I feel like I write about trust a lot, because it is one of my biggest areas of struggle. Mostly because I have allowed people into my heart and my life that have hurt me a lot. I know this is a common theme in a lot of people's hearts and lives, I know I am not alone in my struggle. I know that in the deepest part of my soul I trust God with my whole heart, my whole being...but there are moments in time when I just forget to trust Him with everything.
I want to run ahead and scream I got it, I got it! All the while God is standing back staring at me the way I do my students sometimes when they jump out of their seat raising their hands wanting to answer a question I haven't even asked yet.
In those moments I don't trust God. In those moments I am wanting the control for myself. In those moments I forget what He has gotten me through before. I forget that He is faithful, and He has all the answers. I don't like to wait, I never have, because waiting means that I don't get what I want, when I want it. That's not fun, and sometimes in my human weakness it doesn't really seem fair either. I know that in those moments of waiting and trusting He is teaching me the most.
Sometimes in those moments I have the hardest time finding who I am in Him. I question everything that I have said or haven't said. I put myself down, and make a list of 20 million things that I am just not good at, or 20 million things that others are better at or ways they are more beautiful than me. In those moments I lose sight of Him, and I am focusing on me.
In reality it is not about the control that I want to maintain in my life, it is not about whether or not I said or did the right thing at the time. In reality it is about finding my beauty and strength in trusting that He is completely in control. Trusting that I can't mess up His plans for my life.
Isn't that what control and trust is truly about? Not wanting to mess it all up. Not wanting to make the biggest mistake of your life and lose the good things that He has planned.
I can't possibly know what He has in store. There is no way for me to know. I can pray, I can trust, and I can try to stop running ahead just to get those answers, when the questions haven't even been revealed yet. I find though that it is a moment-by-moment process. I can't ignore my head and my heart, but I also have to know that God is a God of love, grace and mercy. He knows my desires, He knows my heart, and He knows my struggles.
My trust has to be at the center of who I am, because at the center of that trust is a Savior that allows His love to shine through. Without that, I am lost. Without that I am fighting against something that I don't want to be fighting against. Without that Savior, I have nothing to even be in control over.
Today I put my trust in Him. I say once again that my life is His. That I believe that He has good plans for the future, and I have to trust that He is in control. I have to trust that I can't mess it up with my messy, selfishness. I have to trust that in His eyes I am worthy, loved and valued. I have to trust that in time what He wants will be revealed, but only in His time. I have to believe that He is bigger than all my sins, because after all, isn't that what trust really is?