Saturday, February 24, 2018

Dealing with Loss

Tonight I mourn a friendship that I wish wasn't lost.  Tears continue to stream down my face, as I let my heart feel the loss.  We make choices in life, and some of those choices lead to awful losses.  We don't even realize at the time what kind of risk we are making, until it is too late.  My heart hurts SO bad.  I feel broken, and so hurt by this loss.  I want someone to blame, and as is most cases when some kind of loss happens, I am completely blaming myself.  Wishing that I was a stronger, more perfect person.  I continue to replay my actions in my head, and think if only I had done this, or that, then I wouldn't be heartbroken tonight.  If only I was a better person, or not this or that... then things would be different. 

I long for perfection.  I want to always make the right choices, the ones that are going to glorify God.  I fail a lot, and most of the time the consequences of that failure are very small.  Most of the time those consequences don't affect me too much.  They usually bring me down a peg or two, but then I am back making more mistakes within an hour or two. Not this time.  This time I feel it in my soul.  This time the hurt and pain is almost too much to bear.  For I didn't just lose a friend, I lost a really good friend.  The kind that pushed me to look deeper at myself.  The kind that I know would have been there for me no matter what.  With every loss it takes time to grieve.  It takes time to process, and I have to give myself that time.  I have to allow myself to know that the rejection isn't of God's love.  Rejection of men doesn't make me any less to God... but it sure does hurt.  It sure does make me second guess how I view myself, and my importance to this world. 

I know that I am here for a reason, I know that God's plans are SO much bigger than mine.  I also know that He will use this broken-heart for something wonderful later on.  I also know that He is there in the healing, in the moments when I don't think that I can get through it, or put the broken pieces back together, He grabs a hold of them, and makes them whole again. 

He is faithful, even when I am not.  He loves all of me, even the parts that often choose  things that are going to cause harm instead of good.  He surrounds me with arms that are open, no matter what kind of mess I bring to Him.  But sometimes it is hard to run into those arms when I feel like I just keep failing, and I will never be good enough.  It is SO hard to run into those arms when I feel like I made a mess yet again, by feeling too much. 

It is easier to run away.  All I want to do right now, is back up my bags and get on a plane.  I want to start over somewhere else, and put the hurt and pain away.  I'm really good at leaving.  I'm really good at putting up walls, and not letting anyone in.  When my heart feels broken, I long to go where it can heal.  I know that He will heal in the midst of this pain. 

Loss is a part of life.  Friends come and go.  We just have to remember the mark that they leave on us, and hope that if they leave, that one day they will return and it will be even  better than was before.  But we also take time to grieve, and heal.  For in the healing comes understanding, and change.  It is that change that will create something beautiful in the midst of loss and sadness. 

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