Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Why I'm starting 2020 on January 8th....

I have great goals/dreams for 2020.  I think I made a post about them even.  But I also decided for myself that I was going to give myself the first 7 days to just be in 2020.  There's so much pressure to start the new year out in this awesome, amazing way, and sometimes it is okay to start it out quietly reflecting on life's choices and decisions.  So... I kind of inched my way into 2020.  I spent a lot of my break by myself.  It wasn't a bad break, it just wasn't really the one I had planned on.  I did get a lot done though!  Yay!

My storage unit is cleaned out, and I have thrown away at least 7 bags full of stuff.  Probably more like 10-15, but who's counting?  Okay... I guess I am.

What's the point of this post?  I guess just to say that if you like me are starting 2020 out slowly.. know that it's okay.  I had a friend the other day post something on FB about how we have to tell people why we are doing this or that.  We have to give them a reason.  I have to say that the me of 2020, really just doesn't see that as necessary.  Sure I want to be able to be kind to people... but I am absolutely tired of explaining myself.  I do it a lot... because at the core of who I am.. I want people to love and accept me.  When I feel like they don't then I want to explain my actions.  But frankly, I am tired of second guessing myself, and trying to prove that I am a good friend, and worthy of people's time.

People make time for who they want to make time for... it's as simple as that.  If I invite you somewhere and you don't respond, then that is a response to me.  We live in world full of flaky people who are mostly out for themselves.  I try to live my life the opposite of that, and for that reason I get hurt a lot.  But I am not going to change who I am.  I will continue to go out of my way and reach out to people.... but it probably just won't be as frequently.  And if I feel like you are pulling away from me, then I am probably going to let you go.  Not because I don't love you, but because at the core of who I am, I need to know that you value and love me.  I  need to be able to be confident in that.  How do I know that?  Spending time with me, making time for me.  Texts, calls, responding when I invite you somewhere.  All of those things help me to know that I mean something to you.  Actually asking how I am doing.  Not just getting in touch with me because you want something from me, but because you genuinely care.

I guess that is part of slowly going into 2020.  Being aware of who I want to invest time into.  Because my time is important, and I invest in people that I love.  But I also want that time to be invested back.  If you aren't really into friendship with me, or whatever then.... neither of us should be wasting our time.

I guess that's been on my heart a lot in the past 6 months or so, and it just all came to a head over the last week.  I want to transform my life this year.  Part of that transformation is being aware that I don't have to sacrifice so much of my heart or time for people that don't really want it.

So... here's to a new year.... and slowly making my way one day, one goal at a time.  May everyday bring adventure, love, and a new perspective!

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