Contentment has been coming to my mind a lot lately, especially this past week. I found myself wanting to just pack up and move, not because I wasn't content...but because I was beginning to be truly content and it scares me. It scares me to settle in this place, and not be looking for another job, and country to hop to. It scares me to build roots and attachments, because the more I allow people in, the more vulnerable I am and the more opportunities I have of getting hurt.
This week I wanted to run. I wanted to run away because I didn't want to feel pain, rejection and sadness. I didn't want to get too close, and risk losing what has been so generously given to me over the past few months. I wanted to cut the ties, before they cut me.
I heard it though....that still, quiet voice say... "No"
I knew that if I started looking for somewhere else to be, and something else to do, I would be going against what I should be doing right now. This is the first time in my life when I so clearly hear and know that I need to stay. This is the first time in my life I have been able to be intentional with people. God's love is truly overflowing out of me, and I want to be there for people. I want to get to know them, I want to hear their stories. I want to live authentic lives together. For the first time I am able to say yes to community, and no to my fear of rejection.
In these moments I realize that contentment isn't settling for less than what you want. Contentment doesn't mean that you go around with a fake smile on your face and pretend that everything is okay. Contentment means recognizing when prayer is being answered. Recognizing that there are good things in your life, and living in the moment with those people, loving what is happening right now.
Contentment sometimes means asking God why. Contentment sometimes means that you cry, scream, and recognize that life isn't fair. Contentment sometimes still questions, analyzes, and rejects what you don't necessarily want.
I don't know that I believe in being content all the time. I don't think that my God created me to just sit around and pretend to be happy when I am not. He created me to be an individual, compassionate adventurer, that desires to have people, especially someone to share my life with. Being content doesn't mean that I stop hoping, praying, and seeking out opportunities for that to happen.
I think being authentically content means looking around and recognizing the good that is in my life. Looking around and seeing that He has filled me up with people that love me, value me, and won't let me walk away without a fight. That is what being content means. Opening my eyes to see what He has given me, and living in the moment intentionally connecting with people on a real, authentic personal level.
I will no longer settle for mediocre contentment, because there is more to my life then just living from day to day. There are things that I need to see, to do, and to experience. Mediocre contentment is happy just impacting only a few lives everyday. Authentic contentment wants to change the world, because authentic contentment means admitting when you aren't content and doing something to change it.