Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Looking up, and hoping for some direction

I find myself back to blogging after a few days off, and really have missed it.  I am one of those people that just needs to write.  If I don't find myself writing for a few days then I find myself in a lousy mood, taking everything personally.  For instance today I woke up to go downstairs and see this note written by someone that I live with.  Now my living arrangements suck for a 32 year old single woman.  I live in these dorm-like accomadations that are really meant for the students since this is a boarding school.  Since there aren't enough students to fill the space, well there are teachers that live here.  Now this arrangement might not be so bad in a place where people actually wanted to get to know one another.  Or it might not be so bad if I had people like I had my first year in Thailand, who were actually eager to get to know who I am as a person.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  So anyways...I woke up to this note talking about how we all need to be quiet past 10pm etc.  Okay, I get it...yes we should be considerate.  However the note was directed at me, and I knew it.  See, I had 2 interviews last weekend for jobs, and they went WAY past 10pm.  However it doesn't happen that often and I didn't really feel like I was being that loud.  Here is where I get frustrated though...instead of coming to me and saying "hey can you try not to have calls past 10"  No instead of doing that, a note was written on the board to everyone.  Okay there are only 6 of us living here, so ofcourse we all know who you are directing that to.  Come on!  Let's be adults, please.  Another thing is that one of the people that was complaining has violin lessons for students all day on Saturdays and Sundays usually starting at 8:00 am.  Now...do I complain about that waking me up?  No actually I don't...so you know I feel like my TWO times of having late night Skype chats do not warrant getting all huffy when I put up with being woken up at 8:00am on both Saturdays and Sundays to squeaky violin lessons. 

This is just one of my many rants today.  I know that this probably isn't blog worthy, but it just has me thinking about perspective and how selfish we are.  I mean I completely know I am being selfish...because I want to be able to live my life without having to consider 5 other people every time I decided to stay up past 10:00pm.  The truth is though that I have to stop being selfish and I have to think of others.  But I also have to get the heck out of here, and settle somewhere else  I don't want to be here anymore.  It is turning me into a person that I don't like.  I don't feel close to anyone and I am tired of just living life as a zombie....not really caring about things and going through the motions. 

I want friends, I want a social life.  I want to do something other than sit in my room on the weekends.  I want to be able to go to the park without fear of being kidnapped for ransom.  I want to be able to drive and just walk along the river.  I want to be able to live...and I can't live here.  I can't just be me.  I am this person that I don't even want to be around.  I am someone right now that has lost myself, and in so doing I am pushing people away.  I know I am doing this, but I don't really think I want or care to stop. 

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