I started a Bible Study today...yay! My life has been bombarded the past few months with things that pretty much wanted to destroy me. I couldn't see past the fog, I didn't actually even want to see past the fog, mostly because the fog was safe. It was safe to just walk through it, bumping into things every once in awhile..... and grasping at the air as I walked through very slowly. I saw my life slipping through my fingers. I didn't feel loved, worthy, or even worth anything. I felt like I wanted to just give up. I think that for some people this is a common feeling. Just wanting to give up...just wanting to walk away. We let our life slip so far from the grasp of the One who knows us best that we forget what it is like to be acknowledge Him holding us in the palm of His hands. We forget what it is like to be in communion with Him once again.
We think that we have to be perfect before we can spend time with Him, or that the time we have, has to fill these long moments. When really, all He wants is for us to sit down and spend 10 minutes just being with Him. 10 minutes isn't a lot. I scroll through FB for 10 minutes without a second thought, so why is it so hard for me to spend 10 minutes reading my Bible, or praying. How did this happen?
I've been coming back from this place for about a month now. It has been this slow walk back up hill. In some ways I still get a little scared that I am going to slip and fall, but I have to remember that I'm not the shepherd leading the sheep...I am the sheep!
Yesterday I heard a sermon, and then today I did day 1 of my Bible study that were basically making the same points. Spending time with God. Not just saying that I was spending time with Him, not just putting in a moment here or there, while I checked FB on the side. Not getting in a few verses, in between text messages, but truly setting aside time to just be. Time to crave Him, to acknowledge Him, and time to let Him love me where I am.
Why do I think that I have to be perfect? The perfect teacher, perfect daughter, perfect friend? Why do I put so much pressure on myself to be the One everyone calls and runs to? Why?
I know what the answer is! I feel that way because I am not craving what I should. My blood transfusion didn't fully click. I am still stupid sometimes. I am still this weird version of myself that gets lost in all of the insecurities, doubts, and unworthiness that try to grab a hold of me on a minute-by-minute basis. I'm craving what I get from those around me, instead of craving what has already been given to me!
Here's a few quotes from Lysa TerKeurst that have struck me today:
"Without full trust in Him, it is impossible to be fully satisfied by Him."
"True desperation for God will lead to revelation."
"Make no mistake, God is I AM. He is absolutely all we need, but He delights in us not only needing Him, but also wanting Him."
When did my life become so consumed in the doubts of who I am, that I forgot to let Him be not only all I NEED, but also all I WANT?
It's okay to feel lost sometimes, it is okay to crave things, because we were made to have hunger. We were made to fill ourselves and live a full life. What isn't okay is allowing the brokenness of the world to fill those cravings, because every single time, they will only make us feel empty an hour later.
Sometimes we have to think, process, and think some more. Sometimes we have to let someone else think for us, and sometimes we just have to sit quietly and allow the cravings for the right things to become real once again.
Tonight I long to crave more of who He is. I long to allow myself that moment, where nothing else matters, but they fact that I am able to connect in a personal way with a God that is love. Tonight that's where I am.