Almost 40, a puppy, and a pandemic...

 I turned 39 over a week ago.  It was a great weekend full of hiking, camping, friends/family, my puppy, and LOTS of BUG BITES!  

I hate bug bites.  I hate them with a passion, and my skin looks awful right now.  But you know what bug bites remind me of?  They remind me that there is healing.  That healing doesn't always take just a few quick moments, but can sometimes take longer then expected.  This birthday was the 3rd birthday that I have had since the birthday that pretty much made me wish to never have a birthday again.  

But as I reflect and think upon how quickly life can change.  I am so very thankful for what I have been through.  I've learned that the people worth keeping... well those people see your faults and love you anyways.  They are there for you even if you don't have an ounce of self-worth.  They see the you that is deep inside the walls that you have build and they love you to the core of who you are.  

I have learned that I am sometimes a very poor judge of character.  I believe what people say most of the time.  So when someone tells me that they love me, or that they like me for who I am.  Well.. I tend to believe them.  But I am learning that people don't always tell the truth.  You would think I would have learned that a long time  ago.  But honestly... I really truly want to believe what people say.  Unfortunately this world is full of people that just want to use you when they are lonely, or can get something out of you.  

So in this next year.. I want to do what I can to be the best version of me.  I wish I was celebrating this next year with someone by my side.  But that is not where my story is.  I don't know what the future holds, but I sure am thankful for exactly where I am right now.  

I'm okay going camping and hiking by myself.  I have a new puppy, and he has proven to be one of the best companions I have ever had.  I'm thankful that he's in my life, and is going to help me  welcome my 40's.  

If I'm honest there's someone in my life that I wish it would have turned into something else.  But it hasn't... and you know what?  That is okay.  Because I'm not desperate.  I want someone that wants to be with me because they love all of me... not just because the other person didn't work out for them.  

I turned 39 in the midst of a pandemic.  But you know what?  There is so much on the horizon that I can't help but feel thankful for what is going to happen  in the future.  So..  I'm trying to blog once a week...  here's my first one... we will see how this goes!  

40 B4 40 Updated!

 When I was 36 I made a list of things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go before I turned 40.  At the time it seemed like 40 was SO far away!  Now....  I turn 39 a week from today.  I look at that list and I think....  it was a good list... I didn't accomplish most of what I wanted to... but mostly because of money.  Some because of discipline, and a lot because I just didn't have as much time  as I hoped I would.  So I am making a new list....  one that I feel confident I can accomplish this next year.  I am going to work really hard to accomplish it.  Here it is!  

#1 Learn how to fly fish

#2 Visit at least 10 different MO state parks that I have not already been to

#3 Send 5 pieces of real mail each month

#4 Walk 30 minutes everyday for 365 days

#5 Knit a blanket

#6 Go on a multi-day backpacking trip

#7  Journal everyday

#8 Read 52 books

#9 Take tennis lessons

#10 Run a 1/2 marathon

#11 Get a bike

#12 Go to a race (car not horse)

#13 Pay down debt

#14 Go to 5 museums/historic landmarks I haven't been to

#15 Blog once a week

#16 Minimize my stuff/clothes

#17 Drive down the Pacific Coast Highway

#18 Paint/craft once a month

#19 Listen to 4 podcasts a month

#20 Write my book

#21 Connect with family once a week

#22 Connect with close friends once a month

#23 Take horseback riding lessons

#24 Research gardening, and have a garden plan for a box garden or future garden

#25 Make a new dish once a month

#26 Host a multi-course dinner party with food made from scratch

#27 Get finances in order, write a will

#28 Get my passport renewed

#29 Do a Jen session 5/7 days a week

#30 Have a tech free day once a month

#31 Get my hair professionally dyed a crazy color (aqua or pin)

#32 Go to a spa or hot springs

#33 Take a baking class

#34 Take steps to become a respite/foster parent, and have my first kid(s)

#35 Visit 3 new states

#36 Complete 5 random acts of kindness each month

#37 Hike 10 new trails

#38 Practice Yoga 1-2 times each week

#39 Get a new tattoo

#40 Plan and execute my 40th birthday trip

I tried to mix up this list to not have everything cost money!  So hopefully I can accomplish all of these things by next year!  

The Old 40 Before 40!

This is a great list.... unfortunately not everything got accomplished.... and probably won't be in the next year... but you know what?  That's okay!  We don't always get to do everything... so... some of them might show up on the 50 before 50 list!  

 1.  Renaissance Festival   (completed Fall 2017)

2.  New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3.  Pay Down Student Loans
4.  Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5.  See a show at the Fox  (This happened December 2019)  I saw STOMP!  
6.  Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7.  Hike some of the PCT and AT
8.  Get in the best shape of my life.
9.  Go to 5 famous art museums
               a.  Metropolitan Museum of Art
               b.  Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
               c.  National Gallery of Art  (Wash DC)
               d.  Cleveland Museum of Art
               e.  Art Institute of Chicago
10.  Visit Napa Valley
11.  Go on a cruise
12.  Learn how to cook risotto
13.  Go to a racetrack
14.  Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15.  Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16.  Learn to Quilt  ( I at least started this)  
17.  Read 100 Books  (Yes!  I have pretty much completed this) 
18.  Have a Spa Day
19.  Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20.  See the Northern Lights
21.  Go to all 50 states
22.  Complete 5, 5K's
23.  Complete 5, 10K's
24.  Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26.  Watch every film on AFI top 100
27.  Write and publish a book
28.  Take 4 solitude retreats
29.  Have a signature dish
30.  Go for High Tea
31.  Sleep in a Haunted House
32.  Practice Yoga and Meditation
33.  Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34.  Blog More Often
35.  Send 10 handmade cards a year
36.  Simplify my life
37.  Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38.  Take an Art Class
39.  Be all in for my business
40.  Start a mini-garden

Turning 39....

 In 10 days I turn 39....  It is so crazy to think how quickly time flies by.  This past year has been super weird.  I had a lot of things I wanted to do before I turned 40... but I haven't really accomplished a lot of them.  So... I am scratching my 40 before 40..... and I am making a list of things to do before my next birthday.  It is a better list I think.....  one that I can manage a little more.  But I will look back on my previous list and see what I have accomplished.. and who knows.  Maybe some of those things will make it onto my 50 before 50 list!  

I am going to do a little reflecting on my 30's next week, but I want to do a little now as well.  

When think about where I was 10 years ago... when I was turning 29...  It makes me just think about so many good parts of my life.  I was living in Thailand.  It was my second or third year there.  I went to this very nice fancy Indian Restaurant with a whole group of teachers.  It was so much fun, probably one of my very favorite birthdays.  I felt loved, celebrated, and like I had really good friends.  I didn't start my 30's in Thailand, but being in Thailand helped shape who I was in my 30's.  Being in Thailand was one of the greatest things I have ever and probably will ever do in my life.  

In the last decade I have lived in the United States mostly.  I have made really good friends, I have lost really good friends.  I have learned more about who I am, and what I want to tolerate.  I have been able to be more of who I was meant to be.  

So in this next year I want to take time to continue to grow in the ways that I need to.  I want to take time to learn more about what this next decade is going to bring.  I want to live life to the fullest.  And honestly I want to just live.... not worried about what other people think....  Even if that means I live alone.  

When insecurity fails you....

 Sometimes I get so lost in insecurity that I can barely see my way out of it.  I try so hard to be strong.  I try so hard to know who I am and live in that strength and power.  But there are times when the past creeps in and knocks me down.  There are times when I need reassurances... and people we tend to not want to give reassurances.  We tend to want people to take us for what we say and if they don't then we think they are playing games or trying to manipulate the situation.  

I have a lot of insecurities... some of them I wear openly and I let people know.  Others I keep hidden deep inside, only for my very closest friends to find.  Then there are others that know one knows about.  

Sometimes I let someone in, to look past the outside... see the depth of who I am.  A lot of times I regret it.  A lot of times they don't know how to handle all that is me.  

I'm learning to be okay with it.  I'm learning that all of me is worth it.  I might have some insecurities, and those might cause people to not want to try past a certain point... but I am worth it.  

It's a part of who I am, a part that I am working on.... so I will continue to learn and grow.  I will continue to try to be okay with who I am and the people in my life and believe that I am important to them just because of who I am.  

But I am also going to let people go that can't handle my insecurities.  

On friendship, quarantine, and all the things of 2020

What in the world... this year is crazy!  I have been working from home since March 17th....  When I left my office that day I had no idea that on  July 26th we would still be working from home.  It has definitely impacted my work, my life, and how I am viewing the world around me.  I want this to be a reminder to me in the years to come of all that has transpired during this time.  I'm learning so much... about myself, and others.  I am learning about what I want to put time and energy into and what I don't.  I am also learning that I am okay with exactly where I am.  I am not desperate... and I am not going to put forth energy and effort where it isn't wanted or reciprocated.

I spent a lot of the Fall of 2019, and Spring of 2020 putting energy and time into a few people that I have learned do not care about me at all.  Or maybe they think they care, but they honestly only want to take from me, and not give anything.  It has taken me awhile to come to terms with this... and I really want to believe the best of them.. but the reality is that they are users.  They created in me a false sense of security and hope.  Saying the right things to make me think that they are in fact my friends but in reality... I am just another person to throw away.

There's no pity party here.  Because the thing is that I have realized that in the ups and downs of those relationships I am worthy of people that truly want to be in my life.  I am worthy of people that I can have genuine conversations with and not be made fun of or put down for what I believe.  I'm in this place where I am seeking out genuine friendships.  Friendships that will go into my 40's and beyond.  Friendships that don't have pettiness involved.  Friendships where I can actually count on the people to answer when I call.  Friendships where if I ask you to do me a favor, you go out of your way to do it and vice versa.  That's what my desire is, and as I gear up for my last year in my 30's... I don't long to go out of my way for people that will stop calling the minute they find "better" friends.

I'm a helper, it's what I do.  I long to help, until you push me to where I just don't care anymore.  I feel like that is where I am right now with a lot of people.  There's quite a few that have pushed me to just not care.… because they have done nothing to be a friend to me.

Earlier this year I found out that a man that I loved passed away.  All I wanted to grieve that was for a few good friends to want to spend time with me, and help me through it.  I'm thankful for a coupe people that did.  But the one that didn't.... well it hurt, but it helped me realize that friendship truly meant nothing to him to begin with.

So in the year 2020... I am truly understanding what it means to be there for other people.  I am learning what it means to have people use you.  I am also learning what it means to be a hateful Christian.

You can't open up social media right now without seeing something political.  From masks, to BLM there is a war waging.  It is crazy to me how every single Republican Christian  thinks that Christians can only be Republican.  It is amazing to me how every Democrat thinks that there can't be any good Christian Republicans.  I hate both sides.... like with a passion.  I hate that people think that our President is actually doing a good job.  I hate that people don't understand that you can support Black Lives Matter, and still support the police officers that are caring, compassionate and kind human beings.

It makes me  want to pack up my stuff and go live far, far away.

The other thing that happened the other day a friend who lives overseas posted something pertaining to an ad that was about soft towels.  She made it seem like that is the only thing "Americans" care about, and that just struck me.

Here's the thing....  I do not categorize people... at least I try not to.  So for people to think that their life is "harder" or they are better than me because they are living this life where they may not have all the conveniences of America... well I'm just not a fan of that.  Everyone is doing the best that they can.  We have all been given the life that we are supposed to live.   Some of us are able to live on the other side of the world, enduring that life.. because there are things that we need to learn while we are over there.  I know that was the case for me.  But I am NEVER going to judge people because I have lived in another place and they haven't.

We have to be careful... those of us that claim Jesus.  Sometimes I want to stop believing in Him because there are so many people ruining His name.  There are so many people that are hurting others in His name...and it makes me sick!  No wonder people leave the faith all the time.....

So.... 2020 is a year that I will remember as a year of defining my faith, my friendships, and the direction of my life.....

Stuck in a World Where No One Cares

This post has been brewing for awhile.  But I have been trying to get to a place where I can write it with clarity and compassion.  I finally just decided that I might not be able to do either of those things right now.  We have so much going on in our country.  If we could all just see things from other people's perspectives, like really see things we might be able to compromise on some things.  But instead we have people retweeting white supremacy videos... we have people threatening to shoot people in parking lots, we have so much unrest that we just live with it and accept it.  We also have so many people looking down on others because they aren't as far along in their journey as they want them to be.  Mostly it is just a really negative world to be in right now.

Don't get me wrong I know that it is never going to be sunshine and rainbows.  Unfortunately we are all human, and what I just can't understand is why we can't love each other.

It always has to be Republican this or Democrat that.  I am so sick of party lines.  I am so sick of people that can't look beyond party lines.  I am done with it.  Not all Republicans are racist/conservative awful people.  Not all Democrats are snowflake, liberals that want to take away all guns.  Like can we just for once look at people as people?  Why is it that some of the people I have grown up knowing are the ones that can't see beyond party lines?  I just don't understand.  And for the record I am talking about people on both sides Red, and Blue.

Do you honestly think that you are bringing good into the world by all of the conservative/liberal bull crap you continue to post or say?  There is so much hate... but frankly I see it coming from my church-going conservative friends/family more then I see it from the other side.

So.... here's what I have to say...

Jesus was not aligned to any party line.  Party lines have more issues than just abortion, and gay marriage.  Party lines will not get you into heaven.  Party lines are pretty much in my opinion a bunch of bull crap.  If people looked at the actual person instead of party lines, we might be heading in a different direction then we are today!

Some of you still won't agree with me... and that's okay.  You know why?  Because I don't live my life for people to agree with me.  But you know what I also won't do?  I won't name call, I won't look down on you because you are in a different part of the journey then I am.  I won't make myself smaller so that you can fill taller.  I won't do it.  I have in the past.  I have been SO afraid of losing people that I have shrunk myself.  I have not been the authentic person I should have because I thought I was too much.  But you know what?  I'm not!  I'm not too much!

So here I am stuck in a world where no one cares.  Not that no one cares at all, but we have stopped caring about being mean to each other.  Social media and our current leadership has made it the norm to name call, put people down, and just be mean.

I pride myself in being an empath, caring, compassionate person.  But I am learning lately that doesn't mean that I have to be there for people that only want to be mean.  That doesn't mean that I have to continue to allow people to be in my life if they don't add to it.  Boundaries... .oh am I learning a lot about those.

Sometimes we have to put up some walls to make people understand that we won't be treated the way they have been treating us.  It might be lonely for awhile.... but it will be worth it.

Can we be people that care?  Can we learn how to disagree with love and compassion, instead of name calling, and putting everyone who doesn't agree with us in the category of "conservative" or "liberal?" Can we understand that love means loving everyone.... that we don't get to play Jesus.  Can we see where people are coming from without agreeing with them?  Can we be kind?

I am going to pray that I am able to be more kind, compassionate and caring in a way that allows me to still have boundaries, and not let people use me.  It is not going to happen overnight.... just like all of us being kinder won't... but you know what?

I don't want to live in a world where people see Christians and think they are all racist, bigots.  If that is what the church is becoming, then I am out!

So I am going to live like Jesus.  I am going to love people for who they are.  I am going to know that people will let me down.... and I am going to try my hardest to be the most compassionate person I can.  Because I hope one day to live in a World Where People Care.....  like actually care.  And by that I mean that the name-calling, memes have stopped.  They aren't funny or kind.....  I truly hope that this next generation can be the one that sees beyond differences and loves outside of themselves...