Every now and then I get in this blah moment when I feel like circumstances are beyond my control, and I question my worth. It seems like I am always that girl that won't be anything beyond a good friend. I am good enough to be friends with, maybe even good enough for something beyond friendship for a little while. But never good enough to commit to. I fight the urge to go after what I want, because the few times I have tried, it has turned out to be heartbreak and devastation. The few times I have allowed myself to be pursued it has turned out to be nothing but pain and heartache. I don't want to lose hope in having that "best friend" in my life, but I can't help but feel like I will never be good enough. I can't help but feel like I'm not worthy of being pursued.
It seems like timing is never on my side, and maybe I am just beyond the time when it is even worth opening myself up for it.
In my mind I know that this is just me being in this negative space, not allowing the truth of God's love to overcome how I am feeling.
I know this, yet I continue to just feel like if I was this way or that way then it would be different. We are our own worse critique, right? I don't just want anyone. I want someone who is going to push me to be the best that I can be. Someone that is going to text me first, and make a point to plan and go on adventures with me. Someone that loves Jesus more than anything else. Someone that wants to learn together. Someone that wants to be my best friend. Someone that makes me question hard things. Someone that can help me put me in a good mood. Someone that knows their life is better with me, than without.
I know that I stink at life sometimes. I overthink things, I am emotional, and I let people walk all over me. I need to work out more, and when I don't wear make up I sometimes feel like the ugliest person in the room. But with all of those faults, I love hard. I would literally do anything for anyone. I go out of my way to help others. I am trying to make this world a better place, and share what I have with those that don't have it. I am a good friend, I love adventures. I care about people. I want people to succeed, and I love learning.
So, why is it that I continue to feel like I am just not good enough? I don't want to hear anything about God's timing right now, or all the other things that people so often want to say. Because I know just like everyone else that sometimes you have to live in these blah moments. Sometimes you have to go through the motions, and feel the things so that you can work through them. Sometimes you have to let circumstances hold you for just a little bit, in order to wrap your mind around the truth of who you are and why you feel the way you do.
How do I cope with this blahness? Do I choose to let my guard down, and be open to that "friendship" or do I just put everyone in a category only sharing a partial side of myself? It is a definite struggle. Not one I am going to probably answer today. So, instead I try to focus on the truths I know to be solid, and don't overthink or let my feelings get too bombarded with the things I can't control.
Here are some truths I am focusing on today:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit- fruit that will last and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other." John 15:16-17
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18
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