It never fails that after I have an Epic adventure where I connect with people on this spiritual level, and break down some of the walls I had built up something happens to put me in this state of emotional blahness, and I want to build those walls back up, and not let people in. Because usually when I break down walls, somehow I end up getting hurt, and I don't like getting hurt. I don't like it one bit.
The thing is that sometimes being vulnerable and loving hard is the only real way to understand God's love. It's the only real way to move past shallow conversations, and become intimately involved in understanding a person to their core. We don't often move into that intimate relationship with people. I think a lot of times we are too scared, and too afraid of what it could bring...because what happens when they leave, or hurt us? Then we feel broken and afraid. We feel like we can't trust, and that we will never be able to trust again.
We are supposed to be learning more about God from each other. How can we do that if we never move into a state of vulnerability in relationships? How can we do that if we always keep people at arm's link? God's love accepts everyone. No matter what color, size, marital status, sexual identity, class, position, or popularity. God's love doesn't care, He is for EVERYONE. But so often I get lost in the thoughts of the world, where my worth is determined by those around me. I get lost in my expectations of others and how they treat me. So often I lack vulnerability in order to protect myself from love.
I had some epic moments this past weekend, where I felt so loved, and thankful. I opened up and let that wall be tore down a little bit more. Then I had a couple moments where my vulnerability and emotions got the better of me. In those quiet moments I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to cease to hope in future things, and I wanted to change my course so that I would once again be protected by the cocoon I often cover myself with.
I'm not going to do it though. I am not going to get hurt, and run away, because there's so much to do here. There is so much that I have to be a part of. I am going to be vulnerable. I am going to love hard, and I am going to give of myself in order to move past shallow conversations, and unintentional friendship. Knowing God more through other people is worth it to me. It is worth getting hurt, it's worth breaking down walls. It's worth people trying to ruin me, because the thing is that at the end of the day I know who I am and what I'm worth.
I've had this conversation with a couple people recently, and I am in this state of once again hating being single. It feels really awful to me, and I can't seem to get out of the funk that I am in. I feel like somehow not having ever been married, and having kids I somehow missed the boat, and it makes me feel less than. I know that I have had experiences in my life that not everyone has had. I know that these experiences have allowed me to meet people, to grow and learn about cultures in other places. It has shaped me into who I am. I know all of these things are true, but I still feel like somehow not having experienced that love of one other person who loves you no matter what...somehow it makes me feel like I am missing this huge part of God.
I don't want it to keep me from knowing God fully. I don't want my singleness to be a hindrance. I also am sick of hearing people say well just stop looking for it. That is like telling someone who craves to have a child to stop wanting one, or someone who would love to have a glimpse into a free life to stop longing for that. We were made for companionship, right? We were made to have someone in our lives, to share life with, to reproduce, and to understand God's love through that person.
I don't know what the right answer is, but I know that in the midst of community, or vulnerability, I find myself being full in a different way. I find myself learning about love, and wanting more of it. I find myself wanting to let down walls that I have never before wanted to see crumble. I find myself opening up, and telling others about my faith in a way that I never wanted to before. I find myself enjoying life, and worshipping throughout my day.
So, maybe there is just going to have to be this hole that goes unfilled. Maybe one day it will be filled and I will understand why it had to stay open so long. But for now I choose vulnerability, love and stepping outside of the box that I like to so often hide in. Right now I am going to choose to serve and see God in the people I meet. To be a part of something greater, the chance at true intentional community... not just the outside appearance of it. Maybe God is preparing me for something else, but maybe what he has been preparing me for is here, and I need to embrace it.
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