Life from Death...

This past weekend I spent my time at the True/False Film Fest.  As usual it will probably be the highlight of my year.  I thought that my next blog post would be about that experience, but instead I find myself thinking about a different topic.  The topic of life from death.  The topic of the resurrection.  The topic of this season that we are in right now. 


A couple weeks ago, I made a decision that continues to affect me on a daily basis.  It was through that decision that I realized that my life has a lot of crutches, and a lot of things that need to die in order to bring new life.  In order to be the best that I can be in the midst of grace and mercy. 


You know those things for yourself, right?  The things that you turn to instead of turning to God.  The things that you let slide by, because you are afraid if you don't have them that you won't be able to cope.  It was through a message that I sent to a friend the other day that I realized I was leaning way too much on one of these coping mechanisms to get me through life.  I had turned to this "crutch" to help me make it through the feelings that I was dealing with instead of looking up, and believing that no matter what happens, He has my best in mind. 


I think that the greatest journey in life is about learning to cope, and understanding how to live with joy through that coping.  I don't always get it right.  In fact most times I fail, and feel like an awful person that will never be able to choose the right things.  Even now I am about to make a decision that I know isn't the best one, and it is one that could have consequences later on, but I am choosing it because I need it to get through some emotional pain that I am dealing with. 


I think the worst that I could be is a person who pretends like she has it all together.  A person that comes across as perfect is not a true person.  Because we don't have it all together.  I am thankful for those people that see my weaknesses, and love me anyways.  I am thankful for this time when I can ponder over this season of death, and understand that there will always be things about myself that need to die.  There will always be ways that I could be more loving and kind.  There will always be ways that I could serve better, and with more authenticity. 


So, I take time to recognize those weaknesses, that make me ME.  I also take time to recognize how God's grace and mercy shines through me.  I am someone that loves hard.  I am a loyal friend, I always try to see the best in people until they hurt me beyond repair, and even then I usually let them stomp on me a little more.  I try to serve others with all of my heart, and sometimes that means that I lose a little of myself in the midst of serving.  But I am SO much stronger than I used to me.  I understand that I'm not always going to get it right.  I am going to make decisions that probably aren't ones I should be making, but those decisions will lead to beautiful things.  I just have to believe that. 


We have to let the dead stuff go sometimes.  It hurts in the moment.  Our crutches the things that are comfortable, they are easier.  We have made them easier, because we don't want to face our choices.  We want life to be perfect, but we don't want to have to do any of the hard work to get us there.  We choose to just see the pain instead of embracing the process.  I know that I am not the only one.  I see friends that are struggling, making choices that are only going to help them in the moment, not something that is going to stick for a lifetime. 


Today, I choose to let go of the dead.  I choose to see life, to breathe it in, and try my very hardest to not keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  To try my very hardest to not allow the crutch to keep me from walking along the twinkling shore.  To step outside of my box, let myself be vulnerable, and embrace the pain that comes with the growth.