Sometimes the same circumstances seem happen over and over again in our lives. Ha... who am I kidding.... ALL the time the same circumstances happen over and over again in my life! I trust someone I shouldn't, and then I get hurt. I'm in the middle of another pain that if I'm honest was some of my own doing, but really it could have been avoided if the other person would have just been honest with me, and then didn't lead me on.
So, here I am in the midst of this pain that feels deep, and too hard to understand or bear. It feels a lot like a betrayal in a way that I have never experienced one before. Yet at the same time I know that this pain is only just a moment compared to things to come, right? I know that this pain is temporary. I know that even though it feels pretty permanent, it will get better and I will be stronger because of it.
What I don't understand is our need to be dishonest with each other. I try my very hardest to live out my most real authentic self. That means that I am going to be real with my feelings. Sometimes my feelings are too much for some. Sometimes that means that I love when I shouldn't. Sometimes that means that I have deeper feelings than someone else does. But I'm always honest about them. I'm sure there are moments that I have tried not to hurt someone else, and thus masked some of what I feel because I didn't want to come across too harshly. But that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about when we hide things so that other people won't see the real us. You don't like me that way? Be honest. You just used me for your own selfish desires? Be honest! The worst that is going to happen is I am going to be mad at you for a little while. I'm a pretty forgiving person though, and I usually will just let it go. Unless... unless you lie to me. If you lie to me, I have a really hard time letting that go. If you pretend that we have a friendship or something even beyond that we don't really have.... well I'm afraid that is where I have to put up some boundaries, and that is where it takes me some significant time before I am going to let you back in my life again.
I live my life full of love. I feel hard for others that are in tough circumstances, and I don't make excuses for that at all. I'm glad that I was created with a compassionate, caring heart. Sometimes it gets a little damaged, because as someone pointed out to me not too long ago I take things personally. Honestly at first I thought that was a negative thing, and some probably think of it that way, but I don't see it that way at all. I am glad that I take things personally. I am glad that things people do penetrate my heart. I would much rather care so much that it impacts me, then walk around not understanding anyone's struggles and just looking out for my own interests. I want things to change me, I want to feel what others do, because it makes me love them more.
I'm going to continue to live the most honest, authentic life that I can. I know that means that my heart is going to continue to get broken. But I refuse to build up a wall and not let people in. I refuse to be anything but genuinely caring, compassionate and loving towards others. Even those that pretend they care when they don't. I will always be there for people. I won't continue to let the same person hurt me over and over, but I will always love. Because my love doesn't come out of the depths of myself. It is overflowing from the love that has been given to me. For that I can be thankful.
I hope that we can all be more honest and authentic in our lives.
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