Friday, November 10, 2017

Would I be Missed?

Do you ever wonder if you would be missed?  Do you feel like you are always the one making the effort in friendships?  Like what if I just stopped calling or texting, would anyone even notice that they hadn't talked to me for awhile?  Or would it literally be months before I would hear anything from them?   I've had best friends before, friends that I was able to call on any given day, at any given time and they would drop everything to hang out with me.  There are people that I would, and have done that for.  There are people in my life that I thought would do that for me, but I am not so sure anymore.  Maybe I am too needy, too damaged, too much.  Maybe I am too selfish, too dramatic, too outspoken.  Maybe I am not conservative enough, or too conservative?  Maybe I don't leave an impression on anyone's life.  Maybe if I stop making the effort, I will just be someone they knew once.  Maybe my life doesn't actually matter that much.  What good am I doing?  I'm not really sure.  I feel pretty disposable at the moment.  Maybe I am just that person that comes into people's lives for seasons, and never really stays.  As hard as that is for me to admit, it feels more and more true everyday.  One day I hope that someone comes into my life, and looks me in the face and tells me how important I am to them.  So important that they always want me in their life.  One day I hope that happens, the hope of that happening is starting to be less and less everyday.  I like someone who doesn't like me back, once again.  It is hard, it is messy and it sucks.  But you know what, it's okay.  Tonight is just a rough night, and I will feel better tomorrow.  But, for now I am going to put a lot less effort in, because I am tired of being the girl that always calls or texts first.  One day I want to be the one that is chased after.  Or at least is treated with value and worth.

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