Yesterday was pretty awful. For some reason this week has been one of those emotional roller coaster kinds of weeks. I have jumped to conclusions multiple times, written off someone that I probably shouldn't have, and compared myself to just about everyone around me.... allowing myself to come up with the short straw in every situation. It isn't that I like feeling this way, it is just that sometimes I have to be stuck in this moment in order to grow, learn, and be ready for the next challenge.
I have a prayer app on my phone, and it is what I listen to on the way to work. I absolutely love it, because it has music, scripture, prayer, and then more scripture. It is the perfect combination of getting my thoughts focused where they need to be, so that I can start my day off the way I need to. The app this morning talked about going to God no matter how we were feeling. Going to Him when we don't feel like praying, when we are doubting that He wants to answer us, and when we are all up in our feelings.
So, this morning I went to Him, and I let Him know that I was having some pretty big doubts. Not about who He is, but about who I am. It seems that my human nature is to focus on God for a little while, and then get distracted by all that is going on around me. So much so that I compare myself to others, and lose sight of who God made me to be. You see I have this crazy habit of analyzing EVERYTHING! I literally go through every possible scenario in my head, and try to figure out what someone else is thinking. Maybe I should check back into that Psychology degree after all!
But God is calling me to stop my analyzing, and just let Him work things out. I want to be in control, and I want things to happen in my timing. But he is definitely telling me that I need to let Him have it. Sometimes I try to build walls that even God can't see over, but the thing is that He sees everything. He sees the moments when I love so hard that I give too much. He sees the moments when I fail to be there for someone that needs me. He sees the moments when I long to have my heart's desire received. He sees the laughter, and tears. He knows my name, He knows every step I will take, and all the doubts and fears that control me. He just wants me to let Him take it.
Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to see myself the way God does? Because I am human, because I don't always get things right, and because I am my own worst critic. The thing is that in God's eyes, he doesn't just see my potential. He doesn't compare me to this person or that. He sees who I was created to be. He sees in me the seeds that will be planted, the lives that will be touched, the love that will be shared. He also sees in me, my worst mistakes, and loves me through them.
I can never build a wall up high enough to keep God out. He won't let me. I also know that I can push God away, and He never lets go. One day I hope that someone comes into my life and shows me that no matter how far away I push them, they will never let go. I am going to strive to be that person. In those moments when I feel like not reaching out anymore, I am going to keep reaching out.
God wants my doubts, fears, and uncertainties. He wants them because then He gets to get rid of them. He gets to show me more of himself through the people that surround me. Every time I let someone in past the wall, then I am allowing them to see be in a place where God dwells most. When we are vulnerable with our doubts and fears, that is when people are able to come alongside us, and help us the most.
I know that my doubts and fears about myself create needs in me that are sometimes too much, but the good thing is that God sees that and continues to put people in my life that help me to see beyond those doubts and fears.
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