Two months ago I had something happen in my life that literally almost broke me. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, that I was making it a bigger deal than it needed to be, and that I should just get over it. But then I realized that I needed to deal with it. This thing that happened to me literally rocked me and made me not want to be alive. I have often wondered how one situation can make someone want to give up on life, want to not be around. I used to actually judge people that thought that way...and then it happened to me.
I lost everything that in the last year I had come to rely on. I lost my best friend, I lost a group of people that I had come to see as family. I lost my community as I knew it, and I didn't want to be here anymore. I allowed myself to believe the words that were written to me. I allowed myself to believe that I had nothing to give anyone in my life. That all I was, was this toxic waste of a human being. I allowed the words to penetrate my heart, and everything that I had worked hard to change about myself especially in the last couple of years. I allowed myself to believe that everyone in my life felt that I was unnecessary. These feelings caused me to push people away that I had come to consider family.
It has taken me a couple of months to work through these feelings, to find the path to where I want to be again...and to see beyond the words written down to me, and the actions taken against me. I will never think that I am perfect, but without a doubt I know that I am worthy of friendship and love. I know that the person I am is someone who cares about others, would literally lay down my life for anyone... and matters to this world. I know that sometimes my sarcasm hurts others, sometimes I am selfish, and sometimes I judge when I shouldn't.
I can't make anyone want to be around me. I don't understand why sometimes people choose to only see my weaknesses, but I can pick myself up and say that I have worth and value in this world. But it is a daily choice I have to make. No one can make it for me. No one can make me feel differently....no one can even really help me on this journey. It is one that I have to walk alone.
I have to choose to deal with what I feel. I have to look at things as truth or not. I have to understand that even though I may feel like people don't care about me, it isn't true. Not everyone is going to be in my life forever. We all know that friendships go through seasons. The best I can do is allow situations to break me, mold me, and make me into a stronger person.
The walls are slowly being chipped away again. It will probably take awhile before my heart is ready to allow someone in to the inner parts of me, because I am still bruised and tender. But I will. I will let someone in again. I will also be a better friend because of this.
Sometimes I get tired of trying. Sometimes I get tired of putting myself out there, but the only way to understand being truly broken, is by diving into sacrificial love. Love that will do anything, for anyone. Love that sees weaknesses, and accepts them in spite of. Love that opens up doors to new rooms, rooms that have never been touched before. Mostly though, love that doesn't keep record of wrongs, but gives grace. Love that shows just how much value and worth each of us have.
My brokenness is a part of who I am, and who I will be in the future. I have to wake up each day and embrace it. If I pretend that it isn't there, then I lose a part of who I am. My strength comes from being vulnerable, and weak. My strength comes because there is someone greater pushing me, and molding me. My strength.....is from my brokenness.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Monday, October 10, 2016
Giving Up
The wind tosses me to and fro
I am not sure which way to go
I want to live up to the goals in my life
But I continue to feel nothing but strife
Why do I get so lost and confused
Everyday brings me a different mixed-up view
I want to be confident, soar all the heights
I want to let go of the demons inside
I feel like I am lost in a storm that keeps brewing
I feel the waves crashing, eroding, and moving
My life doesn't seem to make sense at all
Am I alone, alone in this walk
This wall that I built back up around myself
Because I kept getting hurt by loneliness and doubt
The wall is unbreakable, unmovable, without bend
The wall is continuous, it knows no end
I wanted it to be broken, I wanted to let you in
But I can't give in to the vulnerability
The vulnerability for sure has an end
I want to be brave, and face all my fears
But it seems like I just keep falling into the depths of despair
It seems like my moments are prolonged and chaotic
It seems like I read things wrong all the time and can't stop it
Maybe I am worthy of the walls to be broken
Maybe I have what it takes to be successful and outspoken
But inside what it feels like is that I should just give in
Let go of the hope, and expectation within
Inside I feel like I need to give up
Let go of the hopes and the dreams that I have built up
I don't want to let go, I want to keep living
But what if I don't have what it takes to keep believing
I am not sure which way to go
I want to live up to the goals in my life
But I continue to feel nothing but strife
Why do I get so lost and confused
Everyday brings me a different mixed-up view
I want to be confident, soar all the heights
I want to let go of the demons inside
I feel like I am lost in a storm that keeps brewing
I feel the waves crashing, eroding, and moving
My life doesn't seem to make sense at all
Am I alone, alone in this walk
This wall that I built back up around myself
Because I kept getting hurt by loneliness and doubt
The wall is unbreakable, unmovable, without bend
The wall is continuous, it knows no end
I wanted it to be broken, I wanted to let you in
But I can't give in to the vulnerability
The vulnerability for sure has an end
I want to be brave, and face all my fears
But it seems like I just keep falling into the depths of despair
It seems like my moments are prolonged and chaotic
It seems like I read things wrong all the time and can't stop it
Maybe I am worthy of the walls to be broken
Maybe I have what it takes to be successful and outspoken
But inside what it feels like is that I should just give in
Let go of the hope, and expectation within
Inside I feel like I need to give up
Let go of the hopes and the dreams that I have built up
I don't want to let go, I want to keep living
But what if I don't have what it takes to keep believing
Messy Honesty
We have to be honest. There comes a point when we have to look ourselves in the eyes, and admit that we don't have it all together. We have to admit that we are lost in a world of trying to please those around us. Admit that we are lost in a place of expecting everyone including God to constantly judge us. That our definition of love has been so changed and impacted by the world's definition that we have lost sight of what it truly means. We have created this messy outlook on life, on love that is defined by unrealistic expectations.
We have to be honest, and start believing in our beauty, believing in love, compassion, and justice. We have to understand that life is messy, that sometimes we are going to feel lonely, left out, and want to flee from all of it. We have to understand that sometimes expectations of ourselves are so high that we find ourselves pointing out failures more than successes. We find ourselves lost in a place where we think others are only seeing the bad, and not the good too.
We continue to put our thoughts and feelings on others that we have about ourselves. We lose people, and we allow our self talk to become negative. If only we had been different, if only we had not allowed them to see all of the failures, weaknesses that are inside of us. Maybe then we could still be friends. We allow ourselves to believe that it is our fault completely when relationships/friendships are uprooted, or when a best friend becomes nothing more than an acquaintance or perhaps even less than that.... they cease to exist in our life at all.
The truth is that it is not really about what the world wants us to think. It is actually not even about what our friends think. It is really truly about what we in the deepest part of ourselves believe to be truth, and believe to be real. It is about being honest, the messiest version of honest that we can be.
To me that means opening up, and talking. Talking about when I am feeling lonely. Talking about when I do not feel like I am enough. Talking about those things that create a large hole inside of me. Most of all not allowing my view of love, and community to be determined by the world, but rather by God Himself.
So today's messy honesty. I am in a rut. I feel like my life that I had dreamed about slipped through my fingers somewhere along the way, and I don't know how to get control of it again. I feel like I am not enough for a lot of people. That I am too big, too loud, too opinionated, too insecure, too strong, too much of some things and not enough of others. I feel like I don't matter sometimes. The people that I thought I had mattered to, have pretty much shut me out, and it feels lonely. I feel like I am having to start all over again, and this time it isn't my choice. I feel like I am not enough.
That's my messy honesty. I know that even just admitting how I feel and talking about it, helps me. It helps me realize that I don't have to feel that way. There are greater truths out there. Sometimes though, we just need time to work through what those truths are.
So today, I choose honesty, and vulnerability. Today I choose to look at what my view of love, compassion, and community is from a non-world view. Today I choose messy honesty, and a different kind of love.
We have to be honest, and start believing in our beauty, believing in love, compassion, and justice. We have to understand that life is messy, that sometimes we are going to feel lonely, left out, and want to flee from all of it. We have to understand that sometimes expectations of ourselves are so high that we find ourselves pointing out failures more than successes. We find ourselves lost in a place where we think others are only seeing the bad, and not the good too.
We continue to put our thoughts and feelings on others that we have about ourselves. We lose people, and we allow our self talk to become negative. If only we had been different, if only we had not allowed them to see all of the failures, weaknesses that are inside of us. Maybe then we could still be friends. We allow ourselves to believe that it is our fault completely when relationships/friendships are uprooted, or when a best friend becomes nothing more than an acquaintance or perhaps even less than that.... they cease to exist in our life at all.
The truth is that it is not really about what the world wants us to think. It is actually not even about what our friends think. It is really truly about what we in the deepest part of ourselves believe to be truth, and believe to be real. It is about being honest, the messiest version of honest that we can be.
To me that means opening up, and talking. Talking about when I am feeling lonely. Talking about when I do not feel like I am enough. Talking about those things that create a large hole inside of me. Most of all not allowing my view of love, and community to be determined by the world, but rather by God Himself.
So today's messy honesty. I am in a rut. I feel like my life that I had dreamed about slipped through my fingers somewhere along the way, and I don't know how to get control of it again. I feel like I am not enough for a lot of people. That I am too big, too loud, too opinionated, too insecure, too strong, too much of some things and not enough of others. I feel like I don't matter sometimes. The people that I thought I had mattered to, have pretty much shut me out, and it feels lonely. I feel like I am having to start all over again, and this time it isn't my choice. I feel like I am not enough.
That's my messy honesty. I know that even just admitting how I feel and talking about it, helps me. It helps me realize that I don't have to feel that way. There are greater truths out there. Sometimes though, we just need time to work through what those truths are.
So today, I choose honesty, and vulnerability. Today I choose to look at what my view of love, compassion, and community is from a non-world view. Today I choose messy honesty, and a different kind of love.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Expectations...
Did you ever make that list in high school or college? That list that had everything you wanted in another person. You know down to the very details. Did you ever find that list years later and think....Ha! There is NO way someone could meet everyone of those details you put on your list.
Oh sure, I have met people along the way who have that fantastic story of that person that meets everything they ever wanted in a best friend/husband/wife. They are the perfect couple, and blah...blah....blah.....
But for the mass majority of us....that list is far from reality. Especially as we get older. Now as I think about that person that I hope is out there...I am amazed at how many guys probably could have worked.
Okay, so it is no prince charming/Cinderella story....but isn't love messy?
Shouldn't it be about that person that challenges us to live a better life, not just the one that we have the most chemistry with...or the one that we find the most pleasing to the eye.
Isn't love about sacrifice, forgiveness, and growing in it every single day?
Okay, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a connection, and some kind of physical attraction, but I am saying that don't we put too much stock in trying to make that person fit that list. Maybe we are looking at the list so long and trying to match the qualities up that we think that perfect person should have, that we actually miss the person that is right in front of us. Maybe the person that is right in front of us is the one person that is going to be able to break through all the walls, and fear, but we won't give them a chance because they are holding the wrong hammer. Or they aren't holding it the right way, or they don't look right when they are holding it the right way.
Isn't it time for us to put away the expectations that society has for us. Put away the "perfect" version of people that we want to have in our lives, and accept the messy ones that are in our lives. Isn't it time that we allow our hearts to be penetrated by someone that can love us the way Jesus did. Someone that sees our faults, but still wants to be a part of our life. Someone that we might not have everything in common with, but they know how to hold our hand and say a prayer with us. Or they might not be the hottest guy/girl on the block, but they never miss an opportunity to help someone in need.
So maybe he/she doesn't have every single quality that we have looked for, but they have a connection with us that surpasses any we have ever known. They listen to us, and understand us. They challenge us to love in a greater way, and they pray with us. Those are the qualities that I think should surpass all others. Because those are the qualities that are going into eternity.
Expectations seem to ruin a lot of things. Mostly relationships. Maybe God's best for me isn't meeting everything on the "list" because He has things I need to learn apart from my "ideal" relationship.
I sometimes think that if we could lower our expectations, then God could do more. Maybe I'm wrong...but that's how I'm feeling today.
Oh sure, I have met people along the way who have that fantastic story of that person that meets everything they ever wanted in a best friend/husband/wife. They are the perfect couple, and blah...blah....blah.....
But for the mass majority of us....that list is far from reality. Especially as we get older. Now as I think about that person that I hope is out there...I am amazed at how many guys probably could have worked.
Okay, so it is no prince charming/Cinderella story....but isn't love messy?
Shouldn't it be about that person that challenges us to live a better life, not just the one that we have the most chemistry with...or the one that we find the most pleasing to the eye.
Isn't love about sacrifice, forgiveness, and growing in it every single day?
Okay, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a connection, and some kind of physical attraction, but I am saying that don't we put too much stock in trying to make that person fit that list. Maybe we are looking at the list so long and trying to match the qualities up that we think that perfect person should have, that we actually miss the person that is right in front of us. Maybe the person that is right in front of us is the one person that is going to be able to break through all the walls, and fear, but we won't give them a chance because they are holding the wrong hammer. Or they aren't holding it the right way, or they don't look right when they are holding it the right way.
Isn't it time for us to put away the expectations that society has for us. Put away the "perfect" version of people that we want to have in our lives, and accept the messy ones that are in our lives. Isn't it time that we allow our hearts to be penetrated by someone that can love us the way Jesus did. Someone that sees our faults, but still wants to be a part of our life. Someone that we might not have everything in common with, but they know how to hold our hand and say a prayer with us. Or they might not be the hottest guy/girl on the block, but they never miss an opportunity to help someone in need.
So maybe he/she doesn't have every single quality that we have looked for, but they have a connection with us that surpasses any we have ever known. They listen to us, and understand us. They challenge us to love in a greater way, and they pray with us. Those are the qualities that I think should surpass all others. Because those are the qualities that are going into eternity.
Expectations seem to ruin a lot of things. Mostly relationships. Maybe God's best for me isn't meeting everything on the "list" because He has things I need to learn apart from my "ideal" relationship.
I sometimes think that if we could lower our expectations, then God could do more. Maybe I'm wrong...but that's how I'm feeling today.
Why Hatred is Eating Away our Hearts....
For the longest time I wasn't very vocal about how I felt when it came to the #blacklivesmatter movement. I thought that it was important, but not worth all the controversy of me voicing my opinion. I mean don't get me wrong I talked to my friends, and family about it. But that was as far as it went. It isn't like I didn't care, because I did. I cared a lot, but it is almost like I didn't truly understand it. I didn't truly get the fact, because I believed that there was just cause in the shootings. I believed what the media told me. I believed that killing was the only way.
Then I stopped believing it.
You know why I stopped believing it? Because it isn't true.
We have a hate problem right now in America. We have a fear problem. It is breaking us. It is tearing us apart. It is causing us to lose people that are making a difference in our nation. It is breaking apart families. It is a problem.
It isn't THEIR problem. It is MINE. It is each of OURS.
You know why?
Because I am a Christian, and I believe that people were created in God's image. So, if God's people are being gunned down just because they have a different skin color than I do. It isn't okay with me.
You know why else?
Because I believe that EVERYONE is valued and loved. That's right EVERYONE! No matter what gender you are, no matter what color your skin is, no matter where you are from. EVERY SINGLE PERSON that is on this planet, is VALUED and LOVED.
I don't know how to say it any clearer, but no one knows my thoughts or feelings, because no one has walked in my shoes. No one understands the fear that I have when I have to walk in a parking garage by myself late at night, no one knows that fear unless you have lived through that fear also. No one understands what it is like to live in another country and leave behind everything and everyone, unless you have lived that.
I don't know what it is like to be a minority in the United States, because I HAVE NEVER BEEN A MINORITY IN THE UNITED STATES!
I will never understand what it is like. So, I do not feel justified in pointing out how my life matters, when I have never been made to feel like it didn't because of my skin color.
I sure have in regards to my gender, but that is another situation entirely.
So, I guess my point is that I have people, people that I respect and love posting things, and saying things that are so degrading to their fellow human beings. People that claim to hold the love of Jesus in their hearts are sitting their saying so many slang words, about others that I don't even know how to comprehend everything that I am hearing.
Aren't we supposed to be about love?
Aren't we supposed to be about putting others needs before our own?
What if it was your husband? Your son? Your daughter?
What if it was your niece or nephew?
More than that...what if it was your next door neighbor?
Aren't we supposed to be treating everyone like our neighbors. Loving them, no matter what? Isn't that what we are called to do?
I can't swallow the hate that is in this nation right now. I can't just sit back and say that it is okay. When college students are painting their faces black, and posting things on social media...there is something really wrong with this world. When the confederate flag is being flown as a symbol of power, and prejudice there is something really wrong with this world. When we have more love and compassion for a man who raped someone, then one who was murdered there is something really wrong with this world.
And I know there is! We live in a fallen world. We are a fallen people. But the problem is that if some of us don't stand up to the hate that is eating away at our hearts. If we don't choose love, then what is the point in even claiming His name? What is the point in even trying to make a difference?
We have to let go of hate. We have to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what are prejudices are. We all have them. We have to start letting them go. All of us, no matter what color we are, gender we are, where we come from. We have to learn to love again.
#blacklivesmatter
Then I stopped believing it.
You know why I stopped believing it? Because it isn't true.
We have a hate problem right now in America. We have a fear problem. It is breaking us. It is tearing us apart. It is causing us to lose people that are making a difference in our nation. It is breaking apart families. It is a problem.
It isn't THEIR problem. It is MINE. It is each of OURS.
You know why?
Because I am a Christian, and I believe that people were created in God's image. So, if God's people are being gunned down just because they have a different skin color than I do. It isn't okay with me.
You know why else?
Because I believe that EVERYONE is valued and loved. That's right EVERYONE! No matter what gender you are, no matter what color your skin is, no matter where you are from. EVERY SINGLE PERSON that is on this planet, is VALUED and LOVED.
I don't know how to say it any clearer, but no one knows my thoughts or feelings, because no one has walked in my shoes. No one understands the fear that I have when I have to walk in a parking garage by myself late at night, no one knows that fear unless you have lived through that fear also. No one understands what it is like to live in another country and leave behind everything and everyone, unless you have lived that.
I don't know what it is like to be a minority in the United States, because I HAVE NEVER BEEN A MINORITY IN THE UNITED STATES!
I will never understand what it is like. So, I do not feel justified in pointing out how my life matters, when I have never been made to feel like it didn't because of my skin color.
I sure have in regards to my gender, but that is another situation entirely.
So, I guess my point is that I have people, people that I respect and love posting things, and saying things that are so degrading to their fellow human beings. People that claim to hold the love of Jesus in their hearts are sitting their saying so many slang words, about others that I don't even know how to comprehend everything that I am hearing.
Aren't we supposed to be about love?
Aren't we supposed to be about putting others needs before our own?
What if it was your husband? Your son? Your daughter?
What if it was your niece or nephew?
More than that...what if it was your next door neighbor?
Aren't we supposed to be treating everyone like our neighbors. Loving them, no matter what? Isn't that what we are called to do?
I can't swallow the hate that is in this nation right now. I can't just sit back and say that it is okay. When college students are painting their faces black, and posting things on social media...there is something really wrong with this world. When the confederate flag is being flown as a symbol of power, and prejudice there is something really wrong with this world. When we have more love and compassion for a man who raped someone, then one who was murdered there is something really wrong with this world.
And I know there is! We live in a fallen world. We are a fallen people. But the problem is that if some of us don't stand up to the hate that is eating away at our hearts. If we don't choose love, then what is the point in even claiming His name? What is the point in even trying to make a difference?
We have to let go of hate. We have to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what are prejudices are. We all have them. We have to start letting them go. All of us, no matter what color we are, gender we are, where we come from. We have to learn to love again.
#blacklivesmatter
Sunday, September 18, 2016
One day....
I've been thinking about friendships, relationships, and community a lot in the past month or so. I feel like this past year I have grown in my ability to do those things well. I still am not perfect by any means, but I am at least in a much better place than I was a year ago. But I still have a few hopes...
One day I hope to come across a person that I connect with on a deep level, and we just know.
One day I hope that I come across a person that can totally get my sarcasm, and not be offended by it...but instead give it back.
One day I hope that I come across a person that truly wants to serve others, and lead by example.
One day I hope that I come across a person that tells me I am beautiful, and never stops saying it.
One day I hope that I don't have to wonder if someone is just going to stop being my friend.
One day I hope that I will not doubt people's intentions.
One day I hope that I will know what it is like to love a child of my own.
One day I hope that I get to understand what it means to never give up on someone.
One day I hope that someone tells me I will never be too much for them.
One day I hope that I get to fall head over heels in love.
One day I hope that the world especially the church stops looking down on single people, and instead embraces them.
One day I hope that I will be able to understand others without getting mixed messages.
One day I hope that I will be able to say exactly how I feel, when I feel it.
One day I hope that I will be confident enough to peel away the remaining layers.
One day I hope that people will start truly caring about the insides of others, and falling in love with souls instead of bodies.
One day I hope that connections lead to more instead of pushing away from less.
One day I hope that intentions could just be second nature.
One day I hope that love will overcome all.
One day....
One day I hope to come across a person that I connect with on a deep level, and we just know.
One day I hope that I come across a person that can totally get my sarcasm, and not be offended by it...but instead give it back.
One day I hope that I come across a person that truly wants to serve others, and lead by example.
One day I hope that I come across a person that tells me I am beautiful, and never stops saying it.
One day I hope that I don't have to wonder if someone is just going to stop being my friend.
One day I hope that I will not doubt people's intentions.
One day I hope that I will know what it is like to love a child of my own.
One day I hope that I get to understand what it means to never give up on someone.
One day I hope that someone tells me I will never be too much for them.
One day I hope that I get to fall head over heels in love.
One day I hope that the world especially the church stops looking down on single people, and instead embraces them.
One day I hope that I will be able to understand others without getting mixed messages.
One day I hope that I will be able to say exactly how I feel, when I feel it.
One day I hope that I will be confident enough to peel away the remaining layers.
One day I hope that people will start truly caring about the insides of others, and falling in love with souls instead of bodies.
One day I hope that connections lead to more instead of pushing away from less.
One day I hope that intentions could just be second nature.
One day I hope that love will overcome all.
One day....
When God says Yes.
It has been a little while since I have written. I feel like I have been caught up in a lot of things that are trying to steal my attention and time. A lot of things that are trying to hook me in so that I forget why I am actually here in the first place. I forget my purpose, and my dreams. I forget that I still have so much to accomplish, but that it isn't really about me.
Do you ever feel tired. Tired of life, tired of living in a chaotic existence? Tired of the crazy amount of work that you have to do, all for what? This week I had to spend a lot of time examining my heart, and my future. I am still in the midst of some pretty big decisions. Decisions that will impact a lot of different aspects of my life. Decisions that need to be made, but I am for once having a really hard time with change. I usually thrive on it, I usually love it. But this time, change is really hard. Because it is going to be so good, but it is literally going to change EVERYTHING!
How do I continue to go in the direction I am supposed to go, and stay the same? I can't. I can't stay the same. I have to learn and grow from the experiences that have been impacting me. I have to open up to the future, and what is going to happen. I have to accept that some people are only in my life to steer me onto the next BIG thing.
I wish it wasn't that way. I really do!
We have to live life to the fullest. We have to open ourselves up to change, to redirection, and to stepping outside of our comfort zone. We have to finish the race. We can't get caught up in the things that want to make us stumble.
That means making changes, BIG changes. That means making priorities that are not directed towards my own selfish wants/desires. That means giving up some things that I don't want to let go of.
But it also means a life that is running the race well.
Do you ever feel tired. Tired of life, tired of living in a chaotic existence? Tired of the crazy amount of work that you have to do, all for what? This week I had to spend a lot of time examining my heart, and my future. I am still in the midst of some pretty big decisions. Decisions that will impact a lot of different aspects of my life. Decisions that need to be made, but I am for once having a really hard time with change. I usually thrive on it, I usually love it. But this time, change is really hard. Because it is going to be so good, but it is literally going to change EVERYTHING!
How do I continue to go in the direction I am supposed to go, and stay the same? I can't. I can't stay the same. I have to learn and grow from the experiences that have been impacting me. I have to open up to the future, and what is going to happen. I have to accept that some people are only in my life to steer me onto the next BIG thing.
I wish it wasn't that way. I really do!
We have to live life to the fullest. We have to open ourselves up to change, to redirection, and to stepping outside of our comfort zone. We have to finish the race. We can't get caught up in the things that want to make us stumble.
That means making changes, BIG changes. That means making priorities that are not directed towards my own selfish wants/desires. That means giving up some things that I don't want to let go of.
But it also means a life that is running the race well.
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