What in the world... this year is crazy! I have been working from home since March 17th.... When I left my office that day I had no idea that on July 26th we would still be working from home. It has definitely impacted my work, my life, and how I am viewing the world around me. I want this to be a reminder to me in the years to come of all that has transpired during this time. I'm learning so much... about myself, and others. I am learning about what I want to put time and energy into and what I don't. I am also learning that I am okay with exactly where I am. I am not desperate... and I am not going to put forth energy and effort where it isn't wanted or reciprocated.
I spent a lot of the Fall of 2019, and Spring of 2020 putting energy and time into a few people that I have learned do not care about me at all. Or maybe they think they care, but they honestly only want to take from me, and not give anything. It has taken me awhile to come to terms with this... and I really want to believe the best of them.. but the reality is that they are users. They created in me a false sense of security and hope. Saying the right things to make me think that they are in fact my friends but in reality... I am just another person to throw away.
There's no pity party here. Because the thing is that I have realized that in the ups and downs of those relationships I am worthy of people that truly want to be in my life. I am worthy of people that I can have genuine conversations with and not be made fun of or put down for what I believe. I'm in this place where I am seeking out genuine friendships. Friendships that will go into my 40's and beyond. Friendships that don't have pettiness involved. Friendships where I can actually count on the people to answer when I call. Friendships where if I ask you to do me a favor, you go out of your way to do it and vice versa. That's what my desire is, and as I gear up for my last year in my 30's... I don't long to go out of my way for people that will stop calling the minute they find "better" friends.
I'm a helper, it's what I do. I long to help, until you push me to where I just don't care anymore. I feel like that is where I am right now with a lot of people. There's quite a few that have pushed me to just not care.… because they have done nothing to be a friend to me.
Earlier this year I found out that a man that I loved passed away. All I wanted to grieve that was for a few good friends to want to spend time with me, and help me through it. I'm thankful for a coupe people that did. But the one that didn't.... well it hurt, but it helped me realize that friendship truly meant nothing to him to begin with.
So in the year 2020... I am truly understanding what it means to be there for other people. I am learning what it means to have people use you. I am also learning what it means to be a hateful Christian.
You can't open up social media right now without seeing something political. From masks, to BLM there is a war waging. It is crazy to me how every single Republican Christian thinks that Christians can only be Republican. It is amazing to me how every Democrat thinks that there can't be any good Christian Republicans. I hate both sides.... like with a passion. I hate that people think that our President is actually doing a good job. I hate that people don't understand that you can support Black Lives Matter, and still support the police officers that are caring, compassionate and kind human beings.
It makes me want to pack up my stuff and go live far, far away.
The other thing that happened the other day a friend who lives overseas posted something pertaining to an ad that was about soft towels. She made it seem like that is the only thing "Americans" care about, and that just struck me.
Here's the thing.... I do not categorize people... at least I try not to. So for people to think that their life is "harder" or they are better than me because they are living this life where they may not have all the conveniences of America... well I'm just not a fan of that. Everyone is doing the best that they can. We have all been given the life that we are supposed to live. Some of us are able to live on the other side of the world, enduring that life.. because there are things that we need to learn while we are over there. I know that was the case for me. But I am NEVER going to judge people because I have lived in another place and they haven't.
We have to be careful... those of us that claim Jesus. Sometimes I want to stop believing in Him because there are so many people ruining His name. There are so many people that are hurting others in His name...and it makes me sick! No wonder people leave the faith all the time.....
So.... 2020 is a year that I will remember as a year of defining my faith, my friendships, and the direction of my life.....
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