F is for Fear of Never Finding Someone Myth #6: There is only one person for everyone, and if I have never been married by 36 then I probably won't get married.
Fear grips each of us. Fear of rejection, fear of truth at times, fear of the unknown. I found myself about 2 months ago gripped in this fear. The fear that I would die never having known what it was to be married and have kids. At the time I didn't realize just how much of a hold that fear was having on me. I didn't realize that it was causing me to make choices that in my younger years I wouldn't have even considered to be choices. I was dating people that I would have never looked twice at, I was waiting around for certain people to notice me. I have never been that girl. So, why was I turning into that girl?
Then it occurred to me... I was living out my fear. The fear that alone, I was not good enough for this society. Alone meant that I wasn't living up to my potential. Not having a partner to share this life with meant that there was something wrong with me. Was I unloveable? Was I not pretty enough? Was I too much "the girl next door?"
I wouldn't say I am over these fears. Not by a long shot. I still have them, because honestly I have always been that girl. The one that you can bring home, because your parents will love me. I fit all the boxes, Christian, kind, compassionate, sarcastic, not afraid to call you on your stuff, and ready to live wherever I am called. But there is something about me when it comes down to it that I hear EVERY SINGLE FREAKING time. "I don't want to lose you as a friend." Which I think is a big cop-out. Because honestly if you really did see potential in me, you would know that if something didn't work out, you wouldn't lose me as a friend anyway. It's always something along those lines. I always just fit into the "girl next door," zone....
So, honestly I don't share my feelings a lot. I hardly ever let someone in close enough to go beyond friendship, and when I do most of the time it is because I know that it would never really lead to something real. I as well would rather keep friends then lose them because of a love that didn't work out. But it sucks. It sucks a lot and it creates this fear in me that I will never find anyone who sees me as anything more than just a good friend.
I'm learning to let go of that fear, and embrace singleness. I may never be seen as more than a good friend, and I am becoming more and more okay with that. Because at least I have what it takes to be a friend. At least that is a role that I can fill. I can listen to you, I can be there for you, and I can make sure that no matter what you feel loved. Because the truth is that I don't find my worth and value in having a life partner. Sure, I would love that... but ultimately if I am finding my worth and value in that I will be disappointed every single time.
So, I let go of the fear. Some days I have to let go of it a billion and one times, but the more I let go of it, the more I am able to see just how many people I have in my life that fill that void of finding "the one." I would rather be surrounded by good friends and family, then be stuck with something that wasn't meant to be all along.
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