I'm not really sure why it has taken me this long to realize that I have been a prisoner to my past. I have allowed my past to rule my heart, my head and my decisions. I started 2013 off in a very sad state. Mostly a result of decisions that I had made that affected someone else. But in the past few days I have had a chance to look at all the decisions that I made this year, to look at the person that I have become and decide that I don't want to be this person anymore.
For reasons that I won't got into, I have turned into a person that doesn't trust others. I mean I have always had a hard time with trust, but I think the past 5 years especially I have really just allowed those feelings to dictate every part of who I am and the things I do and say. I have always been a glass half empty kind of person, but not as much as I feel like I have been in the past 5 years. What happened to make me see the world in this light? What happened to allow me to not be true to the voice of reason that told me, yes people will hurt you, but you still must love?
I am not sure. Well actually I am quite sure, but once again I don't think it is something that needs to be addressed on a public blog.
What I do have to say is this. No more...I am not going to allow my past to dictate who I am today. I will allow it to shape me and mold me and allow me to see from other's viewpoints. I will not allow it to tear me down and allow me to be the insecure person that I am right at this moment.
So this year is for me. This year is a chance to step back and say, who do I want to be. How do I want to get back the parts of me that were stolen by people that I trusted. How do I want to make myself a better person so that I am someone that can be a good wife and mother one day. I want that. I don't want to be so emotionally messed up that I miss the opportunity, or that I am too blinded by my own insecurities that I allow someone to pass me by.
I am doing a word, a quote and a verse each day. I am going to be writing like crazy. I am going to be blogging everyday, in hopes that I can understand what this life holds for me. What is the purpose for me? I want to understand where I should be in this world, and who I should be with. Not just a mate, but friends, and community. Where do I fit in? How do I settle down and make my life count for something? I can't continue to hop from one place to the next forever.
These thoughts have never occurred to me. In fact until now I have been content with jumping from one place to the next. I have been content with the thought of living in a new country every few years. But I can say for the first time in my life...I want a place to settle. I want a place to truly belong, and I want people around me that will be there through the good and the bad. I want to have a home.
So for 2014...I have big ambitions. But I also know in my heart that there is a place for me. I know that there is a place that needs me, and I know there is a place where I can use my strengths and weaknesses to change my corner of the world.