Sunday, December 31, 2017

A Not so Energetic New Year...

Currently my New Year's situation is me sitting on my computer, about to fix myself what will probably be my only drink of the night, in hopes that I can make it to at least 10:00 pm. I don't have high hopes that will actually take place, but a girl can try... right?  Tonight was supposed to be a night of prayer and worship with some friends.  I had planned it a month ago, and it was exactly how I wanted to ring in 2018.  So, getting sick on Thursday and being sick for the remainder of this weekend was not exactly what I had in mind.  Isn't that typical though?  When we find ourselves at the end of our rope, we keep pushing until we almost break from exhaustion.  I think that is where I was.  I have been going at lightening speed for the past few months.  Volunteering, working, working, hanging out with people, and then working some more.  It isn't all bad things, in fact most of it is really good, but I have found myself exhausted, and not getting to spend the time with God that I want.  Also not just getting to rest, and have moments of silence.  I need moments of silence sometimes in order to hear my heart, and know the choices that I need to be making. 

2017 was quite the year.  It was a hard year, it was a trying year, and it was a year of a lot of risks.  I have written about those risks before, but I just really feel like tonight I need to write more.  You see in 2017 I thought that I had to be willing to risk whatever in order to find that guy, in order to get that perfect job, in order to be happy.  I thought that until I really risked everything I was going to continue on this path of self discovery, and never be satisfied with the answer.  As I reflect on this year it wasn't necessarily about the risks that I took, but about being willing to take those risks.  I think some risks that happened were risks that shouldn't have been risks at all, but you know what we continue to learn from those, don't we?  What I think the biggest risks sometimes are the risks that we take in discovering what we are willing to put up with, and what we really truly have no room for in our lives.  For instance I know that I really don't have room in my life for people that make fun of others because of disabilities, race, political affiliation, or economic status.  I don't do well with people referring to another person by a name just because of the way they look, what they believe or where they come from.  I will never be okay with that.  But I was almost willing to risk those beliefs in order to have someone.  I was almost willing to risk my heart in order to live the "American Dream."  That in my opinion is not worth the risk at all.  I almost risked my safety in order to feel good for a little while.  Definitely a risk that also wasn't worth it.  We each have our own set of beliefs.  Some of us feel very strongly about them, while others of us feel strongly about the way others are treated rather than always adhering to a certain political party line.  As I reflect on this past year, I ask myself... Did I risk too much?  Maybe I did?  But all the risks I took helped me to become who I am right now.  I am stronger, braver, and more compassionate than I was at the beginning of this year.  I am a better person, one day I will be a better girlfriend, wife, and mother because of the risks that I took this year.  I have no doubt that there were things that happened that I wish wouldn't have happened.  I have no doubt that God was sometimes standing on the sidelines ready to step in if only I would have reached out my hand to let him.  But you know what I also know?  He was there every single time I needed Him to catch my fall.  And that was a lot! 

So I leave 2017 behind....  I leave all the hurt, pain, drama, toxicity, gossip, slander, and people that couldn't stay in my life.  I leave all of it behind, allowing what needs to change me to change me, and what doesn't to pass away with the year. 

I look at 2018, with renewed compassion and strength.  Opening up my heart to what is to come.  This year will be different, for I am not going  to risk my heart again.  I am going to keep it close.  I am going to dive into the Word, I am going  to meet God everyday in hopes that I will be able to glean more from Him, and understand Him more.  I am going to serve my community, my friends, my family so that they know that they are loved, and valued.  I am going to focus on His faithfulness, love and mercy, rather than my own feelings.  I know that there will be days when I will fail.  I know that just like this year there will be days when I make awful choices.  Choices that involve ex boyfriends, or guys that I should no longer talk to.  Choices that involve people that I know I shouldn't trust with my secrets.  I know that I am going to fail at being loving and kind.  The difference this year is that I know that I long for those things to happen.  The difference this year is that my focus is in the right place. 

May 2018 be full of intentional living for God.  May I take time to rest, read, and understand who He is.  May I make time for those close to me, and getting to know people's stories.  I believe the greatest disadvantage I can do for myself and my community is to be so busy that I don't have time to listen to people's stories, or that I judge someone before I know who they truly are.  We all have demons, we all have things in our lives that we keep hidden away.  I know I do.  I so often have things that I dread anyone finding out about.  So may this year be the year that those things no longer stay hidden.  May I be real, authentically real, and open up in ways that I never have before while keeping my heart hidden in His love and protection. 

I'm thankful for a new year.  I am thankful for new opportunities of growth.  I am thankful that I don't have to be perfect.  I am thankful that all of my faults are nothing in His eyes.  I am thankful that I am loved even when I get nothing right.  I am thankful for new beginnings, and the opportunity to be there for people in my community.  May 2018 be a year that I remember as the year I learned to serve with my whole heart, and God's overflowing, unconditional love. 

No comments: