Christmas Day was actually over 2 minutes ago, so I feel compelled to think upon this year. For the first time in a very long time, my Christmas was just filled with joy. Everything about it was fun, and full of laughter and intentional living. I wasn't caught up in all these emotions, and underlying stresses that tend to drive me most of the time.
Last year at this time I was in a very dark place. I was broken, and unsure of what the future would hold. I had basically been told that I wasn't very good at the one thing I know God has gifted me in. It tore me up, forced me to look within, and opened my eyes to how we need to support each other instead of tearing each other down. I don't care what kind of business you run. It has taken me a year to get where I am today, to get over the damage that had plagued my heart. So, as I look at all that Jesus brings to this world, I realize how much he has brought me through in a year.
You see here's the thing, something that I am not even sure I have shared with my family. I didn't want to be alive. I honestly felt like I wasn't doing any good, and that the world, my students would be better off without me. I felt like I had messed up so badly that it wasn't worth trying to dig my way out. I felt like God's people who were supposed to be there for me, had thrown me under the wheels of the bus, and wouldn't stop running over me. I didn't feel supported, loved, or cared for. I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My best friends that I had been relying on were no longer around. I wasn't a part of a small group that was doing much as far as being there for each other, and I was also really good at pushing them away when they tried. I was in this lost little world where I felt alone, and unworthy of any sort of grace or love.
Do you know how opposite of Jesus that is? His story is so that very thing. He came into this world, to save those that have nothing left. He came into this world to give the lonely someone to hold on to. He came into this world to show us exactly what love is.
As I sat listening to the sermon on Christmas Eve, I realized just how complacent I have gotten sometimes about this story in my life. I never want to get tired of hearing Jesus' story. I never want to get tired of feeling His love. This year has been so tough. I have had to learn some pretty hard things. But at the end of it all, I know that to live for Him... it's worth it.
Today I embrace this story. I know that it has a part in my life. I want it to change me, to mold me, and make me into who I am supposed to be. I want it to guide me into deeper things. I want it to be my foundation. I want it to be the thing that makes people wonder about. I don't ever want someone to look at my life, and think that it looks like everyone else's. I've had a couple of people call me out on being on FB too much, and sharing too much. The thing is that maybe I do, but a couple of years ago I decided to live my life in the most authentic way possible. That means to me that I live life outloud, and real. Maybe I put too much out there, but the right people will appreciate that, instead of critiquing it. The right people will love me for it, instead of using it as tool to put me down with.
I've learned some hard lessons this year, but lessons that I am totally excited to take with me. I have learned how to let go of toxic people. I have learned that you don't always have to open the door and let people in to the deepest part of you, it is totally okay to guard your heart. I've learned that you can be the nicest person to someone else and they will still not have one nice word to say about you. I have learned that you need to think and pray before you move in to an apartment with someone that you don't know all that well. I've learned that you can say you love Jesus, and still be selfish, greedy, and just out for money. I have learned how to let go of someone that moved on, even when it was hard and I didn't understand. I've learned that it's okay to have high standards. I've learned that I can be led on, and it hurts when the other person doesn't feel the same way, but I can totally make it through as a stronger and better version of myself. I've learned that falling in love isn't my main goal in this life. I 've learned that I long for a husband and kids, and it's okay to keep longing for that, but focusing on Jesus while I do. Mostly though, I have learned that God's purposes for me far outweigh anything I could ever imagine, and I am worthy to be loved and cherished by the people around me. I've learned that serving, and helping others is what makes me happy. My goal in this life is to know Him and make Him known. Hopefully I get to do that with a family of my own one day, but meanwhile I am not going to let that stop me from intentionally living with the people that surround me on a daily basis.
His story. It's my story too. He didn't just come into this world to save one person. He came to save all. Each of us has our own story. Each of us falls on a daily basis. We speak harshly to a friend, we don't call someone back that is in trouble, we ignore someone that we have spent months communicating daily with, we aren't honest with our friend about our feelings, we lie, we steal, we gossip, we judge, there are so many things that we do to fail Him. But you know what? That is all a part of the story.
As I reflect on this season, and another Christmas that has passed me by, I am so thankful that this year happened. It was such a hard year. It was full of heartache, pain, loneliness. But it was also full of strength, joy, and grace. I grew more in my walk this year, than I think I ever have. I'm thankful for a time of reflection. I'm thankful for a Savior who meets me no matter where I am.
I'm thankful for a story that I never get tired of hearing, or being a part of.
I'm thankful for His love.
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