Day 12: Training for the 10K

Exercise is hard.  Some people love it, they crave it...it gets them going, moving and loving life.  For me I have to push myself to do it.  I have to take time and say....come on tawnya you can do this. 

Today was one of those days.  I had to really push myself to go out in the freezing cold and run.  I didn't wear near enough clothes, but I still did it.  Probably not as long as I should have, but I still did it. 

I have been dealing with missing someone recently.  Someone that was really important to me, someone that I thought would be in my life forever.  I think what I wish I could have given him was that push to do the hard things.  That push to keep going even when you feel like giving up.  That push to know that even if you are rejected, even if you fail, you can keep going. 

He doesn't have that.  He doesn't believe in himself.  For a long time I thought if I just tried hard enough, I could do it for him.  If I just encouraged him enough he would finally have the courage to go for his goals, and be the person he was meant to be. 

But we can't make people do anything that they don't have the drive or desire to do.  We can love them to a point, and then we have to let them go.  We have to let them either soar, or fall.  We have to. 

I am not perfect, but today I went out and ran, even when I was freezing...even when I couldn't hardly make it the 20 minutes that I was doing.  I still did it.  That my friends is a victory for me.  Even though I came home and drank champagne, and ate M & M's.  I still did something that I didn't feel like doing.  I did something that was beyond what I could do on my own.  And I did it to the best of my abilities for tonight. 

That my friends is the victory. 

So....here's to training for a 10K....day 1 done....tomorrow is a new day...a new start....and a new perspective!

Day 11: The Beverly Hilton and other Memories

I have to admit that tonight was one of those nights when I just had to let the memories flood my mind.  I had to just sit back and say...it is completely okay to remember past experiences with someone who can no longer be a part of my everyday life.  It is not bad to remember those things, it is not unhealthy, in fact I think it was actually part of the healing process.  To say that I enjoyed that time, I enjoyed being at that place with that man, and that it was meant to be for the experience we both had.  I am so very thankful.  A couple of months ago I wasn't and I wouldn't have written this.  But now thinking over some memories today, I can say I am so very thankful.  My heart is still healing, and there are still times when I want to cry out why did things have to end up this way.  In the end though, I know that it needed to happen.  I am not sure what the future holds but I am so thankful.

As I sit here watching the Golden Globes, thinking about a different time when I was there, experiencing the "high life."  I am thankful for that too.  If I never get to experience that kind of amazingness again....I will be okay, because I had it once and once was enough. 

Day 10: When Birthdays turn Violent, and other observations

This should have been written on Saturday!  Day 10 of Blogging

Today I got to help out at a birthday party.  It was one of those times when I had to not be a teacher, but just a friend.  I found myself wanting to have a conversation with a few of the boys that attended the party.  Why is it that common courtesy seems to have just gone out the window.  No, boys shouldn't just be boys...because one day those boys will be men.  How in the world do you expect your boys to grow up into men that care about others if you don't teach them that when they are boys???? 

It just doesn't even make sense to me.  You stand by and watch them throw, push, shove, and call names...yet one day you expect them to not do any of that.  WHAT? 

Does that even make any sense? 

It doesn't make any sense to me.  How can we raise up kids that respect others, listen to authority, but still have their own voice and personality?  I am not sure I have the answers, but I know that it starts in the home.  I know that it starts with the way they speak to their siblings, the way they treat their grandparents.  I know that it starts each and every morning...when they open their eyes and glance around at how those within their home are interacting with each other. 

Day 9: Inspiration comes in many forms...

This post should have been written on Friday, but instead I was lazy!  Ha! 

Oh well...here it goes.

Things that I find inspiring......

*people's stories

*Golden Globes

*generosity of people I don't know

*kids that give up material things for others

*songs that really encourage

*quotes

*the beach

*heartache

*laughter

*jokes

*dreams

*visions

*friends

*honesty

*books

*movies

*character

*love

Why Change Is So Hard For Most People

Change...it is a word that most people do not like.  It causes people to have nightmares, cold sweats, stomachaches, and many other things when they think of anything that requires change.  I have never understood this, because I just am not a person that freaks out at change, in fact I am the opposite.  I freak out when things don't change.  I would much rather change my situation than be unhappy.  I would much rather change then put down roots, because I find that putting down roots sometimes hurts.  It is hard to be a person that likes change.  It is hard to be a person that likes change, but doesn't always adapt well to change.  But I am. 

I long for things to be changed up.  I do not want to continue in the same old pattern day in and day out.  I just can't do it.  To have the same routine day after day makes me cringe and want to change things up. 

This year has been very tough.  Tonight I was reminded again that not everyone likes change.  In fact people will be downright mean when change must happen.  We all deal with it differently.  Some of us revert back to 2 year old temper tantrums, some of us just ignore it and pretend it isn't happening, others scream at it, still others try to force it to not change, and the best of us embrace it with open arms. 

There is no way I can be considered in that last category because as much as I love change I don't embrace it at all.  I hate when my schedule gets messed up, even though I will be the first to go on an unexpected adventure.  I hate when someone acts completely different than they normally do, even though I encourage people to step outside of the box. 

Why are we so inclined to hate change?  What is it about our lives, or about our past that makes us want everything to stay exactly the same? 

Comfort, I think that it boils down to we love to be comfortable.  We love to be experts at life.  If things change then we are no longer experts.  We no longer know what is going on and where we stand in life.  We no longer can predict what is going to happen.  Without predictions we might fail.  Failure is looked down on.  No one wants to fail because we have been taught that failure is wrong.  That failure means weakness.  But does it? 

I don't think so.  I have failed so many times.  I have misspoken, I have lied, I have regretted the words that came out of my mouth, I have lost friends, I have lost trust, I have failed.  It doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me unlovable, it makes me human. 

Change is hard.  What if it wasn't though?  What if we learned from early on to embrace change?  What if we welcomed change with open arms even if it meant that we might fail?  Or that we might not know ALL the answers.  What if???

Just not sure...

Not sure what to do with my life....

Not sure where to go...

Not sure who to trust...

Not sure how to live...

Not sure if this is the right path...

Not sure if I want more...

Not sure if there is more than this.......

Anchors

For Christmas my sister got us each an anchor necklace. It is a symbol of us sisters always having an anchor. It was a great gift, so true. I'm thankful for the anchors in my life. Those people that will always be there, no matter how many mistakes I make or whatever dumb things I do. There will always be anchors that keep me grounded, hold me up when I can't do it on my own, and never cease to love me.

Thinking back on the places I've seen!

I find myself out of time again today.  I wish that I would have been able to get more things done today, so I would have time to write a great blog, but I am so far behind it is not even funny!  Ughhh!  So I am just going to do a little thinking about places I've been and things I have been able to experience! 




One of my very favorite experiences was getting to snorkel in the Red Sea.  I don't have a lot of pictures from that time (technology wasn't what it is today...ha)  But it was so much fun! 

I remember being able to jump in with the non-stinging jellyfish and snorkel.  It was amazing.  I will never have another experience like it.  I think it was one of the few times that I can remember truly thinking how big the world is.  If only we could all understand that.  If only! 

When we Dream...

I thought that I was going to be writing about the movie I went to yesterday and that whole experience, but after the past few days with things that I have read, I just feel that there is something else on my mind. 

The something else is this....

What if we are putting dreams in our children that aren't really the dreams we should be putting into them.  What if as a society we shouldn't be forcing them into little marriages the minute we see a little baby boy and girl together looking cute.  What if instead of calling little 2 or 3 year olds girlfriend and boyfriends (just as a joke I realize), but what if instead of all that we focused on growing them up to be the best version of themselves.  What if we help them to be okay with who they are before putting pressure on them to be who they are with someone else. 

I know we were made for companionship, we were made to be there for each other, to have a "mate."  But here's the thing....not all of us have that.  Would my parents have guessed when I was 3 years old that I would still be single at 33?  No they probably had no idea.  But you know what?  What if that was never the expectation?  What if I grew up being okay with being me.  What if my journey was about finding out who I am, working through the tough things that have happened to me...and being ME.  Being me through the mistakes, being me through the icky, yucky, horrible days that I face.  What if our society was built around kids figuring out who they are, and their role in society instead of worrying about who they are going to marry?  What if??? 

What if every single movie focused on finding yourself instead of these two people hooking up, or those two people getting divorced, or that couple over there finally finding each other after 20 + years.  I am not saying do away with love, romance, or couples.  I am just saying what if the focus was about the real journey.  Not just the Hollywood version of the journey. 

The majority of the people in the world are with someone.  But sometimes I have to wonder if they are with someone because they really want to be, or because they are trying to fill a void in their lives.  Do they stay with that person for 20 years because they really love them, or is it just because what is expected of them? 

I think we need to find ourselves again.  Apart from other people.  Apart from the role we fill in our lives.  Whether that is daughter, mother, sister, friend, wife, lover, adulterer, caretaker, teacher, addict.  We need to look into the depth of who we are, and say that we are okay first with being ourselves, and second with doing what we need to do to better the world. 

I feel like there is an age for everything.  I feel like everyone thinks the right age to get married is in your early 20's after all you still have energy to raise kids then, etc.  But I have to wonder, if there weren't expectations put on people to find someone by the ripe old age of 21, would there be less divorce, less heartache?  Would people be able to find themselves first, and would our society perhaps be a better place? 

I don't know...maybe not.  I do know that our society has a problem.  No one knows who they are.  No one can be real.  Social Media, technology, and just the lack of compassion is making our world a place where no one can truly be themselves.  I feel like it is all one big show.  Who can post the most things on FB, or whose life is the worst....sometimes I just want to go back to the way things used to be when the only way you knew what was going on in someone's life was if you talked to them on the phone or went over to their house.  We post things on social media that make ourselves look good, or call out for attention.  We want to see how many people will like our posts, our pictures our lives.  We scream out PLEASE ACCEPT ME!  I need to feel LOVED!  When I sometimes wonder how many people actually care anyways, or is it just a time waster?  Social Media has caused us to look at a news article and judge based on the words we read, instead of looking at the whole picture.  Instead of having compassion for what that person is going through and feeling for them.  We are so quick to judge, we are so quick to use our words to fight for what we think is right.  We forget that there are two or three or ten sides to every story.  We are so quick to comment that really all people need sometimes is to be silent and be heard. 

Maybe I'm wrong...maybe we are doing things exactly the way we should be, but for some reason it just doesn't feel right to me.  For some reason I think there are too many 20-30 something year olds unhappy because they never really got the chance to figure out who they were and what they wanted.  For that matter just too many unhappy people.  Lost in a world of regret, heartache, pain and anger.  I don't have the answer, but I am going to keep searching.  I feel like somewhere, somehow we can change the dream.  We can help our kids grow up in a world where they dream of being the best version of themselves, and they ACHIEVE IT! 

My Changed Life....

I got to see the movie Wild today!! I made a commitment to post everyday, but I need time to reflect before I write...so today is a simple post. A picture from not too long ago....it will always mean a lot to me. Can't explain why, but just hold a place in my heart. Thankful for memories!

Wild.....

I'm not sure how many people have read the book Wild by Cheryl Strayed, but I stayed up last night until 2:30 am to finish it.  I was simply in awe of her.  Of how hard she fought to find herself.  Of the fact that she worked through her journey and it made her a better person.  For about five years know I have felt pretty lost.  I am not sure if it was just because I lost that purpose that I had when I was in college, or if it just because you typically need your 20's to find yourself.  I would bet it is probably a mix of both.

I used to love solitude, I used to be just fine with spending time alone, deep in thought praying, thinking, writing, and pondering life and what it had in store.  Somewhere I lost the ability to be alone.  I lost myself somehow along the way.  In the hustle and bustle of transitions, new faces, new cultures, and a new me.  I somehow lost the fact that it is okay not to fit in.  It is okay to just be my own person.  I somehow started to look around and realize that I needed to conform to the perfect "life" that everyone else had.  Instead of just being content with who I was, where I was headed and what I had been through. 

Some of the quotes from the book that I love the most.....


"I had diverged, digressed, wandered, and become wild.  I didn't embrace the word as my new name because it defined negative aspects of my circumstances or life, but because even in my darkest days- those very days in which I was naming myself- I saw the power of the darkness.  Saw that, in fact, I had strayed and that I was a stray and that from the wild places my straying had brought me, I knew things I couldn't have known before."   (page 97)


"But I wasn't out here to keep myself from having to say I am not afraid.  I'd come, I realized to stare that fear down, to stare everything down, really- all that I'd done to myself and all that had been done to me.  I couldn't do that while tagging along with someone else." 


"I was entering, I was leaving.  California streamed behind me like a long silk veil.  I didn't feel like a big fat idiot anymore.  And I didn't feel like a hard-ass motherfucking Amazonian queen.  I felt fierce and humble and gathered up inside, like I was safe in this world too." 


"What if I forgave myself?  I thought.  What if I forgave myself even thought I'd done something I shouldn't have?  What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done, other than it was what I wanted and needed to do?  What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done?  What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men?  What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no?  What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what had also gotten me here?  What if I was never redeemed?  What if I already was? "


This last quote it sticks with me.  I think it always will because no matter what our choices are ours alone.  I make my choices and whatever outside forces cause me to make them...I am still in control of who I am...what I was in the past, and who I will be in the future.  But no matter what those things that I choose they have led me here to this moment in time.  I look around me and I know that this is where I need to be for right now.  I can look ahead, and behind, but the here and now....that's what matters.  I don't want this moment to pass me by without really breathing it in and saying who am I in this exact moment.  I  no longer fit into the perfect little Baptist girl mold that I used to, but I don't fit into the rebellious one either. 

I'm not sure who I am...but I know that I have courage, and strength.  I know that inside of me is passion for learning, for love, and for the chance to make a difference in this sometimes shitty misguided world.  I know that in
the end I am safe because I am loved beyond anything I could ever imagine.  I have people that will push me to be better than I am today, but will also let me lean on them if I need to.  Beyond that though I have confidence in who I am.  Sometimes it fails me, and sometimes I fail it, but at the end of the day I know that sometimes the right answer is yes instead of no.  Sometimes failure is the answer to success, and sometimes you have to just bust on through when you know that on the other side is a bunch of crazy thorns.  But you have to get some cuts and bruises in order to make it to the path that leads to the crystal clear lake you have been staring at for so long you don't even remember when you first saw it. 

A New Year....a different perspective.....and some goals

This is it the first day of the year 2015.  I never thought that these last 5 years would fly by as quickly as they have.  I just can't seem to believe how fast time is going.  I wish it would slow down a little bit.  I'm excited to be writing again, and am making it my personal goal to post something on my blog everyday...no matter what!  I want this year to be full of positive thoughts and want to be able at the end of this year to see transformation.  Transformation into the person that I want to become.  No longer a person that sees things negatively, or allows those around me to bring m
e down.  I want to be a person that loves, lives and laughs ALL the TIME!  I am so tired of complaining.  I am tired of people not getting along.  No longer will I live this in place of negativity and despair. 

Sometimes I think back to who I was in college, and wonder if I could find that girl again.  That girl that knew exactly what she wanted from life.  That girl that wasn't afraid of the future, wasn't afraid to take risks or let her heart be crushed.  Where did that girl go?  Somewhere along the way she got lost.  Somewhere along the way she got caught up in wanting to be who everyone else wanted her to be.  Somewhere along the way she got caught up in the words that were spoken to her and about her by others.  We all judge, every single day we judge.  We can't help it....its part of human nature.  But I am going to choose not to anymore.  I am going to choose the positive.  I am going to choose to give without expecting in return.  To use words that lift people up instead of tearing them down.  I am going to choose to not take things personally. 

Am I going to be perfect???  NO....because I am human, I am flawed.....I will have moments of self-doubt.  I will have moments when my courage just isn't enough.  But I will choose to keep going.  I will choose to look at the side that helps instead of harms.  I will choose light instead of darkness. 

I will choose to love instead of hate...everytime...not matter what is said about me or done to me.  Because at the end of the day I am who I am.  I can't change for you...I can only change for myself.  Sometimes I will and sometimes I won't.  But I will choose to love.  I will choose to forgive and I will choose to be positive.


I bought a planner for myself.  I am super excited about it.  I know that it is going to be a great tool to keep me balanced and on task.  I have set daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals for myself.  Without these I think I would get lost in this world of chaos.  A chaos that is hard to understand.  A chaos that I can't control. 

So...here's to organized chaos.  A chance to change what I feel like has been a negative past few years.  Here's to good choices and good people.  Here's to a positive life!  Living, loving, hoping and dreaming!