Aloneness....a raw emotion that grabs a hold of you when you least expect it and latches on draining you of every ounce of self-motivation that you have. It grabbed a hold of me this week. It choked me to my absolute core, and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to fight my way out of it. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to come back from the depth of raw emotion that I felt.
Being alone isn't something that I have thought about too much in the past because I usually keep myself so busy that I don't need to worry about feeling alone, but I have been reading a book by Elisabeth Elliot that has brought up in me the feelings that I think I have just been running from for many years.
No one wants to admit that they feel alone, because then that makes you seem weak, at least that is what I think in today's society that we view it as. Admiting any sort of fault or feeling that is less then perfect = weakness.
Why is that? Why do we constantly have to be perfect in order to feel that we are enough? Why do we have to pretend that we have it all together, when in fact we are feeling so much less than all together?
Today our sermon was all about grace. All about taking that grace that God gives us and really truly living it. I realized that I do not allow myself to take a hold of that grace. To live fully in what God has given me knowing I don't deserve it. I am constantly finding the faults in myself, one of which this week was telling myself that I have no friends and that I will just have to be alone forever. It isn't true and it isn't living in God's grace.
Now I am not going to sit here and write about how Jesus is my friend and so that should be enough, because I am sorry but Jesus can't physcially go to the homecoming parade with me or sit next to me at the game, or give me a hug when I need it. He just can't. We need each other to be his hands and feet. Part of living in that grace is being vulnerable enough to admit when I truly NEED someone to be there for me. I believe that Jesus gives hope and truth to those that need it, but I also believe that there is need for someone to stand by your side.
In the depths of this raw emotion I find myself truly just wanting someone that I can call up and will be there for me no matter what. But I also feel like we have made our lives so busy that sometimes even though we would drop everything to be that person to someone in our life, they don't know we are available for that reason. We fill social media with our adventures, and perhaps it seems that people don't fit in to that busy lifestyle. Can you really say that you would be able to drop everything if a friend needed you? Are you in tune to those deep friendships you have that you would know if a friend was crying out for help? I am not sure that I would, I am not sure that I would know if a friend was crying out for me to help them in their aloneness.
Maybe we have made our lives so busy because we are afraid that if we stop and just be still we might have to face those emotions and feelings that we have buried so deep inside. Maybe it is easier to ignore grace because we actually like comparing ourselves to those around us. It makes us feel good when we pass up that friend or colleague.
For me I need to give myself so much more grace. I need to allow myself to feel alone sometimes, and not think that it makes me less of a person for feeling that way. It is okay to live in those feelings, just as long as I don't let those feelings define who I am or where I am going.
I need to stop being so busy that I can't deal with what is inside of me that needs to be raw and authentic. Being real and open. Observing those around me and realizing when they are need of my friendship. Not diving into myself so much that I forget to look up and be there for the ups and downs. For those that truly need a little grace.