Messy Honesty

We have to be honest.  There comes a point when we have to look ourselves in the eyes, and admit that we don't have it all together.  We have to admit that we are lost in a world of trying to please those around us.  Admit that we are lost in a place of expecting everyone including God to constantly judge us.  That our definition of love has been so changed and impacted by the world's definition that we have lost sight of what it truly means.  We have created this messy outlook on life, on love that is defined by unrealistic expectations. 

We have to be honest, and start believing in our beauty, believing in love, compassion, and justice.  We have to understand that life is messy, that sometimes we are going to feel lonely, left out, and want to flee from all of it.  We have to understand that sometimes expectations of ourselves are so high that we find ourselves pointing out failures more than successes.  We find ourselves lost in a place where we think others are only seeing the bad, and not the good too. 

We continue to put our  thoughts and feelings on others that we have about ourselves.  We lose people, and we allow our self talk to become negative.  If only we had been different, if only we had not allowed them to see all of the failures, weaknesses that are inside of us.  Maybe then we could still be friends.  We allow ourselves to believe that it is our fault completely when relationships/friendships are uprooted, or when a best friend becomes nothing more than an acquaintance or perhaps even less than that.... they cease to exist in our life at all.    

The truth is that it is not really about what the world wants us to think.  It is actually not even about what our friends think.  It is really truly about what we in the deepest part of ourselves believe to be truth, and believe to be real.  It is about being honest, the messiest version of honest that we can be. 

To me that means opening up, and talking.  Talking about when I am feeling lonely.  Talking about when I do not feel like I am enough.  Talking about those things that create a large hole inside of me.  Most of all not allowing my view of love, and community to be determined by the world, but rather by God Himself. 

So today's messy honesty.  I am in a rut.  I feel like my life that I had dreamed about slipped through my fingers somewhere along the way, and I don't know how to get control of it again.  I feel like I am not enough for a lot of people.  That I am too big, too loud, too opinionated, too insecure, too strong, too much of some things and not enough of others.  I feel like I don't matter sometimes.  The people that I thought I had mattered to, have pretty much shut me out, and it feels lonely.  I feel like I am having to start all over again, and this time it isn't my choice.  I feel like I am not enough. 

That's my messy honesty.  I know that even just admitting how I feel and talking about it, helps me.  It helps me realize that I don't have to feel that way.  There are greater truths out there.  Sometimes though, we just need time to work through what those truths are. 

So today, I choose honesty, and vulnerability.  Today I choose to look at what my view of love, compassion, and community is from a non-world view.  Today I choose messy honesty, and a different kind of love.