Monday, March 12, 2018

Broken Friendships, and a Compassionate Heart

It wasn't until this past Thursday that I truly was able to see a little glimpse of the way God sees me.  It was through my BSF leader, and she said the words that I am the most compassionate person she has ever met.  Up until that moment I couldn't have put into words why I was the way I was.  I really have just been going through life thinking that I am this emotional ball of a mess.  I feel SO hard.  I take it SO personally when I lose people, or someone is hurting.  But up until that point, I thought that it was a flaw.  I hated it, and I hated feeling SO strongly about other people's pain.  It has cost me pain.  It has put me in situations where I have loved so hard that I lost.  But when she said those words, I realized that it is my gift.  I have been given the gift of compassion.  That doesn't always mean that I use it wisely, or that I even use it at all sometimes.  But I am able to feel strongly for those in tough situations.  I am able to put myself in their shoes and understand the pain and sorrow they are feeling.  This makes me a better person, maybe not always someone that you want to be around... but I will never trade in my loyalty of friendship for something better. 

I feel hard, so when I feel like a person has rejected me or lied to me, it breaks my heart.  It hits me in the deepest part of who I am, and it makes me want to build up a wall.  I am working on not building up walls anymore.  It is one of those things that I am most proud of that I have worked through.  But I also refuse to let someone hurt me beyond repair.  It has already happened a few times, and I won't let it happen again.  No person is going to have that kind of control over me. 

I hold all of my friends in high regard, especially those that I have confided in, and trusted.  I don't do well with people pretending to be my friend, or those that make me believe they are more of a friend than they actually are.  So, today I am having to let go of someone that I thought was one of those forever kind of friends.  I didn't know that anything could ever threaten and potentially ruin our friendship, but I guess it can.  I will continue to love this friend and be there for this person if they ever choose to reappear back into my life.  But for now I say good-bye, and hope the best for this person.  My heart cries out to know what I did to deserve this treatment.  I do realize that it isn't necessarily always about me, even when I feel like it is.  Sometimes it is about the other person and whatever they are going through. 

I know that this person won't read this, because they are avoiding me like the plague right now, but I hope that one day there is a time when our friendship can be what it once was.  I don't have any hope in that, but my heart hurts thinking of parting ways.  I think that is part of me though.  I don't think losing me as a friend affects people as much as me losing them does.  That is a hard thing to understand and take in, but I get it.  I'm not always an easy person to love, or maybe the one that you want to be seen with in public.  But let me tell you, I am an honest, caring friend.  I would sacrifice anything to help someone out friend or foe.. no matter what. 

I will never apologize for loving hard, and wanting people in my life.  The people that surround me are some of my greatest examples of what love is and what it does.  I am thankful for each person that has crossed my path whether it was for a moment, a decade, or a lifetime.  I will never regret moments that I spent talking, laughing, and hanging out.  I will never regret being your friend, for in those moments you helped me to understand more about grace, forgiveness and love. 

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