This week has been a tough week in many ways, but it has been a releasing week as well. I have so many thoughts and so much to say. I have had two different people in the past week write things to me, that had the potential to do some damage. One of them I hadn't heard from in awhile, the other I just had a conversation with the other day.
It is amazing to me how in our lives we find ourselves on this path to become a better person. Sometimes in that quest we are faced with letting go of people and ideals that we have. We find ourselves needing to start clean, fresh, and leave behind the things that have caused us pain. Sometimes we even have to let go of people that we thought we would fight alongside for the rest of our lives.
I do not necessarily think that letting go is bad. I think that sometimes our relationships outgrow each other. Sometimes we have a different path to take that is leading us to a different destination. I wish that people wouldn't see themselves as superior when this is the case, but unfortunately I think that is the age we live in. We find ourselves needing to put others down in order to move forward. When in reality it doesn't have to be about that. It could just be about the fact that our values are different, and our paths are leading us to better things that do not include the other person. Of course it stinks, and of course it is rough. But.... if the alternative is making each others lives worse, then what other choice is there?
I believe in being authentic and real. I believe in other people being authentic and real, but I don't believe in attacking someone's character. I don't believe in holding things in and unleashing the crackin' on someone. It isn't me, it isn't what I am about and I don't want any part of it.
In the past I have been the most sarcastic person you could find, and even now days depending on who I am around my sarcasm can sometimes come out in leaps and bounds. But I have worked SO hard to tame it in. I have worked SO hard to be a person who loves others. I can't always say how much I love someone to their face. My love language is written notes, and gifts. My love language is the time that I spend just hanging out and sacrificing those moments for others. I try my hardest to love without expectation, but unfortunately my humanness always finds a way to bring expectations.
I am a work in progress. I have faults, I have insecurities, I am emotional. Sometimes those things drive me. Sometimes those things get the best of me. How do I move forward in a world where people attack my insecurities?
I take one day at a time. I look into the truths of what I am. I examine myself and I do try to strengthen the good, and let go of the bad. But I also just love. I love myself for who I am, and who I am evolving to be. I love the fact that life brings us so many people to learn from and grow with. I embrace the mess that I am, and understand that everyday is about being given grace. I give grace and love in a world where people see it as anything but that.
I also try my best to lose my expectations of others. I know that there will never be a day where I don't have expectations, because I do hold people to a high standard. I expect people to treat me decently and humanly. I expect people that I love to do that. I expect them to try their very best to be my friend, to love me, and to be honest with me.
I am in the midst of some major life changes. I am in the midst of needing to let go of some thought patterns that I have held on to for awhile. But I am also on the brink of some really great things. Some of those things I need to let go of other things/people in order to move forward in. I don't think that it means anything is bad or wrong. I think that it just means sometimes along the path of growth we have to breathe different air. We have to be around different music. I never want to let go of things that should be in my life, but I also never want to hold on to things that shouldn't.
So today I embrace some change that I know is coming. I examine my heart and my mind knowing that I am not perfect, but I am so worthy. I am worthy of love and honesty. I am worthy of trust and respect. I am worthy of meaningful relationships that build me up, and guide me down the path of truth. I am worthy of those things. I will continue to evolve and change, by taking life one day at a time. I will never be perfect, but I sure as heck will be a better person today than I was yesterday.
I also will never let someone shame me into thinking I am anything but a beautiful, created, living vessel. My life is valued and loved. It doesn't matter how broken I am, or how far I still have to go. My life gives to this world, and makes a difference. I may be taking a different path than the next person, but that path is still a part of a community, and is still necessary to this broken world.