My heart is pretty broken this morning. Mostly because I absolutely hate losing people. Sure I have moved away and lost touch with people, but it is not the same as having to completely just let go of someone out of my life, cut them off and know that there is probably not a chance that I will talk to them again. It breaks my heart. It hurts me in the deepest, rawest part of who I am, because it makes me feel like I failed.
This person has a way of making me feel guilty and manipulating me into taking on responsibility that honestly I know is not my mess to take on. I shouldn't let him speak lies to my heart, hidden as truths. I shouldn't allow his words to impact the amazing things that are happening in my life, yet I have and in this current moment I am.
Mostly I think it is because this person knows me. Although he knows the bitter, angry, sometimes unloving version of me, because when I am around him I am the absolute worst version of myself. I have known this for awhile, and I still allowed him to be a huge part of my life, even though we have absolutely nothing in common. Even though we literally were never good for each other. I allowed him to use and manipulate me because I wanted to be important to someone.
The truth is that you can't really be important to someone who has no idea of purpose for themselves. They can't see past their own needs and wants in order to actually connect with you on anything but a physical level. They are always searching for acknowledgement/love from people when really they should be getting it from God.
This letting go process started for me about a year ago, but I don't know that I truly understood how or why I had to completely let go until last night. Sometimes when you care about someone you have to just let them go. You have to say to your head and heart that the best thing for both of you is no contact at all. It doesn't make me a horrible person, but I have to take care of me. I have to be the best version of myself. I have to allow him to do life in whatever way that means for him.
The truth is that I can't change anyone but me. As much as I would like to, I just can't.
So today I let go, I give up all the expectations that I had for this person. I pray that someday he finds what he is searching for. I pray that someday he realizes the purposes for which he was created. I pray and I grieve. I grieve for a friendship/relationship that meant a lot to me. I grieve for the moments that will never come, and I grieve for the loss that I feel in my brokenness.
I am authentically letting go....