My first year of college was when I changed my major from Psychology to teaching. I knew that I would be going overseas. It was a calling I had gotten at camp when I was in 7th grade, and I knew that God was going to use teaching to make that happen. I have never regretted changing my major. I have never regretted getting my Master's degree in the same major (I have regretted the cost that's for sure). I have never regretted my career choice, but I have here lately wondered if there is something more.
I'm a good teacher, it is who I am. My first summer at camp I was nicknamed Teacher Tawnya, because in essence my entire being longs to be able to get someone from point A to point B by showing them how to do it. I don't doubt those gifts, although I did at one time. I doubted, because I let people show me what I was worth, instead of living out what I knew to be true of who God made me.
I want to think though that God's calling on my life is more than a career choice. It is more then this degree or that degree. For the longest time I thought if I left teaching that would be wasting my time and money that I had spent on obtaining that degree. The more in tune I am to God, His will, and His call... the more I know that I am not limited by words on a paper.
Sometimes His calling is radical. Sometimes His calling takes us away from familiar things, and puts us in a place where we know nothing... so that He can be the one glorified. Every time I stepped into a new country, that's what He was doing. It wasn't only that I was a good teacher, it was that I was a good teacher because I relied on Him in circumstances where I was so out of my element that is all I could do.
My life doesn't look like what I thought it would at the age of 36. I don't have kids, a husband, or even an ex-husband for that matter. I'm living in Columbia, which is also not really where I thought I would be, and He has started to move my heart in some pretty crazy ways.
I would say for about a month I have really been struggling with being single. It has actually become an obsession that I just haven't seemed to be able to let go of. If I'm honest with myself I think that it was because I finally realized that there are actually good God-fearing men out there... and I hadn't really believed that there were before now. So, I have become discontent with being single. So much so that I think I lost sight of the reason I am here in the first place.
We put so much pressure on ourselves and our children to get married and have babies. I feel like the church is the worst place for it. We look at single people as less than, and we in essence force them to become the outcasts because they don't fit the norm of the typical 30 something or 40 something lives. You might think that there's no pressure, but how many times have you said to a single person, "Oh well, just stop looking, that's when I found my husband." or "God's timing is perfect," or "I know what you mean, that one month I was single, man that was rough." If you are someone that got married right after high school, or even college, you are still married, and you have only been single for small moments of your life... please STOP trying to give advice to single people. It is causing more harm than good.
Back to the single obsession... So God and I have been going back and forth, because I want to be not single anymore, and I feel like over and over again I am hearing Him tell me to wait.
I am sure you probably can imagine what this conversation looks like if you have ever tried to argue with God about anything, it doesn't actually go very well.
It was about 2 weeks ago, when God started changing my heart. He let me see people in different ways, and helped me to understand that my purpose on earth for this moment in time is to serve Him. It isn't to stay so focused on getting married, and having kids that I miss the people that are hurting right in front of me. My focus being on myself, instead of looking into the eyes of those around me is causing me to miss my calling.
You see I don't think that God wants me back in the classroom. At least not anytime soon. I think God wants me in my community. He wants me to give of myself in a way that I haven't before. He wants me helping out the single parents at church, whatever that means. Getting a meal together once a week, taking their kids to events when they can't, or just being a listening ear when they need one. He wants me to be the voice for foster kids, to lend a hand to those little ones that are too often without anyone to be on their side. He wants me to encourage those around me, spend time with people not looking at my phone, and really just being present in people's lives. For the first time in a long time I have a clear picture of what God has me here for. I'm not so focused on myself that I am going to miss these opportunities. I am not sure how these things will change me, or where I am headed next. But I know this for sure.... my desire to have a husband and kids hasn't gone away. But my focus on it has.
One day I believe that God is going to bring that into my life. One day when I am so focused on serving Him that I don't even realize the need for that, God is going to tell me that I don't have to wait anymore. But for now His calling is to be present in my community serving, and loving others. His calling is stepping outside of my comfort zone, looking up, and giving every person I meet a chance to understand the love of a baby born to hang on a cross. That's the kind of calling that I have, and the best I can do with that calling is focus on it, and help as many as I possibly can.
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