God and I once again had it out on my way home from Kentucky this past Thursday. For 7 days this past week I was able to spend time with my sister and her daughters in Kentucky. We were also joined later on in the week by my mom and other sister. I went to help out and watch my little 9 month old niece while my sister was at work. I loved it. I got up early before my classes started, made breakfast for everyone, taught my classes and then saw everyone off to school/work, except for K. We hung out a couple of days, and I will say that I didn't fully realize the love that she made me realize. It is not that my other nieces and nephews are special because they totally are.... it is just I haven't watched any of them for longer than an hour or two at a time. There is something different about spending huge chunks of time with a little human being. I got to know her. And it was this amazing thing... I got to understand her little personality that is beginning to blossom. I got to see what frustrates her, what makes her happy. I got to see the beginning stages of her wanting to take those steps. And my heart learned a little piece of what it means to be full. God and I had a conversation because I wanted him to know that I would have been a really good mom. I would have loved those kids, I would have built them up, I would have encouraged them every single chance that I got. I feel like just when I become okay with not being a mom, something like this happens where I get a tiny glimpse of what it would be like. Because although I am super exhausted... I loved every single second of waking up at 4:30 am, making breakfast, teaching classes and then spending the day/evening with my nieces. It filled me up.
Tonight I was talking with a friend and he said something about how it probably made me not want kids after this week... and I honestly just don't feel that way. I still would like to have kids, but I know that I am not. It isn't that I feel like I am giving up on God, or that dream. It is that I kind of deep down inside of me know that I am not going to be a mom. Maybe a step-mom one day... which I know is no where near the same thing... but I don't think that I will get to hold a baby in my arms, and see it grow up.... it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.
So.. I will continue to be called aunt. I will continue to know that the love I give to my nieces and nephews will touch their lives in ways that their parents can't. I will be the fun, adventurous aunt. The one that offers to take them for a weekend, and hang out with them, doing all kinds of grand adventures.
But my heart still breaks for the roles that I have yet been unable to fill... wife and mom... those are two things that I will forever hold in my heart... maybe one day I will get to... but maybe I never will. No matter what comes I will cherish the roles I get to fill, and be thankful for the love held in each.
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