I have started writing this post 3 different times and can't seem to figure out what I want/need to say. There is so much going on in my head and heart right now. I feel filled up and empty all at the same time. Is that even possible to feel both of those things?
I feel filled up because I had an epic time this week hanging out with family. It was just what my soul and heart needed. Our family, they are the people that have seen us through everything. Some extended families don't have moments together like we did growing up, but I feel like my childhood was shaped by my cousins, aunts, uncles, and our times together. I learned how to play cards sitting around my grandparent's dining room table. I learned how to joke around with people because my uncles, and cousins teased constantly. I learned how to have fun whether playing football, snowball fights, or just sitting around talking. Those people, they impacted me. Family should accept you for who you are. That's what they should do. Despite the imperfections and misunderstandings I feel like my family does. They accept me for who I am. We aren't a perfect family, but we love each other.
So....filled up in love then why do I feel the opposite today? Why am I questioning my worth and value? What voice am I hearing. Not God's. I know that He loves and values me, I know that those around me love and value me, and yet I find myself unable to believe it.
Today the challenge was to believe without seeing. Believe and trust that God has everything in control and He will do what He says. I want to believe. I want to believe so much that He is faithful in answering something that I have been praying for awhile, but I just can't right now. I don't know how to believe when I feel inadequate and like I have made too many mistakes to deserve this prayer being answered.
Sometimes being still and waiting is the hardest part. Sometimes believing without seeing seems pretty much impossible.
Perhaps it isn't trying so hard to believe without seeing on my own. Perhaps the part that I need to get is I need to listen to the stories around me. I need to seek what God is trying to say, and do...and I need to be quiet for awhile.
Seeking Him in the silence.