ago if I would be back on dating apps I would have said yes. I was pretty set against them, and I was also pretty resigned to the fact that I would never find anyone that wanted me long-term in their life. I don't even know that I knew that was the reason for going after men that I would never see myself with long-term... but the past few weeks have made me realize that I have sabotaged quite a few potentially good relationships because I thought I wasn't enough. Now don't get me wrong... I truly believe that I have been single this long for a reason. But I am not sure if it because of the person I am waiting on, or if it because of me. I know I am not perfect, but no one is. Also, I know that if two people love each other, no matter what obstacles there are... they can make it work. I just don't know that we should all be going around trying to make things work that we know for sure won't work... does that even make sense?
Also... let me just say this... dating is stupid. Dating apps are stupid, and they make me want to pull my freaking hair out! That's why I have been on a hiatus for awhile. Even now I wish that dating apps were more like find a friend first kind of app. But unfortunately we are not in that day and age, and also we are a instant society. We want to make friends instantly, we want to find our "soul mate" instantly, we want to know who we are meant to be with instantly. We don't want things to take time.
What I have learned in the past few months, is that everything good takes time. It has taken me awhile to be where I am ready to open up to someone. It has also taken me a long time to get to where I am okay with who I am, and honestly I still have my moments. But here's the thing.... I'm a kind, considerate, doing anything for you kind of woman. I might not be the most gorgeous woman in the room, but I'm not ugly. I'm working hard to get to where I want to be and honestly if that is what turns someone off, then I probably didn't want them long-term in my life anyways.
Our society idolizes marriage. We want to be able to just instantly meet that person, and let the magic take over. Unfortunately love doesn't work like it does in the hallmark movies. I hope and pray that person enters my life soon! But I also am okay if that person enters my life as a friend first. I would rather have a friendship at the base of any romantic relationship than something that can't withstand my worst days!
I want to be married. But at the end of the day, I want loyal friends more. I want people in my life that will be there for me, that I can be there for. I want people that will push me everyday to be better than I was the day before! I hope one of them will become my husband one day... but for now I am okay with the right people pushing me on to love more.
Also... let me just say this... dating is stupid. Dating apps are stupid, and they make me want to pull my freaking hair out! That's why I have been on a hiatus for awhile. Even now I wish that dating apps were more like find a friend first kind of app. But unfortunately we are not in that day and age, and also we are a instant society. We want to make friends instantly, we want to find our "soul mate" instantly, we want to know who we are meant to be with instantly. We don't want things to take time.
What I have learned in the past few months, is that everything good takes time. It has taken me awhile to be where I am ready to open up to someone. It has also taken me a long time to get to where I am okay with who I am, and honestly I still have my moments. But here's the thing.... I'm a kind, considerate, doing anything for you kind of woman. I might not be the most gorgeous woman in the room, but I'm not ugly. I'm working hard to get to where I want to be and honestly if that is what turns someone off, then I probably didn't want them long-term in my life anyways.
Our society idolizes marriage. We want to be able to just instantly meet that person, and let the magic take over. Unfortunately love doesn't work like it does in the hallmark movies. I hope and pray that person enters my life soon! But I also am okay if that person enters my life as a friend first. I would rather have a friendship at the base of any romantic relationship than something that can't withstand my worst days!
I want to be married. But at the end of the day, I want loyal friends more. I want people in my life that will be there for me, that I can be there for. I want people that will push me everyday to be better than I was the day before! I hope one of them will become my husband one day... but for now I am okay with the right people pushing me on to love more.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Authentically Living.... and what it means to me right now...
I have been using the word authentic for quite a while now. Trying to be as real as I can. Some days I feel like I am really great at it, and other days I just want to be who everyone else wants me to be. The past two months have been no exception. I got to a point a couple months ago, where I wasn't sure what I was doing here. I wasn't sure that I was making any difference, or that if I all of a sudden disappeared that anyone would miss me. This blog is going to be self-focused for a bit, so if you are looking for something else I would probably stop reading. I have come to realize that the way we try to get people to feel better about where they are at, is to point out that their situation could be worse. For instance whenever I mention all the things I have to do at work... sometimes people are like... well at least you don't have to do this and this and this like I do. Which doesn't really help the situation I am in, right? It makes me feel like I shouldn't be so stressed out, because my worries aren't as important because I couldn't possibly have as much going on as this other person does.
But to me, the things I am struggling with are very real. They are very important, and in some cases they are very overwhelming. This year I spent my birthday by myself. I pretended like it was okay, but honestly deep down my heart was breaking. It was breaking because I wanted to matter enough for someone to make the effort. I wanted to be more than just a convenience. I wanted to be someone that people wanted to celebrate. So I got depressed. It probably didn't help that I had a situation happen that made me feel like just someone that could be used.
It has been a journey, and I wish I could say that I am seeing things so clearly, and that everyday I wake up with contentment and understanding of my role in this life. But I don't. There are mornings that I do. I have a couple people in my life right now, that truly are helping me to know what true friendship is and it is refreshing and so very helpful. But we are all flawed. We all get things wrong, and struggle to be there for other people. At the end of the day though, we have to be true to who we are. We have to figure out what we believe the truth is and live it.
I tried something for a little while, and I thought it would make me happy, but it didn't. Instead it just created this awful emptiness in me that probably led to the past couple months of hurt and pain, and feeling like I was disposable. No matter what none of us are disposable. No matter how many friends, or lovers leave us... we are not disposable. It is so easy to feel that way, when you are replaced by someone else. When the friends that you used to connect with on a daily or weekly basis are no longer texting or calling or connecting. It is easy to question if you ever really mattered.
But we have to each believe that we do. Even if for a little while we are just walking through the motions. In this life we all come across people that we want to be in our lives forever. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't. The amount of people that have left my life is hard to take in, because I don't like to lose people. I want to keep everyone in my sphere of friendship. I want to stay connected, and never do anything that messes that connection up. But sometimes connections get lost. Sometimes we have to let go, and know that maybe one day we will be able to cross paths again. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong, it just means that sometimes friendships/relationships have to breathe out and then breathe in again.
I won't ever stop being authentic, but just like the journey of life my authenticness changes and grows as I walk the road. I am able to be more of myself around certain people. I am able to show just a little more of myself when I feel like the walls can come down without crumbling. But it's okay for the walls to stay up for awhile, or go back up after coming back down. We don't have to let everyone in. Sometimes people only get a part of us. We love them with all we have, but they don't get to damage us, and throw us away. I'm learning this more and more. I think the past 2 months, I have reached great strides in this area. In the past I would have let a certain situation that I was in about a month ago damage me, and put me in a depression for awhile. I wouldn't have spoken the truth to this person, I would have just taken the blame for something that didn't work out. This time though, I spoke up for myself. I called them on the lie that they told me, and I lost a friend.
Some might say that if the person was able to be lost, then they weren't a friend to begin with. Maybe that's true, but also maybe they just don't know how to be a friend. Maybe they just thought that it would be okay to treat me the way they did, and I would just take it. The thing is that I am gaining my voice. I am learning that I don't have to be so nice to everyone. People that have hurt me more than once, and then want back into my inner circle. Sorry, but you don't get to be that kind of friend with me. The minute you can throw my friendship away twice, is when I decide not to allow a third time. I will pursue your friendship always, unless you show me that you no longer care, and then I will choose to be done.
So for me right now living authentically means that I am being careful of who I trust. I am not going out of my way to spend time with people that don't want to have anything to do with me, except when it benefits them. I am looking for those that want to be there for me no matter how many mistakes I make. No matter how very crazy I can be. I want to know that I am loved, and love in return. I won't compete with you, and I sure will not allow you to tell me that your life is harder than mine. We are all doing the best that we can, and we all go through different seasons of struggles. The best we can do is understand where someone is coming from, listen to them talk about the struggles, and stand beside them through it. I hope that's what people see of my life. Every day I am reaching for it more and more. Because we all struggle to belong and be accepted. The best we can do, is help each other through that journey.
But to me, the things I am struggling with are very real. They are very important, and in some cases they are very overwhelming. This year I spent my birthday by myself. I pretended like it was okay, but honestly deep down my heart was breaking. It was breaking because I wanted to matter enough for someone to make the effort. I wanted to be more than just a convenience. I wanted to be someone that people wanted to celebrate. So I got depressed. It probably didn't help that I had a situation happen that made me feel like just someone that could be used.
It has been a journey, and I wish I could say that I am seeing things so clearly, and that everyday I wake up with contentment and understanding of my role in this life. But I don't. There are mornings that I do. I have a couple people in my life right now, that truly are helping me to know what true friendship is and it is refreshing and so very helpful. But we are all flawed. We all get things wrong, and struggle to be there for other people. At the end of the day though, we have to be true to who we are. We have to figure out what we believe the truth is and live it.
I tried something for a little while, and I thought it would make me happy, but it didn't. Instead it just created this awful emptiness in me that probably led to the past couple months of hurt and pain, and feeling like I was disposable. No matter what none of us are disposable. No matter how many friends, or lovers leave us... we are not disposable. It is so easy to feel that way, when you are replaced by someone else. When the friends that you used to connect with on a daily or weekly basis are no longer texting or calling or connecting. It is easy to question if you ever really mattered.
But we have to each believe that we do. Even if for a little while we are just walking through the motions. In this life we all come across people that we want to be in our lives forever. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't. The amount of people that have left my life is hard to take in, because I don't like to lose people. I want to keep everyone in my sphere of friendship. I want to stay connected, and never do anything that messes that connection up. But sometimes connections get lost. Sometimes we have to let go, and know that maybe one day we will be able to cross paths again. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong, it just means that sometimes friendships/relationships have to breathe out and then breathe in again.
I won't ever stop being authentic, but just like the journey of life my authenticness changes and grows as I walk the road. I am able to be more of myself around certain people. I am able to show just a little more of myself when I feel like the walls can come down without crumbling. But it's okay for the walls to stay up for awhile, or go back up after coming back down. We don't have to let everyone in. Sometimes people only get a part of us. We love them with all we have, but they don't get to damage us, and throw us away. I'm learning this more and more. I think the past 2 months, I have reached great strides in this area. In the past I would have let a certain situation that I was in about a month ago damage me, and put me in a depression for awhile. I wouldn't have spoken the truth to this person, I would have just taken the blame for something that didn't work out. This time though, I spoke up for myself. I called them on the lie that they told me, and I lost a friend.
Some might say that if the person was able to be lost, then they weren't a friend to begin with. Maybe that's true, but also maybe they just don't know how to be a friend. Maybe they just thought that it would be okay to treat me the way they did, and I would just take it. The thing is that I am gaining my voice. I am learning that I don't have to be so nice to everyone. People that have hurt me more than once, and then want back into my inner circle. Sorry, but you don't get to be that kind of friend with me. The minute you can throw my friendship away twice, is when I decide not to allow a third time. I will pursue your friendship always, unless you show me that you no longer care, and then I will choose to be done.
So for me right now living authentically means that I am being careful of who I trust. I am not going out of my way to spend time with people that don't want to have anything to do with me, except when it benefits them. I am looking for those that want to be there for me no matter how many mistakes I make. No matter how very crazy I can be. I want to know that I am loved, and love in return. I won't compete with you, and I sure will not allow you to tell me that your life is harder than mine. We are all doing the best that we can, and we all go through different seasons of struggles. The best we can do is understand where someone is coming from, listen to them talk about the struggles, and stand beside them through it. I hope that's what people see of my life. Every day I am reaching for it more and more. Because we all struggle to belong and be accepted. The best we can do, is help each other through that journey.
Saturday, August 31, 2019
40 Before 40... Two Years to Go!
40 before 40 update....
I know you all have been dying to see this list again! Ha! But I have some things to add to it! :) I know, I know..... you can't wait! My latest updates are in Blue!
I have two years to complete this list. Hopefully I get to going on some of them! Changed up the list, a little this year... but still pretty excited about these things! Just wish they didn't cost so much money!
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival Completed last Fall! :) Hope to get to another one soon!
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop! Could 2019 be the year? Hmmm...... Anyone want to go????
#3 Pay School Loans down This will be the year!
#4 Go Skydiving 2019..... or 2020
#5 Get a tattoo I have TWO tattoos now! Yippeee!!!! Love my elephant and owl! I really want another one!!!!!! I already have the next ones picked out! Ha! :) I really want another tattoo!
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California Maybe next summer (2020)
#7 See a show at the Fox. This needs to happen!
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting Planning for Fall 2019
#9 Hike some of the PCT This is going to be the trip for my 40th birthday! Get ready!
#10 Get in the best shape of my life Blah... I'm sucking that this!
#11 Learn a new skill..... Currently learning Quilting
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year (Yikes, I need to get on this one for this year!) Ummm.... I really need to start doing this...
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise Summer 2021
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto I need to get on this!
#16 Go to a race track that has cars, not horses! Went to the Derby twice! That counts!
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities (I did well with this!!!) I am going to change this one.... Be open to new dating opportunities, but don't just take any of them, because some of them are CRAZY! I completed this... checking it off the list! I HATE dating!!!!!!
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip
#20 Read 52 books in 52 weeks! On book 27!
#21 Learn to Knit (Still working on this, but I am a great loom knitter) Work in progress
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation (Ugh, not so great with this) Hmmm.....
#23 Read 100 books (Need to make my list) I have read a lot oFallf books, but I need to be writing them somewhere.
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes Fall 2019!
#26 Do one kind deed everyday of my life.
#27 Be more intentional
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon Changing this #28 Drink MORE tea!!!!! Kombucha for the win!
#29 Run a new race each year.
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended (Getting better with this) Rats, I suck at this!
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon 2019 for sure!
#33 Write a short story I have an outline of one!
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year (I didn't do this at all) I'm stinking at this!
#35 Pray everyday (More work needed with this)
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga Completed a class this summer! Hope to again, but need a new teacher.
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away (I will do this)
#39 Make something crafty and sell it (Yay! I did this! )
#40 Step out of my comfort zone at least once a day.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Fundraising for My Birthday....
This will probably be one of the most real and hardest posts that I have ever written. If suicide is a trigger for you in anyway, please don't keep reading this blog.
I had a breakdown this past week. Like a complete breakdown, that has been weeks, maybe even years in the making. It stems from years of self-doubt and insecurities. From words that have been said to me, about me directly and indirectly. Words that I continue to play in my mind because I am a pleaser, a feeler and an empath. Up until recently I don't even think that I would admit to having anxiety, but I honestly think that I have finally put a name to what I feel when I physically feel sick from thinking about certain situations and people.
I have spent most of my life behind someone else. I was never the leader, I was always the follower. I also never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, or good enough for anyone. Now I am not going to get into whose fault that is, or place blame on a situation or person. I just think that for whatever reason my life circumstances created in me a negative outlook. I saw myself as not enough. Not a good enough daughter, not a good enough sister, not a good enough friend, not good enough to date, just not enough.
This has been the driving force in most of the decisions that I have made, and people that I have invested in. Even in my family I have often felt like I wasn't who they had hoped I would be, more so my extended family than immediate just to be clear. Sometimes I think we are born with certain frames of mind. For whatever reason I have to force myself to not go down into the hole where I literally feel like I could disappear from the face of the earth and no one would care. I have to force myself when I get in those types of frames of mind to go back through my experiences, the people that I have met and see the love.
Every time someone stops texting me back, or I always have the be the one to go to them, somewhere in the back of my mind this little tape recorder plays this... "you are not enough." Even if it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with where they are in life. I take that on... I analyze everything that has been said to me, and I internalize the rejection as something that is wrong with me. I used to think that I was the only person who did that, but I know I'm not. I know that we are all filled with those types of rejection, that try to steal our worth.
The difference is that for a lot of people at least at some point in their lives that have had someone who was always there for them even in the midst of those moments of self doubt and insecurity. It is quite often that I feel alone in a crowded room. It is quite often that I say something sarcastic because I honestly just don't know how to truly let people in past the wall that is so close to my heart I am not sure if anyone has ever truly broken it down. Because to be honest the last friendship that got close ended up wounding me past repair. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that rejection.
What am I getting at here? For my birthday I am raising money for a Suicide Prevention Organization. Now...I don't have a story of how they helped change my life. Because they didn't. I do have lots of stories of when I have almost been to the point of needing them to help me. I have lots of times when I felt like because I don't have a family of my own (husband and kids) that I am not important enough to our society to matter. I'm not alone, I know that many people have had my same thoughts.
What keeps me going? It's moments like this past weekend, when I had people see me in one of the worst places mentally that I have been in for awhile and still love me. It's the times when someone takes off work to take me out for a birthday dinner, or randomly sends me a message to tell me how important I am to them. It's those moments, when someone shows me that I am enough by just being me. Sometimes it feels like those moments are few and far between.
I have lost a lot of friends in the past few years. Some because they chose other friends over me. Some think I am too much. Others I am not even really sure what happened to be honest. Finally others it's just time and distance that have separated us.
Here is what I am getting at.... I finally had to come to terms this weekend with the fact that we really never know what someone has gone through or is going through, and we just have to be ourselves, and the right people will love us through whatever kind of mess we are. Also, I'm alive for a reason, even if it is not societies version of why I should be alive. I'm making a difference in lives around me, even if I don't fit the vision that I grew up believing was the most important. It is a day-by-day process though, and it's okay I just have to remember on the days I feel less than, that there are people who need my love and friendship that wouldn't have it if I wasn't here.
Real friendship, real love sees the weaknesses, and chaotic messes, and loves anyways. Real love and friendship makes time for those connections, and sometimes that means taking a break for awhile. Other times it means driving 8 hours to spend 2 and then driving back.
Sometimes we have an experience that transforms how we view ourselves. I won't go into the details, but I can say that I am super thankful for a new view of life and how I see myself in it. We don't always get the happy ending we expected, but when we have people in our lives that are willing to be there for us, no matter what role they have... that's enough. Because it turns out that there is a better happy ending waiting just around the bend.
This world is a lonely place, and it is full of stress, rejection and loss. If you feel so inclined, find my birthday fundraiser and give money to an organization that is trying to help those that aren't able to get out of that pit on their own. I know that if I ever get to that point, I want someone to be there for me.
We say all the time... why didn't they just reach out. Here's the thing... I have spent many moments smiling, making jokes and laughing when I wanted to cry and scream. Many moments surrounded by people when I felt like I could just walk out of the room and no one would notice. It is an awful feeling. We can do better, for our friends, for our family and for ourselves.
Breaking down and being vulnerable is something that I am not good at. But when it does happen I know that I have held too much in for too long. If that's you too... take the time to think through those moments when you have felt loved. Write them down, go back to them, and know that you are here for a reason. Every single day someone needs your smile, your touch, your encouragement.
So today starts a new day, and a new perspective. When you find people that truly love you, do what you can to hold on to those friendships. Do what you can to make the people of this world know what they mean. We aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, so let's help each other through the stress and misunderstandings of today. We owe it to those that we have lost from suicide, and those that try to take their lives everyday. It is an awful way to live, thinking that you don't matter to the world, that you aren't loved, or needed. If you are reading this... know that I am so thankful for you...whatever role you have in my life and this world needs you. Needs your smile, needs your light, needs your laugh, needs your presence. Thank you for what you do to make this world better.
I had a breakdown this past week. Like a complete breakdown, that has been weeks, maybe even years in the making. It stems from years of self-doubt and insecurities. From words that have been said to me, about me directly and indirectly. Words that I continue to play in my mind because I am a pleaser, a feeler and an empath. Up until recently I don't even think that I would admit to having anxiety, but I honestly think that I have finally put a name to what I feel when I physically feel sick from thinking about certain situations and people.
I have spent most of my life behind someone else. I was never the leader, I was always the follower. I also never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, or good enough for anyone. Now I am not going to get into whose fault that is, or place blame on a situation or person. I just think that for whatever reason my life circumstances created in me a negative outlook. I saw myself as not enough. Not a good enough daughter, not a good enough sister, not a good enough friend, not good enough to date, just not enough.
This has been the driving force in most of the decisions that I have made, and people that I have invested in. Even in my family I have often felt like I wasn't who they had hoped I would be, more so my extended family than immediate just to be clear. Sometimes I think we are born with certain frames of mind. For whatever reason I have to force myself to not go down into the hole where I literally feel like I could disappear from the face of the earth and no one would care. I have to force myself when I get in those types of frames of mind to go back through my experiences, the people that I have met and see the love.
Every time someone stops texting me back, or I always have the be the one to go to them, somewhere in the back of my mind this little tape recorder plays this... "you are not enough." Even if it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with where they are in life. I take that on... I analyze everything that has been said to me, and I internalize the rejection as something that is wrong with me. I used to think that I was the only person who did that, but I know I'm not. I know that we are all filled with those types of rejection, that try to steal our worth.
The difference is that for a lot of people at least at some point in their lives that have had someone who was always there for them even in the midst of those moments of self doubt and insecurity. It is quite often that I feel alone in a crowded room. It is quite often that I say something sarcastic because I honestly just don't know how to truly let people in past the wall that is so close to my heart I am not sure if anyone has ever truly broken it down. Because to be honest the last friendship that got close ended up wounding me past repair. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that rejection.
What am I getting at here? For my birthday I am raising money for a Suicide Prevention Organization. Now...I don't have a story of how they helped change my life. Because they didn't. I do have lots of stories of when I have almost been to the point of needing them to help me. I have lots of times when I felt like because I don't have a family of my own (husband and kids) that I am not important enough to our society to matter. I'm not alone, I know that many people have had my same thoughts.
What keeps me going? It's moments like this past weekend, when I had people see me in one of the worst places mentally that I have been in for awhile and still love me. It's the times when someone takes off work to take me out for a birthday dinner, or randomly sends me a message to tell me how important I am to them. It's those moments, when someone shows me that I am enough by just being me. Sometimes it feels like those moments are few and far between.
I have lost a lot of friends in the past few years. Some because they chose other friends over me. Some think I am too much. Others I am not even really sure what happened to be honest. Finally others it's just time and distance that have separated us.
Here is what I am getting at.... I finally had to come to terms this weekend with the fact that we really never know what someone has gone through or is going through, and we just have to be ourselves, and the right people will love us through whatever kind of mess we are. Also, I'm alive for a reason, even if it is not societies version of why I should be alive. I'm making a difference in lives around me, even if I don't fit the vision that I grew up believing was the most important. It is a day-by-day process though, and it's okay I just have to remember on the days I feel less than, that there are people who need my love and friendship that wouldn't have it if I wasn't here.
Real friendship, real love sees the weaknesses, and chaotic messes, and loves anyways. Real love and friendship makes time for those connections, and sometimes that means taking a break for awhile. Other times it means driving 8 hours to spend 2 and then driving back.
Sometimes we have an experience that transforms how we view ourselves. I won't go into the details, but I can say that I am super thankful for a new view of life and how I see myself in it. We don't always get the happy ending we expected, but when we have people in our lives that are willing to be there for us, no matter what role they have... that's enough. Because it turns out that there is a better happy ending waiting just around the bend.
This world is a lonely place, and it is full of stress, rejection and loss. If you feel so inclined, find my birthday fundraiser and give money to an organization that is trying to help those that aren't able to get out of that pit on their own. I know that if I ever get to that point, I want someone to be there for me.
We say all the time... why didn't they just reach out. Here's the thing... I have spent many moments smiling, making jokes and laughing when I wanted to cry and scream. Many moments surrounded by people when I felt like I could just walk out of the room and no one would notice. It is an awful feeling. We can do better, for our friends, for our family and for ourselves.
Breaking down and being vulnerable is something that I am not good at. But when it does happen I know that I have held too much in for too long. If that's you too... take the time to think through those moments when you have felt loved. Write them down, go back to them, and know that you are here for a reason. Every single day someone needs your smile, your touch, your encouragement.
So today starts a new day, and a new perspective. When you find people that truly love you, do what you can to hold on to those friendships. Do what you can to make the people of this world know what they mean. We aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, so let's help each other through the stress and misunderstandings of today. We owe it to those that we have lost from suicide, and those that try to take their lives everyday. It is an awful way to live, thinking that you don't matter to the world, that you aren't loved, or needed. If you are reading this... know that I am so thankful for you...whatever role you have in my life and this world needs you. Needs your smile, needs your light, needs your laugh, needs your presence. Thank you for what you do to make this world better.
Monday, July 29, 2019
Book #22 and why I need to write more....
I finished up book #22 today. I read Rachel Hollis' book Girl, wash your face." I had seen some of the reviews of the book, and have heard some things about it. So I know that some people don't really think that there's anything profound in it, and that some of the stuff in her book is some of the same stuff you would read in other books. But for me I think that her book was all about being authentic. It was a huge reminder for me, to be myself. Although a lot of it had to do with motherhood, I really appreciated the way she did include single women in what she said as well. It is hard these days to find books that aren't meant for married with children women. So, I take the tiny bits that I can that are including me.
The past few months have brought me to a place of crisis in my identity. I have found myself not really feeling included in the circles that I have been included in for so long. Some of that is because of decisions I have made to step back, and some of that is because of other people's decisions to push me away, or not see my friendship as important as it maybe once was. I am okay with that, because I have realized again and again and to most people I am a seasonal friend. You see I don't fit the mold that I used to, and so that has made me unnecessary to a lot of friends that I had from high school and college. I don't believe in the same things they do anymore, and my life doesn't fit the mold inside the Southern Baptist box that it once did. So, I think that has caused a division. It is sad, but I knew that at some point it would. The thing is I have always been a person that doesn't want to argue or hurt other people's feelings. Here lately I have been standing up for myself, and when someone says something that I don't agree with, I let them know... most of the time anyways.
But strong voices, especially strong voices from women aren't met with cheers and acceptance in the spiritual circles I once called home. Women aren't seen as leaders and any woman who does speak out, is put into this category. I have family members and close friends that I once talked to everyday or at least once a week, that are no longer in my life. I wish that I could say I am sad, but I honestly especially here recently have lost the desire to be sad.
This book and a few others have given me a new drive for going after my hopes and dreams. The past few months have also really allowed me grieve my dream of being a mom, and perhaps even a wife. But it isn't a bad thing. It is just letting go of the expectation that had been driven into me since I was a little toddler and realizing that even though I don't meet that role, I am still a necessary part of this world.
So for today I embrace who I am, knowing that I don't always get it right. I am thankful that I am on this journey of living everyday to the fullest and making the most out of where I am and what I have been given.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
"Whatever standard you've set for yourself is where you'll end up... unless you fight through your instinct and change your pattern." -page 15
"I learned to celebrate accomplishments, not with big flashy parties, but with taco nights oor a great bottle of wine." -page 29
"What I want to say is that we all judge each other, but even though we all do it, that's not an excuse. Judging is still one of the most hurtful, spiteful impulses we own, and our judgments keep us from building a stronger tribe... or from having a tribe in the first place. Our judgment prohibits us from beautiful, life-affirming friendships. Our judgement keeps us from connecting in deeper, richer ways because we're too stuck on the surface-level assumptions we've made." - page 37
"I'd challenge you to consider that maybe your people come in a different package than you thought they might." -page 41
As I search for my tribe, it might take me 5 more years before I really find people that I trust and click with, but here's hoping that they are just right around the corner, just maybe not in the package that I once thought they would be!
The past few months have brought me to a place of crisis in my identity. I have found myself not really feeling included in the circles that I have been included in for so long. Some of that is because of decisions I have made to step back, and some of that is because of other people's decisions to push me away, or not see my friendship as important as it maybe once was. I am okay with that, because I have realized again and again and to most people I am a seasonal friend. You see I don't fit the mold that I used to, and so that has made me unnecessary to a lot of friends that I had from high school and college. I don't believe in the same things they do anymore, and my life doesn't fit the mold inside the Southern Baptist box that it once did. So, I think that has caused a division. It is sad, but I knew that at some point it would. The thing is I have always been a person that doesn't want to argue or hurt other people's feelings. Here lately I have been standing up for myself, and when someone says something that I don't agree with, I let them know... most of the time anyways.
But strong voices, especially strong voices from women aren't met with cheers and acceptance in the spiritual circles I once called home. Women aren't seen as leaders and any woman who does speak out, is put into this category. I have family members and close friends that I once talked to everyday or at least once a week, that are no longer in my life. I wish that I could say I am sad, but I honestly especially here recently have lost the desire to be sad.
This book and a few others have given me a new drive for going after my hopes and dreams. The past few months have also really allowed me grieve my dream of being a mom, and perhaps even a wife. But it isn't a bad thing. It is just letting go of the expectation that had been driven into me since I was a little toddler and realizing that even though I don't meet that role, I am still a necessary part of this world.
So for today I embrace who I am, knowing that I don't always get it right. I am thankful that I am on this journey of living everyday to the fullest and making the most out of where I am and what I have been given.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
"Whatever standard you've set for yourself is where you'll end up... unless you fight through your instinct and change your pattern." -page 15
"I learned to celebrate accomplishments, not with big flashy parties, but with taco nights oor a great bottle of wine." -page 29
"What I want to say is that we all judge each other, but even though we all do it, that's not an excuse. Judging is still one of the most hurtful, spiteful impulses we own, and our judgments keep us from building a stronger tribe... or from having a tribe in the first place. Our judgment prohibits us from beautiful, life-affirming friendships. Our judgement keeps us from connecting in deeper, richer ways because we're too stuck on the surface-level assumptions we've made." - page 37
"I'd challenge you to consider that maybe your people come in a different package than you thought they might." -page 41
As I search for my tribe, it might take me 5 more years before I really find people that I trust and click with, but here's hoping that they are just right around the corner, just maybe not in the package that I once thought they would be!
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