My heart pounded as I listened to what he was saying. Thinking and pondering over what it means to forgive. To put others first. To stop thinking about myself all the time, and how this affects me or my journey. A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought about the times that I have even recently put myself before others' thoughts or feelings. How many times I have had an attitude that I don't care about what someone is going through, or cease to see people for who they are.
This past week I knew of 4 people that passed away. Some of them I had lost contact with, and only know their present stories through others. One of them I found out today, was a self-inflicted fatal wound and it breaks my heart. I don't know how to process someone that I grew up watching live out their faith take their life. But you know what? I know what it feels like to be so deep in pain and sorrow that I don't want to keep going. I don't know who this person is today... I knew them 15 years ago. I am not sure of their present story, or what kind of sorrow happened to cause this end result. But I know they left behind people that loved them. They left behind a community of people that would have been there in a second if they had only known. What could have gone so wrong that this was the only choice? Do we really need to be adding to each other's hurt and pain? Do we really need to be putting others down at every turn?
As I ponder and think I want us all, mostly myself to realize what an impact my words have on others. Even though I say that I am not living for other people's opinions, my friends, my family, sometimes even complete strangers... what they think of me does matter. It matters, and sometimes I let it matter too much. Sometimes I take those words that are said in the heat of the moment, or in a joking way and I let them eat me up inside. I allow the things people have done to me, be a wall that keeps them out, instead of forgiving, and seeing who they were created to be. It makes me human. Because I think if we were all really honest, we would admit that we keep people at an arms length most of the time. We put up walls, so that we don't get hurt. We friend zone that person so that our heart doesn't get broken once again. We choose to not forgive, because it is easier than constantly being vulnerable enough to feel pain.
None of us are perfect. We do things, and say things that we shouldn't. I'm so guilty of failing every single day. I'm so guilty of saying one thing and doing another. Even this past weekend, I allowed myself to be in a situation that I knew wasn't going to be good for me, and I did it anyways. A lot of the time I focus on what I think is going to be good for me, especially in a temporary moment. I focus on what I think is the best thing, instead of putting my focus on God, and others. Instead of seeing things the way He does, I see them the way I want to.
My heart hurts right now as I continue to watch people that I know and love allow politics, name calling, and hatred come between them and those around them. It hurts me to listen to people make fun of those in a different political party, or a different social setting. It hurts me to not understand how people that I love and admire can want others to be hurt, and put down because of what they are standing for. We judge so harshly, don't we? We put on this air of being better than someone else because we think we have all the right answers and all the right views. We think that we know best what God has called us to, and what this life is like. But if we stopped for one second and thought before we spoke. If we stopped and looked into the eyes of the person that we are trying to argue with, and berate... if we stopped and asked ourselves what we see in them that is like Jesus. I think we would have a lot less room to criticize, and a lot more room for love.
I am not great at letting people in. In fact I am pretty good at shutting people out, and most of the time my heart stays pretty guarded. But in the quiet still moments I am able to understand that my life is better when I choose forgiveness and love. Life is better when I reach out to that person even though it is going to mean that I have to admit I was wrong. Or make the first move. I have made a dozens mistakes, even just today. But the best way I can live, is to show people how important they are in my life. Forgive people when they treat me horribly, and love beyond myself.
So.... today I choose those things.... forgiveness and love.
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