Fullness without Rejection

How do you deal with rejection?  How do you deal with feeling left out of things?  For me, I stink at it.  I have lived my life feeling rejected every time someone does something without me, thinking that it is somehow connected to my worth.  Sometimes I analyze every single thing that happens in a span of months to determine if the people that I have been spending my time with really actually value me, or not. 

It is kind of a stinky place to live.  But I think that instances in my past have created this need in me.  This need to feel rejected.  This need to put myself down, because of words that others have spewed at me, or instances when I felt overlooked. 

As I was pondering over these things the past few weeks, reading a book and participating in a Bible study,  it seems that my heart has changed without me even realizing it.   Something happened last night that made me realize that I have grown if only just a little bit in this rejection process. 

Some friends that I have are taking a trip, and didn't invite me.  In the moment I wanted to feel rejected, and I even tried to conjure up those feelings, until I realized that I actually didn't feel rejected at all.  In fact it was quite the opposite.  It was this moment of realizing that I know exactly where I stand with this group of people without having to be included in every single moment of their lives.  Honestly I couldn't have gone on this trip anyways because of money and my job.... so it should be a mute point. 

However in the past I would have allowed it to put a wall up, and I would have allowed another brick of rejection to be put on top of that wall.  I would have analyzed it to the point of depression, and deep rejection.  I would have allowed it to change myself and my relationship. 

It wasn't until today when I was reading another Chapter in the book Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst that I realized why I didn't feel that rejection that I would have once felt. 

It is because I have been really intentional about practicing having God fill me. 


This quote from the book pretty much sums it up:  "The more fully we invite God in, the less we will feel uninvited by other."  -Lysa Terkeurst

How I live my life full of God?  First, I truly have to take time to read, pray, meditate, and just be.  It is so easy for me to get distracted, by social media, tv, films, or just lost in my own daydreams of the life I wish I had.  My fullness in God sometimes gets lost along the way, as I try to fill my heart with everything but Him.

In our lives we can feel rejected by those closest to us, I know I have.  In fact I haven't just felt rejected, I have been rejected.  People have stopped talking to me, walked away from me, substituted others in their lives to spend time with instead of me.  Every time I have gotten a broken heart.

But what if...what if my heart was completely full because of God?  What if my worth and value was full with His love?  What if I was truly inviting Him in to the deepest, scariest parts of my rejection?  Wouldn't I find that His love is enough?  Wouldn't I find that the brokenness of this world doesn't have to break me?

Right now I feel full, I feel good.  Right now I feel like I have people in my life that truly value and care about me.  But it isn't because I am doing everything right, or always feel a part of a community.  It is because I am finding my fullness in Him.  I am allowing Him to completely fill that loneliest part of me.

Why did it take me this long to figure it out? 

So, what do I do, when I feel rejected?  I pray, and acknowledge that I am worthy, valued, and loved.  I acknowledge that this world is broken.  I acknowledge that I am called to know Him more, and people will always fail.  But that failure just allows me more opportunity to grow in fullness.  

Cravings....

I started a Bible Study today...yay!  My life has been bombarded the past few months with things that pretty much wanted to destroy me.  I couldn't see past the fog, I didn't actually even want to see past the fog, mostly because the fog was safe.  It was safe to just walk through it, bumping into things every once in awhile..... and grasping at the air as I walked through very slowly.  I saw my life slipping through my fingers.  I didn't feel loved, worthy, or even worth anything.  I felt like I wanted to just give up.  I think that for some people this is a common feeling.  Just wanting to give up...just wanting to walk away.  We let our life slip so far from the grasp of the One who knows us best that we forget what it is like to be acknowledge Him holding us in the palm of His hands.  We forget what it is like to be in communion with Him once again. 

We think that we have to be perfect before we can spend time with Him, or that the time we have, has to fill these long moments.  When really, all He wants is for us to sit down and spend 10 minutes just being with Him.  10 minutes isn't a lot.  I scroll through FB for 10 minutes without a second thought, so why is it so hard for me to spend 10 minutes reading my Bible, or praying.  How did this happen? 

I've been coming back from this place for about a month now.  It has been this slow walk back up hill.  In some ways I still get a little scared that I am going to slip and fall, but I have to remember that I'm not the shepherd leading the sheep...I am the sheep! 

Yesterday I heard a sermon, and then today I did day 1 of my Bible study that were basically making the same points.  Spending time with God.  Not just saying that I was spending time with Him, not just putting in a moment here or there, while I checked FB on the side.  Not getting in a few verses, in between text messages, but truly setting aside time to just be.  Time to crave Him, to acknowledge Him, and time to let Him love me where I am. 

Why do I think that I have to be perfect?  The perfect teacher, perfect daughter, perfect friend?  Why do I put so much pressure on myself to be the One everyone calls and runs to?  Why? 

I know what the answer is!  I feel that way because I am not craving what I should.  My blood transfusion didn't fully click.  I am still stupid sometimes.  I am still this weird version of myself that gets lost in all of the insecurities, doubts, and unworthiness that try to grab a hold of me on a minute-by-minute basis.  I'm craving what I get from those around me, instead of craving what has already been given to me! 

Here's a few quotes from Lysa TerKeurst that have struck me today:

"Without full trust in Him, it is impossible to be fully satisfied by Him." 

"True desperation for God will lead to revelation." 

"Make no mistake, God is I AM.  He is absolutely all we need, but He delights in us not only needing Him, but also wanting Him." 

When did my life become so consumed in the doubts of who I am, that I forgot to let Him be not only all I NEED, but also all I WANT? 

It's okay to feel lost sometimes, it is okay to crave things, because we were made to have hunger.  We were made to fill ourselves and live a full life.  What isn't okay is allowing the brokenness of the world to fill those cravings, because every single time, they will only make us feel empty an hour later. 

Sometimes we have to think, process, and think some more.  Sometimes we have to let someone else think for us, and sometimes we just have to sit quietly and allow the cravings for the right things to become real once again. 

Tonight I long to crave more of who He is.  I long to allow myself that moment, where nothing else matters, but they fact that I am able to connect in a personal way with a God that is love.  Tonight that's where I am. 

Letting go of my "righteousness"

I feel pretty mixed up with the state of our nation right now.  I have found myself sucked into social media more in the past 2 days than I have for awhile.  It takes a hold of me and really just makes my heart hurt!  I have read so much hate and slander towards those on all sides that I just want to go live in a cabin somewhere, and not have contact with anyone in the outside world.  I know this isn't the way to live, mostly because I have bills to pay...and God calls us to be in community. 

I find myself wanting to scream and cry out.  I find myself questioning everything I have ever known to be true about people that I actually thought I knew quite well. People that I know are compassionate people, I am seeing them post things that are making fun of our former President, our current President, or the leaders that are running our country. 


My heart is hurting because there are so many of my fellow friends hurting.  We have chosen to put everyone into a category.... us vs. them.  We have chosen to put blinders on, and stop seeing people as human beings.  This is it.  We have got to start caring about others.  We have got to start putting ourselves into other people's stories.  We have got to start listening to what they are saying. 

There are some people that are scared to death that Trump is President.  There are kids that are being called awful names, and forced to do awful things in the name of the Trump Presidency.  It is not our job to tell them that these things aren't happening, or to pretend that they are just making it up.  It is our job as human beings to listen to them, hear them, and then try to help them.  It is our job to love beyond ourselves, even when we don't want to...even when we feel like they are just crying wolf.  Because you know what?  There is not ONE human being on this planet that doesn't matter.  There isn't!  EVERY SINGLE one of us was born in His image.  Every single one of us deserves to be listened to, to feel safe as we walk down the street, to not be scared if we are going to get pulled over.

I don't know your story, because I have never lived it.  I don't know what you have gone through, what bias you have lived with your whole life.  I only know what I have walked through.  I only know my own story.  Is it fair for me to place my own feelings on yours?  Is it fair for me to judge  you because you want to stand up for something that I don't believe in? 

No...it's not.  It isn't fair!  I do not have the right to tell you what to believe. 

I have the right to voice my own opinion.  I have even more of a right to listen.

I am going to try to listen more to the people around me, especially those that I don't quite agree with.  I am going to try to listen to the reasoning behind votes, marches, and protests.  I am going to try to listen without responding in anger.

I hope you will too.  

2/2017

Community is what you make of it, people are in your life for a reason.  Tomorrow my life could take a drastic turn.  I am not actually sure what might happen.  All I know is that 2017 has given me the opportunity to make that turn, if I need to.  I want community.  I want people in my life that want to be there. 

Tonight I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend, and chat with some new ones.  The conversations I have had these past few weeks, have been conversations that have shown me how my life can and should change. 

Maybe my life doesn't look like yours.  I don't have kids, I'm not married.  I never thought it mattered that those things weren't part of my life.  But, as it turns out I think that there are just certain people that once they get married or start to have kids, they just don't want to be in my life because they feel like we have nothing in common, or whatever the reason. 

I would pretty much give up anything for people that have been there for me, and that are in my life.  In fact I have.  My heart was a little hurt tonight by something I found out, but I will get over it, because I'm not going to make this year about loss.  I am going to make this year about risks and gaining.  I am going to make this year about adventure, love, and surrounding myself with people that bring me strength.

So, here's to the second day of 2017.  Here's to community, and love.  Here's to investing in those that want me, and letting go of those that don't.   Here's to community. 

1/2017

My first blog of the new year.  Today I was able to start my New Year off with so many great things!  3 year olds, an amazing church, a hike, and lots of reading, journaling, and creativity.  I'm so thankful for the new beginning that this year is. I am so thankful that no matter where I go, God will always be with me.  I am so thankful that I can begin new things in 2017. 

I was talking to some members of my family tonight, and they were like, why make resolutions?  To me, it isn't really about the fact that my whole life is going to change.  It is the fact that I am trying.  I am trying to do things that are going to enhance my life, and make me a better person.  Resolutions to me are about examining where I was this last year and where I want to go. 

I know that I won't meet every one of my goals.  I know that there will be times when I won't want to read before I go to work, or before I go to bed.  But I think that making goals is a great start. 

This year is about Jesus for me.  This year is about getting to know Him in a greater way.  This year is about opening up my life to risking whatever I need to in order to fulfill what I was meant to do, where I was meant to do it.  I don't think that means playing it safe.  I don't think that means having the "American Dream."  I think that means that it is time for me to move forward.  It is time for me to be authentic in my quest for those things that will truly enable me to love in a greater way. 

2017.....A Year of Risks.....

I took a look back over my posts from this past year.  2016, it was supposed to be my year of being Intentional, Grateful, and Authentic.  As I reflect on these things, I have to wonder if they were really what drove me.  If every interaction I had was really about these three words.  I have to admit to myself that it probably wasn't.  I don't know that this was my best year of authenticity.  I was real, but I also wasn't.  I hid behind a lot of insecurities in a lot of different situations throughout this year.  I'm not going to put myself down for that, because I don't think we can fix everything in a year.  I don't think we were meant to.  I think that we are just meant to live better than the year before.  Sometimes there are years filled with lots more darkness than there have been in the past.  Sometimes we get stuck in that darkness for most of the year, but then we begin again. 

So, I'm not going to let go of being authentic.  It is still very much a part of the core of who I am.  It is still very much a part of the process that I want to work on.  Being authentic isn't about always being so open and raw.  Being authentic is about caring about others, developing community, and being open enough to risk. 

My word for 2017 is risk.  This year I want to risk all that I have to live life to the fullest.  I don't want to stop having adventures just because I think that everyone expects me to stay in one place.  I don't want to stop seeing the world, experiencing life on every continent, being a part of cultures that cause me to examine my life and share the grace that I have been given.  Risk isn't about giving up on dreams, or people.  Risk is about not being okay with living a mediocre life.  Taking chances, applying for that job that you might never have applied for before.  Not staying in an environment that is toxic.  Risk means moving mountains and going after the things that I'm passionate about.  Living my life in the most authentic way that I can, and being willing to let go of those things that only cause hurt and pain. 

This year might not be epic, but it sure is going to be a year for a lot of changes.  It sure is going to be a year for me to decide what makes me happy, what fills me, and go after it with all my heart. 

I have a lot of resolutions, and goals for this year.  Drinking more water, reading my Bible more, taking time to hike, writing real letters. 

The most important though is that I refuse to be stuck in a life that is convenient, or a life that doesn't challenge me. 

Here's to 2017....may the risks be worth it! 

Darkness helps the Light...

Never in my life would I have dreamed that I would be in the place I am in, or actually was in because I can say that I am definitely on the uphill climb to this valley.  Sometimes though you have to be in a dark place, in order to see the light.  Sometimes it isn't about the people that surround you as much as it is about getting up out of that hole, allowing yourself to be okay with your truth and letting yourself wallow for just a little bit. 

 I think oftentimes we want everyone to be happy, we don't want to be around sad people.  We don't want to be around people that are depressed, lonely, and unsure of the steps they are taking next.  We just want happiness.  I get it, because I have been one of those people.  I have been a person that didn't want to be around the "Eeyore's" of the world...that is until I was one.   Until I was so deep in darkness that I honestly didn't feel like getting out of bed most mornings.  

I had convinced myself that I was worth nothing to this world.  I had convinced myself that my life wasn't actually worth anything, that when I was created...there was something in me that was created wrong.  I had convinced myself that everyone was only hanging out with me because they felt they had to.  That I had no friends, that I was unlovable.   Then I hated myself for doubting all those things.  And...the wall was put back up.  

I am a strong person.  There aren't a lot of people that have broken the wall down, and I hate to admit, but sometimes the wall goes back up.  It shouldn't, but it does.  Isn't that the case with all of us though?  Okay..maybe it is just me.  Maybe I am the only person in the world that constantly has trust issues.  I kind of doubt it.  

Here's the thing though....if we don't trust people in our life, because they have shown to be untrustworthy over and over again...do we continue to allow them to be a part of our lives?  Do we continue to allow them to hurt us, or live in fear that we will be dropped without a moments notice?  Do we allow that anxiety to continue to drive us?  

That is where the darkness comes in.  Sometimes I think we have to walk in the darkness for a little while.  Sometimes we have to let the world swallow us up, not in a destroying kind of way, but just a way in which we allow ourselves to journey inward.  But then.....we let the light back in.  

We talk to people about our struggles.  We open up, and try to figure out why the world looks so dark.  We realize that we were created for good things, even if it seems like the world and people in our world are against us.  We let people in, reach out even when we don't want to...and we allow ourselves to be loved.  

We all have moments and times when we are walking in darkness.  Even a candle has to be in the dark sometimes.  I think the most we can do is understand where people are at, and admit where we are for ourselves.  Admit when we don't have it all together.  Admit when we are having days where we just don't see the hope, joy, and love.  Then after admitting that we do things that will help us know our worth.  Whether that is passages from the Bible, songs that have worthy messages, or just sitting down to coffee with a friend.   

My light has been pretty dim the last couple of months, but I think that I am finally by God's grace on the journey to full brightness again.  I am not perfect, and the best that I can do is to grow on this journey, search hard for where God wants me, and live out His daily truths.  My days are not always going to be happy, but they can always be full.  My days aren't always going to be full of light, but they can shimmer with hope...always.  

Darkness is necessary...because if there wasn't darkness...we wouldn't understand or need the light.