It seems here lately that I find myself writing a lot about singleness. Sometimes I feel like I need to just let it go, and be okay with where I am and move forward. Then there are other times when I realize that this is my story right now. This is where I am, this is what I am dealing with, and it is okay if the best way for me to get through it is to write about it. So, if you are not wanting to read a blog about some of my latest thoughts on this subject, then probably don't read any further. Most of us write about what is going on in our lives. Whether that is singleness, the loss of a relationship, infertility, or just major life challenges. The weird thing to me is that we all seem to try to give advice, right? We have some sort of advice to give on every single problem that someone is facing. Married people, love to give advice to single people. People with kids love to give advice to those trying to be parents. It is what we do. So, for a moment just imagine a world in which we listen to understand what the person is saying, instead of listening to respond and tell the person what to do.
I had a wonderful day today, and usually at the end of wonderful days I have a lot of feelings and emotions that come out. I am not actually sure why it happens that way, but it does. I find myself thinking through a lot of things, and contemplating life choices. Maybe God uses my full days to help me work through tough things, because on my not so full days, I can't always handle them. Maybe?
For pretty much my whole life I have been the girl next door. Not the cute, pretty one, that was always getting asked out, but the one that everyone turns to when they need a friend, or they need someone to go out of their way to lend a hand. I am that girl that would bend over backwards for someone no matter what because they are my friend. Sometimes this causes me to read too much into friendships. Sometimes it causes men to see me as a friend and nothing else. Actually a lot of times it does. It is hard being the girl next door. It is hard never being seen as someone worthy of being chased, pursued, and loved by a man without them wanting something in return. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to feel, when we don't know for sure that there will be feelings back? Why are there so many decent, single, human beings in the world longing for relationships that they aren't able to find?
I'm struggling right now to understand this. I am struggling to understand how my desires to get married and have kids just have to be pushed aside, because it is not the right "timing." I chose to move overseas. I chose to live life in far away lands, but was it at the expense of never getting married and having kids? I chose to live a life that was focused on God, and doing what I thought I should, and in some ways I feel like I am constantly being punished for that because I don't have a family to call my own.
I don't know what it is like to lose the love of my life. I don't know what it is like to have someone that I thought I was going to spend my entire earthly life with, walk out the door. I don't know that heartache, because I have never had the chance to even feel it (and that's not a bad thing). Because I am 36, single and kid-less, does that mean that I have missed out on that portion of my life?
I know, I know what so many people are going to say. It's God's timing... He's teaching you something through this. I'm going to say, I have no doubt about that. I know He is teaching me a lot, but I also know the longing I feel isn't going away. Is there always going to be this constant ache, this void that never gets filled? It hurts, it's painful, and please don't write it off as something that I should just get over.
I am fine being the girl next door. Because you know what? That girl, she won't fail you. That girl, she is always going to be a listening ear. She is always going to let you pretty much walk all over her, because she loves hard. That girl, she is strong, and courageous, because she has been hurt. She has been hurt by never being the one. She has been hurt by those that look right through her. She has been hurt by those that want to tell her it is much better to stay single. That her life means something, maybe just not as much as a single mother's life, or a family of seven's life. But her life does mean something.
Those may be the words that are spoken, to her, but those aren't the words that are spoken about her. When she turns around and walks away after pouring out her heart to her married for 25 years with 3 kids friend. Those aren't the words spoken about her when she says that she doesn't have time to volunteer for the latest church function. When the mother with 3 kids is looking at her like, "what do you even have going on." Those aren't the words spoken when a friend talks to her husband about her husband's single friend and how they would be perfect for each other.
Singleness isn't something to be fixed, yet we all act like it is. It feels like a sick brokenness that is unable to be healed except by marriage. Not just any marriage, but marriage to this one person that is your soulmate. Isn't that what we have taught our daughters and sons to believe? Isn't that what we have allowed ourselves to believe? We tell them that they are not complete without someone else. We teach them that God created us for a partnership with one other person. Then they grow up, and don't find that fairy-tale. Or they grow up thinking that they have to have the perfect trophy wife/husband, when really who they need is someone that strengthens them and challenges them to grow closer to God everyday.
I don't actually know the answer, but I know that there is a void in me that many people will tell me I am trying to fill with other things. I know that. I don't need judgement, or advice. I just need understanding, and compassion. We all have our things, right? We all have those things that draw us away from God. Those things that try to steal our joy, and peace. We all have our crutches.
Sometimes my faith in God comes easy, and I have no problem believing that the desire for marriage and children is going to be filled. But others, like today I just can't wrap my mind around why me and so many others are walking around alone in a world full of people! Faith doesn't mean never having any doubts. I think that my faith is strengthened by my doubts. So I keep doubting. I keep looking forward, and loving those around me.
I embrace the girl next door, because after all she is who I feel like God has called me to be for this time. The girl that is there for those around her. She is willing to give up time, money, or whatever it takes to show people they are loved. Sometimes that means she loves too hard. Sometimes that means that she makes mistakes, and has to apologize. Sometimes that means she leaves a conversation not knowing where she stands, or what she even feels. But mostly it means that she keeps walking down the path of faith. Mostly it means that she never gives up, and keeps trying to be exactly where God wants her to be. Sometimes that means that she gets hurt, she gets her heart broken, and she doesn't find the love that she is searching for. But in the midst of that heartache, she grows in His strength and love, she deepens her understanding of what it means to walk by faith, and believe in things that she has yet to see.
No comments:
Post a Comment