It always surprises me when conversations, things I read and sermons all revolve around the same theme. I am not sure why it surprises me, because it shouldn't. I shouldn't be surprised that the God of the universe cares enough about me to hit me over the head with the same message over and over again.
The past couple of weeks the word that keeps playing through my mind is the word HOPE. Today as I was sitting listening to the sermon I realized that my hope has been wavering. I find myself just lost in the fact that I know that God is good, and has good purposes...but I have lost the hope that he will answer certain prayers that I have. I have seemed to have become Herod in some issues of my heart and thought life. Allowing myself to crave the things of Herod instead of the things of Jesus.
We all have ugly things in our lives, past things, present things, and future things. Sometimes I feel like I get lost in the ugliness of the things that I just can't seem to let go of. I give in to them over and over again and I don't trust that God can help me get out. You know the things...those things that we struggle with that we are too embarrassed to admit to, or those things that if we actually said them out loud then it would be admitting that we really don't have control over anything.
I have found myself over the past few weeks, months, and years getting caught in a trap. The trap that I must focus on not being alone. Whether that means trying the latest dating site, dating someone that I know has no desire to follow God, or filling my time with meaningless activities just so I will not feel alone. My hope became complete in those people, things, and that time instead of being complete in Jesus. My focus became hoping in the future, instead of loving and living in the present. My hope became a hope for this world and the things of it, instead of a hope found in Him.
Today I had to ask myself "Who is King in my life, and what does my heart crave?" Do my thoughts throughout the day revolve around Jesus, or do I get lost in the kingdom of self-interest that oftentimes drives Jesus and hope away?
Hope in Jesus isn't easy, and sometimes it is pretty painful, because it takes waiting. In fact I think it takes a lot of waiting. It is really easy to compare to what others have and are doing and lose sight of what authentic hope truly looks like. Yet, because of a baby I can have hope, true hope, authentic hope. My doubt, fear, and uncertainty can be replaced with hope.
Do I choose to let it?
I think it is a daily, minute-by-minute choice. Asking myself, "Who is King of my life, and what does my heart crave?"
"God wants to continually add to us, to develop and enlarge us- always building on what He has already taught and built in us."