Tuesday, October 20, 2015

A colorful glass that's half full....

Sometimes when I come out of a really tough time, God gives me a really good time with lots of people, lots of laughter, and lots of hugs.  That's what I feel like I had this past week.  I was able to go spend some time with some really great friends, and we had a glass half full kind of  time. 

 Sometimes though life doesn't meet our expectations.   I sometimes go in with different expectations, that doesn't make the time less exciting, but it means that I have some disappointment on my end.  I get my feelings hurt, and I have to work through that.  

How do you work through hurt feelings?  I know for me I have to constantly tell myself that the person/people are not trying to hurt me.  I have to see the situation from their point of view and I have to understand that we just have different perspectives.  

Today I am struggling once again with hurt feelings.  It isn't because of anything that someone is intentionally doing to me, it is actually in fact something that I prayed for, but it hurts.  It hurts because even though I prayed for it to go away....I miss it, and I think deep down I really, really wanted it.  

So, in my moment of weak, human feelings I want to run.  I want to run away and get lost in the feelings that I have and not come up for air, and not let anyone know that it hurts.  Not because I truly lost something, because you can't actually lose something that you never actually had, can you?  But because once again I feel like I have to let go of the idea of something.  

I hate that I get so lost in my feelings that I can't think sometimes.  That I get so wrapped up in putting the expectation out there of it being something else, that I put on blinders to what it truly is.  I really do hate that about myself.  It's a common theme in my life, and one that I really, really am trying to break, but it is SO hard.  I don't even know that I can break it completely, but I feel like it gets a little easier every time and maybe one day I won't have to break it.  Maybe one day it will be exactly how it should be. 

Until then I embrace my messy feelings, because after all they are a part of what makes me uniquely, and authentically me.  I embrace my mistakes, and my lack of courage.  I embrace the highs and lows in my day.  I embrace the fact that sometimes I don't do everything the way I should.  I embrace my imperfect expectations of myself and others, and I breathe, I live, and I rest in grace.  

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