This past week I had to block someone from FB, and it hurt me a lot. It was one of those times when I knew that I needed to take that action, but I knew that it would come at a cost. I have a hard time with boundaries. I have a really hard time with letting people go. Especially people that I have come to love (as a friend) and care deeply for. People that I would do anything to help. Those are the people that I just want to keep giving over and over to, but in the end I know that sometimes we have to let people go. We have to take a break from those that continue to use us and cause us more harm than good. It doesn't mean that they are awful people, necessarily. It just means that our lives are better lived a part for awhile.
One thing that I have made a practice in my life is that I don't become good friends with men that are dating someone, married, engaged, or best friends with another woman. It makes life messy, and I also don't ever want to be the cause of a relationship getting broken, damaged, or becoming non-existent. I have enough friends in my life that I don't need to be in the middle of someone else's drama if I can help it. Sometimes I can't because people are not always truthful, and they aren't always transparent. But when I can help it, I take myself out of the situation, even if it means that I lose a friendship.
Friends keep leaving my life here lately, and it is hard and it hurts. For awhile I put a lot of the blame on myself. Even this last friendship my first instinct was to question what I did wrong. Why wasn't I enough? What about me caused him to want to choose her over me?
Here's the thing, if I constantly question the way that God made me, if I am constantly questioning my worth and other people's motives, then how am I allowing God to shine through me? If I am constantly putting myself down, then I am doubting that He created me for good purposes, right? So, I had to come to a point where I just let it go. I let go of the lies, the deception, the thoughts of not being good enough. I let those go, and filled it with the truth. The truth that I am a created being. I have a compassionate heart, made for love. My heart sometimes gets hurt way more easily than others. Sometimes it is too sensitive. Sometimes it holds on to something when it needs to let go. But God made my heart, exactly how He wanted it, for the purposes that He has for me. My heart is unique in what it feels, and how it understands this crazy messed up world.
I don't want to just give my heart to anyone. And that's what I have been doing. I am not going to be okay with just handing over my time, energy and love because someone shows me attention. I think that is the culture that I have grown up in though. We are so convinced that people's lives are better married, or in a couple than not that we put so much pressure on our single society. If you are not with someone, then there must be something wrong with you. You aren't good enough. It's just not how I am going to live my life ever again. I refuse to be with someone that is not going to treat me like I am worth his time, energy and effort. I am not going to put energy and time into someone that is not pursuing me with his whole heart. I'm just not going to do it. If that means that I spend the rest of my days single, then I am okay with that. Because I have learned a valuable lesson. I'm worth it. I am worth fighting for, sacrificing for, moving mountains for. I am worth the effort that it would take to win my heart. Just like his is worth it to me. But I refuse to be just another girl to anyone ever again.
My heart, my life, my love... it is worth pursuing, and if it's not then I will probably let you go. At least for awhile. Because in the end.... I don't just want a mediocre kind of love. I want that walk through the storms, muddy waters, and climb mountains kind of love. The together kind.
That's going to require me to let go of people sometimes, and put boundaries in place. This is day 1 of some new boundaries, and better view of my worth and value.