Two months ago I had something happen in my life that literally almost broke me. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, that I was making it a bigger deal than it needed to be, and that I should just get over it. But then I realized that I needed to deal with it. This thing that happened to me literally rocked me and made me not want to be alive. I have often wondered how one situation can make someone want to give up on life, want to not be around. I used to actually judge people that thought that way...and then it happened to me.
I lost everything that in the last year I had come to rely on. I lost my best friend, I lost a group of people that I had come to see as family. I lost my community as I knew it, and I didn't want to be here anymore. I allowed myself to believe the words that were written to me. I allowed myself to believe that I had nothing to give anyone in my life. That all I was, was this toxic waste of a human being. I allowed the words to penetrate my heart, and everything that I had worked hard to change about myself especially in the last couple of years. I allowed myself to believe that everyone in my life felt that I was unnecessary. These feelings caused me to push people away that I had come to consider family.
It has taken me a couple of months to work through these feelings, to find the path to where I want to be again...and to see beyond the words written down to me, and the actions taken against me. I will never think that I am perfect, but without a doubt I know that I am worthy of friendship and love. I know that the person I am is someone who cares about others, would literally lay down my life for anyone... and matters to this world. I know that sometimes my sarcasm hurts others, sometimes I am selfish, and sometimes I judge when I shouldn't.
I can't make anyone want to be around me. I don't understand why sometimes people choose to only see my weaknesses, but I can pick myself up and say that I have worth and value in this world. But it is a daily choice I have to make. No one can make it for me. No one can make me feel differently....no one can even really help me on this journey. It is one that I have to walk alone.
I have to choose to deal with what I feel. I have to look at things as truth or not. I have to understand that even though I may feel like people don't care about me, it isn't true. Not everyone is going to be in my life forever. We all know that friendships go through seasons. The best I can do is allow situations to break me, mold me, and make me into a stronger person.
The walls are slowly being chipped away again. It will probably take awhile before my heart is ready to allow someone in to the inner parts of me, because I am still bruised and tender. But I will. I will let someone in again. I will also be a better friend because of this.
Sometimes I get tired of trying. Sometimes I get tired of putting myself out there, but the only way to understand being truly broken, is by diving into sacrificial love. Love that will do anything, for anyone. Love that sees weaknesses, and accepts them in spite of. Love that opens up doors to new rooms, rooms that have never been touched before. Mostly though, love that doesn't keep record of wrongs, but gives grace. Love that shows just how much value and worth each of us have.
My brokenness is a part of who I am, and who I will be in the future. I have to wake up each day and embrace it. If I pretend that it isn't there, then I lose a part of who I am. My strength comes from being vulnerable, and weak. My strength comes because there is someone greater pushing me, and molding me. My strength.....is from my brokenness.