Sometimes I think that I am in this continuous cycle of doubt and fear. Doubt in myself, doubt in the way others view me, and fear that I am just making one mistake after another. Do you ever analyze things so much that you lose track of yourself? You continue to play every single second of every moment, thinking about your words and actions, hoping and praying that they came across right, and that you aren't in fact coming across as crazy as you somehow feel?
There shouldn't be doubt in my heart or mind right now, because I know who I am. I know what God has brought me through and I know what is expected of me. But I just feel myself caught up in doubt. I just feel myself afraid that I am not good enough, or strong enough, or wise enough to beat whatever it is that is trying to hold me back from being authentically me.
Sometimes my fear and doubt comes from my expectations of others. We are all traveling in our own little worlds, and sometimes we are unaware of how what we are doing or saying is affecting those around us. My expectations for others are pretty high...I know that. I know that I have this crazy way of reading into things, when they actually mean nothing. I get my feelings hurt pretty easily, and I feel things pretty deeply when I really shouldn't.
This is my reality, and I have to work on it. I have to allow myself to feel fear and doubt without it affecting the way I view myself. I have to accept the feelings for what they are, and find a way to overcome them. To get past the analyzing, and just live in the moment. So many times we say "give it to God" like it is super easy to just hand over all the self-doubt and fear that has had years and years to run wild in our minds and hearts. Feelings can't just be handed over on a silver platter. Feelings are real and true. Feelings are what makes us uniquely ourselves.
Today I accept that I have doubt and fear. I accept that it is a part of me, but I also do not allow these feelings to define me. I allow them to be a part of me for a little while and then work on replacing them with trust and hope. Trust and hope that God has the power and love to overcome whatever feelings I am dealing with in spite of my unwillingness to let Him. Trust and hope that in spite of my feelings I can be authentically and bravely me!