Never in my life would I have dreamed that I would be in the place I am in, or actually was in because I can say that I am definitely on the uphill climb to this valley. Sometimes though you have to be in a dark place, in order to see the light. Sometimes it isn't about the people that surround you as much as it is about getting up out of that hole, allowing yourself to be okay with your truth and letting yourself wallow for just a little bit.
I think oftentimes we want everyone to be happy, we don't want to be around sad people. We don't want to be around people that are depressed, lonely, and unsure of the steps they are taking next. We just want happiness. I get it, because I have been one of those people. I have been a person that didn't want to be around the "Eeyore's" of the world...that is until I was one. Until I was so deep in darkness that I honestly didn't feel like getting out of bed most mornings.
I had convinced myself that I was worth nothing to this world. I had convinced myself that my life wasn't actually worth anything, that when I was created...there was something in me that was created wrong. I had convinced myself that everyone was only hanging out with me because they felt they had to. That I had no friends, that I was unlovable. Then I hated myself for doubting all those things. And...the wall was put back up.
I am a strong person. There aren't a lot of people that have broken the wall down, and I hate to admit, but sometimes the wall goes back up. It shouldn't, but it does. Isn't that the case with all of us though? Okay..maybe it is just me. Maybe I am the only person in the world that constantly has trust issues. I kind of doubt it.
Here's the thing though....if we don't trust people in our life, because they have shown to be untrustworthy over and over again...do we continue to allow them to be a part of our lives? Do we continue to allow them to hurt us, or live in fear that we will be dropped without a moments notice? Do we allow that anxiety to continue to drive us?
That is where the darkness comes in. Sometimes I think we have to walk in the darkness for a little while. Sometimes we have to let the world swallow us up, not in a destroying kind of way, but just a way in which we allow ourselves to journey inward. But then.....we let the light back in.
We talk to people about our struggles. We open up, and try to figure out why the world looks so dark. We realize that we were created for good things, even if it seems like the world and people in our world are against us. We let people in, reach out even when we don't want to...and we allow ourselves to be loved.
We all have moments and times when we are walking in darkness. Even a candle has to be in the dark sometimes. I think the most we can do is understand where people are at, and admit where we are for ourselves. Admit when we don't have it all together. Admit when we are having days where we just don't see the hope, joy, and love. Then after admitting that we do things that will help us know our worth. Whether that is passages from the Bible, songs that have worthy messages, or just sitting down to coffee with a friend.
My light has been pretty dim the last couple of months, but I think that I am finally by God's grace on the journey to full brightness again. I am not perfect, and the best that I can do is to grow on this journey, search hard for where God wants me, and live out His daily truths. My days are not always going to be happy, but they can always be full. My days aren't always going to be full of light, but they can shimmer with hope...always.
Darkness is necessary...because if there wasn't darkness...we wouldn't understand or need the light.