Facing the Giants in Silence

Tonight I deleted the FB App, IG App, and Tinder App from my phone.  Yes I have been dappling in Tinder for about a month now.  It has had its good times, and not so good times.  Last night I wrote this blog about the desires of my heart, and how I just feel this hole not being filled because I am single and childless.  Then  today it was like God met me exactly where I needed Him to.  He spoke straight to that blog, straight to my uncertainties, and you know what His answer was? His answer was that I had lost my focus.  Now, please do not misunderstand.  Last night I felt every singe word of what I wrote, and tonight I don't feel like it was a mistake or those feelings are invalid.  I just feel like God showed me exactly what was happening. 

I was allowing my giants to be bigger than my God.  I was seriously allowing myself to focus on all the bad.  I was allowing myself to go down this path of longing and searching for something that just isn't where my focus should be.  I don't believe that at this time God has taken the marriage/kids desire away from me, but He reminded me of what I am here for.  He reminded me that when I look at what I don't have, instead of what I do, then I cease to worship Him in the way that He wants me to. 

I have made so many mistakes in the past month.  Tonight I went to the Instrumental Praise performance at church and I just cried.  I cried because I am so unworthy of all that I have.  I cried because I have been so focused on myself, and what I want that I have allowed myself to give in to things that I shouldn't have.  I cried because I haven't loved the way I need to, but I also cried because God sees all of that.  He sees every single step that I have taken away from Him, and He still opens His arms back up for me to run into.

Do you ever get so focused on expectations of others, that you forget truths of who you are.   Those tears were for that reason tonight.  The rejection and pain of never being enough.  It cuts so deep sometimes that I allow that pain, that rejection to be what defines me.  Tears they aren't always about weakness.  Sometimes tears help you find your strength.  As I listened and watched tonight I just cried.  I cried because I have chosen to look around, instead of up.  I have chosen to waste time on social media, and chasing people that obviously don't want me in their lives.  I have chosen to put those people before my God. 

We lose focus a lot.   Especially when that certain person gets a hold of us.  They come into our lives like a freight train, trying to run us over.  It isn't always a relationship, it sometimes is just someone that you connect with on this level that you didn't even know you had.  Then before you know it, they are the ones you are focusing on instead of God.  Wondering if they value you as much as you value them, and then you are so focused on that you forget that your purpose is to share Him with the world. 

You start making excuses of why it is more important to open that FB app, then sit down and open your Bible.  You start to check Tinder more often than you are connecting with God.  Swiping right or left, instead of silently taking those minutes to pray for whoever God has for you.  Now I don't think there is anything wrong with swiping right or left, but if that is becoming my giant.  If that is becoming my hurdle that is keeping me away from where God wants me, then it isn't what I should be doing. 

So tonight as I worshiped, and cried, and opened up my heart to what God wants.  I realized that He wants my focus.  He doesn't just want it in the spare moments of time that I choose to give it to Him.  He wants my social media focus.  He wants me to long for news from Him, the way I long for my phone to chime saying I have a new message.  So until my longing for God matches my longing to know the latest FB gossip, I am going to stay off of it for awhile. 

I will probably fail a couple of times, but the beauty in failing is that He is there to catch me when I fall.  He is there to knock those giants down, and He will never cease to be there to let me back in His arms when I look up and remember the truths of whose I am. 



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxpVkbikDVQ