Why the Church isn't for Singles over 30

I have been a part of church for my whole life.  I can't remember a time when I didn't go to church.  I always felt a part of church.  When I was in junior high and high school that was where I felt the most accepted.  I didn't start feeling like I didn't belong until the age of 30.  You see at 30 I was still single.  I didn't quite feel single in the way that you do when you are surrounded by all married people.  But it was at age 30 that I started noticing my singleness more. 

Young Adult groups at church were not quite the right fit, but it felt like after 30 there wasn't room for singles.  Either everyone was trying to set you up, or you were supposed to just take care of everyone else's kids.  I don't think it really actually started to be real to me until 33 or 34, because that is when a lot of my really close friends went from being single to being married, and started having kids.  It is easy to not feel left out when you are surrounded by people that are the same as you.  When you have single friends to do things with it makes community feel more accessible and closer. 

My 35th year is when I really started feeling the weight of singleness, especially in the church.  I felt like people looked at me and thought, why doesn't she find someone?  It's simple, just go on a dating site and find someone.  The thing that people don't realize is that dating has changed dramatically because of social media.  Especially dating over 30.  Especially Christian dating over 30.  More importantly what the Church doesn't realize is that everything in church is about families.  Singleness makes people uncomfortable.  Especially people that have never known singleness.  I'm sorry but if you got married at the age of 25 or younger, you are not going to be be able to relate to someone that is in their 30's and still single.  So, please stop yourself from saying that you understand, because you don't.  No, it isn't the same if your husband goes away to serve in the military and leaves you behind for months at a time.  Because you still have a HUSBAND or WIFE whatever the case may be. 

I am not here to have a pity party for all the singles in the church that are being ignored.  I am here to advocate for the fact that there ARE singles in the church being ignored.  You probably don't think you are ignoring them.  You probably think you are including them.  I mean why wouldn't they want to be around married couples?  They need to know what marriage is going to be like for the one day when they do find someone and get married, right?  When their life can actually start, right?    I'm going to tell you this very clearly.....   NOT EVERYONE GETS MARRIED! 

I'm not trying to be harsh at all.  I am just trying to help you understand that not everyone gets married, not everyone gets to be a mom or dad.  This is a fact of life.  Something that I struggle with almost on a daily basis to understand.  The best that I have had it explained to me was during a BSF discussion towards the end of last year when I was really struggling.  Someone explained it to me like this > "we were all meant to have someone, that is how we were created, but because of sin, the world is broken, thus there are going to be people that aren't able to find that person."  I don't like this answer at all.  In fact I hate it, but I understand it.  It also helps me understand my singleness in a different way.  I don't feel like I am single because there is something wrong with me, that is worse than anyone else.  I don't feel like I am single because I  am not pretty enough to get married.  My singleness is a result of this broken world.  Broken love.  It is a result of us seeing sex as the end all be all, and not understanding that true relationship is a two-way street. 

Does the church see it this way?  Or does the church see it as a problem that needs to be fixed?  We just need to plug all the single people in to small groups with married people so they know what marriage is like, and can then one day get married.  Right?  Then we have fixed the problem.  We put a happily married couple that has been married since they were both in their early 20's in charge of the singles group, and expect that to fix the problem.  The problem being singles over the age of 30 in the church.  I think that the first step is to understand that singles aren't a problem to be fixed. 

It isn't talked about.  We all know it, because when we think about our kids we don't want them to be single.  I know it, and you know it.  When you plan the future for your kids, you want them to grow up, get married and have babies.  I've had people say that.  Actually I have even been at a conference where that was spouted out by a very well known Christian leader that I love.  Her exact words were, "when my kids grow up and give me grandbabies."    That is the future that our culture has created as the norm.  So, when it doesn't happen for people we lump them in a category, and we kind of just forget about them.  We try to include them by creating singles "groups."  But when those don't work out, we just chop it up to their being something wrong with "them."  We say there just weren't enough people "invested."  If a marriage conference doesn't have as many couples register as we think there should be, do you stop having marriage conferences?  Or do you figure out how to attract more couples?  If kids aren't coming to your children's ministry, do you get rid of the ministry?  Or do you figure out ways that you can connect with kids to get them involved? 

The answer is that you figure out how to attract more couples or kids.  But you see that is the "norm."  That is what we are used to.  When you step into churches that is what the majority of the people are, happily (or not so happily) married with kids.  It is right for the church to minister to that group of people.  I might even add that they are the easiest to minister to.  Why?  Because most pastors are or have been married themselves.  Most pastors are parents.  They know what it is like to raise a family.   Most pastors have no idea what it is like to still be single at 35.  Most pastors have no idea what it is like to feel like an outsider when they step inside a church building.  Most pastors have never known judgement of being a single parent.  I don't look down on them for that.  But I am going to say this....  in order to minister to people it is best if you have gone through what they are going through.  Or at least care enough to take the time to actually listen to them. 

I wish that I wasn't still single at 37. I wish that I could be a mom, but that is not where I am at.  So, I am doing the best that I can.  I am living life, I am trying to help others, and I am reaching out to change what I can of this crazy, mixed-up world. 

If you are an important member of your church, or even if you are just a member of a church (that means you are important!)  Step back, and take an honest assessment of how many single people over the age of  30 you have in your church.  You don't think you have any?  Then that probably means that they aren't coming to church, because I guarantee they are out there.  I guarantee there are a lot more single people over the age of 30 than what you or I think.  But the thing is we have gotten used to hiding.  We hide from the married couples because we are tired of being babysitters, or stepping into a conversation only for it to be about how your husband is leaving you alone for a week, and you just can't deal with the "single life."  We are tired of hearing how you just can't seem to find time for yourself and "you are so lucky you are single, because you must have so much free time." 

Guess what?  I fill my schedule up, so that the loneliness of not having someone to share life with doesn't overwhelm me.  I also need the money!  Really though, can we stop making single people feel like they aren't good enough, or like they are being punished by God?  Can we stop lumping singles over the age of 30 in the same category as college students, and young professionals.  Can we start ministering to people where they are, in all walks of life?  Can we start teaching our kids that if they don't get married and become parents they are still worthy?  Can we change that conversation? 

Churches are pushing single people away.  Worth and value isn't determined by marriage or parenting.  Those roles aren't in everyone's stories.  Let's move towards communities that value people no matter what role they fill.  Let's move towards communities that minister to everyone where they are, and lead them into relationships with Jesus that transform them.  Let's move towards having pastors that have a heart for singles over 30, and have experienced it themselves.  Leaders that have been there, and know what it is like.  We don't have single, never-married people leading divorce-care do we?  Then why would you have married, never single leading a singles ministry.  I have seen it over and over again.  Or there is no ministry at all, or there was one, but it fizzled out because no one was willing to step up, or maybe we didn't let people step up when they wanted to. 

If I was a wife and a mom this issue wouldn't mean as much to me as it does right now. I know that, and I understand that some of you are going to read this and not understand what the big deal is because you maybe were never single.  Or you have forgotten what it was like when you were single longing for marriage/kids.   Because I'm in it, I'm living it, it means a whole heck of a lot to me.  I want to be heard, seen, and needed. I want to mean just as much to my church as someone that is married with 3 kids.  I want people to value me as a person, value my opinion, and value my service.  I don't just want to be an extra. 

I want that for my single friends too.  I want that for every person over the age of 30 that has ever been told that they should just find a husband/wife.  I want that for every person over the age of 30 that steps into church Sunday after Sunday and goes straight to the Kids' area because that is the only place they ever feel like they belong.  I want that for every person that goes to church and sits by themselves Sunday after Sunday without anyone ever saying a word to them.  I want that, for the church, because there is a place for everyone.  No matter what your marital status, or parenting status.  There is a place, because we are all a part of the community.  Let's change this culture.  Let's start seeing singles as more than a babysitting service for our kids, let's start making them part of our conversations.  Let's stop asking people after not seeing them for awhile if they are dating someone, like that is the end all be all.  Let's start figuring out how we can connect, how we can value singleness, just as much as we value marriage and parenting.  I'm afraid if we don't there's going to be a whole generation of people lost. 

Validation and Healing...

I would say that I have been on a solid journey of healing for about 3 years now.  The past 3 years have been filled with a lot of loss.  A lot of people that were once really important in my life, have walked away, or I have chosen to walk away from.  I don't like loss.  It is hard, it hurts, and it makes me feel like I am not enough.  But loss has to happen.  there are times when we have to say good-bye to people, jobs, even acquaintances that aren't impacting us in a positive way.  There has been a lot of that for me. 

Two years ago about this time actually I would begin one of the hardest journeys that I have ever taken.  It was my last year of teaching.  It was a journey that almost broke me.  I had things said to me that no teacher or human being should ever have said.  I let it change me.  I let it impact my view of self, and I let it steer me away from teaching.  It is interesting to me how God works and moves even in the midst of hurt and pain.  There was a point where I didn't think that my life was worth living.  There was a point in that journey where I felt like leaving the church, leaving my faith, and leaving this world.  Thankfully I didn't.  Thankfully I had good teammates, good friends, and good family that helped me. 

It has taken me the past year and a half to see that some of what happened was not because of me.  Some of what happened was because of other flawed humans.  I am not a perfect teacher, but I am a good one.  I love my students, I have high expectations for them, and I am worthy of being respected as that teacher.  Last night I was thankful to come full circle in my realization that maybe what happened wasn't necessarily about me.  Maybe it was actually not even supposed to happen like that, but because we are so self-focused, we don't always react the way we should.  I am not a parent, and I don't know what it is like to see my kid as perfect, but I know plenty of parents that think their kids never do anything wrong.  It is a sad world where we can't own up to what people tell us about our kids year after year.  But you know what?  That has nothing to do with me as a teacher.  It has taken me 2 years to realize this, but I finally realize it.  Even though it felt like a personal attack on me, the words that were said, and the actions that were taken against me, well they were more about that person than about me.  So I sit here thinking about this.  I also think about the parents that are the opposite.  The ones that see only the things that are wrong with their kids.  The ones that don't ever give a compliment, they just nag, nag, nag.  For instance my friend told me about her friend that is a parent.  Through the entire game that her child was playing, all the friend did was constantly  scream at her child everything that she was doing wrong. If we are constantly pointing out the flaws and trying to control the kids in our lives, stopping them from making every wrong decision, is this really teaching them?  Or just controlling them?   Now, like I said I am not trying to be an expert at parenting.  But I am an expert at someone that is hard enough on herself without needing to hear it every two seconds from everyone else. I honestly am a critique of myself without anyone else needing to be.   I kind of think we all are.  Especially in the social media age we live in.  Where we only see the perfect pics.  Kids have enough pressure, without us trying to control every decision they make, and aspect of their lives. 

Okay, so where am I going with this?  The past month has brought a lot of healing in my life.  People that I lost touch with, people that I on purpose lost touch with coming back into my life.  Things that were said or done to me, that others have apologized for.  Through all of it, I realize that  these last 3 years have been a journey of healing.  I still allow others to sometimes speak into my worth, but not near as much as I did three years ago.  I still struggle with singleness, but it is no longer the focus of what defines me.  I still struggle with loss, but I understand that sometimes people have to leave in order for healing and growth to happen. 

We don't always get to feel validated.  Sometimes it never happens.  Sometimes it takes a couple of years before we truly understand that the truths that other people see aren't necessarily the ones that God sees.  Sometimes in the quiet of going about our days, we realize that we are being transformed.  We realize that behind the hurt and pain there has been this beautiful bloom that has taken shape.  We realize that God has this amazing way of letting the bad change us for good. 

A Broken Heart

My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the hate and mocking
Watching the way that we dismiss each other's stories
The way we put one gender on a pedestal over another

My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the anger and violence
Not understanding why we don't open our eyes
We dismiss so easily the people that we don't agree with

My heart is breaking day by day
As I witness the hate against my fellow men and women
Hate because of differing political views
Hate because of differing skin color, and language

My heart is breaking day by day
As I search to understand how one side can claim Jesus,
yet be so hateful of the other side
I'm searching to understand, to grasp why it is okay to mock and put down
For my Jesus never did that

My Jesus wouldn't have been on that panel,
My Jesus wouldn't have laughed yesterday
My Jesus would have been for truth, real truth
Not one person against the other
My Jesus would be loving through the process

My heart is breaking day by day
I see people that don't want to love
They are satisfied with living their life in hate
I don't want to be a part of a group of people that only want to hate

That's not my belief
That's not who I am
I won't ever be for people that only want to judge, and diminish someone's story

My heart is breaking day by day
The pieces are crying out against all that tears them down
For I long to be a part of a world that is not broken
I long to be able to see a solution of unity, not division