The trees looked dead as I walked along the narrow path. Not really understanding what this journey was going to be about, but just knowing that I needed to take it. As I did, I listened to a sermon entitled, "Am I a Good Samaritan?" Whew, as I looked at the world around me I thought about mercy. I thought about what mercy means. Too often I think that I have expected God's mercy. I have just taken for granted the fact that He gives it so freely. I can't do anything to earn it, but He gives it to me. One quote from this sermon is "Mercy sees need and meets it!" - Keith Simon
What does that mean to me? It means that where there is need, my mercy should be meeting that need. I have gotten a little bit of flack from some people that think I am not spending enough time just resting and too much time doing things. I will admit that a couple of weeks ago I felt pretty run down and I almost quit volunteering for a little while. But then I had this moment where I thought... this year is about sacrificially giving up my time for others. Then I heard this sermon today and I thought about all the ways that I don't give mercy.
I thought about how much of the time I put my needs before others. I put my feelings above someone else and I forget to just give without expecting anything back in return. That is the key, right? Not expecting anything back in return. Mercy meets the need without expecting needs to be met back. Mercy says I see how much pain you are in, and I am going to do something about it. That right there is my conviction. I don't want to just say.... oh that really stinks, I am so sorry! No, I want to DO something, I need to do something. If I don't take action when I see someone in need, then what point is there?
My human nature though doesn't want to give mercy to everyone. I want to give mercy to those that show me kindness. I want to give mercy to those that I think deserve it. I don't want to give mercy to those that are rude, or mean, or I feel don't contribute to this community. As I walked I wrestled with that human nature of mine. I thought about the people that I come in contact with that I should be going out of my way too help. Everyday I come in contact with at least one person that needs to feel loved. What am I doing to show them mercy? How am I meeting those needs?
I don't get to pick and choose who gets mercy. Mercy is for everyone. To love well is to show mercy. To love well, is to meet needs. To love well is to give sacrificially. To love well, means understanding people, their stories, and seeing what they have come through. So this week, I hope I can be a giver of mercy to everyone I meet.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Monday, January 22, 2018
When I judge...
My eyes scan the room, and I try to figure out the thoughts of those lives being lived out in front of my face. I look for the slightest glimpse of acknowledgement, the slightest understanding of what they might be going through, and most of the time I fail. You see most of the time they don't want to share their stories. They don't want to let people in too far because they are afraid of being hurt. They are afraid of the pain that someone could cause them if they knew the truth. So, sometimes I make up my own stories, I put elaborate tales to faces, I dream amazing dreams for them, and I hope that one day their situation won't require them to check in each evening, and out each morning, reserving a small cot for a safe place to lay their head before they depart for a day of walking, working, and trying to survive in the bitter cold.
I want to break down their walls, I want to get to know who they are, how they got in the situations they did, and how I could possibly help them get out of it. But sometimes our role isn't a fixer, or even a listener. Sometimes it is just the role of being present. Being present to get a fresh pillow for someone's head. Being present to fill up the water container so that thirst is quenched. Being present to make sure that everyone can feel safe no matter what their circumstances are.
In the past I know that I have judged, quite harshly in fact. I saw people, dirty, poor and I judged them. I judged them based on my own bias, my own experiences. I judged them because I thought that all they had to do in order to have a place to be, in order to not live life on the streets was find a job, and try really hard.
That's not always the case though, is it? We like to tell other people's stories for them. We like to say if only you do this, or that... then you will find yourself not living life poor, and homeless. You will find yourself successful. We like to think that we know best for everyone, while our own life is falling apart right around us. We like to think that we could never be in that situation. Some of us probably couldn't. I know that it helps me to know that I have people I can turn to, people that would take me in a moment's notice and give me what I needed in order to not have to live on the streets just scraping by. I know that.
I don't know what it is, to look around a room full of people, and truly trust no one. I don't know what it feels like to think that everyone is out to get me. That if I turn my back even for one second the suitcase with all my worldly possessions might be snatched away from me without a moment's notice. I don't know what that is like.
My eyes continue to scan the room, as I observe and do the best I can to be present in these people's lives. To not judge them for the stories that I have yet to learn. To understand them in the best way I can. To cherish the moments when I get to talk about the football game that ended only hours before, or what the Superbowl is going to look like in a couple of weeks. I cherish the moments when someone shows me a little more about the homeless community so that I don't make a complete idiot of myself doing something that I did in ignorance.
I want to see people's stories when I look at them. I want to earn their trust. I don't want to walk around life, not engaging, not feeling, and not loving. But how do I love when I am being held at arm's length. How do I love when I feel like they don't want love back? How do see past the hardness in those eyes, and view the hurt and pain that has caused so much blockage?
I see you, your eyes they tell me a story
One of pain, sadness, and regret
I want you to know that you aren't forgotten
Your story it's important
The flecks of sadness try to stream down
Your face scrunches up, and you look quickly away
I want to reach over and wipe that tear
But I know that my hand might cause more pain
I want you to know that you mean so much
This world it needs you, your creative touch
Our community wouldn't be the same without your presence
Never doubt that you are wanted, needed and loved
It seems like your eyes are full of layers of mistrust
People have let you down more than it seems possible for the short life you have lived
You try your best to put up a fight
But you keep getting dragged down, by the obstacles in each place you step
You feel beaten, abused, mistreated, and unloved
You feel caged, like you will never get a break from the pain
You want to succeed, you try your best to keep running the race
But it seems like someone is always there to trip you and make you fall on your face
I want you to know that you aren't alone
I want you to know that you do have a home
It may not be physical, you might not be able to touch it
But you have a place to be safe and reside while you transition
For love doesn't need four walls and a door
The love that I share is undoubtedly more
It stretches beyond what you can even comprehend
It is bigger and wider than the cot you sleep in
This love it breaks down the walls that you have built
It spans through the mistrust, the abuse and the threats
This love is overflowing, and I have no doubt
Once you feel it, you will understand that you were always part of the plan
Don't doubt who you are, why you were created or what you have to do
You are a part of this community, and for that I am thankful
Your eyes they tell your story
Fleck by fleck, layer by layer I understand
I'm thankful that you are here,
Don't ever give up on who you want to be
Don't let them drag you down, or change your dreams
You were made for great things, and you mean so much
This world needs you, and your creative touch
I want to break down their walls, I want to get to know who they are, how they got in the situations they did, and how I could possibly help them get out of it. But sometimes our role isn't a fixer, or even a listener. Sometimes it is just the role of being present. Being present to get a fresh pillow for someone's head. Being present to fill up the water container so that thirst is quenched. Being present to make sure that everyone can feel safe no matter what their circumstances are.
In the past I know that I have judged, quite harshly in fact. I saw people, dirty, poor and I judged them. I judged them based on my own bias, my own experiences. I judged them because I thought that all they had to do in order to have a place to be, in order to not live life on the streets was find a job, and try really hard.
That's not always the case though, is it? We like to tell other people's stories for them. We like to say if only you do this, or that... then you will find yourself not living life poor, and homeless. You will find yourself successful. We like to think that we know best for everyone, while our own life is falling apart right around us. We like to think that we could never be in that situation. Some of us probably couldn't. I know that it helps me to know that I have people I can turn to, people that would take me in a moment's notice and give me what I needed in order to not have to live on the streets just scraping by. I know that.
I don't know what it is, to look around a room full of people, and truly trust no one. I don't know what it feels like to think that everyone is out to get me. That if I turn my back even for one second the suitcase with all my worldly possessions might be snatched away from me without a moment's notice. I don't know what that is like.
My eyes continue to scan the room, as I observe and do the best I can to be present in these people's lives. To not judge them for the stories that I have yet to learn. To understand them in the best way I can. To cherish the moments when I get to talk about the football game that ended only hours before, or what the Superbowl is going to look like in a couple of weeks. I cherish the moments when someone shows me a little more about the homeless community so that I don't make a complete idiot of myself doing something that I did in ignorance.
I want to see people's stories when I look at them. I want to earn their trust. I don't want to walk around life, not engaging, not feeling, and not loving. But how do I love when I am being held at arm's length. How do I love when I feel like they don't want love back? How do see past the hardness in those eyes, and view the hurt and pain that has caused so much blockage?
I see you, your eyes they tell me a story
One of pain, sadness, and regret
I want you to know that you aren't forgotten
Your story it's important
The flecks of sadness try to stream down
Your face scrunches up, and you look quickly away
I want to reach over and wipe that tear
But I know that my hand might cause more pain
I want you to know that you mean so much
This world it needs you, your creative touch
Our community wouldn't be the same without your presence
Never doubt that you are wanted, needed and loved
It seems like your eyes are full of layers of mistrust
People have let you down more than it seems possible for the short life you have lived
You try your best to put up a fight
But you keep getting dragged down, by the obstacles in each place you step
You feel beaten, abused, mistreated, and unloved
You feel caged, like you will never get a break from the pain
You want to succeed, you try your best to keep running the race
But it seems like someone is always there to trip you and make you fall on your face
I want you to know that you aren't alone
I want you to know that you do have a home
It may not be physical, you might not be able to touch it
But you have a place to be safe and reside while you transition
For love doesn't need four walls and a door
The love that I share is undoubtedly more
It stretches beyond what you can even comprehend
It is bigger and wider than the cot you sleep in
This love it breaks down the walls that you have built
It spans through the mistrust, the abuse and the threats
This love is overflowing, and I have no doubt
Once you feel it, you will understand that you were always part of the plan
Don't doubt who you are, why you were created or what you have to do
You are a part of this community, and for that I am thankful
Your eyes they tell your story
Fleck by fleck, layer by layer I understand
I'm thankful that you are here,
Don't ever give up on who you want to be
Don't let them drag you down, or change your dreams
You were made for great things, and you mean so much
This world needs you, and your creative touch
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Addicted, and what I am doing about it....
I would have never openly admitted that I was addicted to FB. I mean I could control it right? Until that moment when I realized that I couldn't. I think it was when I realized that I was scrolling mindlessly through, or when I was wondering why this person liked that person's status but not mine that I realized I had to do something about it. Then I had a conversation with a co-worker. In that conversation he reminded me just how superficial FB can be. It makes us think that all these people are our friends, that we have these close intimate relationships with 500 some people across the world, when in reality I probably only talk to a handful of them... and some I don't even remember how we became FB friends in the first place.
So I deleted FB. Actually I didn't just delete it, I deactivated it. I will even go so far as to say that I didn't want to do the reactivate in 7 days thing, because I wanted to disappear for a little while. It was about breaking an addiction. I was addicted to checking it. I was addicted to the number of likes I was getting. I was addicted to letting everyone know exactly what I was doing. In some instances it was way too much information.
The best thing I did was deactivate FB. It had become an addiction, even more than that it had become my idol. The thing that I was putting above everything and everyone else. The thing I was going to find my worth and value. It was taking up more than 50% of my time, and if I am actually honest it was taking up more like 95%.
Do you know what happens when you get rid of addiction and idols? You get a clearer picture of the things that you were confused about or trying to understand in your life. When I got rid of FB, I was able to pray a lot more, and hear His voice tell me some things that I needed to hear.
I will admit that I almost replaced the FB addiction with another addiction that is far worse, but they both at the root of the problem stem from wanting attention. Wanting to be loved and valued. Wanting people to like me. So, as I continue to search out ways to get rid of addictions, and idols, I look up, and realize that we all have them. We all are addicted to one thing or another. We all have those go-to's that we can't seem to get rid of.
I think the first step is to acknowledge it though. The first step is to say, this is a problem, and I have to do something about it.
I'm not perfect, and I will never pretend to be. I am sure that there will come a day when I need to deactivate FB again, but for now I look at the other idols in my life that are trying to steal my time. I am honest with myself that there are plenty of them.
I don't want addiction, and idols to hold me back, or cloud my vision for where I am supposed to be. The minute I take my eyes off of my God, that's when I am going to lose His purpose and plan. So, I keep pressing forward, recognizing my weaknesses, and my go-to stress relievers, and I take it one day at a time.
For now I have been released by the hold FB had on me, there is something else I need to be released from, but I realize it is an addiction that has a great hold on me. So, it is going to take a little more time. But I have a God on my side, that won't let me fail. That my friends, is what I put my hope in. I'm never too far removed that He can't grab a hold of me, and lead me through that foggy, unclear mess.
So I deleted FB. Actually I didn't just delete it, I deactivated it. I will even go so far as to say that I didn't want to do the reactivate in 7 days thing, because I wanted to disappear for a little while. It was about breaking an addiction. I was addicted to checking it. I was addicted to the number of likes I was getting. I was addicted to letting everyone know exactly what I was doing. In some instances it was way too much information.
The best thing I did was deactivate FB. It had become an addiction, even more than that it had become my idol. The thing that I was putting above everything and everyone else. The thing I was going to find my worth and value. It was taking up more than 50% of my time, and if I am actually honest it was taking up more like 95%.
Do you know what happens when you get rid of addiction and idols? You get a clearer picture of the things that you were confused about or trying to understand in your life. When I got rid of FB, I was able to pray a lot more, and hear His voice tell me some things that I needed to hear.
I will admit that I almost replaced the FB addiction with another addiction that is far worse, but they both at the root of the problem stem from wanting attention. Wanting to be loved and valued. Wanting people to like me. So, as I continue to search out ways to get rid of addictions, and idols, I look up, and realize that we all have them. We all are addicted to one thing or another. We all have those go-to's that we can't seem to get rid of.
I think the first step is to acknowledge it though. The first step is to say, this is a problem, and I have to do something about it.
I'm not perfect, and I will never pretend to be. I am sure that there will come a day when I need to deactivate FB again, but for now I look at the other idols in my life that are trying to steal my time. I am honest with myself that there are plenty of them.
I don't want addiction, and idols to hold me back, or cloud my vision for where I am supposed to be. The minute I take my eyes off of my God, that's when I am going to lose His purpose and plan. So, I keep pressing forward, recognizing my weaknesses, and my go-to stress relievers, and I take it one day at a time.
For now I have been released by the hold FB had on me, there is something else I need to be released from, but I realize it is an addiction that has a great hold on me. So, it is going to take a little more time. But I have a God on my side, that won't let me fail. That my friends, is what I put my hope in. I'm never too far removed that He can't grab a hold of me, and lead me through that foggy, unclear mess.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Guarding Your Heart.... Research Begins
The past few years, well really if I am honest probably the past 6 years because I didn't even care about starting to date till I hit 30... I mean not really. Anyways.. the past 6ish years I have struggled with guarding my heart, and what that means. I have watched friends get their hearts broken, I have watched marriages of people that I love and admire crumble, and I have seen people so guarded that they can't let anyone in. It seems to me that there is this struggle we have, well maybe I am alone in it. But this struggle between letting someone in enough to know if they belong in our lives, and not letting them in to hurt us, or go beyond where they should.
In some circles it is referred to as "guarding your heart."
I pretty much have heard that term used since I was in the youth group, but I am not sure that I ever really understood what it meant, or even now could put into words what that exactly means to me as a 36 year old, damaged, single woman. How do I guard my heart, but still let people in? Now I am not just talking about romantic feelings here, I mean even friendships, right? Because we have to be able to set boundaries for others. If we don't then people use up all of our energy, time, and leave nothing left behind. I am all for being a loving friend, that is not what I am getting at here. I just think that we have lost what it means to guard your heart. Somehow we have to do better at teaching our kids, ourselves, and our communities this very important concept.
I do think that in part it has to do with boundaries. So... I am setting off on a journey of discovery. I want to learn this year how to guard my heart, and how to teach others how to guard their hearts. How to have healthy boundaries with people, so that I can love them the way they need to be loved. So that I am without a doubt living my most intentional, authentic life.
I don't think it is going to be an easy journey, in fact I think that there are going to be some tough moments, because we all like to think that we have this boundaries/guarding thing under control... when in reality we probably don't at all.
I would love thoughts and input from others. I have a quick survey to get me started, that I would urge you to fill out if you haven't already.... it will help me start this process......
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe5CG1LAB0DZgqFPKEItCN0Wn7xAEqGM5PgG7jyXFrnHlQ3QA/viewform?usp=sf_link
If you filled the survey out thank you! I appreciate you helping me take another step along this journey....
I am excited to see where it leads me!
In some circles it is referred to as "guarding your heart."
I pretty much have heard that term used since I was in the youth group, but I am not sure that I ever really understood what it meant, or even now could put into words what that exactly means to me as a 36 year old, damaged, single woman. How do I guard my heart, but still let people in? Now I am not just talking about romantic feelings here, I mean even friendships, right? Because we have to be able to set boundaries for others. If we don't then people use up all of our energy, time, and leave nothing left behind. I am all for being a loving friend, that is not what I am getting at here. I just think that we have lost what it means to guard your heart. Somehow we have to do better at teaching our kids, ourselves, and our communities this very important concept.
I do think that in part it has to do with boundaries. So... I am setting off on a journey of discovery. I want to learn this year how to guard my heart, and how to teach others how to guard their hearts. How to have healthy boundaries with people, so that I can love them the way they need to be loved. So that I am without a doubt living my most intentional, authentic life.
I don't think it is going to be an easy journey, in fact I think that there are going to be some tough moments, because we all like to think that we have this boundaries/guarding thing under control... when in reality we probably don't at all.
I would love thoughts and input from others. I have a quick survey to get me started, that I would urge you to fill out if you haven't already.... it will help me start this process......
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe5CG1LAB0DZgqFPKEItCN0Wn7xAEqGM5PgG7jyXFrnHlQ3QA/viewform?usp=sf_link
If you filled the survey out thank you! I appreciate you helping me take another step along this journey....
I am excited to see where it leads me!
Sunday, December 31, 2017
A Not so Energetic New Year...
Currently my New Year's situation is me sitting on my computer, about to fix myself what will probably be my only drink of the night, in hopes that I can make it to at least 10:00 pm. I don't have high hopes that will actually take place, but a girl can try... right? Tonight was supposed to be a night of prayer and worship with some friends. I had planned it a month ago, and it was exactly how I wanted to ring in 2018. So, getting sick on Thursday and being sick for the remainder of this weekend was not exactly what I had in mind. Isn't that typical though? When we find ourselves at the end of our rope, we keep pushing until we almost break from exhaustion. I think that is where I was. I have been going at lightening speed for the past few months. Volunteering, working, working, hanging out with people, and then working some more. It isn't all bad things, in fact most of it is really good, but I have found myself exhausted, and not getting to spend the time with God that I want. Also not just getting to rest, and have moments of silence. I need moments of silence sometimes in order to hear my heart, and know the choices that I need to be making.
2017 was quite the year. It was a hard year, it was a trying year, and it was a year of a lot of risks. I have written about those risks before, but I just really feel like tonight I need to write more. You see in 2017 I thought that I had to be willing to risk whatever in order to find that guy, in order to get that perfect job, in order to be happy. I thought that until I really risked everything I was going to continue on this path of self discovery, and never be satisfied with the answer. As I reflect on this year it wasn't necessarily about the risks that I took, but about being willing to take those risks. I think some risks that happened were risks that shouldn't have been risks at all, but you know what we continue to learn from those, don't we? What I think the biggest risks sometimes are the risks that we take in discovering what we are willing to put up with, and what we really truly have no room for in our lives. For instance I know that I really don't have room in my life for people that make fun of others because of disabilities, race, political affiliation, or economic status. I don't do well with people referring to another person by a name just because of the way they look, what they believe or where they come from. I will never be okay with that. But I was almost willing to risk those beliefs in order to have someone. I was almost willing to risk my heart in order to live the "American Dream." That in my opinion is not worth the risk at all. I almost risked my safety in order to feel good for a little while. Definitely a risk that also wasn't worth it. We each have our own set of beliefs. Some of us feel very strongly about them, while others of us feel strongly about the way others are treated rather than always adhering to a certain political party line. As I reflect on this past year, I ask myself... Did I risk too much? Maybe I did? But all the risks I took helped me to become who I am right now. I am stronger, braver, and more compassionate than I was at the beginning of this year. I am a better person, one day I will be a better girlfriend, wife, and mother because of the risks that I took this year. I have no doubt that there were things that happened that I wish wouldn't have happened. I have no doubt that God was sometimes standing on the sidelines ready to step in if only I would have reached out my hand to let him. But you know what I also know? He was there every single time I needed Him to catch my fall. And that was a lot!
So I leave 2017 behind.... I leave all the hurt, pain, drama, toxicity, gossip, slander, and people that couldn't stay in my life. I leave all of it behind, allowing what needs to change me to change me, and what doesn't to pass away with the year.
I look at 2018, with renewed compassion and strength. Opening up my heart to what is to come. This year will be different, for I am not going to risk my heart again. I am going to keep it close. I am going to dive into the Word, I am going to meet God everyday in hopes that I will be able to glean more from Him, and understand Him more. I am going to serve my community, my friends, my family so that they know that they are loved, and valued. I am going to focus on His faithfulness, love and mercy, rather than my own feelings. I know that there will be days when I will fail. I know that just like this year there will be days when I make awful choices. Choices that involve ex boyfriends, or guys that I should no longer talk to. Choices that involve people that I know I shouldn't trust with my secrets. I know that I am going to fail at being loving and kind. The difference this year is that I know that I long for those things to happen. The difference this year is that my focus is in the right place.
May 2018 be full of intentional living for God. May I take time to rest, read, and understand who He is. May I make time for those close to me, and getting to know people's stories. I believe the greatest disadvantage I can do for myself and my community is to be so busy that I don't have time to listen to people's stories, or that I judge someone before I know who they truly are. We all have demons, we all have things in our lives that we keep hidden away. I know I do. I so often have things that I dread anyone finding out about. So may this year be the year that those things no longer stay hidden. May I be real, authentically real, and open up in ways that I never have before while keeping my heart hidden in His love and protection.
I'm thankful for a new year. I am thankful for new opportunities of growth. I am thankful that I don't have to be perfect. I am thankful that all of my faults are nothing in His eyes. I am thankful that I am loved even when I get nothing right. I am thankful for new beginnings, and the opportunity to be there for people in my community. May 2018 be a year that I remember as the year I learned to serve with my whole heart, and God's overflowing, unconditional love.
2017 was quite the year. It was a hard year, it was a trying year, and it was a year of a lot of risks. I have written about those risks before, but I just really feel like tonight I need to write more. You see in 2017 I thought that I had to be willing to risk whatever in order to find that guy, in order to get that perfect job, in order to be happy. I thought that until I really risked everything I was going to continue on this path of self discovery, and never be satisfied with the answer. As I reflect on this year it wasn't necessarily about the risks that I took, but about being willing to take those risks. I think some risks that happened were risks that shouldn't have been risks at all, but you know what we continue to learn from those, don't we? What I think the biggest risks sometimes are the risks that we take in discovering what we are willing to put up with, and what we really truly have no room for in our lives. For instance I know that I really don't have room in my life for people that make fun of others because of disabilities, race, political affiliation, or economic status. I don't do well with people referring to another person by a name just because of the way they look, what they believe or where they come from. I will never be okay with that. But I was almost willing to risk those beliefs in order to have someone. I was almost willing to risk my heart in order to live the "American Dream." That in my opinion is not worth the risk at all. I almost risked my safety in order to feel good for a little while. Definitely a risk that also wasn't worth it. We each have our own set of beliefs. Some of us feel very strongly about them, while others of us feel strongly about the way others are treated rather than always adhering to a certain political party line. As I reflect on this past year, I ask myself... Did I risk too much? Maybe I did? But all the risks I took helped me to become who I am right now. I am stronger, braver, and more compassionate than I was at the beginning of this year. I am a better person, one day I will be a better girlfriend, wife, and mother because of the risks that I took this year. I have no doubt that there were things that happened that I wish wouldn't have happened. I have no doubt that God was sometimes standing on the sidelines ready to step in if only I would have reached out my hand to let him. But you know what I also know? He was there every single time I needed Him to catch my fall. And that was a lot!
So I leave 2017 behind.... I leave all the hurt, pain, drama, toxicity, gossip, slander, and people that couldn't stay in my life. I leave all of it behind, allowing what needs to change me to change me, and what doesn't to pass away with the year.
I look at 2018, with renewed compassion and strength. Opening up my heart to what is to come. This year will be different, for I am not going to risk my heart again. I am going to keep it close. I am going to dive into the Word, I am going to meet God everyday in hopes that I will be able to glean more from Him, and understand Him more. I am going to serve my community, my friends, my family so that they know that they are loved, and valued. I am going to focus on His faithfulness, love and mercy, rather than my own feelings. I know that there will be days when I will fail. I know that just like this year there will be days when I make awful choices. Choices that involve ex boyfriends, or guys that I should no longer talk to. Choices that involve people that I know I shouldn't trust with my secrets. I know that I am going to fail at being loving and kind. The difference this year is that I know that I long for those things to happen. The difference this year is that my focus is in the right place.
May 2018 be full of intentional living for God. May I take time to rest, read, and understand who He is. May I make time for those close to me, and getting to know people's stories. I believe the greatest disadvantage I can do for myself and my community is to be so busy that I don't have time to listen to people's stories, or that I judge someone before I know who they truly are. We all have demons, we all have things in our lives that we keep hidden away. I know I do. I so often have things that I dread anyone finding out about. So may this year be the year that those things no longer stay hidden. May I be real, authentically real, and open up in ways that I never have before while keeping my heart hidden in His love and protection.
I'm thankful for a new year. I am thankful for new opportunities of growth. I am thankful that I don't have to be perfect. I am thankful that all of my faults are nothing in His eyes. I am thankful that I am loved even when I get nothing right. I am thankful for new beginnings, and the opportunity to be there for people in my community. May 2018 be a year that I remember as the year I learned to serve with my whole heart, and God's overflowing, unconditional love.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Christmas Day 2017 Reflection
Christmas Day was actually over 2 minutes ago, so I feel compelled to think upon this year. For the first time in a very long time, my Christmas was just filled with joy. Everything about it was fun, and full of laughter and intentional living. I wasn't caught up in all these emotions, and underlying stresses that tend to drive me most of the time.
Last year at this time I was in a very dark place. I was broken, and unsure of what the future would hold. I had basically been told that I wasn't very good at the one thing I know God has gifted me in. It tore me up, forced me to look within, and opened my eyes to how we need to support each other instead of tearing each other down. I don't care what kind of business you run. It has taken me a year to get where I am today, to get over the damage that had plagued my heart. So, as I look at all that Jesus brings to this world, I realize how much he has brought me through in a year.
You see here's the thing, something that I am not even sure I have shared with my family. I didn't want to be alive. I honestly felt like I wasn't doing any good, and that the world, my students would be better off without me. I felt like I had messed up so badly that it wasn't worth trying to dig my way out. I felt like God's people who were supposed to be there for me, had thrown me under the wheels of the bus, and wouldn't stop running over me. I didn't feel supported, loved, or cared for. I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My best friends that I had been relying on were no longer around. I wasn't a part of a small group that was doing much as far as being there for each other, and I was also really good at pushing them away when they tried. I was in this lost little world where I felt alone, and unworthy of any sort of grace or love.
Do you know how opposite of Jesus that is? His story is so that very thing. He came into this world, to save those that have nothing left. He came into this world to give the lonely someone to hold on to. He came into this world to show us exactly what love is.
As I sat listening to the sermon on Christmas Eve, I realized just how complacent I have gotten sometimes about this story in my life. I never want to get tired of hearing Jesus' story. I never want to get tired of feeling His love. This year has been so tough. I have had to learn some pretty hard things. But at the end of it all, I know that to live for Him... it's worth it.
Today I embrace this story. I know that it has a part in my life. I want it to change me, to mold me, and make me into who I am supposed to be. I want it to guide me into deeper things. I want it to be my foundation. I want it to be the thing that makes people wonder about. I don't ever want someone to look at my life, and think that it looks like everyone else's. I've had a couple of people call me out on being on FB too much, and sharing too much. The thing is that maybe I do, but a couple of years ago I decided to live my life in the most authentic way possible. That means to me that I live life outloud, and real. Maybe I put too much out there, but the right people will appreciate that, instead of critiquing it. The right people will love me for it, instead of using it as tool to put me down with.
I've learned some hard lessons this year, but lessons that I am totally excited to take with me. I have learned how to let go of toxic people. I have learned that you don't always have to open the door and let people in to the deepest part of you, it is totally okay to guard your heart. I've learned that you can be the nicest person to someone else and they will still not have one nice word to say about you. I have learned that you need to think and pray before you move in to an apartment with someone that you don't know all that well. I've learned that you can say you love Jesus, and still be selfish, greedy, and just out for money. I have learned how to let go of someone that moved on, even when it was hard and I didn't understand. I've learned that it's okay to have high standards. I've learned that I can be led on, and it hurts when the other person doesn't feel the same way, but I can totally make it through as a stronger and better version of myself. I've learned that falling in love isn't my main goal in this life. I 've learned that I long for a husband and kids, and it's okay to keep longing for that, but focusing on Jesus while I do. Mostly though, I have learned that God's purposes for me far outweigh anything I could ever imagine, and I am worthy to be loved and cherished by the people around me. I've learned that serving, and helping others is what makes me happy. My goal in this life is to know Him and make Him known. Hopefully I get to do that with a family of my own one day, but meanwhile I am not going to let that stop me from intentionally living with the people that surround me on a daily basis.
His story. It's my story too. He didn't just come into this world to save one person. He came to save all. Each of us has our own story. Each of us falls on a daily basis. We speak harshly to a friend, we don't call someone back that is in trouble, we ignore someone that we have spent months communicating daily with, we aren't honest with our friend about our feelings, we lie, we steal, we gossip, we judge, there are so many things that we do to fail Him. But you know what? That is all a part of the story.
As I reflect on this season, and another Christmas that has passed me by, I am so thankful that this year happened. It was such a hard year. It was full of heartache, pain, loneliness. But it was also full of strength, joy, and grace. I grew more in my walk this year, than I think I ever have. I'm thankful for a time of reflection. I'm thankful for a Savior who meets me no matter where I am.
I'm thankful for a story that I never get tired of hearing, or being a part of.
I'm thankful for His love.
Last year at this time I was in a very dark place. I was broken, and unsure of what the future would hold. I had basically been told that I wasn't very good at the one thing I know God has gifted me in. It tore me up, forced me to look within, and opened my eyes to how we need to support each other instead of tearing each other down. I don't care what kind of business you run. It has taken me a year to get where I am today, to get over the damage that had plagued my heart. So, as I look at all that Jesus brings to this world, I realize how much he has brought me through in a year.
You see here's the thing, something that I am not even sure I have shared with my family. I didn't want to be alive. I honestly felt like I wasn't doing any good, and that the world, my students would be better off without me. I felt like I had messed up so badly that it wasn't worth trying to dig my way out. I felt like God's people who were supposed to be there for me, had thrown me under the wheels of the bus, and wouldn't stop running over me. I didn't feel supported, loved, or cared for. I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to. My best friends that I had been relying on were no longer around. I wasn't a part of a small group that was doing much as far as being there for each other, and I was also really good at pushing them away when they tried. I was in this lost little world where I felt alone, and unworthy of any sort of grace or love.
Do you know how opposite of Jesus that is? His story is so that very thing. He came into this world, to save those that have nothing left. He came into this world to give the lonely someone to hold on to. He came into this world to show us exactly what love is.
As I sat listening to the sermon on Christmas Eve, I realized just how complacent I have gotten sometimes about this story in my life. I never want to get tired of hearing Jesus' story. I never want to get tired of feeling His love. This year has been so tough. I have had to learn some pretty hard things. But at the end of it all, I know that to live for Him... it's worth it.
Today I embrace this story. I know that it has a part in my life. I want it to change me, to mold me, and make me into who I am supposed to be. I want it to guide me into deeper things. I want it to be my foundation. I want it to be the thing that makes people wonder about. I don't ever want someone to look at my life, and think that it looks like everyone else's. I've had a couple of people call me out on being on FB too much, and sharing too much. The thing is that maybe I do, but a couple of years ago I decided to live my life in the most authentic way possible. That means to me that I live life outloud, and real. Maybe I put too much out there, but the right people will appreciate that, instead of critiquing it. The right people will love me for it, instead of using it as tool to put me down with.
I've learned some hard lessons this year, but lessons that I am totally excited to take with me. I have learned how to let go of toxic people. I have learned that you don't always have to open the door and let people in to the deepest part of you, it is totally okay to guard your heart. I've learned that you can be the nicest person to someone else and they will still not have one nice word to say about you. I have learned that you need to think and pray before you move in to an apartment with someone that you don't know all that well. I've learned that you can say you love Jesus, and still be selfish, greedy, and just out for money. I have learned how to let go of someone that moved on, even when it was hard and I didn't understand. I've learned that it's okay to have high standards. I've learned that I can be led on, and it hurts when the other person doesn't feel the same way, but I can totally make it through as a stronger and better version of myself. I've learned that falling in love isn't my main goal in this life. I 've learned that I long for a husband and kids, and it's okay to keep longing for that, but focusing on Jesus while I do. Mostly though, I have learned that God's purposes for me far outweigh anything I could ever imagine, and I am worthy to be loved and cherished by the people around me. I've learned that serving, and helping others is what makes me happy. My goal in this life is to know Him and make Him known. Hopefully I get to do that with a family of my own one day, but meanwhile I am not going to let that stop me from intentionally living with the people that surround me on a daily basis.
His story. It's my story too. He didn't just come into this world to save one person. He came to save all. Each of us has our own story. Each of us falls on a daily basis. We speak harshly to a friend, we don't call someone back that is in trouble, we ignore someone that we have spent months communicating daily with, we aren't honest with our friend about our feelings, we lie, we steal, we gossip, we judge, there are so many things that we do to fail Him. But you know what? That is all a part of the story.
As I reflect on this season, and another Christmas that has passed me by, I am so thankful that this year happened. It was such a hard year. It was full of heartache, pain, loneliness. But it was also full of strength, joy, and grace. I grew more in my walk this year, than I think I ever have. I'm thankful for a time of reflection. I'm thankful for a Savior who meets me no matter where I am.
I'm thankful for a story that I never get tired of hearing, or being a part of.
I'm thankful for His love.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Breaking down Walls and Best Friending....
I always have thought it was cheesy when someone was like, "I married my best friend." I have also never been the romantic type. I won't really be the girl that swoons over someone, and is super clingy. It's just not me, unless maybe I have had a couple of drinks in me, and then you will most likely get clingy, me. I don't think this makes me weird, or on the verge of never finding love. What it does make me is cautious, but in the past I don't think I haven't been cautious enough. Something happened about a week ago that made me realize just what I have almost given up. In my searching and yearning, I was willing to settle for someone who just liked me, not adored me. I was willing to to put up with name calling, being belittled, and taken advantage of in the hopes of an everlasting future. I was willing to just go with whoever because I didn't feel like I was worthy, and it seemed too hard to let someone past the walls.
Then in talking with friends, and praying I just realized that I don't want just anyone. I want someone that tries hard to break down my walls. I want someone that reaches out, and comforts me when I am feeling awful. I want someone that is there for me no matter what kind of mood I am in. I want someone who will call me on my bullshit, and not be afraid to tell me exactly what they think. I want someone to do life with that loves people. Not someone who is just out for themselves, but someone that is deeply rooted in loving others. I want someone that will keep trying to tear down the walls, no matter how many times I build them back up, or what I do to push them away. I want someone that pushes my buttons, and makes me laugh. I want someone who loves Jesus, and doesn't see organized religion as a flaky, awful thing. I want someone that pursues me the way God pursues me, holy and purely focused on His relationship with God first. I want someone that will reassure me a million times that I am enough, even when it might be annoying that I have to keep asking. So in essence I want someone who is my best friend. Maybe I am kind of romantically cheesy after all?
The dating world of 30 and 40 somethings doesn't really give way to finding a best friend. Most of the dating sites, and even dates that I have been on, are ones in which relationships have to start quickly and there isn't time for getting to know each other in group settings, or without all the craziness of just being in a relationship for one thing. We all have baggage, we all have triggers, and I think that I am beginning to realize that the kind of relationship I want and God has called me to doesn't fit inside this nice little box that I once thought it did. It isn't about this instant connection, and hurriedness that I feel like I have put on myself in the past. It isn't about trying to know in a certain time frame if this is the right thing. It is about relying on God, knowing that He's got the best for me, and that in His timing everything will perfectly fall into place.
There are many days when I want to lose hope, because I think that I can't even come close to finding someone that fits all that I want in a best friend. But God as He often does has spent the last few months reminding me that there is nothing outside of His grasp. If my focus is on Him, and my hope doesn't falter, He will give me exactly what I need, when the timing is His not mine. As I continue to allow my walls to be broken, I let go of little pieces of brokenness that have been cemented in those walls for far too long. One day, God is going to provide me with a best friend, and it is going to be someone that has come alongside me, encouraged me, and loved me as Christ does first. It is going to be someone that searches God to find me. I don't doubt this. Even on the toughest days, I know that God's plans are bigger than mine, and if anyone can help others to break down these stupid walls, He can!
Then in talking with friends, and praying I just realized that I don't want just anyone. I want someone that tries hard to break down my walls. I want someone that reaches out, and comforts me when I am feeling awful. I want someone that is there for me no matter what kind of mood I am in. I want someone who will call me on my bullshit, and not be afraid to tell me exactly what they think. I want someone to do life with that loves people. Not someone who is just out for themselves, but someone that is deeply rooted in loving others. I want someone that will keep trying to tear down the walls, no matter how many times I build them back up, or what I do to push them away. I want someone that pushes my buttons, and makes me laugh. I want someone who loves Jesus, and doesn't see organized religion as a flaky, awful thing. I want someone that pursues me the way God pursues me, holy and purely focused on His relationship with God first. I want someone that will reassure me a million times that I am enough, even when it might be annoying that I have to keep asking. So in essence I want someone who is my best friend. Maybe I am kind of romantically cheesy after all?
The dating world of 30 and 40 somethings doesn't really give way to finding a best friend. Most of the dating sites, and even dates that I have been on, are ones in which relationships have to start quickly and there isn't time for getting to know each other in group settings, or without all the craziness of just being in a relationship for one thing. We all have baggage, we all have triggers, and I think that I am beginning to realize that the kind of relationship I want and God has called me to doesn't fit inside this nice little box that I once thought it did. It isn't about this instant connection, and hurriedness that I feel like I have put on myself in the past. It isn't about trying to know in a certain time frame if this is the right thing. It is about relying on God, knowing that He's got the best for me, and that in His timing everything will perfectly fall into place.
There are many days when I want to lose hope, because I think that I can't even come close to finding someone that fits all that I want in a best friend. But God as He often does has spent the last few months reminding me that there is nothing outside of His grasp. If my focus is on Him, and my hope doesn't falter, He will give me exactly what I need, when the timing is His not mine. As I continue to allow my walls to be broken, I let go of little pieces of brokenness that have been cemented in those walls for far too long. One day, God is going to provide me with a best friend, and it is going to be someone that has come alongside me, encouraged me, and loved me as Christ does first. It is going to be someone that searches God to find me. I don't doubt this. Even on the toughest days, I know that God's plans are bigger than mine, and if anyone can help others to break down these stupid walls, He can!
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