This post is going to be encouraging to some, and not so encouraging to others. Actually it might not even reach a lot of people because I'm not posting on FB right now, and I am not sure who will actually even read it. But I know that I need to write it.
Here's the thing, I thought I wanted to get married and have kids. I just don't know if I do anymore. I was talking to a friend last night, who is having some of the same feelings I am. The difference is that she has been married before. But I feel like we are still in a similar place. When I came back from Thailand, I was pretty much willing to accept anyone that crossed my path. In fact I did do just that. I let someone in because we connected, and I was happy for a little while. The happiness soon wore off and I was discontent with how I felt about this person. As I have continued to get older and grow in my faith... I have let my expectations and my list of what I want slowly dwindle away. Is it my lack of faith? Is it because I think I am not good enough? I am not sure.
I do know that I can't continue on this path. It occurred to me the other day that I am allowing myself to reach a point of just accepting whoever again. I'm doubting that there are any good God-fearing, men out there that have a steady job, and are willing to lead a home in the way that I need. I am doubting it, because I honestly have yet to meet one. Oh sure there are men with potential, and if I'm honest some that I find pretty stinking attractive. But if I'm also honest those same ones, have other qualities that just don't mesh with who I want to be trekking next to as I journey through the rest of my life.
Is marriage really the end all, be all? I mean the way that our culture portrays it, is that you aren't anything until you get married. You can say that you don't look down on your single friends in their 30's and 40's, but I guarantee you do. I guarantee that in some way you think that they are not enough of a person because they don't have a significant other. I challenge you to think that through. Don't just push what I am writing aside, because you don't want to believe it. Honestly examine yourself, and ask yourself if you hold your single friends in the same regards that you do your married ones.
So, these last couple of weeks, I have examined if I have just wanted those things, because they are the expectation. In some ways I think the answer is yes, and in others I don't agree. Even in the church I feel like everything revolves around couples, kids, and that being what makes this life worth it. If I never get married, and never have kids... is my life a waste? That's the question I have to ask myself. Not by other people's standards, but by my own. If that doesn't happen, then have I wasted my life?
My gut reaction is to say of course not, but when I really think about it.... I do think that if that never happens to me, at this moment in my life I will feel like I didn't live up to what I was supposed to live up to. That is something I am working through. That is something that EVERY SINGLE person you know is working through. There is always that chance that love will never happen.
You know what else I am working through? Being picky, and not giving in to just anyone that comes across my path. My journey has been unique, and with that unique journey I have learned to look at life, and love very differently from some people around me. Does that mean that I will never find love, or someone that I can journey along with? No it doesn't, but it does mean that my field has been narrowed by a lot. I don't have to feel bad for being picky. I don't have to feel bad when a date doesn't work out, or when I feel like that guy has rejected me. Because the thing is that there might be someone out there even better. Or there might not. But I don't want the might not to make me feel like my life wasn't lived the way it should be.
Sometimes dating is fun, and other times it makes me cry, shout, and want to move to another country. That's where I am these days, just wanting to pack up and move. I am not sure what the future holds, and it might hold a move to another country again, or I might be permanently settling down. But I do know that I am not going to feel bad for having high standards, or saying no to second third, and fourth dates because I don't feel like it is the right one for me. People are my passion. I love people of all kinds, backgrounds, cultures, shapes, ages. I am here to hear their stories, and help them achieve all that they are seeking. I won't allow my love for people to be disrupted or tainted because of this expectation of finding the perfect person.
My calling is people, and if I can show love to one person a day, that doesn't feel love... then THAT is what makes my life meaningful. So, I might be single forever, I might never find someone who loves me for me, and wants to work through things for the rest of our lives. It's going to take me awhile to let that concept be my truth, because I have fought it for so long, and my heart isn't there yet. But I will get there. In the meantime, I grieve what could have been, hope for what still could be, but realize that the best I can do is love others, and serve well for today.